I Know the Whole Truth

At school, a boy was told by a classmate that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, and that this makes it very easy to blackmail them by saying, "I know the whole truth". 

The boy decides to go home and try it out. He goes home, and as he is greeted by his mother he says, "I know the whole truth." 

His mother quickly hands him a $50 and says, "Just don't tell your father."

Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, "I know the whole truth." 

The father also promptly hands him a $50 and says, "Please don't say a word to your mother."
 
 Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day, when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, "I know the whole truth." 

The mailman drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, "Then come give your FATHER a big hug."

Indian Toilet Paper

An Indian walks into a trading post and asks for toilet paper. The clerk asks if he would like no name, Charmin, or White Cloud. 

"White Cloud sounds like good Indian toilet paper," says the Indian. "How much is it?"
 
"$1.00 a roll," the clerk replies.
 
"That seems pretty expensive," responds the Indian. "What about the others?"
 
"Charmin is $2.00 a roll, and no name is 50 cents a roll."
 
The Indian doesn't have much money, so he opts for the no name. Within a few hours, he is back at the trading post. 

"I have a name for the no name toilet paper," he announces to the clerk. "We shall call it John Wayne."
 
"Why?" asks the confused clerk.
 
"Cause it's rough and it's tough and it don't take no shit off an Indian."

Insects

A boy and his father were playing catch in the front yard when the boy saw a honey bee. He ran over and stomped it. 

"That was a honey bee," his father said, "one of our friends. For stomping him you will do without honey for a week."
 
Later the boy saw a butterfly, so he ran over and stomped it.
 
"That was a butterfly," his father said, "one of our friends, and for stomping him you will do without butter for a week."
 
 The next morning the family sat down for breakfast. The boy ate his plain toast with no honey or butter. Suddenly a cockroach ran out from under the stove. His mother stomped
it.
 
The boy looked at his father and said, "Are you going to tell her, Dad, or should I?"

In The Heart

A cardiac specialist died and at his funeral the coffin was placed in front of a huge mock up of a heart made up of flowers. When the pastor finished with the sermon and eulogy, and after everyone said their good-byes, the heart opened, the coffin rolled inside and the heart closed. Just then one of the mourners burst into laughter.
 
The guy next to him asked: "Why are you laughing?"
 
"I was thinking about my own funeral" the man replied.
 
"What's so funny about that?"
 
"I'm a gynecologist."

Jeeves, Take Off My Dress

A wealthy couple had planned to go out for the evening. The woman of the house decided to give their butler, Jeeves, the rest of the night off. She said they would be home very late, and that he should just enjoy his evening.

As it turned out, however, the wife wasn't having a good time at the party, so she came home early, alone. Her husband had to stay there, as several of his important clients were there. As the woman walked into her house, she saw Jeeves sitting by himself in the dining room. She called for him to follow her, and led him into the master bedroom. She looked at him and smiled. "Jeeves," she said.

"Take off my dress." He did this carefully.

"Jeeves," she continued. "Take off my stockings and garter." He silently obeyed her.

"Jeeves," she then said. "Remove my bra and panties. " As he did this, the tension continued to mount.

She then said, "Jeeves, if I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, you're fired!"

Terrible Headaches

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came
across a doctor who solved the problem. 

"The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles." 

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need, a new suit." 

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." 

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" 

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure!" 

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see,... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck."
 
Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" 

Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure!" 

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see...9 and a half wide." 

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" 

Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure!" 

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see. . . 7 5/8." 

Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?" 

"It's my job." The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" 

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure!" 

The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36." 

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 30 since I was 18 years old." 

The salesman shook his head and said, "You can't wear a size 30 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!"

Leprechaun

A guy wakes up in a drunken stupor, opening his eyes he sees Claudia Schiffer on the bed next to him. He thinks this is a little odd, as he doesn't remember a thing, let alone going to bed with her. He decides to get up and get himself a drink from the fridge. He gets to the fridge and opens the door and is faced with a large suitcase. He takes the suitcase out of the fridge, puts it on the table and opens it to find $1 Million.
 
This is just a little too much for the guy who thinks he is losing his mind. He wonders if he is hallucinating, so he goes to the window and draws back the blind. Outside on his front lawn is the Klu Klux Klan and dangling from the tree is an open noose, empty. They appear to be beckoning him and shouting.
 
Now the guy is really freaked out, he quickly draws the blind and turns around. In the corner of his kitchen is a leprechaun, obviously drunk as well. He asks the leprechaun what is going on.
 
