Flavored Condoms

A Man comes home with some flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his wife, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the balls and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.

While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

Gas Station Contest

Two rednecks, Billy Joe and Bubba, were out driving when they noticed the gas tank was getting low, so they stopped at a local station to fill up.

After topping off the tank, they went inside to pay, where noticed a big sign on the desk: ASK ABOUT OUR FREE SEX CONTEST!

"Hey, what's that all about?" Billy Joe asked the attendant.

"Oh, that's something new we just started," the attendant replied. "The way it works is that I think of a number, and if you guess it, you get free sex."

Billy Joe and Bubba thought that was a pretty good idea, so they each took a guess.

"I'll say eight," said Billy Joe.

"Sorry," said the attendant. "It's four."

"I'll try five," said Bubba.

"Nope. It's two," the attendant replied. "But hey, come back and try again."

Billy Joe and Bubba walked away, disappointed, but they were determined to give it another try. And so the next time they were low on gas, they stopped in again. And again. After about a month, they decided to give it one last try.

"Six," Billy Joe said to the attendant. "It's gotta be six."

"I'm really sorry," said the attendant. "It was nine this time."

"Okay, I guess three," said Bubba.

"Oh, you were close," said the attendant. "It was two."

And so, the two disappointed rednecks walked back to their truck.

"You know," said Billy Joe, "I'm beginning to think that contest is rigged!"

"No," sighed Bubba. "It's for real. My wife's won seven times already."

Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the Girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Cowboy and The Mexican

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him.

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...

At the cowboys hearing the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead.

"Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad"

"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him"?, asked the Judge.

"Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass."

Onions And Christmas

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Chinese Couple

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

Condom

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

Mommy and Daddy

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy'."

Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!"

Blank Out

My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.

Back at Ya

An Indian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man; chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Indian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Indians eat the whole bread?"

Indian (coolly): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Indian munches on... gives a cold look but did not reply.

The American refuses to take the cue and persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Indian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India."

The Indian puts his coffee mug down...looks straight in the American's eye and then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Indian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Indian: "We don't. In India, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.

Pebbles

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked.

Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says "Th-that's.. .um... that's daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.

"What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh.. that.. that's mommy's rock grinder."

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

Bad Knees

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees? asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't"

Some Quickies

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Old Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"

Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

Do You Know?

A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"

He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what I want?"

And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?"

And he says, "Yeah, you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

Lettuce

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the Manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex ."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

Stranded In The Desert

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed.

The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.

He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed.

The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Whorehouse

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! – Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Hey Big Boy!

John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy."

Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.

John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her. John walked over to the open door. "I've been waiting for someone like you, "the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants.

John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand. Then she gave it a sharp whack with the other hand! John jumped back in alarm. "What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.

She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place!!

100 Bucks for Sex

100 Bucks For Sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters.......!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it, and getting screwed.....

Anywhere Anytime

A couple was having problems with their love life. So they decided to consult a local sexologist.

They had an open conversation about their preferences and ways of "doing it".

The sexologist gave them this advice - "The main reason why you are not doing well is because of a fixed place and fixed time for it. Remember, if you delay your natural urge it will only become more difficult and eventually it will become impossible to enjoy it. So my advice to you is to just do it anywhere anytime. Remember, anywhere anytime without waiting, be it the dining hall, the drawing room, the restroom or even the closet.........morning, afternoon or night........just enjoy for the moment.......anywhere and anytime."

The couple came back next week happy and fulfilled. The sexologist asked them about their first experience to which the husband replied somewhat reluctantly. "Well, it was a nice and quite evening. We were enjoying our meal and we started talking hot.......My wife looked at me with those eyes and I knew what was to be done. We had it coming so we made love then and there on the table without waiting to finish eating.......... It was unlike anything we did before."

"Wow!that's great!You should try that sometime again then!",said the sexologist.

The husband replied,"I don't think that's possible..."

"Why?"

