Timbuktu

One day there were two college students in a poetry contest. One was a respected English major from Harvard and the other was from the boonies in the south. They were the final contestants when the judges said, "Okay, now you have to say a poem and end it in Timbuktu."

So the English Major steps up and says, "Camels move across the sand, on like a caravan, on to Timbuktu." The judges clap and tales their scores.

Next the student from the boonies steps up and says, "A hunting' me and Tim went, we found some whore's in a pop up tent, them was three and we was two, I buck one and TIM BUCK TWO."

Lil Billy

One day, during English class, Miss Smith asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.

No one knows. Finally, Little Billy puts up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Billy?"

"Miss Smith, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Billy, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'."

Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different."

Strip Joint

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the First guy and perform her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek, it, stuck.

Then she proceeded to the Second guy did her same dance and the Second guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek, it stuck.

She then went to the Third guy and performs her dance. The Third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash so he took his visa card and swipe.

Catches Most Fish

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish. Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish."

Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning if my husbands thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."

Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?”

Lisa says, "Then you don't go fishing!"

Hiking up a Mountain

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

"Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?"

"My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well."

After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?"

The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

Good Girl and a Nice Girl:

What's the difference between a good girl and a nice girl:

A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.

A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

Drive Your Wife Wild

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtain. Drives her fucking nuts!"

$500

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and merged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

With a satisfied look on his face, Bill surprised his wife by saying "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

The Lottery

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

Almost Every Night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.

"The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

Buys me Flowers

Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers and tells her friend "Shit I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers he always expects something from me.”

Her friend says "What’s wrong with that I think its sweet."

The girl says "I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days.”

Her friend replies "Why don't you just buy a vase..."

Blow-Jobs

Three men are walking down the street, the first guy sees a sign that says 'Blow-Jobs: $25' he goes in comes out (looking very happy) and the other two guys are like “What happened?"

The guy replies “Well first she pulled down my pants, put chocolate ice cream on it and then she sucked it off."

They keep walking down the street and the second guy sees a second sign ‘blow-jobs: $50' he goes in comes out (looking very happy) and he tells the other two what happened.

“First she pulled off my pants, put vanilla ice cream on it and whip cream then she sucked it off.”

They are walking down the road again and the third guy sees a third sign that says 'blow-jobs: $75' he goes in comes out and he looks very sad.

The other two asked, "What happened?"

He replied "Well first she put strawberry ice cream on it then whip cream and a cherry."

The guys say "so....."

He said, "Well it looked so good I ate it"

I'll Sue

A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut "Where do you get all the money from?"

"That's easy" replied the rich slut, "Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy."

"Thanks." says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can't find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up.

The two went back to the guy's home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled "OW, my back! I'll sue you for this!"

The man replied "Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!"

Not all blondes are dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

It's Dark in Here

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark...in here''

The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy "I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

Frigging Ice Cream Truck

A middle-aged lady was in Europe when she learned that her 100-year-old grand father had died. She was unable to get an immediate flight so; the funeral was over when she reached home. She immediately went to console her 98-year-old grandmother.

She asked, “What happened granny?"

Granny said, "It was Sunday morning and we were having sex as we did every Sunday when the church bells started to ring. Poppa was great at keeping rhythm with the slow toll of the church bells, you know, ding in and dong out. I think he might have avoided that fatal heart attach if that frigging ice cream truck hadn't passed. His heart just couldn't stand the pace."

Let’s Play a Game

A man has a small dick and is embarrassed to tell his girlfriend so he says to her "Let’s play a game"

"You take off your clothes shut your eyes and let me feel a body part and guess which part it is "

she said "OK." So they went in to the bedroom She took her top off and let her boyfriend feel her breast.

He guessed the right part and said; "All right my turn" close your eyes. He takes his pants off and puts his dick in her hand. she

Jerking her hand away "man, you know I don't smoke"

Chastity Belt

Before going to war, in the kingdom of Camelot the King had his Queen wear a chastity belt in order to keep her faithful. Upon his return, he asked all his men to drop their pants.

To his surprise all but one had their penis cut off showing their betrayal. To the intact one he said: “for your loyalty I will cover you with gold.”

“Thanklou thir,” the man replied.

Bell System

This fireman comes home from work and tells his wife about the bell system they have at the station and proceeds to explain; bell one we slide down the poll. Bell two we get dressed for the fire. Bell three we get on the truck and go. Lets try a system like that when I come home and say bell one you strip and when I say bell two we go to the bedroom and when I say bell three we can be wild the rest of the night. His wife agrees to try.

So the next night the husband comes home and yells bell one the wife strips then he yells bell two and they go back to the bedroom, he then yells bell three and they start having sex.

Well a few minutes pass and the wife yells bell four. The husband asks "What’s bell four?" and the wife says “Not enough hose to reach the fire.”

How was your day

One-day tits, ass, and pussy were all having a nice day. Tits asked ass how was her day, she replied, “boring as ever. I did nothing but shit all day.”

Then ass asked tits how was their day, they replied, "oh nothing, just a little wet from here and there and always being held”.

Pussy was so quiet, so tits and ass asked pussy how was her day, and she replied, “It was terrible, some big guy busted through the door, pinned me on the wall, and spit in my face.”

Thank You Notes

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.


“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light if you want to write thank you notes.”

State-of-the-art

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Movie Theater

Two perverts are watching a film in a movie theater.

When Julia Roberts appears on the screen, one pervert says to the other, “You know, I’ve had her three times.”

A Half hour goes by and Demi Moore is on the screen. “You know, I’ve had her four times,” the first pervert says to the second pervert.

Soon, Sharon Stone appears on the screen. The second pervert turns and says to his pal, “I guess you had her too, huh?
“Be quiet, I’m having her now.”

