A man is driving down a deserted highway, and notices a sign that reads: SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES.
He thinks it was a figment of his imagination and drives on. Soon, he sees another sign which says... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES.
Realizing these signs are for real, he drives on, and sure enough, there is a third... SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT.
His curiosity gets the best of him, and he pulls into the driveway. On the far side of the parking lot, is a somber stone building with a sign on the door that reads... SISTERS OF MERCY. He climbs the steps, rings the bell, and a nun answers the door in a long black habit, who asks "What may we do for you, my son?"
"I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business," he answers.
"Very well, my son. Please follow me," says the nun.
He is led through many winding passages, and soon he is very disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door and tells the man,
"Please, knock on this door" and leaves.
The man does as he is told, and this door is opened by another nun in a long black habit, holding a tin cup. This nun instructs "Please place $50.00 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He places the money in this nuns tin cup. He trots eagerly down the hallway, and slips through the door, pulling it shut. As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign: "Go In Peace. You have just been screwed by the Sisters Of Mercy."
Wednesday, July 31, 2013
Tuesday, July 30, 2013
Six-Foot
Bob, a lawyer, was driving home over the Golden Gate Bridge after spending a great day on the ocean fishing. His catch, cleaned and filleted, was wrapped in newspaper on the passenger-side floor. He was late getting home and was speeding... Wouldn't you know that a cop jumped out, radar gun in hand, and motioned him to the side of the bridge. Bob pulled over like a good citizen.
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
The cop walked up to the window and said, "You know how fast you were going, boy?"
Bob thought for a second and said, "Uh, 60?"
"67 miles per hour, son! 67 miles per hour in a 55 zone!" said the cop.
"But if you already knew, officer," replied Bob, "why did you ask me?"
Fuming over Bob's answer, the officer growled and said in his sarcastic fashion, "That's speeding, and you're getting a ticket and a fine!"
The cop took a good close look at Bob in his stained fishing attire and said, "You don't even look like you have a job! Why, I've never seen anyone so scruffy in my entire life!"
Bob answered, "I've got a job! I have a good, well-paying job!"
The cop leaned in the window, smelling Bob's fish, and said, "What kind of job would a bum like you have?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher!" replied Bob.
"What did you say, boy?" asked the patrolman.
"I'm a rectum stretcher!"
The cop, scratching his head, asked, "What does a rectum stretcher do?"
Bob explained, "People call me up and say they need to be stretched, so I go over to their house. I start with a couple of fingers, then a couple more, then one whole hand, and then two. Then I slowly pull them farther and farther apart until it's a full six feet across."
The cop, absorbed with these bizarre images in his mind, asked, "What the hell do you do with a six-foot asshole?"
Bob said, "You give him a radar gun and place him by a bridge!"
Monday, July 29, 2013
Shipwrecked
After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she's come from.
"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I've been stranded on the other side of the island."
"Where did you get the rowboat?"
"I made it out of gum trees and palm branches," she replies.
"But you had no tools!" he says.
"I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can't believe his eyes.
They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you've been desiring while you've been alone? You
know..."
"Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my E-mail from here!?!"
"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I've been stranded on the other side of the island."
"Where did you get the rowboat?"
"I made it out of gum trees and palm branches," she replies.
"But you had no tools!" he says.
"I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines. The man can't believe his eyes.
They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you've been desiring while you've been alone? You
know..."
"Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my E-mail from here!?!"
Sunday, July 28, 2013
Test of Wills
The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists: two men and one woman. For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
"We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside this room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. You have to kill her."
The first man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."
The agent replies, "Then you're not the right man for this job."
The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the agent came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried, but I can't kill my wife."
The agent replies, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home."
Finally, it was the woman's turn. Only she was told to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one shot after another. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman.
She wiped the sweat from her brow and said, "You guys didn't tell me the gun was loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair."
Saturday, July 27, 2013
Pet Parrot
A woman was thinking about finding a pet to help keep her company at home. She decided she would like to find a beautiful parrot; it wouldn't be as much work as say a dog, and it would be fun to hear it speak.
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's not so bad.'
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
She went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. She went to the owner of the store and asked how much. The owner said it was $50. Delighted that such a rare looking and beautiful bird wasn't more expensive, she agreed to buy it.
The owner looked at her and said, "Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a whorehouse. Sometimes it says pretty vulgar stuff."
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird. She said she would buy it anyway. The pet shop owner sold her the bird and she took it home. She hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, "New house, new madam."