"Well, the manager of the restaurant got us kicked out the last time and I don't think they are going to let us in again!"

Thing Between A Girl..

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then asked, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth piece of skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boy's dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

One Piece

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"

Topical Lovemaking Aid

John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the clitoris, a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use."

John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"

Other Half

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Jen looks at Lyn and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Lyn says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Jen... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Jen.. straight to the bathroom.

Lyn goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Jen?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Jen with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Jen? What's wrong?" asks Lyn.

"Lyn, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

Finding a Perfect Husband

A very straight and honest girl is going to town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following requirements mothers set for their daughters. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, he decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we should share a room. Is he not a thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mom... I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with concern.

"Mmmm...his 'thingy' was still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic!"

Airborne Training

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.

"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well." he sighed.

"What happened?" his buddy asked.

"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."

"What happened then?" his buddy asked, concerned.

"Well the jump sergeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"

"Did you jump?"

"Well, a little at first."

Doctor's Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

New Boots

An older couple went to Texas on vacation. The husband is trying to revigorate his romanticism and onward to sex, buys some cowboy boots. He takes all his clothes off to total bareness, wears his new shining boots and walks to the bathroom where wife was taking bath.

He says, "Hi honey, see anything exciting on me?"

Wife looks and says, "What? That withered thing of yours that hangs down, that aleays is hanging down now and appears it will be hanging down for ever. So what is exciting to see?"

Husband says, "No dear, that thing of mine is looking down at my new sexy boots! Notice them?"

Wife says, "Yes, then why didn't you buy a hat? It would at least be looking up for an exciting change."

Three Whores

Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I fucked a cowboy last night", said the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were screwing."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.

"I fucked a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we were fucking."

They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.

"I fucked a grain farmer," commented the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy vey, Morris, " said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost...I was just too tired to walk home."

Twice a Day

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doctor, doctor you've got to help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Twice a day I have sex with my wife."

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary."

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute."

"Well, that's definately too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

First Date

A young innocent girl is about to go on her first date and is given some word of advise and warning by her "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him; kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel, or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said"

"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."

New Store

Two business men are sitting in their soon to be new store. As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now someone is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we are selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peak and asks, "What are ya sellin here boys?"

One of the men (being a smart ass) replies, "Oh we're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat the fellow says, "Well I see you're doing really well, you've only got two left!"

Mad dog

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

Artificial Pussy

A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could not distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.

Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.

The two embraced and the inventor asked "How much did we make?"

The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.

The inventor screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"

The captain responded "Oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"

Vacation

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

Panties

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.

The neighbor replied "My wife gave me all her worn out panties and I use them to polish his car with."

Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"

"Why?" she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!"

Anatomy Class

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

Blow or...

James leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is.

"Oh, some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."

"Ouch! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"

Golfer

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bared down on the ball and right in the middle of his back swing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

Halloween Costumes

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."

Virgins

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.

One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."

"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

Baby Sitting

Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"

Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!" With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Here you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do? How did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up".

The father's jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!" Little Johnny said, "why not dad? You screw mine!"

Blind Date

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"

Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"

Condoms

President Vladimir Putin called Tony Blair with an emergency: "Our largest condom factory has exploded!" the Russian President cried; "my people's favorite form of birth control! This is a true disaster!"

"Vladimir, the English people would be happy to do anything within their power to help you," replied the Prime minister.

"I do need your help," said Putin. "Could you possibly send 1,000,000 condoms ASAP to tie us over?"

"Why certainly! I'll get right on it!" said Blair.

"Oh, and one more small favor, please?" said Putin.

"Yes?"

"Could the condoms be red in color and at least 10" long and 4" in diameter?" said Putin.

"No problem," replied tony Blair and, with that, he hung up and called the President of Durex. "I need a favor, you've got to make 1,000,000 condoms right away and send them to Russia."

"Consider it done," said the President of Durex.

"Great! Now listen, they have to be red in color, 10" long and 4" wide."

"Easily done. Anything else?"