Love Suit

A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law's house, to give her some fruit. When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked! "Oh my gosh! Why aren't you wearing anything?" exclaimed the mother-in-law.

Very surprised, and shocked. "I'm wearing my love suit," replied the daughter-in-law.

"You are crazy!" yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left.

A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn't such a bad idea so, she decided to try it. In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, "My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!"

She replied, "I'm wearing my love suit!" and he said, "Hmmm, it needs ironing!"

Who like Sex More?

A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more.

The man says, “ Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

Menu Says!

A waitress walking to a table in a restaurant sees 4 foreign businessmen, furiously jerking off. She takes their orders and before walking back she asks the businessmen "Gentlemen, may I ask you, why are you so frantically jerking off? "


The businessmen reply "Menu says, first come first served”

Breakfast Naked

An elderly couple was celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary. They came to the breakfast table naked, just like they had done on the morning that they were first married.

Grandma told her hubby "You know, this makes me feel all warm and tingly."

Grandpa replied "No wonder! You have one tit in your oatmeal, and the other in your tea!"

Buy Some Condoms

There are 3 guys, we'll call them Ethan, Webster, and Chris. Ethan walks up to the counter and says, "Yeah, I'd like to buy some condoms."

"What size?" the pharmacist asks.

"Well, LARGE I presume."

The pharmacist says, "Well, go see Sophie in aisle four."

Ethan goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a handful and says "Oh! That'll be a medium!"

Ethan, a bit disgusted, goes to the counter and says, "Ya ya ya, whatever. Give me a medium." And he walks out. In comes Webster.

Webster goes to the counter and says, "I need some condoms."

"And what size?" the pharmacist asks.

"I'll take LARGE!"

The pharmacist says, "Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back."

Webster goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a GREAT BIG handful and says "HO! That'll be a Large!" Proud and happy, chest puffed out, Webster goes to the counter, gets his condoms and walks out. In comes Chris.

He approaches the counter rather nervously. Scratching his head he asks, "Yeah, um, I uh, I need some condoms."


"CONDOMS?!" The pharmacist says sarcastically "Well, what size?!"

Confused, Chris says "Gee, I uh, I don't know. I've never done this before."

The pharmacist tells him, "Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back."

So ol' Chris goes to Sophie in aisle four, Sophie reaches down, grabs a handful and says "CLEANUP, AISLE FOUR!"

Middle of the Night

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen. On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there.

The oldest boy looked into the keyhole. He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

The younger brother looked in after wards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!”

Pretty Woman

This guy walking on the street ran into this pretty woman and said. “I bet I can drop $500 on the ground and fuck you before you can pick it up.”

The woman calls her friend to tell her about it. The friend says; set him up when he drops the money just pick it up and run. So the woman tells the guy, “The bet is on.”

A few minutes go by and the girls friend calls her back to find out how did it go.

The woman says, “The asshole didn't tell me he had $500 in quarters.”

Strip Joint

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the First guy and perform her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek, it, stuck.

Then she proceeded to the Second guy did her same dance and the Second guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek, it stuck.

She then went to the Third guy and performs her dance. The Third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash so he took his debt card and swiped it between her cheeks and took the $200.00.

Test Back

A man is lying in bed in a Catholic hospital with an oxygen mask over his mouth.

A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.

"Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

He struggles again to ask, "Nurse, Are my testicles black?"

Again the nurse replies, "I can't tell. I'm only here to wash your face and hands."

The ward sister was passing and saw the man getting a little distraught so marched over to inquire what was wrong.

"Sister," he mumbled, "Are my testicles black?"

Being a nurse of longstanding, the sister was undaunted. She whipped back the bedclothes, pulled down his pajama trousers, moved his penis out of the way, had a right good look, pulled up the pajamas, replaced the bedclothes and announced,

"Nothing wrong with them!!!"

At this the man pulled off his oxygen mask and asked again, "Are my test results back???"

Pest Control

A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company. One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly. "Quick," said the woman to her lover," into the closet!” and she pushed him in the closet, stark naked.

The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet. "Who are you?" he asked

"I'm an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone," said the exterminator.

"What are you doing in there?" the husband asked.

"I'm investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths," the man
replied.

"And where are your clothes?" asked the husband.

The man looked down at himself and said,........ "Those little bastards."

Going Out for a Drink

After the Great Britain Beer Festival, in London, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer.

The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona." The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Guinness sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask "Why aren't you drinking a Guinness?" and the Guinness president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

Pickle Slicer

Bill worked in a pickle factory. He had been employed there for a number of years when he came home one day to confess to his wife that he had a terrible compulsion. He had an urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggested that he should see a sex therapist to talk about it, but Bill indicated that he'd be too embarrassed. He vowed to overcome the compulsion on his own. One day a few weeks later, Bill came home absolutely ashen. His wife could see at once that something was seriously wrong.

"What's wrong, Bill?" she asked.

"Do you remember that I told you how I had this tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?"

"Oh, Bill, you didn't."

"Yes, I did."

"My God, Bill, what happened?"

"I got fired."

"No, Bill. I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?"

"Oh...she got fired too."

Recipe to Love Making

"Baking Making "

Ingredients:

2 Loving eyes.
2 Loving arms
2 Well shaped legs
2 Firm milk containers
1 Fur lined mixing bowl
2 Large nuts
1 Large banana

Method:
Look into loving eyes.
Fold in loving arms
Spread well shaped legs
Squeeze and massage milk containers gently until fur lined milking bowl is well greased. Check frequently with middle finger.
Add banana - work in and out until well creamed.
Cover with nuts and sigh with relief.
Cake done when banana becomes soft. Be sure to wash mixing utensils and don't lick the bowl!

