Purple Heart

Denis had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy he’s got a purple heart on!” to which the mother replied, “I don’t give a dam what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at he Joneses’ for a couple of hours.”

Window Washer

A beautiful woman had just stepped out of the bathtub in her hotel suite and was about to reach for a towel when she caught sight of a window washer taking in all of her glory. Too stunned to move, she stood staring at the man. 

“Whatcha lookin’ at, lady?” he finally asked. “Ain’tcha never seen a window washer before?”

Cork

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball match when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass. “If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “the cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” said the other.

"Well," says the first guy, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, “I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.

And I said, ‘No shit.’”

New U2 Record

Walking up to the counter in the record store, the luscious young lady asked the man, “Do you have U2’s latest?”
 
“What I got for you,” the man said, leaning closer, “is an eight-inch schlong.”
 
Puzzled, the girl asked, “Is that a record?” 

“No,” the clerk said, “but it’s far better than average.”

Cookie

A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie. 

The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

Fuzz

After meeting at a bar, the young couple repaired to a local lover’s lane, where they proceeded to cement their new relationship. Having freed her of blouse and bra, he was helping remove the rest of her clothing when a police car drove by.

“Fuzz,” he whispered excitedly, ducking his head.

“What did you expect,” she replied, “a ponytail?”

Blind Man

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 8 children. A blind man joins them a few minutes later. When the bus arrives, they find it is overloaded and only the wife and kids are able to fit. The husband and the blind man decide to walk, the blind man’s cane tapping the ground. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick and says, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? The ticking sound is driving me crazy!” 

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we would be sitting in the bus right now.”

In Rhyme

This guy applied for a waiter’s job at this bar. The bartender told him he must be able to call the orders back to him in rhyme.
 
He said "I can do that", so the bartender said I will give you a test, the next person that comes in, see what you can do.
 
So these two lawyers came in and ordered a bottle beer, Then this hooker came in and ordered a bottle of beer, Then this country girl came in and ordered a draft beer.
 
So he hollowed back to the bartender, "Two brews for two Jews, one more for a good looking whore a beer in a glass for country lass and if that isn't poetry you can kiss my ass."

Get a Man

Connie was seen going into the woods with a small package and a birdcage. She was gone several days and then finally returned. Her friend Lisa had never seen Connie looking so sad. “I heard you went off in the woods for a couple of days,” Lisa said. “I’m glad you got back okay, but why do you look so sad?”

Connie replied, “Because I just can’t get a man.”

Lisa said, “Well, you sure won’t find one in the middle of the woods.”

“Don’t be so silly, Connie said. “I know that. I went into the woods because I needed something there that would get me a man. But I just couldn’t find it.”

“I don’t understand,” Lisa said. “What are you taking about?”

"I went there to catch a couple of owls,” Connie replied. “I took some dead mice and a birdcage.”

“How on earth will that help you get a man?” asked Lisa.

“Well,” said  Connie, “I’m told the best way to get a man is to have a good pair of hooters.”

An Astronaut

Three guys were looking at the stars one night. One of them turns and says, "One of these days, I'm going to be an astronaut." 

The other two replied, "Oh really?"
 
The guy said, "Oh yeah, and I'm going to be the first person to land on the sun." 

The friends said, "How are you going to do that? Once you land on the sun, you are going to burn up." 

The man answered, "Don't worry, I've got it covered. I'm going to leave at night."

Double Date

Roger had set a double date for himself and his friend Troy. Roger said, "Troy, I'll give you first choice. Let me tell you what they’re like." 

"Okay," said his buddy. 

"Sandra has kind of a dumpy figure. She's short on looks, but she gives an incredible blowjob. Suzie is pretty and has a perfect pair of legs, which she shows off by wearing shoes with very high heels." 

"Say no more," interrupted Troy. "I'll go for head over heels anytime."

Lie Detector Robot

John was a salesman's delight when it came to any kind of unusual gimmick. His wife Marsha had long ago given up trying to get him to change. One day John came home with another one of his unusual purchases. It was a robot that John claimed was actually a lie detector. It was about 5:30 that afternoon when Tommy, their 11-year-old son, returned home from school. Tommy was over 2 hours late.

"Where have you been? Why are you over 2 hours late getting home?" asked John

"Several of us went to the library to work on an extra credit project." said Tommy

The robot then walked around the table and slapped Tommy, knocking him completely out of his chair. "Son," said John, "this robot is a lie detector. Now tell us where you really were after school."