"Yeah," said tony Blair, "print 'MADE IN ENGLAND, SIZE MEDIUM' on each one."

Peeing Lessons

A mother taught her son to go to the bathroom by the numbers.

"1. Open your fly.

2. Take out your equipment.

3. Pull back the skin

4. Do your business.

5. Let the skin forward.

6. Stow your equipment.

7. Close your fly."

She checked on him often to make sure he had learned his lesson, and each time heard him through the outhouse door saying, "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6. 7."

She was pleased with his progress until that day when she passed the bathroom door and heard, "3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5, 3-5."

Little Danny

Little Danny watched his daddy's car pass by the school playground & go into the woods. Curious, he followed the car and saw Daddy & Aunt Jane in a passionate embrace. Little Danny found this so exciting that he could hardly contain himself as he ran home & started to tell his mother.

"Mommy, I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss & then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane..."

At this point Mommy cut him off & said, "Danny, this is such an interesting story, let's save the rest of it for dinner time. I want to see the look on Daddy's face when you tell it tonight."

At the dinner table that night, Mommy asked Little Danny to tell his story.

"I was at the playground & I saw Daddy's car go into the woods with Aunt Jane. I went back to look & he was giving Aunt Jane a big kiss, then he helped her take off her shirt. Then Aunt Jane helped Daddy take his pants off, then Aunt Jane & Daddy started doing the same thing that Mommy & Uncle JP used to do when Daddy was away!"

Jewish Grandma

The children and grand children of an elderly Jewish woman decided to send grandma on a cruise. Grandma boarded the ship and showed her ticket to the purser.

He looked at it and said, "Oh, I see you have U.D."

She replied, "U.D.? Voos is U.D.?

He said, "U.D. is Upper Deck."

She then went to the upper deck and showed her ticket to the purser there and he said, I see, that in addition to U.D., you also have O.C.

"Grandma replied, "O.C.? Voos is O.C.?"

The purser said, "O.C. is Outside Cabin."

Grandma, needless to say, was delighted.

She then showed her ticket to the cabin boy, and he said,"Oh, I see that you also have B.I.B."

"B.I.B.? Voos is B.I.B.?" asked grandma.

The cabin boy answered, " B.I.B. is Breakfast In Bed."

"Oh!" she said; Mine children and grandchildren are vonderful."

Well, the next morning, bright and early, the staff came right into her room with trays of food for her breakfast in bed, and she said, "F.U.C.K.."

Shocked, they said, "F.U.C.K? What do you mean F.U.C.K.?", to which she replied, "Yes, F.U.C.K.

Foist U Could Knock!

Every Time

A man and his husband were participating in a blood drive, and as part of the pre screening process, an elderly volunteer was asking some questions.

"Have you ever paid for sex?" the woman asked my friend's husband sweetly.

Glancing wearily over at his wife, trying to calm a new baby and tend to several other children milling around her, he sighed, "Every time."

New Drink

A woman and her boyfriend are out having a few drinks. While they're Sitting there having a good time together she starts talking about this really great new drink. The more she talks about it, the more excited she gets, and starts trying to talk her boyfriend into having one. After a while he gives in and lets her order the drink for him.

The bartender brings the drink and puts the following on the bar -- A saltshaker, a shot of Baileys, and a shot of lime juice. The boyfriend looks at the items quizzically and the woman explains.

"First you put a bit of the salt on your tongue, next you drink the shot Of Baileys and hold it in your mouth, and finally you drink the lime juice."

So, the boyfriend, trying to go along and please her, goes for it. He puts the salt on his tongue -- salty but OK. He drinks the shot of Baileys - smooth, rich, cool, very pleasant. He thinks -- this is OK. Finally he picks up the lime juice and drinks it.

.... In one-second the sharp lime taste hits...
.... At two seconds the Baileys curdles
.... At three seconds the salty curdled bitter taste hits.