P.S. If cake begins to rise, leave town immediately!!!!

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Visit to Mars

The year is 2222 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. They meet a Martian couple and are talking about all sorts of things. Mike asks if Mars has a stock market, if they have laptop computers, how they make money, etc. Finally, Maureen brings up the subject of sex.

"Just how do you guys do it?" asks Maureen.

The Martian responds, "Pretty much the way you do."

A discussion ensues and finally the couples decide to swap partners for the night and experience one another. Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a teeny, weenie member - about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick.

"I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen.

"Why?" he asks, "What's the matter?”

"Well," she replies, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"

"No problem," he says, and proceeds to slap his forehead with his palm. With each slap of his forehead, his member grows until it's quite impressively long.

"Well," she says, "that's quite impressive, but it's still pretty narrow.”

"No problem," he says, and starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his member grows wider and wider until the entire measurement is extremely exciting to the woman.

"Wow!" she exclaims, as they fell into bed and made mad, passionate love. The next day the couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways.

As they walk along, Mike asks, "Well, was it any good?”

"I hate to say it," says Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?”

"It was horrible," he replies, "all I got was a headache...she kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

Gets to Heaven First

One day in school, teacher asks her students to tell her what part of the body gets to heaven first. Little Janie raises her hand and replies "teacher, I know, I know, the first part of the body to get to heaven first is your mind, because of the understanding of the bible.” teachers says "good Janie anyone else?"

Bobby raises his hand and says” the first part to get into heaven is your heart, because of the love for everyone else, and the love of God" teacher says" good Bobby, anyone else?"

Dirty Ernie raises his hand and replies” teacher its your feet!" The teacher, looking very dumbfounded asks Ernie to explain. Ernie says” the other night I got up from bed to go get a drink of milk, when out of mommy and daddies room I heard a commotion, I peeked through the door, daddy was on top of mommy, with mommy's feet stuck straight up in the air, mommy was yelling "oh God I’m coming I’m coming!" and you know what I think? she would’ve probably be gone if daddy wasn’t holding her down!"

100 Dollar Bill Tattoo

A man wanted a hundred dollar bill tattooed to his penis. So he goes to a Tattoo Shop and makes the request. The Tattoo designer tells him that it would cost him $1000.00 to do the special bizarre request. The guy thinks for a while and decides that its a fair price. The designer starts the tattoo-ing and in the middle of the job asks the man, "Why are you doing this?"

 The man replies, "That's personal."

 With that, the designer continues to do the tattoo. The designer is still intrigued by such a bizarre request, so he tells the customer, "I'll waive the $1000.00 if you tell me why you are doing this."

 The man thinks again and replies, "Okay, that's reasonable." The man continues, "There are three reasons, first I like to play with money, second I like to watch money grow, and third and the most important, if my wife wants to blow a hundred, well, she can do it right at home."

Sex Life Died

Two women were talking about their lives since they had become Nursing Home Residents. They both agreed that life was good but one woman, Ethel, said she was rather upset because her sex life had really died out since she and her husband had come to the nursing home. 

The other woman said that her sex life was great! "The secret to great sex is this," the woman told her, "when my husband is getting ready for bed, I get undressed, lay on the bed and put both legs behind my head. When he comes out and sees me like that he gets so excited, we have wild sex the rest of the night!"
 
Ethel says, "I'm going to try that tonight!" 

When Ethel's husband is getting ready in the bathroom that night, she takes off all her clothes. Although it's a struggle, she gets one leg up and behind her head. Pretty soon, she has the other leg behind her head as well. After accomplishing this great feat, Ethel falls backwards and can't move.
 
It's not too long before her husband comes out of the bathroom. With a shocked look on his face, her husband yells "For God's sake Ethel, comb your hair and put your teeth in, you look like an ass!"

Flatten Him Out

A little boy walked in on his parents having sex. He sees his mom bouncing up and down on his dad, and he says "Mommy, what are you doing?" 

She said, "Well, daddy's too fat so I thought I'd try to flatten him out." 

The boy replied, "Why bother, every Tuesday the maid comes over and blows him back up again!"

$25,000 Bet

An elderly woman walked into the main office of Chase Manhattan Bank building, holding a large paper bag in her hand. She told the young man at the teller's window that she wished to deposit the $3 million in the bag and open an account at the bank. She said that first, though, she wished to meet the president of the bank due to the amount of money involved. The teller thought that to be a reasonable request, and, after opening the bag and seeing bundles of $1000 bills, which amounted to approximately $3,000,000, telephoned the bank president's secretary for an appointment for the lady.
 

The woman was escorted upstairs and ushered into the president's office. Introductions were made, and she stated that she liked to get to know people she did business with on a more personal basis. The president then asked her how she came into such a large sum of cash. "Was it inherited?" he asked. "No," she replied. He was quiet for several seconds, trying to think of where this elderly lady could possibly have come into $3 million.
 

"I bet," she offered. "As in horses?” "No," she replied, "as in people". Seeing his confusion, she explained that she just bet on different things with people. Suddenly, she said, "I'll bet you 25,000 that by 10 o'clock tomorrow morning your balls will be square."
 

The bank president figured she must be off her rocker and decided to take her up on the bet. He didn't know how he could lose. For the rest of the day, he was extremely cautious—he decided to stay home that evening and take no chances. $25,000 was at stake.
 

When he got up in the morning and took his shower, he checked to make certain that everything was O.K. There was no change in his scrotal appearance. He looked the same as always. He went to his office and waited for the woman to come in at 10AM, humming as he went. He knew this was his lucky day. How often did he get handed $25,000 for doing nothing?
 

