What You Got

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles, and says, "The airbag."

Hairless

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

Large Stiff One

After noticing a beautiful young redhead sitting alone at the bar, a young stud confidently strolls over to her side and says, “What can I get you, gorgeous?”
 
The woman blushes and replies, “if you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
 
“Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”

New CEO

A new CEO of a company decided to make some changes in his company. He was going to let the workforce know he means business. While he was walking the floor he noticed a man leaning against a wall.

He approached him and said, " How much do you make a week?"

The man said $400.00 The CEO gave him $1,600.00 and said, "Leave here and don't ever come back." The man took the money and did as he was told.

The CEO asked an employee, "What did that guy do around here anyway?"

The employee replied; "That was the Pizza delivery guy."

Smoke Rings

A guy is traveling across the plains of America and stops at a roadhouse. He stands at the end of the bar quietly sipping his beer and blowing smoke rings. 

After this goes on for a while an angry Indian approaches him and says, “Now buddy, listen if you don’t stop insulting my wife, I’ll kick the crap out of you!”

Run Dandy

“What’s that drink you’re mixing?” the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar. “I call this a rum dandy,” said the bartender.

“What’s in it?” asked the stranger.

“Sugar, milk, and rum,” said the bartender.

“Is it good?” asked the stranger.

“Sure,” said the barkeep. “The sugar gives you pep, the milk gives you energy.”

“And the rum?” asked the stranger.

“Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy” replied the bartender.

One Question

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain,” said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already ...........my pants!"

Old Bubba is now the new "Greeter" Blackwell, Oklahoma Wal-Mart.

I am the Viper

As a man was working in his office one day, he received a phone call. "Hello," he said. At the other end of the line, a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper, I am coming in a week." Then the caller hung up.

The man thought someone was pulling a practical joke, so he didn't think much about it until a few days later, when he got another phone call. After he said "Hello," a mysterious voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming in three days." Then the caller hung up again.

The man was starting to get a bit worried but he still thought someone was trying to scare him. Then he received another phone call. This time, the voice said, "I am the viper. I am coming tomorrow." Once again, the caller hung up.

Now the man was sure that someone was out to get him. The next day when he went to work, he brought along his rifle, just in case. That afternoon, a stranger wearing white overalls and carrying a pail of water came into the man's office. "Who are you?" the man asked. The stranger replied, "I am the viper. I have come to vipe your vindows."

Have a Baby

Tim goes to his boss’s office and says, “Sir, I need tomorrow off. My wife is going to have a baby.” The boss gives his the day off.
 
Two days later Tim walks into work, and the boss asks, “Was it a boy or a girl?”
 
Tim says, “we won’t know for nine months.”

4 Envelopes

The new manager walks into his office and, while settling into his new desk, finds 4 envelopes. On one he finds the words 'open me first,' and the other three are numbered 1 to 3.

He opens the first envelope and finds a letter from his predecessor saying:' These three envelopes will save you a world of trouble. In case of emergency, please open these envelopes in sequential order; envelope one first, envelope two second, and envelope three third.'

The manager shrugs, puts the envelopes back, and forgets about them.

Six months later, the workers go on strike. The company closes, and is losing money fast.

After a long night negotiating with the union, he remembers the 3 envelopes. So he opens the first one and it says: 'Blame me, your predecessor for everything'.

Wonderful idea he thinks, and indeed it works and the crisis comes to its end. His job is saved, and everybody's happy.

A few month later, another strike hits. He goes to the drawer and opens the second envelope. It reads, 'Blame the government for everything'.

It works like a charm, and he breathes a sigh of relief as his job is, once again, saved.

A month later the workers declare another strike. The manager goes directly to the third envelope and it reads, 'Prepare 4 new envelopes'.

Watering Hole

Every Friday a few guys get together after work at the local watering hole. One Friday, Sam showed up late, sat down at the bar, and powered down his entire first drink in one huge gulp. Then he turned to Jim and said, “times are getting tough, my friend. Today my wife told me that she is going to cut back sex with me to just twice a week. I can’t believe it.”
 

Jim put his hand on Sam’s shoulder and said reassuringly, “You think you’ve got it bad? She’s cut some guys out all together!”

Work vs. Prison

Just in case you ever got the two mixed up. This should make things a bit clearer.

IN PRISON: you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK: you spend the majority of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: you get three meals a day.
AT WORK: you only get a break for one meal and you pay for it.

IN PRISON: you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: you get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: the guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK: you must carry around a security card and open all
the doors for yourself.