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's not so bad.'
A couple hours later, the woman's two teenage daughters returned from school. When they inspected the bird, it looked at them and said, "New house, new madam, new whores."
The girls and the woman were a bit offended at first, but then began to laugh about the situation. A couple of hours later, the woman's husband came home from work. The bird looked at him and said, "New house, new madam, new whores. Hi George!"
Friday, July 26, 2013
Bisexual Son
Four men go out to play golf. One is detained in the clubhouse and the remaining three are discussing their children while walking to the first tee.
"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's says "My son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift."
As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
"My son," says one, "Has made quite a name for himself in the home-building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful that in his last year he was able to give a good friend a brand new home as a gift."
The second man, not to be outdone, tells how his daughter began her career as a car salesperson, but now owns a multi-line dealership. "She's so successful, in fact, in the last six months she gave a friend two brand new cars as a gift."
The third man's says "My son has worked his way up through a stock brokerage firm, and in the last few weeks, has given a good friend a large stock portfolio as a gift."
As the fourth man arrives, they tell him that they have been discussing their children and ask him about his son. "To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased with how my son has turned out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been in and out of work and I've just recently discovered he's a bisexual. But, on the bright side, he must be good at what he does because his last three lovers have given him a brand new house, two cars, and a big pile of stock certificates."
Thursday, July 25, 2013
The Devil and The Golfer
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless but also that perhaps this is a good omen and will put him in the right frame of mind to make the difficult putt and says, "OK." And sinks the putt.
Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole."
The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." And he makes an eagle.
Down to the final hole. The golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?"
The golfer says, "Certainly." And makes the eagle.
As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says,"You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil and from now on you will have no sex life."
"Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's Father O'Malley."
Wednesday, July 24, 2013
10 inch BIC
Two Men were out fishing when one decides to have a smoke. He asks the other guy if he has a lighter
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head and the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
He replies " Yes i do " and hands the other a 10 inch long BIC lighter. Surprised the guy asks "Where did you get this?"
The guy replies " Oh I have a personal genie"
The first man asks "Can i make a wish? "
Sure says the other man "Just make sure that you speak clearly cause he is a little hard at hearing"
"Ok I will" says the other as he rubs the lamp a genie appears and asks the man what he wants
The man says " I want a Million Bucks "
The genie says OK and goes back to his bottle and 10 seconds later a million ducks fly over head and the guy says to the other " Your genie really sucks at hearing doesn't He?"
The other man replies "I know, do you really think I asked for a 10 inch BIC"
Tuesday, July 23, 2013
The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly
Good: You're pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: Your husband had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your husband is not talking to you.
Bad: He wants a divorce.
Ugly: He's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several pornographic movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give "the birds and the bees" talk to your 14-year-old daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your co-workers are her best clients.
Way Ugly: She makes more money than you do!
Mistress
A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine restaurant when an absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, tells him she'll see him later, and walks away. His wife glares at him and says, "Who was that??!!"
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
"That's it!" says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok." replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
"Oh" replies the husband, "that was my mistress."
"That's it!" says the wife, "I want a divorce."
"Ok." replies her husband, "but remember, if you get a divorce there will be no more shopping trips to Paris, no wintering in the Caribbean, no Lexus in the garage, and no more country club. But, the decision is yours."
Just then the wife notices a mutual friend entering the restaurant
with a gorgeous woman. "Who is that woman with Jim?" she asks.
"That's his mistress," replies her husband.
"Ours is much better looking." says the wife.
Saturday, July 20, 2013
The Sound of Pigs
A primary school teacher in the Bronx decided to see if city kids knew what sounds farm animals made. She asked the kids to raise their hands if they knew the correct sounds.
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said,
"Mooooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
"Who knows what sound a cow makes?" she asked. Mary put her hand up and said,
"Mooooo!" "Very good," replied the teacher. "What sound does a sheep make?" "Baaaa," answered Billy.
She continued this for a while. Then she asked, "What sound does a pig make?" All the hands in the class went up. She was surprised at the response. She chose little Tyrone at the back of the class.
He stood up, took a deep breath, and screamed, "Up against the wall, mutha-fucka!"