"We went to Bobby's house and watched a movie." said Tommy

"What did you watch?" asked Marsha

"The Ten Commandments!" answered Tommy

The robot went around to Tommy and once again slapped him, knocking him off his chair once more. With his lip quivering, Tommy got up, sat down, and said, "I'm sorry I lied. We really watched a movie called Sex Queen."

"I am ashamed of you, son," said John. "When I was your age, I never lied to my parents." The robot then walked around to John and delivered a whack that nearly knocked him out of his chair.

Marsha doubled over in laughter, almost in tears, and said, "Boy, did you ever ask for that one! You can't be too mad with Tommy. After all, he is your son!" With that the robot immediately walked around to Marsha and knocked her out of her chair.

Essential vocabulary additions for the workplace (and elsewhere)!

1. BLAMESTORMING: Sitting around in a group, discussing why a deadline was missed or a project failed, and who was responsible.
2. SEAGULL MANAGER: A manager, who flies in, makes a lot of noise, craps on everything, and then leaves.
3. ASSMOSIS: The process by which some people seem to absorb success and advancement by kissing up to the boss rather than working hard
4. SALMON DAY: The experience of spending an entire day swimming upstream only to get screwed and die in the end.
5. CUBE FARM: An office filled with cubicles.
6. PRAIRIE DOGGING: When someone yells or drops something loudly in a cube farm, and people's heads pop up over the walls to see what's going on.
7. MOUSE POTATO: The on-line, wired generation's answer to the couch potato.
8. SITCOM: Single Income, Two Children, Oppressive Mortgage. What Yuppies get into when they have children and one of them stops working to stay home with the kids.
9. STRESS PUPPY: A person who seems to thrive on being stressed out and whiny.
10. SWIPEOUT: An ATM or credit card that has been rendered useless because magnetic strip is worn away from extensive use.
11. XEROX SUBSIDY: Euphemism for swiping free photocopies from one's workplace.
12. IRRITAINMENT: Entertainment and media spectacles that are Annoying but you find yourself unable to stop watching them.
13. PERCUSSIVE MAINTENANCE: The fine art of whacking the crap out of an electronic device to get it to work again. Often feel like doing this to my computer------
14. ADMINISPHERE: The rarefied organizational layers beginning just above the rank and file. Decisions that fall from the adminisphere are often profoundly inappropriate or irrelevant to the problems they were designed to solve.
15. 404: Someone who's clueless. From the World Wide Web error Message "404 Not Found," meaning that the requested site could not be located.
16. GENERICA: Features of the American landscape that is exactly the same no matter where one is, such as fast food joints, strip malls, and subdivisions.
17. OHNOSECOND: That minuscule fraction of time in which you realize that you've just made a BIG mistake. (Like after hitting send on an email by mistake).
18. WOOFS: Well-Off Older Folks.
19. CROP DUSTING: Surreptitiously passing gas while passing through a Cube Farm.

Element

A science teacher asks a student, "Mike if you could have any element off the element table what would it be."

Mike said "Gold, because gold is worth a lot and I could have a Ferrari in my driveway."

The teacher asked another student "Johnny what element would you choose"

Johnny said "Platinum, because platinum is more expensive than gold and I could have a Viper in my driveway."

The teacher asked another student "George what element would you pick"

George said "Silicone."

“Silicone?” the amazed teacher asked.

George said "Because my mom got some silicone and now she has a ferrari and a viper in her driveway."

Private Detective

A jealous husband hired a private detective to check on the movements of his wife. The husband wanted more than a written report; he wanted video of his wife's activities.

A week later, the detective returned with a video. They sat down together to watch it. Although the quality was less than professional, the man saw his wife meeting another man!

He saw the two of them laughing in the park. He saw them enjoying themselves at an outdoor cafe.

He saw them dancing in a dimly lit nightclub. He saw the man and his wife participate in a dozen activities with utter glee.

"I just can't believe this," the distraught husband said.

The detective said, "What's not to believe? It's right up there on the screen!"

The husband replied, "I can't believe that my wife could be so much fun!"

Forgiven Your Enemies

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?” 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.

"Mrs. Jones. Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”

“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.

“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”

“Ninety-eight.” she replied.

“Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”

The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: “I outlived the bitches.”

Not Bubba

Bubba died in a fire and his body was burned pretty badly. The morgue needed someone to identify the body, so they sent for his two best friends, Daryl and Gomer. The three men had always done everything together.

Daryl arrived first, and when the mortician pulled back the sheet, Daryl said, "Yup, his face is burnt up pretty bad. You better roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over, and Daryl said, "Nope, ain't Bubba."

The mortician thought that was rather strange. Then he brought Gomer in to identify the body. Gomer took a look at the body and said, "Yup, he's pretty well burnt up. Roll him over."

The mortician rolled him over and Gomer said, "No, it ain't Bubba."

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Gomer said, "Well, Bubba had two assholes."

"What? He had two assholes?!" said the mortician.

"Yup, everyone knew he had two assholes. Every time we went to town, folks would say, 'Here comes, Bubba with them two assholes.'"

Excellent Health

A 65-year-old man went for a physical examination. After the doctor finished his exam and read the lab work he said, "You are in excellent health for a man your age. What did your father die from?"

The man replied, "My father is not dead he is 86 years old and we played 18 holes of golf this morning and walked the course."
The doctor said, "That's incredible - what did your grandfather die from?"

The man replied, "Who said he is dead, he is 108 years old an in fact, he just got married again."

The doctor asked, “Why in the world would a 108 year old man want to get married for?"

The man replied, "Who said he wanted to get married, He got his 21 year old girlfriend pregnant and he had to."

Too Shy to Buy Condoms

This young lad got himself a girlfriend. He has been dating her for a few weeks and she’s just agreed for them to have sex on the condition that he uses a condom. He goes to the chemist to buy some condoms but there are a lot of women around so he comes over all shy and decides to buy a Lollypop.

The next day he goes back to the chemist same thing happens again but this time he buys a pair of tweezers.

On the third day he’s getting really hot and horny, goes back into the chemist, the chemist is empty with a beautiful assistant behind the counter. He shyly goes up to the counter and asks for packet o condoms.

The assistant turns rounds and asks him "You guna SUCKA PLUKA or FUCKA?.”

Six Month Hunting Trip

Two mates have been on safari in deepest, darkest Africa for six months shooting and trapping all manner of game when they come across a large female orangutan, one says to the other "Gees I'm horny, how about we trap her and have a bit of fun?"

"I don’t know" replies the other. "shes a big monkey."

Leave it up to me, comes the reply. After much ado they finally net her, stake her out on the ground, and to calm her down by placing a bag over her head.

“Right, says the first hunter. Get your knife ready and if I get into trouble you will have to take her out, ok?"

"Sure will” comes the reply.

The first guy jumps on and after a minute or so she goes berserk, pulls the stakes out of ground and grabs him in a huge hug, "Quick the knife, the knife!!" He yells

"Where do I stab her?" yells the other guy!

"Stab her, no don’t stab her, cut the bag off her head I want to kiss her." he replies

The Moral of the Story 5

A horse and chicken were friends. One day they were strolling in the farm near a pond. Suddenly the horse slipped and fell in the pond. The chicken, worried about his friend, started shouting. The farmer heard the chicken shouting. He brought his BMW and a rope. He tied one end of the rope to his BMW and the other end to the horse's neck and pulled it out. The horse and chicken were both thankful to the farmer. A few days later, while the two friends (horse and chicken) were again strolling near that pond, the chicken slipped and fell into the pond. It started shouting but the farmer was not nearby that day.

Suddenly, the horse came near the edge of the pond, lowered its dick into the pond. The chicken held it and the horse pulled the chicken out.

THE MORAL OF THE STORY IS: "If you have a big dick, you do not need a BMW to pick up chicks"

Indifferent

One day, during English class, Miss Jones asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.

No one knows. Finally, Little Johnny puts up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Johnny?"

"Miss Jones , it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Johnny, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'. Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different.'"

Your Ears

A young man moved out from home and into a new apartment, all of his own, he went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with him, as they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact.

After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let’s go to my apartment....I hear somebody coming."

He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?'

Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears."

Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?' Look at these breasts. They are a full 38 inches and 100% natural. I work out every day and my buns are firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?"

Clearing his throat, he stammered. "'Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...That was me."

Definitions

Guts - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom,
and having the guts to ask:  "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Balls - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, with lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say: "You're next."