This triggers his gag reflex but being manly, and not wanting to disappoint his girlfriend; he swallows the now nasty drink.

When he finally chokes it down he turns to his girlfriend, and says, "Jesus, what do you call that drink?"

She smiles widely at him and says............ "Blow Job Revenge"

Sex Education

A fifth grade teacher is told she must teach sex education to her class. She decides to use a math technique to teach the subject, and thinks flash cards will work well. The next day in class, she holds up the first flash card, a picture of breast, and asked "does anyone know what this is?"

Little Suzie responds "I know, I know! It's a picture of a breast and my mommy has two of them!"

The teacher says "very good Suzie, you get a star for the exercise"

The teacher grabs the next card and holds it up. It's a picture of a penis. She asks "Does anyone know what this is?" and little Tommy says "I know I know!! It a penis and my daddy has two of them!!!"

The teacher says "well Tommy, It is a penis but your daddy can't have two of them."

Tommy says "Sure he does, he's got a little one he pees out of and a great big one he brushes mommy's teeth with!"

Explorers

Three explorers were in the deepest darkest jungles of Africa and were captured by a pigmy tribe. The tribe brings them before the chief, who declares that the explorers were tracking across secret hunting grounds, and the penalty was death.

One explorer asks the chief if they are to die. Could they chose the way they wanted to go.

After much consideration, the chief agreed.

The first explorer loved to eat and wanted to eat himself to death.

The tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 lbs of food and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The second explorer loved to drink and wanted to drink himself to death.

Again, the tribe puts him in a hut with 10,000 gals of booze, and two guards outside the door to make sure he doesn't escape.

The third explorer loved to screw women.

This took a little time, as the tribe had to construct a large hut and collect 10,000 naked women. They finally got it all together and placed the explorer in the hut with 10,000 naked women and two guards outside the hut to make sure he didn't escape.

Time rolled by, and about 3 months later the chief remembered that he had to see how the punishment of the three explorers turned out.  He went to the first hut, and found the man had ate so much, he exploded. He had the two guards clean up the mess and dismissed them. In the second hut, the explorer drank so much he puked his guts out. The chief had the two guards clean up the mess, and dismissed them.

You'd never guess what the chief found in the third hut... 10,000 pregnant women, two guards outside the door with red asses and the explorer jacking off in the corner!

Doing the Laundry

A young couple got married. On their honeymoon, they were very anxious about having sex because they were both virgins. Because of their sexual inexperience, they were a bit uncomfortable discussing the subject so they came up with the term "doing the laundry" to use in place of "having sex."

This made them both more comfortable with the whole concept. Well, the first night of their honeymoon was wonderful. They "did the laundry" five times that first night. In the middle of the night the new husband woke up, and he was ready to do the laundry again. He gently shook his new wife and asked her, "Can we do the laundry again?" but she was very tired.

She told him that she just couldn't do it again just yet, maybe in the morning. A few hours later the new wife awoke feeling very guilty. What he had asked for wasn't unreasonable, and she decided she should go ahead and "do the laundry" with him again.

She gently shook him and said, "Honey, I'm sorry I denied you... We can do the laundry again if you want."

He replied, "That's OK... It was a small load... I did it by hand."

Mexican

After just two days of driving through Mexico, Steve was sick and tired of Mexicans. "They hate Americans," he told his wife, "and I swear the next one I see, I'm gonna make that son of a bitch suffer!"

As it happened, Steve's anger was such that he didn't look where he was going, and rear ended a brawny farmer in a pickup truck.

The Mexican came over and leaned in Steve's window. "Hey grreeennngo - why you heet my truck?"

"Because I can't stand you or any other Mexican grease balls!" Steve ranted. "In fact, if you're man enough, I'm gonna come out and kick the shit out of you!"

The Mexican motioned Steve out. "I make a deel weetch you," he said. "If you ween, you take my truck. If I ween, not only do I fuck your wife, but you weel hold my balls to keep them off the hot street."

The men agreed and fought.