Friday, July 19, 2013
The Wrestling Event
Our story begins at the Olympics, specifically the wrestling event. It is narrowed down to the Russian or the American for the gold medal. Before the final match, the American wrestler's trainer came to him and said, "Now don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this "pretzel" hold he has. Whatever you do, don't let him get you in this hold! If he does, you're finished!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
The wrestler nodded in agreement. Now, to the match: The American and the Russian circled each other several times looking for an opening. All of a sudden the Russian lunged forward, grabbing the American and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold! A sigh of disappointment went up from the crowd, and the trainer buried his face in his hands for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the ending.
Suddenly there was a horrible scream, and a resounding cheer from the crowd. The trainer raised his eye just in time to see the Russian flying up in the air. The Russian's back hit the mat with a thud, and the American weakly collapsed on top of him, getting the pin and winning the match.
The trainer was astounded! When he finally got the American wrestler alone, he asks, "How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!"
The wrestler answered, "Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold, but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of balls right in front of my face. I thought I had nothing to lose, so with my last ounce of strength I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls!"
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Two Blonde Men
Two Blonde men were in the woods hunting. One looked at the other and said, "I've got to take a shit."
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea. I'll use that!" He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
The other said, "Well go behind one of those big trees, and shit."
The first one said, "But I don't have any paper to wipe my ass."
The other blonde replied, "You have a dollar, don't you?"
The first one said, "Yeah, I've got a dollar. That's a great idea. I'll use that!" He left and came back with shit all over his hands and clothes.
His friend looked at him and asked, "What in the hell happened to you?"
The first one replied, "Have you ever tried to wipe your ass with 3 quarters, 2 dimes, and a nickel?"
Monday, July 15, 2013
Three Kinds of Bras
A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's, one of the largest department store chains. He shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said. "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around." said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man "There is more than one type?"
"Look Around." said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size color and material. "Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only three types of bras," replied the salesclerk.
Confused, the man asked what were the types.
The saleslady replied "The Catholic type, the, Salvation Army type, and the Baptist type. Which one do you need?"
Still confused the man asked "What is the difference between them?"
The lady responded "It is all really quite simple. The Catholic type supports the masses, the Salvation Army type lifts up the fallen, and the and the Baptist type makes mountains out of mole hills."
Sunday, July 14, 2013
Will You Watch
An elderly couple went to the doctor's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"
The man said, "Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?"
The doctor looked puzzled but agreed. When the couple had finished, the doctor said, "There is nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse." And he charged them $20.
This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have intercourse, pay the doctor, and leave. Finally the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"
The old man said, "We're not trying to find out anything. She is married and we can't go to her house. I am married and we can't go to my house. Holiday Inn charges $32. The Hilton charges $37. We do it here for $20 and I get $18 back from Medicare for a visit to the doctor's office."
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Twick or Tweat!
One Halloween this woman opens her door to find the most adorable little girl, with golden blond curly hair and the biggest blue eyes. She was dressed as an Angel, and was just delightful.
The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
The woman said, "what are you supposed to say sweetheart?"
The little girl looks up at the woman and says "Twick or Tweat!"
The woman thinks this is just adorable, and she calls her husband to come to the door. The woman say to the child, "Go ahead honey say it just one more time."
Once again the little Angel looks up and says, "Twick or Tweat!"
The husband agrees with his wife, this little Angel is just the cutest thing. The woman picks an apple from the Treat Bowl, shines it up with her apron, and drops it into the little girl's Treat Bag.
The little Angel looks in her bag then looks up at the woman and says, "Thanks a lot lady, you just broke my fucking cookies!"
Friday, July 12, 2013
Walking Along the Beach in France
A redneck is walking along the beach in France. There are many beautiful women lying in the sun, and he really wants to meet one. But try as he might, the women don't seem to be at all interested. Finally, as a last resort, he walks up to a French guy lying on the
beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't
been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
beach who is surrounded by adoring women.
"Excuse me," he says, taking the guy aside, "but I've been trying to meet one of those women for about an hour now, and I just can't seem to get anywhere with them. You're French. You know these women. What do they want?"
"Maybe I can help a leetle beet," says the Frenchman. "What you do ees you go to zee store. You buy a leetle bikini sweeming suit. You walk up and down zee beach. You meet girl very qweekly zees way."
"Wow! Thanks!" says the redneck, and off he goes to the store. He buys a skimpy red bathing suit, puts it on, and goes back to the beach. He parades up and down the beach but still has no luck with the ladies. So he goes back to the Frenchman. "I'm sorry to bother you again," he says, "but I went to the store, I got a swimsuit, and I still haven't
been able to meet a girl."