At 10 o'clock sharp, the woman was shown into his office. With her was a man. When the bank president asked her what the other man was with her for, she informed the president that he was her lawyer and she always took him along when there was this much money involved in her betting.
 

"Well," she asked, "what about our bet?" "I don't know how to tell you this," he said, "but I'm the same as I've always been, only $25,000 richer." The old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied. The old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. "Well, okay," said the president, "$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure." Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, "What's wrong with him?"
 

She replied, "Nothing, except that I bet him $100,000 that by10am today I'd have the Chase Manhattan Bank's president's balls in my hand."

Pig

A man is driving down a steep, narrow mountain road. A woman is driving up the same road.

As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "Pig!" The man immediately leans out his window and replies with "BITCH!"

They each continue on their way, as the man rounds the next corner he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.

AC Broke

One day these two girls were hired to clean this guy's house. While they were there the AC broke, so one of the girls said, "Hey, since no one is here and it’s so hot in here lets take off our clothes.”

 The other girl agreed. So they took their clothes off. Later that day they heard a knock at the door. One of the girls went to the door and asked who it was. "Blind man," the person answered.

 The girl said, "Hey, since he's blind he can't see us."

 So she let him in. As soon as the blind-man stepped in he said, "Nice tits where do you want these blinds."

Very Apologetic

A man walks up to the front desk in a hotel lobby, he hears something in the background, and suddenly turns around and ends up elbowing a beautiful woman in the breast, very apologetic, he says: "I'm terribly sorry ma'am, if your heart is as soft as your breast, you'll forgive me..." 

The woman says: "If your penis is as hard as your elbow, I’m in room 1221!!!"

My Father

They say that the new super computer knows everything. A skeptical man came and asked the computer, "Where is my father?"
 
The computer bleeped for a short while, and then came back with "Your father is fishing in Michigan."
The skeptical man said triumphantly, "You see? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for twenty years."
 
"No", replied the super computer immediately. "Your mother's husband has been dead for twenty years. Your father just landed a three pound trout."

Pulled Over

A male driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:

Man: What's the problem officer?

Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.

Man: No sir, I was going 65.

Wife: Oh Peter. You were going 80.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.

Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!

Wife: Oh Peter, you've known about that tail light for weeks.

(Man gives his wife a dirty look.)

Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.

Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.

Wife: Oh Peter, you never wear your seat belt.

Man: Shut your mouth, woman!

Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?

Wife: No, only when he's drun k.

Password

One day a man and his wife needed to type in a password so that they could login on. So the husband tries to be funny so he types in “penis”. 

His wife literally falls on the ground laughing when the computer replies “PASSWORD REJECTED NOT LONG ENOUGH”

Sponge

Little Johnny runs into the bathroom just as his mother is stepping out of the shower and curiously points to her triangle of hair and asks "Mommy what's that?"

Somewhat flustered she quickly replies "Well dear that is my sponge."

Content with her answer off he goes...Later he runs into the living room and asks "Mommy may I play with your sponge?"

Again his mother is flustered and quickly states "Why, no you may not, I lost it."

O.K. this pacifies him and back out to play. Later Johnny races into the kitchen yelling "Mommy I found the sponge, I found the sponge."

Confused the mother asks "You did and where did you find it?"

Johnny proudly stated "The maid is got it and she is washing Daddy's face with it."

Flight from New York to LA

On a flight from New York to LA there was a loud bang, followed by some brief turbulence. "Sorry about the bumpy ride there folks,” the captain said over the loud speaker. "We just lost our number four engine. No need to be alarmed, we'll still get to L.A. just fine, but our arrival will be delayed by one hour."

While flying over Colorado, there was a loud bang, followed by some brief turbulence. "Sorry about the bumpy ride folks,” the captain said over the load speaker. "We just lost our number two engine. No need to be alarmed, we'll still get to L.A. just fine, but our arrival will be delayed by two hours."

While flying over Utah, there was a loud bang, followed by some brief turbulence. "Sorry about the bumpy ride folks,” the captain said over the loud speaker. "We just lost our number three engine. No need to be alarmed, we'll still get to L.A. just fine, but our arrival will be delayed by three hours."

A few minutes later, there was another loud bang, and an irritated passenger said, "Great, now it'll take forever!"

Southwest Airlines

A mother and her young curious son were flying Southwest Airlines from Las Vegas to Chicago. The boy sitting by the window turned to his mother and asked, “If dogs have baby dogs and cats have baby cats, why don’t planes have baby planes?”

The mother was caught by surprise and couldn’t think of an answer so she tells her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy dutifully asked the flight attendant the same questions.

The flight attendant responded, “Did your mother tell you to ask me that?” The little boy said, “Yes.”

“Well then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Now, let your mother explain that to you.”

Gay Flight Attendant

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks.

As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that "Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super."

On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle.
"Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."

She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess and I take orders from no one."
To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. “Tray-up, Bitch."

Never get Pregnant

Why does barbie never get pregnant??

Ken only comes in a box!

Blind Date

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

Customer’s Complaints

A man boarded a plane with 5 kids. After they got settled in their seats, a woman sitting across the aisle from him leaned over to him and asked “Are all of those kids yours?”

“No. I work for a condom company. These are customer’s complaints.” He replied.

Engrave it

At a jewelry store, a young man bought an expensive locket as a present for his girlfriend. "Don't you want her name engraved upon it?" asked the jeweler. The young man thought for a moment, and then, ever the pragmatic, steadfastly replied,

"No, just engrave it: To My One And Only Love. That way, if we break up and she throws it back to me in anger, I can use it again."

Daughter's Birthday

A guy was driving home one evening when he suddenly realizes that it is his daughter's birthday and that he hasn't bought her anything. Out the corner of his eye he sees a shopping mall. Knowing it was "now or never", he pulls his car through three lanes of traffic, finds a parking bay and runs into the mall.