IN PRISON: you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK: you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON: you get your own toilet.
AT WORK: you have to share with some idiot who pees on the seat.

IN PRISON: they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK: you can't even speak to your family.

IN PRISON: the taxpayers pay all expenses with no work required.
AT WORK: you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and
then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: you spend most of your life inside bars wanting to
get out.
AT WORK: you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go
inside bars.

IN PRISON: you must deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: they are called managers.

String

Peter is drinking in a bar, and he sees a guy three stools away every once in a while reach around to tug on a piece of string that is hanging out of the back of his shirt collar.
 
Peter says, “Hey, pal, what’s that string for?” 

The guy says “A couple of days ago I had a date with a great girl, and when we got into bed, I couldn’t get a hard-on. It made me so crazy that I tied this string to the end of my dick, and now, every time I think of how it let me down, I pull on the string so my cock can kiss my ass.”

Baldness

A middle-aged executive was becoming increasingly irritated by the constant ribbing he was taking from the junior employees who couldn't resist making fun of his baldness.

One morning, a particularly brash trainee had the gall to run his hand across the older man's gleaming head while loudly exclaiming: "Feels just like my wife's ass."

With a look of genuine curiosity, the aging executive rubbed his hand across his head.

"You're right," he said, "it does..."

Two Test-Tickles

This girl saw an ad in the newspaper for a job at an Elmo factory. She went down and applied, but the manager told her that she wouldn't want the job because it was boring. The girl begged him and told him she would do anything because she needed the money really bad. After long consideration the manager hired her.

After a few hours the manager looked at the video-monitor showing the factory floor and saw that the conveyer belt was backed up. The manager went downstairs to find out what the problem was. When he arrived there, the girl was sewing two marbles into the crotch of every Elmo. The manager said, ''I said to give each Elmo two test-tickles; not two testicles!''

Bet

A strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of Morris, one of the older workmen. After several minutes, Morris had enough.

"Why don't you put your money where your mouth is?" he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back."

"You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "It's a bet! Let's see what you got."

Morris reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."

You Started It

Reaching the end of a job interview, the Human Resources Person asked a young Engineer fresh out of MIT, "And what starting salary were you looking for?"

The Engineer said, "In the neighborhood of $125,000 a year, depending on the benefits package."

The interviewer said, "Well, what would you say to a package of 5 weeks vacation, 14 paid holidays, full medical and dental, a company matching retirement fund for 50% of your salary, and a company car leased every 2 years-say, a red Corvette?"

The Engineer sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

And the interviewer replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

My Pants

A plane takes off from New York's Kennedy Airport. After it reaches a cruising altitude, Captain Sparks makes an announcement over the intercom.

'Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to flight 293,' he says. "The weather ahead looks clear, so sit back, relax and - OH MY GOD!"

The intercom falls silent. A minute later, Capt. Sparks comes back on the intercom. "I'm so sorry for scaring you all earlier,'"he says. "But while I was talking, an attendant spilled a boiling cup of coffee in my lap. You should see the front of my pants!"

'That's nothing, "A passenger in coach shouted. 'You should see the back of mine!"

Stole My Car

A well dress but obviously intoxicated gentleman stumbled up to a policeman at a busy downtown intersection and voiced a thick-tongued complaint. “Somebody stole my car, officer,” he announced groggily.

“I had it right here on the tip of my ignition key.”

“We’ll go right to the station and report it,” the cop replied, amused at the guy’s condition. “But I think you should zip up your fly up before we leave.”

“Oh, my,” exclaimed the drunk, looking at his open barn door. “Somebody stole my girl, too!”

Wife Ran Away

A guy rushed into the bar and told the bartender, "The beers are on me!. My wife ran away with my best friend."

The bartender smiled and said, "That's a shame, how come you aren't unhappy?"

"Hell no, I'm happy," replied the guy, "They saved me a fortune....both of them were pregnant!"

Buy You a Drink

Carl is talking to a girl in a New York City bar, he says, “Can I get you a drink?

The girl replies; “Certainly”

Carl asks: “What would you like?”

The girl says, “Champagne.”

Carl says “Why Champagne?”

The girl says, “Because when I drink champagne I imagine I am a goddess on the Nile, draped in a long robe, relaxing peacefully, with servants fanning me and dropping peeled grapes into my mouth.”

Curious Carl asks, “What if I just buy you a draft beer?”

The girl replies, “I’ll cut wet farts all night.”

12-inch Pianist

A guy walks into a bar and pulls out a tiny piano, along with a tiny little man who immediately starts to play. Another guy notices this and says, “Hey, what’s that?”