"Okay," says the Frenchman, "I tell you what you do. You go to zee store. You buy potato. You put potato in sweeming suit and walk up and down zee beach. You will meet girl very, very qweekly zees way."
"Thanks!" says the guy, and runs off to the store. He buys the potato, puts it in the swimsuit, and marches up and down the beach. Up and down, up and down he walks, but the women will hardly even look at him. After half an hour he can't take it anymore and goes back to the Frenchman.
"Look," he says, "I got the suit, I put the potato in it, and I walked up and down the beach and still nothing! What more can I do?"
"Well," says the Frenchman, "maybe I can help you a leetle beet. Why don't you try moving zee potato to the FRONT of zee sweeming suit?"
Wednesday, July 10, 2013
Two cannibals
Two cannibals, a father and son, were elected by the tribe to go out and get something to eat. They walked deep into the jungle and waited by a path.
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Before long, along came this little old man. The son said, "Oh dad, there's one."
"No," said the father. "There's not enough meat on that one to even feed the dogs. We'll just wait."
Well, a little while later, along came this really fat man. The son said, "Hey dad, he's plenty big enough."
"No," the father said. "We'd all die of a heart attack from the fat in that one. We'll just wait."
About an hour later, here comes this absolutely gorgeous woman. The son said, "Now there's nothing wrong with that one dad. Let's eat her."
"No," said the father. "We'll not eat her either."
"Why not?" asked the son.
"Because, we're going to take her back alive and eat your mother."
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Word fun
Little Johnny's teacher had a new game for the children. She would pick a word and have the children make a sentence out of it. She had to be careful because she knew that Lil' Johnny would try and turn this into something dirty, as he had done so many times before.
She chose the word "fascinate." Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first.
Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."
After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again.
This time the word was "urinate." The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.
Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."
She chose the word "fascinate." Knowing that Johnny could not possibly mess this one up, she called on him first.
Johnny said, "My sister went to the mall and bought a blouse. It had 10 buttons up the front, but her boobs were so big she could only fasten eight."
After all the kids had answered one, it was Johnny's turn again.
This time the word was "urinate." The teacher was sure this one would stump Johnny.
Johnny said, "You're-an-eight, but if you had bigger boobs you'd be a ten."
Saturday, July 6, 2013
You Must Be in the Fifth
A group of third, fourth and fifth graders accompanied by two female teachers went on a field trip to the local racetrack to learn about thoroughbred horses and the supporting industry. During the tour some of the children wanted to go to the toilet so it was decided that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
As the teacher assigned to the boys waited outside the men's toilet, one of the boys came out and told her that he couldn't reach the urinal. Having no choice, the teacher went inside and began hoisting the little boys up by their armpits, one by one.
As she lifted one up by the armpits, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually well endowed for an elementary school child. "I guess you must be in the fifth," she said.
"No ma'am," he replied, "I'm in the seventh, riding Silver Arrow. Thanks for the lift anyhow."
Friday, July 5, 2013
Pharmacist Bad Day
Upon arriving home in eager anticipation of a leisurely evening, the husband was met at the door by his sobbing wife. Tearfully she explained, "It's the Pharmacist, he insulted me terribly this morning on the phone."
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the Pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Immediately the husband drove downtown to accost the Pharmacist and demand an apology. Before he could say more than a word or two, the Pharmacist told him, "Now, just a minute - listen to my side of it. This morning the alarm failed to go off, so I was late getting up. I went without breakfast and hurried out to the car, but I'll be damned if I didn't lock the house with both house and car keys inside. I had to break a window to get my keys. Driving a little too fast, I got a speeding ticket. Then, about three blocks from the store I had a flat tire.
When I finally got to the store there was a bunch of people waiting for me to open up. I got the store opened and started waiting on these people, and all the time the darn phone was ringing its head off. Then I had to break a roll of nickels against the cash register drawer to make change, and they spilled all over the floor. I got down on my hands and knees to pick up the nickels - the phone is still ringing - when I came up I cracked my head on the open cash drawer, which made me stagger back against a showcase with a bunch of perfume bottles on it, and half of them hit the floor and broke. The phone is still ringing with no let up, and I finally got back to answer it. It was your wife -- she wanted to know how to use a rectal thermometer.
Well, Mister, I TOLD HER!"
Tuesday, July 2, 2013
What's that Mean
My girlfriend came out of the shower and said, "I shaved my pussy you know what that means?"
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
I said, "Yeah the fucking drain is clogged again."
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