After a frantic search he finds a toy store, goes inside and attracts the attention of a shop assistant. When asked what he would like, he simply says "a Barbie doll". The shop assistant looks at him in the particularly condescending manner that only shop assistants can muster up and asks "Which Barbie would that be, sir?"


The man looks surprised so the assistant continues "We have Barbie Goes the Gym for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Ball for $19.95, Barbie Goes Shopping for $19.95, Barbie Goes to the Beach for $19.95, Barbie Goes Night Clubbing for $19.95, and Divorced Barbie for $265.00"


The man can't help himself and asks "why is Divorced Barbie $265.00 when all the other Barbies are selling for $19.95?"

"That's obvious!" the assistant exclaims, "Divorced Barbie comes with Ken's house, Ken's car, Ken's furniture ....

Lollipop Salesman

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today.

You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession." The sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living.

"I'm a cop." says the first man.

"Then we will shoot your penis off!", said the sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living.

"I'm a firemen." said the second man.

"Then we will burn your penis off!" said the sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you do for a living?"

And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman!"

Road Trip

A man and his wife were driving through country on his way from New York to California. Looking at his fuel gauge, he decided to stop at the next gasoline station and fill up. About 15 minutes later, he spots a Mobil station and pulls over to the high octane pump.

"What can I do for y'all?" asks the attendant. "Fill `er up with high test," replies the driver. While the attendant is filling up the tank, he's looking the car up and down. "What kinda car is this?" he asks. "I never seen one like it before." "Well," responds the driver, his chest swelling up with pride, "this, my boy is a 1999 Cadillac DeVille."

"What all's it got in it?" asks the attendant. "Well," says the driver, "it has everything. It's loaded with power steering, power seats, power sun roof, power mirrors, AM/FM radio with a 10 deck CD player in the trunk with 100 watts per channel, 8 speaker stereo, rack and pinion steering, disk brakes all around, leather interior, digital instrument package, and best of all, a 8.8 liter V12 engine."

"Wow," says the attendant, "that's really something!" "How much do I owe you for the gasoline?" asks the driver. "That'll be $30.17," says the attendant.

The driver pulls out his money clip and peels off a $20 and a $10. He goes into his other pocket and pulls out a handful of change. Mixed up with the change are a few golf tees. "What are those little wooden things?" asks the attendant. "That's what I put my balls on when I drive," says the driver. "Wow," says the attendant, "those Cadillac people think of everything!"

Pepper

A man and a woman are sitting next to each other in first class on a plane. The woman sneezes, then takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man isn't sure he saw what she did, and decides he is probably hallucinating.

A few minutes pass. The woman sneezes again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs.

The man is about to go nuts. He can't believe that he's seeing what he's seeing.

A few more minutes pass. The woman sneezes yet again. She takes a tissue and gently wipes it between her legs yet again.

The man has finally had all he can handle.

He turns to the woman and says, "Three times you've sneezed, and three times you've taken a tissue and wiped it between your legs! What kind of signals are you sending me, or are you just trying to drive me crazy?"

The woman replies, "I am sorry to have disturbed you, sir. I have a rare condition such that when I sneeze, I have an orgasm."

The man, now feeling bad, says, "Oh, I'm sorry. What are you taking for it?"

The woman looks at him and says, "Pepper."

Barbie's Letter To Santa

Dear Santa:

Listen you fat little troll, I've been helping you out every year, playing at being the perfect Christmas present, wearing skimpy bathing suits in frigid weather, and drowning in fake tea from one too many tea parties, and I hate to break it to ya Santa, but IT'S DEFINITELY PAYBACK TIME! There had better be some
changes around here by next Christmas, or I'm gonna call for a nationwide meltdown (and trust me, you won't wanna be around to smell it). So, here's my holiday wish list:

1. A nice, comfy pair of sweat pants and a frumpy, oversized sweat shirt. I'm sick of looking like a hooker. How much smaller are these bathing suits gonna get? Do you have any idea what it feels like to have nylon and Velcro crawling up your butt?

2. Real underwear that can be pulled on and off. Preferably white. What bonehead at Mattel decided to cheap out and MOLD imitation underwear to my skin?!? It looks like cellulite!

3. A REAL man...maybe G.I. Joe. Hell, I'd take Tickle-Me Elmo over that wimped-out excuse for a boyfriend Ken. And what's with that earring anyway? If I'm gonna have to suffer with him, at least make him (and me) anatomically correct.

4. Arms that actually bend so I can push the aforementioned Ken-wimp away once he is anatomically correct.

5. Breast reduction surgery. I don't care whose arm you have to twist, just get it done.

6. A jogging bra. To wear until I get the surgery.

7. A new career. Pet doctor and school teacher just don't cut it. How about a systems analyst? Or better yet, an advertising account exec.

8. A new, more 90's persona. Maybe "PMS Barbie", complete with a miniature container of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream and a bag of chips; "Animal Rights Barbie", with my very own paint gun, outfitted with a fake fur coat and handcuffs; or "Stop Smoking Barbie", sporting a removable Nicotrol patch and equipped with several packs of gum.

9. No more McDonald's endorsements. The grease is wrecking my vinyl.

10. Mattel stock options. It's been 37 years. I think I deserve it.

Ok, Santa, that's it. Considering my valuable contribution to society, I don't think these requests are out of line. If you disagree, then you can find yourself a new bimbo doll for next Christmas. It's that simple.

Yours truly,
Barbie

Pussy Look Like?

A man and his four year old son are talking, when his son asks him "Dad, what does a pussy look like?"

The Dad confused, asks him "Before or after sex?"