Later, Steve was smiling as he and his wife drove off.

"I told you I'd make some Mexican suffer!" he gloated.

His wife looked at him. "What the hell are you talking about?"

Steve smiled. "Didn't you hear how he SCREAMED when I dropped his balls on the asphalt?"

Feathers

Barbara Walters was doing a documentary on the customs of a tribe in Africa. While touring a reservation during the documentary she was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses.

So she asked a man who only had one feather in his headdress, his reply was: "Me only have one woman. One woman ... one feather."

Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another man. This man had two feathers in his headdress and he replied, "Me have two women. Two women ... two feathers."

Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief. Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers. Which, need less to say amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"

The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said, "Me Chief, me fuck' em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me fuck`em all."

Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."

The Chief said, "You damn right me hung. Big like buffalo, long like snake."

Ms. Walters cried, "You don`t have to be so hostile."

The Chief replied, "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style...me fuck' em all."

With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."

The Chief said, "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."

Just had a Baby

Woman: I just had a baby and the doctor told me to do those Kegel exercises - you know to tighten up things down there.

Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am, I understand. Are you in pain?

Woman: No, no, no. It's not that. It's just that every time I do those exercises I have an orgasm.

Dispatcher: I'm sorry, did you say "orgasm"?

Woman: Yes. Am I doing them right?

Dispatcher: Sounds like it to me.

Sexy Lady

A sexy lady meet a handsome young man in a pub, after some drinks and a little tipsy the sexy lady said to the young man, "My mouth is like a loud speaker, my two breasts are for tuning, left one is for tuning the channel AM or FM and my right breast is for tuning bass and treble depending which mode you want."

The young man was aroused by the young lady expression, and said to the lady, "I don't believe it."

Young lady said, "You can try it if you want".

Young man said, "OK, come to my hotel room and prove it to me."

They agreed and both holding hands and headed for the hotel room. Upon entering the room the young lady undressed herself and soon the young man start feeling the left nipple for AM/FM fine-tuning. After a while nothing happen. He changed to the right nipple and start rubbing with greater pressure.

Again, nothing happened.

The young man soon gave up and ask the lady, "Hello sweetie, after I have tuned your AM/FM and treble/bass nipples there are no response."

The sexy lady replied, "You forgot to PLUG IN your power."

Charade Player

The world's greatest charade player brags that he can guess any charade. A TV producer decides to use the charade player in a TV special. He issues a challenge offering the charade player a million dollars to guess a very hard charade on television. The charade player agrees.

Comes the big night, all the world is watching. The charade player is sitting on stage in front of a curtain. Music blares and the curtain opens to reveal seven nude young women. The second and fourth ladies are holding their breasts, while the other five have their backs to him and are baring their behinds.

The charade player barely glances over them and says, "The William Tell Overture by Rossini."

The flabbergasted producer says in awe, "You've done it! That's the correct answer. You are indeed the greatest charade player!" and he hands him a check for a million bucks.

Walking out, a reporter stops the charade player and ask him how he did it.

"It's really simple," says the charade player. "One look at the positions of the seven women, and I realized it as the William Tell Overture."

"Rump... titty... rump... titty... rump... rump... rump."

Sandwiches In Bed

A guy and a girl want to make out. So they go to the girl's house and before entering her room, the girl stops and says, "My little sister sleeps on the bottom bunk of our bed and I do not want her to know what we are doing. So when I say, 'Baloney,' it means push harder, and when I say, 'Pastrami,' it means push softer."

With this, the two get onto the top bunk and gettin it on. First the girl moans, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Then she shouts, "Pastrami! Pastrami! Pastrami!"

Then she switches back to, "Baloney! Baloney! Baloney!"

Finally, the girl's sister yells, "If you're going to make sandwiches up there, you'd better not spill any mayonnaise on me or I'm telling mom!"

Up or Down

At a Senior Citizen's luncheon, an elderly gentleman and an elderly lady struck up a conversation and discovered that they both loved to fish. Since both of them were widowed, they decided to go fishing together the next day.

