Butcher Shop

An old woman walked into her local butchers. While she waits she asked the butcher "Where is Billy your apprentice?'"

"I fired him." replied the butcher.

"Why did you do that?"

"I found him with his penis in the meat mincer."

Shocked the old lady replied "And what did you do with the meat mincer?"

"I fired her too." said the butcher.

Man meets woman in a bar

Man meets woman in a bar, takes her home strips her off and is very impressed! Removes his own clothes causing the woman to redress herself. 

"Whats wrong? “He says. 

“You told me you had at least a foot!” she cries 

“No, No” he laughs, “I said had athletes foot!"

Joe Has That I Don't

A bunch of guys were sitting around the break room talking about sex and women of course and in comes Joe Schmo. One guy says to the other guys, "Man I just don’t understand it. That guy Joe is just an average ordinary looking guy who doesn’t have a lot of money and he gets all the women he wants with the snap of his fingers."

"What the hell does he got that I haven't got?”

And this other guy who is an old timer and has been around awhile looks at the guy and says, "Son let me ask you a question. When you go to the bathroom and you get done whizzing, do you shake your penis with your hand to get off the excess urine?"

And the other guy is kind of puzzled but he says "Well yeah. Of course I do."

"But what does that have to do with Joe getting all the women?"

The old timer looks him in the eye and says "Well son, Ol' Joe over there when he gets done taking a piss, he doesn't shake it, He Kicks It!"

Escalades

Three boys were sitting on the sidewalk eating ice cream. They were admiring three Escalades parked on the street.

The first boy says "When I grow up I am going to be a doctor so I can buy a black Escalade."

The second boy says "When I grow up I am going to be a lawyer so I can buy a gold Escalade."

The third boy says "When I grow up I want to be covered from head to toe with hair!"

The other two look at him and ask why.

The third boy says, "Because my sister has a small patch of hair and owns all three of those Escalades."

First X-Rated Movie

A guy and his girlfriend went to see an X-rated movie; about half way through the movie.

She nudged him and said "The guy next to her was jacking off real fast and hard."

Her boyfriend told her to just ignore him.

She said, “I can’t…. He is using my hand.”

First Time

A man and his girlfriend are making love in his car for the first time.
 
Afterwards the man said, " If I knew you were a virgin, I would have been more tender." 

The girl said coolly "Oh, if you were not so extremely anxious, I would’ve had time to take off my silk stockings."

Couple Swapping

Two couples are on a double date when they start talking about partner swapping. They decide it would be cool to try it out. The two couples then go to a local motel. They rent two rooms for the night, and the newly shuffled couples go to their respective rooms.

One couple, in their room, go wild with each other. They make love for hours. When finished, one of the two rolls over on her side, props herself on one elbow, lights up a cigarette, looks at her partner, and says:

"I wonder how the guys are doing?"

Sex Life

An old married couple went to the doctor. The man saw the doc first and after the exam, the doc asked him if he had any concerns. The old man replied, "yes. Sometimes when I have sex with my wife, I get really hot and sweaty, and other times I am cold and shivering." well the doctor was puzzled and said, "well sir, I don’t know what to tell you. You are perfectly healthy"

So the old man left and it was the wife’s turn, again the doctor reassured her she was fine and asked if she had any concerns. She said "no."

In spite of the answer the doctor asked, “Is your sex life doing alright?"

she said, "Yes everything is wonderful."

The doc, even more puzzled, said, "Well I was asking because when your husband was in here he said sometimes when the two of you have sex he gets really hot and other times he gets really cold."

The old lady started laughing and said, “That old coot!!!!! We have sex twice a year. The first time is in July and the second time is in December!!!!!"

Fairy

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu. A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.

“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done.

“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.”

Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man. He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

Fishing

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish. Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish." 

Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning if my husbands thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right I fish off the right side of the boat." 

Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?” 

Lisa says, "Then you don't go fishing!"

Liverwurst

The butcher lived in an apartment over his shop. One night he was awakened by strange noises, coming from the shop. He tiptoed downstairs and observed that his 21-year-old daughter was sitting on the chopping block and was masturbating with a liverwurst. He sighed and tiptoed back to bed. 

The next morning, one of his customers came in and asked for some liverwurst. The butcher explained that he did not have any. 

The woman was annoyed. She pointed and said, “No liverwurst, eh? Well, what’s that hanging on the hook right over there?” 