The kid says "Ummm before sex"

So the dad says to him "Well have u ever seen a beautiful red rose with soft red peddles."

"Yeah" says the son."Well what about after sex" he says to his dad.

His dad replies "Have you ever seen a bulldog eating mayonnaise"

Must Love

Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced "My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!"

"What makes you say that?" the bartender inquired. 

"Last week." Bill explained "I had to take a couple of sick days from work. Suzie was so thrilled to have me around that every time the milkman and the postman came by, she'd run down the driveway, waving her arms and hollering "My old man's home! My old man's home!"

Playing Golf

A husband and wife were out playing golf. They tee off and one drive goes to the right and one drive goes to the left. The wife finds her ball in a patch of buttercups. She grabs a club and takes a mighty swing at the ball. She hits a beautiful second shot, but in the process she hacks the hell out of the buttercups.

Suddenly a woman appears out of nowhere. She blocks her path to her golf bag and looks at her and says, "I'm Mother Nature, and I don't like the way you treated my buttercups. From now on, you won't be able to stand the taste of butter. Each time you eat butter you will become physically ill to the point of total nausea." The mystery woman then disappears as quickly as she appeared.

Shaken, the wife calls out to her husband "Hey, where's your ball?"

"It's over here in the pussy willows."

The wife screams back "DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!! DON'T HIT THE BALL!!!!"

Seen Cock

The priest in a small Irish village loved the cock and ten hens he kept in the hen house behind the church. But one Saturday night the cock went missing! The priest knew that cock fights happened in the village so he started to question his parishioners in church the next morning.

During Mass, he asked the congregation, "Has anybody got a cock?"

All the men stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?"

All the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn't belong to them?"

Half the women stood up.

"No, no," he said, "that wasn't what I meant. Has anybody seen MY cock?"

All the nuns, three altar boys, two priests and a goat stood up.

Swore Off Women

These two guys had just gotten divorced and they swore they would never have anything to do with women again. They were best friends and they decided to move up to Alaska as far north as they could go and never look at a woman again. They got up there and went into a trader's store and told him "Give us enough supplies to last two men for one year." The trader got the gear together and on top of each one's supplies he laid a board with a hole in it with fur around the hole.

The guys asked "What's that board for?"

The trader said "Well, where you're going there are no women and you might need this."

They said "No way! We've sworn off women for life!"

The trader said "Well.take the boards with you, and if you don't use them I'll refund your money next year."

"Okay." they said and left. The next year this guy came into the trader's store and said "Give me enough supplies to last one man for one year."

The trader said "Weren't you in here last year with a partner?"

"Yeah" said the guy.

"Where is he?" asked the trader.

"I killed him" said the guy.

Shocked, the trader asks "Why?" To which the guy replies "I caught him in bed with my board!"

Tennis Elbow

Two men are playing tennis, one man falls and hits his elbow and decides to go to the doctors, the other man says "Don't waste any money on the doctors, just go inside the store at the corner down the street, put $10 in the machine in the corner, piss in the cup, let it do its thing and a slip of paper will come out that tells you what you have."

So he goes to the store puts ten dollars in the machine, pisses in the cup and out comes a piece of paper it says "You have tennis elbow take this ointment cream and apply it on your elbow 3-4 times a daily."

So goes home wondering how it know what was wrong, and wanted to see if this machine is a real miracle worker, so he goes home and gets his sisters piss, brothers piss, dogs piss, and jacks-off in the cup goes back to the store, puts ten dollars in the machine and places the cup in the machine.

The paper comes out and says "Your sister has gonorrhea, your brother is gay, your dog has worms, and if you keep jacking-off like that you'll never lose that tennis elbow."

Viens A Moi

Two women walked into a department store, stopped at the perfume counter and picked up a sample bottle. One sprayed the perfume on her wrist and smelled it. "That's nice, isn't it?" Sharon said waving her arm under her friend's nose.

"Yeah. What's it called?"

"Viens a moi."

"Viens a moi? What's that mean?"

A clerk offered some help. "Viens a moi, ladies, is French for 'come to me.'"

Sharon took another sniff. "That doesn't smell like come to me." she said, offering her arm to her friend again. "Does that smell like come to you?"

Put Their Thingies

A young teenager comes home from school and asks her mother "Is it true what Rita just told me? That babies come out of the same place where boys put their thingies?"

"Yes, dear." replies her mother, pleased that the subject had finally come up and she wouldn't have to explain it.

"But then when I have a baby, won't it knock my teeth out?

Two Black Eyes

Jack was returning to work Monday morning with two black eyes. His workmates were understandably curious: "Jack, what happened to you?!?"

"It was the darndest thing! I was at church yesterday, and this fat lady stood up in front of me. You know how a dress can get stuck in the crack of the butt of a fat lady? It looked funny. I figured she wouldn't like that, so I just reached over and pulled it out with a little tug. Next thing I know, she spins around and socks me one!"

"Jeez, you got TWO black eyes in one blow?"

"Naw. After she turned back around, I figured she was angry that I pulled the dress out of her crack, so I tried to poke it back in..."

In Laws

A couple drove down a country road, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument, and neither would concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules and pigs, the wife sarcastically asked "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep." the husband replied. "In-laws."

Playing Doctor

After discovering her young daughter playing doctor with the neighbors boy, the angry mother grabbed the boy by the ear and dragged him to his house and confronted his mother. "It's only natural for young boys and girls to explore their sexuality by playing doctor at their age."

The neighbor said. "Sexuality my ass!" The mother yelled. "He took out her appendix!"

Watcha Doing

Little Johnny walked into his dad's bedroom one day only catch him sitting on the side of his bed sliding on a condom. Johnny's father, in attempt to hide his full erection with a condom on it, bent over as if to look under the bed.