The gentleman picked the lady up, and they headed to the river to his fishing boat and started out on their adventure. They were riding down the river when there was a fork in the river, and the gentleman asked the lady, "Do you want to go up or down?"

All of a sudden the lady stripped off her shirt and pants and made mad passionate love to the man right there in the boat.

When they finished, the man couldn't believe what had just happened, but he had just experienced the best sex that he'd had in years. They fished for a while and continued on down the river, when soon they came upon another fork in the river. He again asked the lady, "Up or down?"

There she went again, stripped off her clothes, and made wild passionate love to him again. This really impressed the elderly gentleman, so he asked her to go fishing again the next day.

She said yes and there they were the next day, riding in the boat when they came upon the fork in river, and the elderly gentleman asked, "Up or down?"

The woman replied, "Down."

A little puzzled and disappointed, the gentleman guided the boat down the river when he came upon another fork in the river and he asked the lady, "Up or down?"

She replied, "Up."

This really confused the gentleman so he asked, "what's the deal? Yesterday, every time I asked you if you wanted to go up or down you made passionate love to me. Now today, nothing!"

She replied, "Well, yesterday I wasn't wearing my hearing aid and I thought the choices were 'fuck or drown'."

Virgins

The Catholic priest in a small town had become very perturbed, and he decided to lay it on the line to the congregation.

"Brothers, sisters," he said solemnly, "it has come to my attention that there are tales to the effect that immorality is rampant in our fair town. To be specific, it is being said that there is not one virgin left here. This vile lie must and shall be refuted. In order to do so, I ask every virgin in the congregation to rise."

Not a woman stirred.

The priest said, "I understand the modesty that would make a young lady hesitate to announce her condition publicly, but it is necessary to do so. Young women, I conjure those to rise who are truly virgins."

And still not a woman stirred.

Wrath now moved the priest. "Will you, for the fear of experiencing a small shame, incur a great one? This is an order from the Almighty: Let all virgins stand!"

And as his thunderous tones died away, a young lady, far in the rear, with a baby in her arms, rose bashfully.

The preacher stared with astonishment at the baby, then said, "Young woman, I'm asking the virgins to stand."

And the young lady answered indignantly, "Well, father, do you expect this six-month-old girl to stand by herself...?"

Hurts

Boot camp. Duluth, Minnesota. February. Six A.M. Six below zero. The Sergeant bellows "Outta those bunks! Birthday suit inspection! I want you to fall in outside, NOW! Buck nekkid! Stand close enough to make the man in front of you smile! MOVE, YOU FUCKERS!"

The barracks quickly empty, the men fall in and shiver at attention. The Sergeant hollers "LOOSEN RANKS!" The ranks separate a bit.

The Captain approaches, carrying a swagger stick. With the stick, he swats one of the men across the chest. "Did that hurt, Mister?" the Captain demands.

"No, SIR!" the recruit shouts.

"Why not?" barks the Captain.

"Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

The Captain nods, and moves on down the front rank a bit. He whacks another man across the butt. "Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?" "Because I'm a U.S. Marine, SIR!"

Satisfied, the Captain continues on down the rank. He notices that one of the men is sporting a huge erection, and brings his stick down sharply on the proffered target. "Did that hurt, Mister?"

"No, SIR!"

"Why not?"

"Because it belongs to the fellow behind me, SIR!"

Breakoff Engagement

Hank finally found the nerve to tell his fiancee that he had to break off their engagement so that he could marry another woman.

"Can she cook like I can?" the distraught woman asked.

"Not on her best day." Hank replied.

"Can she buy you expensive gifts like I do?" she asked.

"No, she's broke."

"Well then, is it sex?"

"Nope,... nobody does it like you, babe."

"Then what is it?? What can she do for you that I can't?"

"She can sue me for child support!"