 "Well," says the leprechaun, "I was drunk last night as well, and as I was crossing the road, I was nearly run down. You ran across the road and pushed me to safety, so I granted you three wishes in return for saving me."
 
 "Well, I can guess the first one" says the guy, "Supermodel, bed, yeah I got that one. What about the other two?"
 
 "The money in the fridge?" says the leprechaun, "You asked for a cool million."
 
"And them out there?" asks the guy,
 
"You said you wanted to be hung like a black man."

Moral of the Story 6

Young King Arthur was ambushed and imprisoned by the monarch of a neighboring kingdom. The monarch could have killed him but was moved by Arthur's youthful happiness.

So he offered him freedom so long as he could answer a very difficult question. Arthur would have a year to figure out the answer. If, after a year, he still had no answer, he would be killed. The question was, "What do women really want?"

Such a question would perplex even the most knowledgeable man, and, to young Arthur, it seemed an impossible query. Since it was better than death, he accepted the monarch's proposition to have an answer by year's end.

Arthur returned to his kingdom and began to poll everybody: the princess, the prostitutes, the priests, the wise men, the court jester. He spoke with everyone, but no one could give him a
satisfactory answer. What most people told him was to consult the old witch, as only she would know the answer. The price would be high, since the witch was famous throughout the kingdom for the exorbitant prices she charged.

The last day of the year arrived, and Arthur had no alternative but to talk to the witch. She agreed to answer his question, but he'd have to accept her price first: The old witch wanted to marry Gawain, the most noble of the Knights of the Round Table and Arthur's closest friend!

Young Arthur was horrified. The witch was hunchbacked and awfully hideous, she had only one tooth, she smelled like sewage water, and she often made obscene noises. He had never run across such a repugnant creature. He refused to force his friend to marry her and have to endure such a burden.

Gawain, upon learning of the proposal, spoke with Arthur. He told him that nothing was too big of a sacrifice compared to Arthur's life and the preservation of the Round Table. Hence, their wedding was proclaimed, and the witch answered Arthur's question: "What a woman really wants is to be able to be in charge of her own life."

Everyone instantly knew that the witch had uttered a great truth and that Arthur's life would be spared. And so it went. The neighboring monarch spared Arthur's life and granted him total freedom.

What a wedding Gawain and the witch had! Arthur was torn between relief and
anguish. Gawain was proper as always, gentle and courteous. The old witch put her worst manners on display. She ate with her hands, belched and farted, and made everyone uncomfortable.

The wedding night approached. Gawain, steeling himself for a horrific night, entered the bedroom. What a sight awaited! The most beautiful woman he'd ever seen lay before him! Gawain was astounded and asked what had happened. The beauty replied that since he had been so kind to her (when she had been a witch), half the time she would be her horrible, deformed self, and the other half, she would be her beautiful maiden self. Which, she asked, would he want her to be during the day and which during the night?

What a cruel question. Gawain began to think of his predicament: During the day, he could have a beautiful woman to show off to his friends, but at night, in the privacy of his home, he would be with an old spooky witch. Or would he prefer having by day a hideous witch but by night a beautiful woman to enjoy many intimate moments? What would you do? What Gawain chose follows below, but don't read until you've made your own choice.
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Noble Gawain replied that he would let the witch choose for herself. Upon hearing this, she announced that she would be beautiful all the time because he had respected her and had let her be in charge of her own life.

What is the moral of this story? The moral is that it doesn't matter if your woman is pretty or ugly; underneath it all, she's still a witch.

Lucky Frog

A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on he second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." 

The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. 

He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh? 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog."
 
The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." 

The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas." They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" 

The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" 

The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." 

Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. 

He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." 

The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me." He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl. 

"And that, your honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson."

Man Falls Asleep

One day Mrs. Jones went to have a talk with the minister at the local church. "Reverend," she said, "I have a problem, my husband keeps falling asleep during your sermons. It's very embarrassing. What should I do?"
 
 "I have an idea," said the minister. "Take this hatpin with you. I will be able to tell when Mr. Jones is sleeping, and I will motion to you at specific times. When I motion, you give him a good poke in the leg."
 
In church the following Sunday, Mr. Jones dozed off. Noticing this, the preacher put his plan to work. "And who made the ultimate sacrifice for you?" he said, nodding to Mrs. Jones. "Jesus!", Jones cried as his wife jabbed him the leg with the hatpin.
 