The embarrassed butcher frowned at her and replied, “That, lady, is my son-in-law.”

Some Protection

Pharmacist: May I help you sir?
 
Client: Yes… I, uh..well, this is sort of embarrassing, but I’m going out on a date tonight, and you know, I need some…
 
Pharmacist: You need some protection. 

Client: Right.
 
Pharmacist: Small, Medium, or large?
 
Client: Uhhh. Medium, I guess.
 
Pharmacist: Okay, that’ll be $2.35 including tax.
 
Client: Tacks!! I thought they stayed on by themselves!

Drink Order

A Mormon was seated next to an Irishman on a flight from London. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The Irishman asked for a whiskey, which was promptly brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the Mormon if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips."

The Irishman then handed his drink back to the attendant and said, "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice."

Special Price

John goes to a grocery store. He finds cat food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of cat food and goes to check out. The Manager gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy cannot have a cat and will probably feed cat food to his kids. He asks John to show him his cat before he could let him have cat food. John goes home and returns with a cat and gets to buy the cat food.

Next week John finds dog food at special prices. He picks a dozen cans of dog food and goes to check out. The Manager again gets suspicious. He thinks that this guy has a cat but he cannot have a dog and he will probably feed dog-food to his kids. He asks John to bring and show him the dog before he can let him have dog food. John goes home and returns with a dog. He gets to buy the dog food.

The following week John comes to the grocery store with a bag. He asks the manager to put his hand in the bag. The Manager puts his hand in the bag and immediately takes it out. He shouts at John "'what! This is shit!"

John calmly replies: "Yes, and I want toilet paper"

Halloween Costume

Two kids decided to dress up as a cow for Halloween, after hours of arguing who was going to be the head and the rear, they decided to flip a coin and the argument was settled. While crossing a farmer’s field in their costume the boy that was in the rear says, "What's that snort your making?"

The boy in the front said; "I'm not snorting," and swings his big cow head around and spots this huge bulls racing towards them. He says "Don’t panic! But we got a problem behind us coming up fast. It’s a big bull."

After a second or two the kid in the rear says, "What are we going to do?"

The kid in the front replies, "I don't know about you, but I'm going to bend over and eat some grass."

Not Again

At a construction site one day at lunchtime, three men were all sitting down to eat their lunches. The first man opens up his lunch pail to find a PB&J sandwich "PB&J AGAIN! I swear, if I have to eat this one more time I'm going to jump off this DAMN building!" 

The second guy opens up his lunch box to find a tuna sandwich " TUNA AGAIN! If I have to eat another one of these stinking things again I’m going to jump off with you!" 

The third guy looks inside his box and sees a bologna sandwich and screams "HELL, bologna again, well, if I get this again, I'll jump off this building with ya!
 
Well, the next day all three guys find the same types of sandwiches in their containers so they all leave notes as to why they jumped and then jump off. At the funerals the new widows are all sitting together. 

The first man's wife cries, "if only he had told me, I would have fixed something else." 

The second mans wife says "It wouldn't have been a problem...I thought he liked tuna." But the third guys wife sat their dumbfounded and said " Well I just...just...don't understand! He made his own lunch!"

Soda Pop

There are two women sitting around talking about their lovers. One woman says to the other, "I have three lovers and I have names them all after soda pop. The first one I named 7-up because he is seven inches long and always up. The second one I named Mountain Dew because when he mounts me he knows what to do. The third one I named Jack Daniels."

The second woman is confused and she says to the first woman, "Jack Daniels? That's not a soda, it's a hard liquor."

The first woman says, “EXACTLY."

Pretty Panties

George went to get his shoes polished and after he got through he went into this bar and met Shannon and said "OOO Shannon them sure are some pretty blue panties you have on."

She said, "George how do you know that I have blue panties on?"

He said, " My shiny shoes told me!"

Then he saw Jen so he went up to her and said, " OOOO Jen, them sure are some pretty pink panties you have on."

She said "George how do you know that I have on pink panties?"

He said "My shiny shoes told me."

Then he went up to Sandra, and said "OOO Sandra, them sure are some pretty black panties you have on."

She said, "George I’m not wearing any panties."

He said "Oh I was wondering why those panties had a crack in them!"