Go Downtown

A man and his girlfriend are fulling around. He asks her to 'go downtown.' So, with a sigh, she gets on her knees in front of him and starts staring at his genitals, looking and tipping her head this way and that, studying the whole business.

After about five minutes of this, he asked her in a sort of annoyed voice, "Well, just what are you doing?"

She replied, "I'm doing what I always do when I'm downtown with no money. Just browsing ."

Johnny Go Deeper

There was once a boy named Johnny Go Deeper. He attended a school where his father was the principal, his mother was the vice principal and his sister was an administrator. He stayed after class when the bell rang to speak with his teacher, Mrs. Johnson.

He began the conversation by saying. "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your shirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my shirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you. So Mrs. Johnson removed her shirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your skirt".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my skirt off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". Mrs. Johnson then removed her skirt.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please take off your bra and panties".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I'm not taking my bra and panties off".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". Mrs. Johnson then removed her bra and panties.

Then Johnny says "Mrs. Johnson, please lay on the table".

Mrs. Johnson quickly replied "No Johnny, I will not lay on the table".

So Johnny says "I'll tell my mother and my father and my sister and they'll fire you". Mrs. Johnson lays on the table.

So Johnny jumped on top of her and proceeded to try to penetrate her.

All of a sudden his mother walks in and yells "JOHNNY GO DEEPER"

So Johnny replies "I'm trying, I'm trying".

Public Toilet

Gary and Martin were standing at the urinals in a public lavatory, when Gary glanced over and noticed that Martin's penis was twisted like a corkscrew.

"Wow," Gary said. "I've never seen one like that before."

"Like what?" Martin said.

"All twisted like a pig's tail," Gary said.

"Well, what's yours like?" Martin said.

"Straight, like normal," Gary said.

"I thought mine was normal until I saw yours," Martin said.

Gary finished what he was doing and started to give his old boy a shakedown prior to putting it back in his pants.

"What did you do that for?" Martin said.

"Shaking off the excess drops," Gary said. "Like normal."

"Fucks!," Martin said. "And all these years I've been wringing it."

Talking Filthy to a Barmaid

A man goes into a pub, and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want to bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your breasts" he says. "You dirty git," shouts the barmaid, "get out before I fetch my husband."

The man apologizes and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants. "I want to pull your pants down, spread yogurt between the cheeks of your ass and lick it all off," he says.
"You dirty filthy pervert. You're banned. Get out." she storms.

Again, the man apologizes and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance' says the barmaid. 'Now, what do you want?" "I want to turn you upside down, fill your pussy with Guinness, and then drink every last drop."

The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly.

"What's up, love?" he asks.

"There's a man in the bar who wants to put his head between my breasts and lick the sweat off," she says.
"I'll kill him. Where is he?" storms the husband.

"Then he said he wanted to pour yogurt down between my ass cheeks and lick it off," she screams.
"Right. He's dead." says the husband, reaching for a bat.

"Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my pussy with Guinness and then drink it all," she cries.

The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair,and switches the telly back on.

"Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically.

"Look, love. I'm not messing with someone who can drink 12 pints of Guinness."

Sweet Aroma of my Mistress

There was once a great actor who could no longer remember his lines. After many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line. You walk on to the stage at the opening carrying a rose. You hold the rose to your nose with just one finger and thumb, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line: 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play hes practicing his line over and over again.

Finally, the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and using just one finger he delivered the line, "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming!

"You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened, did I forget my line?"

"No!" screamed the director. "You forgot the rose!"

80 Years Old

An elderly man goes into confession and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, have four kids and 11 grandchildren. I started taking this new Viagra pill, and last night I had an affair and made love to two 18-year-old girls. Both of them, Twice.

The priest said: "Well, my son, when was the last time you were in confession?"

"Never Father, I'm Jewish."

"So then, why are you telling me?"

"Because I'm telling everybody!"

Bolt of Lightning

One day a priest was playing baseball. A nun was cheer-leading near first base.

The priest was up to bat. The pitcher threw the ball. The priest
swung, missed, and said "Dammit! I missed!"