Little Johnny asked curiously "What ya doin dad?"

His father quickly replied "I thought I saw a rat go underneath the bed."

To which Little Johnny replied "What ya gonna do, fuck him?"

Counting with fingers

There was a little boy who had just learned to count on his fingers. One day his uncle came to visit and the boy was anxious to show off his newly acquired skill. He told his uncle to ask him and addition question. So they uncle asked "What is three plus four?"

The little boy counts it out on his fingers and said "Seven."

The uncle said "Listen kid, you cant count it out on your hands because someday when you are in school, a teacher will get mad at you for it. Now put your hands in your pockets."

So the little boy put his hands in his pockets and his uncle asked "What is five plus five?"

The uncle saw movement in the boys pockets, then the boy said "Eleven."

Old Farmer

One day an old farmer fell asleep in the top level in a 2 level hay shed. When he woke up, he found his son having sex with his girlfriend on the bottom level of the hayshed. He decided he wouldn't disturb them, so he laid down and rested. After a while he heard his son say "Father, father up above. Give me strength for one last shove."

So the father, being smart, replied "Son, son down below. Get off and give your father a go."

Sexual Morality

The Dean at an exclusive all girls' school was lecturing her students on sexual morality. "We live today in very difficult times for young people. In moments of temptation." she said "Ask yourself just one question: Is an hour of pleasure worth a lifetime of shame?"

A young woman rose in the back of the room and said "Excuse me, but how do you make it last an hour?"

Old Motor

It was the stir of the town when an 80-year-old man married a 20-year-old girl. After a year she went into the hospital to give birth. The nurse came out to congratulate the fellow. "This is amazing. How do you do it at your age?"

He answered "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The following year she gave birth again. The same nurse said "You really are amazing. How do you do it?"

He again said "You've got to keep the old motor running."

The same thing happened the next year. The nurse said "You must be quite a man."

He responded "You've got to keep that old motor running."

The nurse then said "Well, you had better change the oil, this one's black."

Harry

Every night after dinner, Harry took off for the local watering hole. He would spend the whole evening there and always arrive home, well inebriated, around midnight each night. He usually had trouble getting his key to fit the keyhole and couldn't get the door open. And, every time this happened, his wife would go to the door and let him in. Then, she would proceed to yell and scream at him for his constant nights out and coming home in a drunken state. But, Harry still continued his nightly routine.

One day, the distraught wife was talking to a friend about her husband's behavior. The friend listened and suggested, "Why don't you treat him a little differently when he comes home? Instead of berating him, why don't you give him some loving words and welcome him home with a kiss? Then, he might change his ways." The wife thought that this might be a good idea.

That night, Harry took off again after dinner. And, at about midnight, he arrived home in his usual condition.

His wife heard him at the door. She quickly opened it and let Harry in. Instead of berating him as she had always done, this time she took his arm and led him into the living room. She sat Harry down in an easy chair, put his feet up on the foot stool, and took his shoes off. Then, she went behind him and started to cuddle him a little. After a short while, she whispered to Harry, "It's pretty late, dear. I think we should go upstairs to bed now, don't you think?"

Harry replied in his inebriated state, "Heck, I guess we might as well. I'll get in trouble when I get home anyway!"

Short Fuse

A large, powerfully-built guy named Raymond meets a woman named Polly at a bar. After a number of drinks, they agree to go back to his place. As they are making out in the bedroom, Raymond stands up and starts to undress.

After he takes his shirt off, Raymond flexes his muscular arms and says "See that, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly begins to drool.

Raymond then drops his pants, strikes a bodybuilder's pose, and says, referring to his bulging thighs, "See those, baby? That's 1000 pounds of dynamite!" Polly is just aching for action at this point.

Finally, Raymond drops his underpants, and after a quick glance, Polly grabs her purse and runs screaming to the front door. Raymond catches her before she is able to leave and asks "Why are you in such a hurry to go?"

Polly then replies "With 2000 pounds of dynamite and such a short fuse, I was afraid you were about to blow!"

Name of Our Baby

A 16-year-old girl finally had the opportunity to go to a party by herself. Since she was very good-looking, she was a bit nervous about what to do if boys hit on her. Her mom said, "It's very easy! Whenever a boy starts hitting on you, you ask him, 'What will be the name of our baby?' That'll scare them off."

So off she went. After a little while at the party, a boy started dancing with her, and little by little he started kissing her and touching her. She asked him, "What will our baby be called?" The boy found some excuse and disappeared. Some time later, the same thing happened again: a boy started to kiss her neck, her shoulders... She stopped him and asked about the baby's name, and he ran off.

Later on, another boy invited her for a walk. After a few minutes, he started kissing her, and she asked him, "What will our baby be called?" He continued, now slowly taking her clothes off. "What will our baby be called?" she asked once more. He began to have sex with her. "What will our baby be called?!" she asked again. After he was done, he took off his "full" condom, gave it a knot, and said, "If he gets out of this one... David Copperfield!

Crutches

When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.

"How long will Ralph be on crutches?" the wife asked anxiously.

"Crutches? Why would he need crutches?" responded the surprised doctor.

"Well," said the wife "Your planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?"

Nicoderm Patch

A gay guy walks into the doctors office. He takes off his clothes for examination. When he takes his clothes off the doctor sees a Nicoderm patch at the end of his penis.

The doctor says "Hmmm, that's interesting...Does it work?"

The man answers "Sure does... I haven't had a butt in 3 weeks!"

Sex Life Stinks

A wife says to her friend "Our sex life stinks."

Her friend says "Do you ever watch your husband's face when you're having sex?"

She says "Once, and I saw rage."

Her friend says "Why would he be angry during sex?"