"Yes, you are right, Mr. Jones," said the minister. Soon, Mr. Jones nodded off again. Again, the minister noticed. "Who is your redeemer?" he asked the congregation, motioning towards Mrs. Jones. "God!" Mr. Jones cried out as he was stuck again with the hatpin.
 
"Right again," said the minister, smiling. Before long, Mr. Jones again winked off. However, this time the minister did not notice. As he picked up the tempo of his sermon, he made a few motions that Mrs. Jones mistook as signals to bayonet her husband with the hatpin again.
 
 The minister asked, "And what did Eve say to Adam after she bore him his 99th son?"
 
Mrs. Jones poked her husband, who yelled, "You stick that goddamned thing in me one more time and I'll break it in half and shove it up your ass!"
 
 "Amen," replied the congregation.

Milking the Cow

Farmer John had just walked into the local watering hole, when who should he see, but his old friend Chris the tractor salesman sitting up at the bar. Chris looked so down and dejected, that John just had to go up and say something to him.

"Say, Chris, how ya doing? How's the tractor selling business these days?"

If Chris had looked sad before, at the mention of tractor sales, his face sank even more, and a tear came to his eye. "John," he said, shaking his head, "I don't know what it is. I can't sell a tractor these days to save my life. I'll tell you, I just gotta sell one tractor and soon, or else I'll lose that  dealership for good."

"Well," John said, taking the barstool next to him, "If you think you got it bad, I got it worse. Now you listen to this. I went out to the barn the other morning to milk Bessy. That ol' cow gets more ornery as the years go by. Anyway, no sooner did I sit down on the milking stool and get to work, but ol' Bes starts a slappin' me with her tail. After a minute or so, I got fed up with it, so I threw a rope up over the rafters, and tied ol' Bessy's tail to the rafters."

"Then I got back to work. I didn't even get two squirts into the bucket, when Bes gives me a kick. Knocked me clean off the stool! Boy, did that upset me! So I get me another rope an' tie Bessy's right hind leg to the side of the milking stall, and get a started trying to milk her again. Well by this time, Bessy's about livid, and she doesn't want any part of it, so she let's me have it with her other hind leg. I wasn't about to give in to this ol' cow, so I got me yet another piece of rope and tied up Bessy's left leg to the other side of the stall."

Just then John paused to take a sip his beer. Chris, distracted for a moment from his own troubles, asked John, "Well, did you finally get to milk her?"

"Well, yes and no, Chris. But I'll tell ya what, if you can convince my wife that I was out there to MILK that cow, I'll BUY a tractor from ya!"

What Time is It

An American couple on vacation with some friends in Mexico were shopping at the market to bring back a few souvenirs to their family and friends. Time passed, and the couple realized that neither of them was wearing a watch. They noticed this little Mexican man taking a siesta next to this mule, which had the largest set of mule nuts they had ever seen.
 
 Trying not to stare at the huge mule nuts, they asked the little Mexican man, "Excuse us, but could you tell us what time it is?"
 
 The little Mexican man reached his hand under the enormous set of mule nuts and, lifting them high, said, "It's 3 o'clock."
 
 Amazed by this, the American couple went off to find their friends and tell them the amazing story. "This little Mexican man over there can tell time by lifting his mule's balls!"
 
Curious and amazed, the friends wanted to see this first-hand, so they went back and asked the little Mexican man what time it was. Sure enough, the little Mexican man reached out again, cupped his hands under the mule's nuts, lifted them up as if to weigh them, and said, "It is 3:15."
 
 The friends checked the time on their watches, and sure enough, the little man was correct. Blown away by this, the American couple finally asked, "It is just amazing...how do you do that?"
 
 "Do what?" the Mexican asked.
 
"Tell the time by lifting your mule's balls!"
 
"Ah...." said the Mexican. "I just need to lift his balls so I can see that big clock across the street."

Greatest Sin

Three nuns on a train had been getting to know one another and decided to tell each other what their greatest sins were. The first nun says, "My greatest sin is sex. Every year I go out for a week and work as a prostitute. Of course, I put all the money I earn into the poor box."
 
The second nun says, "My greatest sin is drinking. Every year I take the money from the poor box and go out drinking for a solid week." The third just sits there quietly.
 
So the first nun says to her, "Come on, we've told you our worst sins. Now you have to tell us yours."
 
The third nun says, "My greatest sin is that I gossip, and I can't wait to get off this train."