"Don't you say that mister or God will strike you with a bolt of lightning," the nun said.

Again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and said
"Dammit! I missed!"

"If you say that one more time mister, God will strike you with a bolt of lightning," the nun said.

Once again the pitcher threw the ball. The priest swung, missed, and
said "Dammit! I missed!"

A bolt of lightning strikes the nun and God says "Dammit! I missed!"

A Carnal Test

Three couples wanted to be admitted into a new church. One was an elderly couple, one was a middle-aged couple, and one was a young couple.

The priest said, "Well, the only way you can get into my church is to abstain from having sex for two weeks."

"No problem," said all three couples.

Two weeks later, the three couples returned to the church.

"It was a piece of cake," said the elderly couple. "We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

The middle-aged couple said, "It was kind of difficult, but we made it. We didn't have sex for two weeks straight."

Finally, the young couple said, "Well, we made it through the first five days or so, but then, as my wife was bending over to pick up a can of paint, I just had to give it to her right then and there."

The priest was stunned. "You do realize that you aren't welcome in this church, don't you?"

The couple shrugged it off. "That's ok. We aren't welcome in Home Depot anymore, either."

A Dirty Fork

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."
 
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
 
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."
 
Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.
 
Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again. "Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."
 
"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."
 
The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."
 
Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.
 
He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."
 
The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

A Good Witch

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green.

All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again,
she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

A Graduate Student in Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

All Blue

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
 
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
 
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
 
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed. Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too." 

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
 
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?" asks the doctor.
 
"But...how do I pee?"
 
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
 
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
 
"What?"
 
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
 
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

Easy Tommy

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Tommy,we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: "It's okay, Tommy, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." 

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "Tommy, Tommy relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, Tommy boy.

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay...Tommy is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm Tommy,This wee shit's name is Billy.

All-night Duty

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. 

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
 
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. 

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
 
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
 
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

American History

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
 
 She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
 
 "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
 
 The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
 
 "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
 
 Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Epic Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see her driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" Asked the blonde

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is." she said

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

Starting of a Christmas Tradition

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

The Ventriloquist Cowboy

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his pad.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
 
Indian: Dog no talk.
 
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
 
Dog: Doin' all right. Indian: [Extreme look of shock]
 
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
 
Dog: Yep
 
Cowboy: How's he treating you?
 
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: [look of disbelief] 

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
 
Indian: Horse no talk.
 
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
 
Horse: Cool. Indian: [extreme look of shock]
 
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
 
Horse: Yep
 
Cowboy: How's he treating you?
 
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: [total look of amazement]
 
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
 
Indian: Sheep lie!

Ball Buster

"Doc," says Jay, "I want to be castrated."
 
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
 
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Jay.
 
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
 
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
 
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
 
So Jay has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
 
"Hi there," says Jay,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
 
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
 
Jay stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!

Are You Gay?

A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"
 
The man answers, "Yes, I do"
 
"Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"
 
The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."
 
The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks."
 
"You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?"
 
"Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot."
 
"Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."
 
The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays."
 
"Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?"
 
"Hell no," the man replies, "I hate fags!"
 
The devil look at him, and says, "Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."

Artificial Respiration

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.
 
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
 
But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.
 
"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." 

"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

Small Step for Man

When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."

For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."

Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window.

When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski,
telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID
NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

Scotsmen first Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
 
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
 
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
 
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
 
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
 
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with
pr-r-ride!"

Cannibals

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. 

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
 
 The Chief said, "You betcha!"
 
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
 
 The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
 
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
 
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
 
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
 
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
 
 The chief says, "No."
 
"No?" asked the rescuer.
 
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Congratulations

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
 
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
 
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
 
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
 
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
 
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"
 
"I switched cocks."
 
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Cowboy Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
 
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
 
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
 
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
 
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
 
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!"

Dam Fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." 

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
 
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
 
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
 
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
 
 His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Dear Diary

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!