The wife says "Because he was looking through the window at us."

Naughty Stories

Annoyed by the professor of anatomy who liked to tell "naughty" stories during class, a group of female students decided that the next time he started to tell one, they would all rise and leave the room in protest. The professor, however, got wind of their scheme just before class the following day, so he bided his time. Then, halfway through the lecture, he began. "They say there is quite a shortage of prostitutes in France." The girls looked at one another, arose and started for the door.

"Young ladies." said the professor with a broad smile "The next plane doesn't leave till tomorrow afternoon."

Poor Kids

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing after wards, one of the poor kids says to the other one "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?"

"Yeah." says his mate "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."

Notoriously Loose Girl

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!"

Minor Surgery

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious." begged the man "How long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colours." he replies "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course." says the man proudly.

The wife responds really "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Cosmetic Surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Both of Them

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say "That can't be!"

He replies "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

Pickle

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

Female Orgasm

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay."

He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

Raped by Elephant

A man goes to a doctor and says "What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!"

The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says "Your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?"

The man says "Yeah but he fingered me first!"

Been Cheating

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says "By the way, I want a divorce."

Hands Shake

Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off."

The second guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast."

The third guy says "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out."

Feeling Horny

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness!" she exclaimed "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well!" he said "If you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Busty Blonde

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry." replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright." replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink." says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

Get Rich Quick

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked "What are those for?"

The old man replied "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

$65,000 Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?" And the answer is "The head, the heart, and the penis." Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

The Newlyweds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says "Put those on."

The bride replies "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request "Try those on!"

He replies "I can't get into your knickers!"

The bride replies "And you never fucking will if you don't change your attitude."

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The Best Patients

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from  New York , says, I like to see Accountants on my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second surgeon, from  Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try Electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon, from  Dallas , says, No, I really think Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from   ;Los Angeles , chimes in, You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from  Washington ,  DC , shut them all up when he observed, You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; and the head and the butt are interchangeable.

Smoking Condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks "What brand she prefers?"

She said "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Sex with a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar B Que, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite, oh so good!! The taste is unbelievable!! And I went to a real rodeo, talk about athletes, these guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain! Except they ride a horse out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!"

They then asked "Well tell us, did you have sex with a cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

10. No one steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And the number 1 To Go to Work Naked IS...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't!

10. Nuts! ...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Horny Hippy

There was a bus going to Cleveland and there was a nun in it. The bus stopped to pick up a guy, and he was a hippy. The hippy sat next to the nun and said, "Hey baby want to have sex with me?" The nun slapped him across the face.

Well as the hippy got off at his bus stop, the bus driver said, "Hey I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you."

The hippy said thanks and got off the bus, then got dressed up like God with the robes and cream and powder and hid behind a grave in the graveyard. Well just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six thirty. The Hippy popped out from behind the grave and said, "I am God!"

The nun said, "Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?"

The hippy said, "You must have sex with me."

So she did. Then the hippy jumped up and said, "Haha I am the hippy!"

And the nun jumped up and said, "Haha I am the bus driver!"

Ticket Agent

A crowded United Air Lines flight was canceled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Before & After Marriage

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

80-year old man

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Bronco Style

There were three guy sitting and telling each other the best way they like to have sex.

The first guy said "I like to do it sixty-nine."

The second guy said "I like to do it doggy-style."

The third guy said "Well I like to do it bronco style."

The to other guys "What the fuck is bronco style?"

The third guy says "Let me tell you what bronco style is, you start out doing it doggy-style then in the middle of doing it you leen down and wisper in her ear. Your sister likes it this way to, then try and hold on for eight seconds."

Newlywed Couple

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks "My picture?"

He answers "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture." He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Two Boys

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Amish Father & Son

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. 

The boy asked his father "What is this, Father?"

The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful and very busty 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son "Go get your mother."

No Bridal

Cowboy and his wife had just been married and they went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk to ask for a room.

He said, "This here's a very special 'casion........our weddin' night. We need a good room with a strong bed!!"

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it for a while and then replied, "No, I don't think so.......I'll just hold onta her ears until she gits used to it."

Finally Got Laid

When Ernie came home with the news that he'd gotten laid for the first time, his mother was less than pleased. Slapping him across the face, she sent him off to his room without any supper. When Ernie's father got home and heard the news, he went up to see his son.

"Well, my boy," he admonished, secretly pleased, "I hope you learned something from this experience."

"You bet I did," admitted his son. "Next time I use Vaseline ... my ass is killing me!"

Bar Talk

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,Ecologist

The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to a woman and ask her, "
What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"

Senior Sex Life

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine.

The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.

In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said.

"I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

Newly Married

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"

So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

Face Lift

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35." was the reply.

"I'm actually 47." the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Always Tired

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't." says the woman.  "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

Little Bear

It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave.His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

"Hibernate? Shit Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"

Belligerent Drunk

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct."Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

The Bet

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. That winter there was a period of -30 degree Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob "What are you doing?"  Bob explained and she said "Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him "What are you doing?"  Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!" 

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

Operation

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation quiet because it's an embarrassing procedure and she doesn't want anyone to find out about it. The doctor agrees.

The next day, the woman awakens from her successful operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he explains, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me because I felt bad that you had to go through all this by yourself. And, the second rose is from the nurse who assisted me with the operation. She too had the same operation some time ago."

"Who is the third rose from?" asked the curious woman.

"That rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit," explained the doctor "Because he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Lovemaking Discussion

Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.  "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette
and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Small Penis

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him "Which drink he prefers?"

"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.

"No" replies the man "But I've got the wife on Lager!"

Pickup Attempt

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good" she says.

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good" she says again.

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."