Neighborhood Report

Bill and Marla decided that the only way to pull off a Sunday afternoon quickie with their 10-year-old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony and order him to report on all the neighborhood activities.
 
The boy began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation. "There's a car being towed from the parking lot," he said. "An ambulance just drove by." A few moments passed. "Looks like the Anderson's have company," he called out. "Matt`s riding a new bike and the Coopers are having sex."
 
 Mom and dad shot up in bed. "How do you know that?" the startled father asked.
 
 "Their kid is standing out on the balcony too," his son replied.

New Boots

Sam has always wanted an expensive pair of alligator cowboy boots. Seeing them on sale one day, he buys a pair and wears them home, asking Bessie, "So, do you notice anything different about me?"

"What's different? It's the same shirt you wore yesterday and the same pants."

"What's different?" Frustrated, Sam goes into the bathroom, undresses and comes out completely naked, wearing only his new boots. Again he says, "Bessie, do you notice anything different?"

"What's different, Sam? It's hanging down today; it was hanging down yesterday and will be hanging down again tomorrow."

Angrily, Sam yells, "Do you know why it's hanging down? 'Cause it's looking at my new boots!!"

Bessie replies, "You shoulda bought a hat!"

Fax

A professor of mathematics sent a fax to his wife.
 
Dear Wife, 
You must realize that you are 54 years old, and I have certain needs that you are no longer able to satisfy. I am otherwise happy with you as a wife and sincerely hope that you will not be hurt  or offended to learn that by the time you receive this letter, I will
be at the Grand Hotel with my 18-year-old teaching assistant. I'll be home before midnight. 

Your Husband
 
When he arrived at the hotel, there was a faxed letter waiting for him that read as follows.
 
Dear Husband, 
You too are 54 years old, and by the time you receive this letter, I will be at the Breakwater Hotel with the 18-year-old pool boy. Since you are the mathematician, you will appreciate the fact that 18 goes into 54 more times than 54 goes into 18. 

Therefore, 
don't wait up.

Deposit

One day an elderly man decided that since he had never fathered any children that he would make a deposit to the local sperm bank. At the sperm bank a young doctor gave the man a jar and told him to go into the bathroom and put his deposit in it.

After what seemed like a long time the young doctor began to worry about the elderly man so he went to the bathroom door and knocked and ask if he was all right. No answer came from beyond the door so the doctor opened the door finding the elderly man breathing hard and sweating.

The Dr. asks, "Are you OK!"

The elderly man replied, "Son, it is not as easy as it use to be. I have slapped it, spit on it and beat it on the wall. I even ran hot water on it, I ran cold water on it and I can't get the lid off this jar to save my life!"

Big Bad Wolf

Little red riding hood was walking through the forest and saw the wolf hiding in the grass
She said "What big ears you have."

He says "The better to hear you with." then he runs off.

Then she sees him hiding behind a tree & she says "What big eyes you have."

"The better to see you with." he says, again running away.

Then she sees him hiding behind a rock & says "What big teeth you have."

He replies "Dammit would you leave me alone? I'm trying to take a shit, you damn nosey brat!"

Prohibited

A beautiful woman walked into an orchard and found a lovely pool in it. She decided to go skinny-dipping. She looked around, didn't see anyone, and undressed. Just as she was about to dive in, the orchard owner appeared from behind the bush where he was hiding all along and told her that swimming was prohibited.
 
 "You could have told me that before I undressed!" she scolded him.
 
He replied, "Swimming is prohibited, undressing isn't."

What Shall we Do

Two nuns, Sister Marilyn and Sister Helen, are traveling through Europe in their car. They get to Transylvania and are stopped at a traffic light. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a tiny little Dracula jumps onto the hood of the car and hisses through the windshield.
 
 "Quick, quick!" shouts Sister Marilyn. "What shall we do?"
 
"Turn the windshield wipers on. That will get rid of the abomination," says Sister Helen.
 
 Sister Marilyn switches them on, knocking Dracula about, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
 
 "What shall I do now?" she shouts.
 
"Switch on the windshield washer. I filled it up with Holy Water at the Vatican," says Sister Helen. 

Sister Marilyn turns on the windshield washer. Dracula screams as the water burns his skin, but he clings on and continues hissing at the nuns.
 
"Now what?" shouts Sister Marilyn.
 
"Show him your cross," says Sister Helen.
 
"Now you're talking," says Sister Marilyn. She opens the window and shouts "Get the fuck off our car!"