“A 12- inch pianist.” The first guy says. “You see, I found this magic lamp, rubbed it, made a wish, and I goy a 12-inch pianist.”

“Can I try?” The second guy asks.

The first guy says okay, and a minute later a million ducks fill the room.

“Ducks? I didn’t wish for a million ducks. I wished for a million bucks,” says the second guy.

“You think I really wished for a 12-inch pianist?” says the other.

Found Jesus

A drunk was walking along the river side and came upon a baptismal service. Curious, he walked up to see what was happening, and the preacher looked him up and down and said, "Son, I can see your life has been hard, and since you have come here I have to ask you one question. Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk got closer to the water and said, "Yes, I believe that I am ready."

So the preacher dunked him under the water and pulled him back up, and asked, "Have you found Jesus yet?"

The drunk thought a minute and said, "No, I can't say that I have."

So the preacher smiled and dunked him again and held him for a little longer, then pulled him up and asked, "Have you found him now?"

The drunk said "Nope, not yet."

Not wanting a rumor to start saying that he couldn't save a man the preacher dunked him again and held him down for a full minute, then pulled him up and asked, "Surely you've found him now, right?"

The drunk, gasping for air, looked at the preacher and asked "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"

Happy Birthday

Two weeks ago was my 44th birthday and I wasn't feeling too hot that morning. I went down to breakfast knowing my wife would be pleasant and say "Happy Birthday" and probably have a present for me. She didn't even say "Good Morning", let alone any "Happy Birthday." I thought, "Well, that's wives for you. The children will remember. "The children came down to breakfast and didn't say a word.

When I started to the office I was feeling pretty low and despondent. As I walked into my office, my secretary, Janet said, "Good Morning, Boss, Happy Birthday." I felt a little better. Someone had remembered. I worked until noon, then Janet knocked on my door and said, "You know it is such a beautiful day outside and it is your birthday, let's go to lunch, just you and me." I said, "By George, that's the greatest thing I've heard all day. Let's go.

We went to lunch. We didn't go where we normally go. We went out into the country to a little private place. We had two martinis and enjoyed lunch tremendously. On the way back to the office, she said, "You know, it is such a beautiful day, we don't need to go back to the office, do we?" I said, "No, I guess not." She said, "Let's go to my apartment."

After arriving at her apartment she said, "Boss, if you don't mind, I think I'll go into the bedroom and slip into something more comfortable. Sure," I excitedly replied. She went into the bedroom and, in about six minutes she came out carrying a big birthday cake, followed by my wife, children and dozens of our friends. They were all singing Happy Birthday.......and there I sat on the couch.......naked.

2 Pints

There's this guy who's sitting in the bar he order's two pints at a time he drink's one of the pint's pours the other between his legs. The waitress come's around again asks the guy if he'd like two more.

He replies "Yes, two more please."

She brings him two more. She then noticed that he drank one and poured the other between his legs she asks him "What are you doing sir?"

He say's "Well miss I just won the 649 Lottery and this is the only PRICK I'm sharing it with."

Alligator

A man walks onto a bar with his pet alligator and says to everyone: "If I place my genitals in this alligators mouth for one minute and take them out unscathed will each of you buy me a drink?"

They all agreed to his challenge. So he took off his pants placed his genitals in the alligator’s mouth and the alligator closed his mouth. Everyone gasped in aw. A minute later he takes a bottle smashes it over the alligators head and the alligator opened its mouth. He took out his genitals and sure enough not a scratch on them.

When he is done with his drinks he asks the crowd "Now would anyone of you dare to do this next?" And a beautiful woman raises her hand and says " I will but don't hit me over the head with a bottle."

Holes in the Bar

This young man walks into a bar that he's never been to before and he goes up to the bartender to order his drink. While he waits he notices three holes in the bar. When the bartender returns with his drink he asks what they're for. 

She says, "Oh if you stick your dick in there you can get a free blow job." 

He nods and sticks his dick into the first hole. "Mmm," he groans, "that’s nice" before he cums he moves to the second hole. "Awww, that’s even better," he moans. Finally he sticks his dick in the third and final hole "oh yeah that’s the best" he groans as he cums. 

Once he gets his pants up he walks over to the bartender and asks who’s under there "Well," she says "the first is a blonde, the second is a brunette and the third is and elderly man with no teeth."

College

“I sent my son to college to get an education,” complained Joseph to Allan, “but all he seems to do is shack up with girls, smoke pot, and have a good time.”
 
“Most college students do that today,” replied Allan.

“That’s the trouble,” snapped Joseph. “I should have kept him home and gone to college myself.”