Hot Dogs

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in the USA by boat and one says to the other, "I hear that the occupants of this country actually eat dogs."

"Odd," her companion replies, "but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do."

Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward him. "Two dogs, please," says one.

The vendor is only too pleased to oblige and he wraps both hot dogs in foil. Excited, the nuns hurry over to a bench and begin to unwrap their 'dogs.' The mother superior is first to open hers. Staring at it for a moment, she leans over to the other nun and whispers cautiously, "What part did you get?"

More Quickies

My husband came home with a tube of KY jelly and said, "This will make you happy tonight."
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn't get back in.
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A couple is lying in bed. The man says, "I am going to make you the happiest woman in the world"
The woman says, "I'll miss you."
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"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "Honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"Probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
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On wall in ladies room "My husband follows me everywhere..."
Written just below it "I do not"

Quickie

A man goes into a restaurant. A beautiful waitress comes over to serve him and asks What he would like?

He says, “I want a quickie.”

She slaps him and says, “Just give me your order, mister!”

The man says, “I want a quickie!” She slaps him again.

“Last chance, What do you want?”

The man insists, “Look, I really, really want a quickie!”

Another customer leans over and says, “I believe that’s pronounced quiche.”

Smelt It

A very tall man was sitting next to a big woman in a mini bus that was traveling on a long and lonely highway for hours. It was beginning to rain; so all the windows were closed. The man needed to fart, but was scared that the woman would smell. Very gingerly he lifted his tail and farted silently, he smelt it and wanted to form a conversation with the woman just in case she smelt it. 

He looked out the window and said to her " You see that black cloud in the sky? That has rain behind it."
 
She then said," You smell that fart? That has shit behind it."

Keep Climbing to Success

A man was walking through a park one day when he stumbles across a ladder leading up into the clouds. Curious, he climbs the ladder and finds himself on a cloud with a fat woman.
 
"Screw me or keep climbing the ladder to success" she said.
 
Not really interested in the fat woman the man kept on climbing till he reached the second cloud. On this cloud was an average looking woman.
 
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success"
 
Interested, the man decided to climb even higher to a cloud where he found a sexy lady lying on a cloud.
 
"Screw me or climb the ladder to success" she said.
 
Wondering how much better this could get the man climbed even higher until he reached the next cloud to find, to his surprise, a large fat man.
 
"'ello, 'ello, I'm Cess"

Shoot Them

A man is showing off his brand new rifle to his best friend. He is so proud of the fact that this rifle is the latest model equipped with high power sight. “Just look through that sight,” he tells his buddy. “Here, scan those roof tops.” His buddy looks through the sight, and suddenly he lowers the rifle.

“Oh, no!” he says.

“What?” asks his friend.

Swallowing hard, his buddy says, "I just saw my wife making love to a guy on that roof over there.”

Enraged he hands the rifle back to his friend and says, “I want you to shoot them for me.”

“I can’t do that,” says his friend.

“Look,” says his buddy, “I don’t know anything about guns. You are my best friend, you’ve got to do this for me,” pleads his buddy. After making the difficult decision, his friend begins to aim.

His buddy says, “This is what I want you to do. I want you to kill them both! Shoot him in the balls, and her in the face!”

“Holly cow!” says his friend, peering through the sight and taking aim. “I think I can get this in one shot!”

What is That?

A priest and a nun were traveling through a desert on a camel. After hours of traveling the camel dies. The priest and the nun make camp, and after days they realize that they are going to die. So the priest tells the nun, “Sister I have never seen a woman naked and I was wondering if I could see you naked." 

The nun says yes and takes off her clothes. Then the nun tells the priest, “Father I have never seen a man naked and I was wondering if I could see you naked." 

The priest says yes and takes off his clothes. Then the nun sees the priest's penis and says, “what is that?” and the priest says, “It’s my holy spirit, if I stick it in you it gives life” and the nun says, “Don’t stick it in me, stick it in the camel".

Do Something

A big game hunter goes on safari with his wife and his mother-in-law. One morning, the wife wakes up to find her mother gone. Immediately, she awakens up her husband and they both set off to find the old woman.

Suddenly, they break into a clearing and there's the mother-in-law, standing face-to-face with a ferocious lion!

"Quick, darling," the wife shouts frantically, "Do something!"

"Oh, no," the husband says, "That lion got himself into this mess. Let him get himself out!"