Feel your Breast

An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini. "I want to feel your breasts" he exclaimed.  

"Get away from me, you crazy old man" she replied.
 
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars," he says.
 
"Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!"
 
"I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS" he stated.
 
"NO! Get away from me!"
 
"TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS" he offered.
 
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and says, "I said NO!"
 
"FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts," he exclaimed.
 
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough... and $500 IS a lot of money... "Well, OK... but only for a minute."
 
She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the  beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel... then he started saying, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD..." while he was caressing them.
 
Out of curiosity, she asked him, "Why do you keep saying, 'Oh my god, oh my god'?"
 
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, "OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD... OH MY GOD, where am I ever going to get five hundred dollars?"

Working Girl

A guy is sitting in a bar, absolutely drooling at a pretty young thing in her short, pink mini-dress. Using the time honored ice breaker, he sends her a drink.
 
"How lucky am I," he thinks, as she gets up to come sit next to him.
 
They strike up a wonderful conversation. Finally the girl turns to him and says, "Look, you seem like a really nice guy, so I have to tell you that I'm a working girl. I get two hundred dollars for what you think you'll ply out of me with liquor."
 
He replies, "I have no problem with the money but, since you were so straight forward I must tell you that when I come, I go nuts. I bite, scratch, kick, punch, pull hair, break furniture, and just plain destroy the place."
 
"Oh my God! How long does that last?" she asked.
 
"Just until I get my two hundred bucks back," he replied.

Chinese Torture

A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, gray beard. "I’m lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"

"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn’t keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man’s warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bare it no longer and snuck into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn’t hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."

"Well, that’s pretty crappy," he thought. "If that’s the best the old man can do then I don’t have much to worry about."

He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line that was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

Populate the Earth

One day, God and Adam were walking in the Garden of Eden. God told Adam that it was time to populate the Earth. "Adam, you can start by kissing Eve."

"Lord, what is a kiss?" asked Adam.

God explained, and then Adam took Eve behind the bush and kissed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord! That was great! What's next?"

"Adam, I now want you to caress Eve."

"Lord, what is caress?" asked Adam.

God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush and caressed her. A little while later, Adam returned with a big smile and said, "Lord that was even better than a kiss! What's next?"

"Here is what gets the deed done. I now want you to make love to Eve."

"Lord, what is make love?" asked Adam. God explained, then Adam took Eve behind the bush.

A few seconds later, Adam returned and asked, "Lord, what is a headache?"

Punishment

A man died and was taken to his place of eternal torment by the devil. As he passed sulphurous pits and shrieking sinners, he saw a man he recognized as a lawyer snuggling up to a beautiful woman. 

"That's unfair!" he cried. "I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman." 

"Shut up," barked the devil, jabbing the man with his pitchfork. "Who are you to question that woman's punishment?"

Rosebuds

The teenage granddaughter comes downstairs for her date with this see-through blouse on and no bra. Her grandmother just has a fit, telling her not to dare go out like that.
 
The teenager tells her "Loosen up Grams. These are modern times. You gotta let your rosebuds show!" and out she goes.
 
The next day the teenager comes downstairs, and the grandmother is sitting there with no top on. The teenager wants to die. She explains to her grandmother that she has friends coming over and that it is just not appropriate.
 
"Loosen up, sweetie. If you can show off your rosebuds, then I can display my hanging baskets."

Searching for a Small Bra

A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a size 28AAAA bra?"
 
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall, she had become disgusted. Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
 
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
 
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"

Silent but Deadly

There was once a very prim and proper older lady who had a problem with passing gas. Since she came from a generation when people didn't even talk about this kind of problem it took a long time for her to seek help. Finally, however, she was persuaded to consult her family doctor.
 
After she filled out all the proper forms and had waited about 20 minutes in the waiting room the doctor called her into his office, leaned back in his chair, folded his hands into a steeple and asked her how he could help.
 
"Doctor," she said, "I have a very bad gas problem."
 
"A gas problem?" replied the doctor.
 
"Yes. Yesterday afternoon, I had lunch with the Secretary of State and his wife and had six, um, er, ahhh...silent gas emissions. Last night, I had dinner with the governor and his wife and had (blush) four silent gas emissions. Then, while sitting in your waiting room I had five silent gas emissions! Doctor, you've got to help me! What can we do?"
 
"Well," said the doctor thoughtfully, "I think the first thing we're going to do is give you a hearing test."