Anywhere Anytime

A couple was having problems with their love life. So they decided to consult a local sexologist.

They had an open conversation about their preferences and ways of "doing it".

The sexologist gave them this advice - "The main reason why you are not doing well is because of a fixed place and fixed time for it. Remember, if you delay your natural urge it will only become more difficult and eventually it will become impossible to enjoy it. So my advice to you is to just do it anywhere anytime. Remember, anywhere anytime without waiting, be it the dining hall, the drawing room, the restroom or even the closet.........morning, afternoon or night........just enjoy for the moment.......anywhere and anytime."

The couple came back next week happy and fulfilled. The sexologist asked them about their first experience to which the husband replied somewhat reluctantly. "Well, it was a nice and quite evening. We were enjoying our meal and we started talking hot.......My wife looked at me with those eyes and I knew what was to be done. We had it coming so we made love then and there on the table without waiting to finish eating.......... It was unlike anything we did before."

"Wow!that's great!You should try that sometime again then!",said the sexologist.

The husband replied,"I don't think that's possible..."

"Why?"

"Well, the manager of the restaurant got us kicked out the last time and I don't think they are going to let us in again!"

Thing Between A Girl..

A boy walks up to his dad and ask him "Dad what is that thing between a girls legs that has hair on it?"

His dad said, "Well son that is called a vagina."

His son thought about that for a minute and then asked, "OK then, what is that little thing that looks like a really small penis in a woman's vagina?"

"Well they call that a clitoris son," said the father.

"OK dad, just one more question... What is that really smooth piece of skin that is below a woman's vagina?"

The boy's dad thinks about this for a minute and says, "Well son, I don't know the medical term for it but I just call it a chin rest."

One Piece

A man dies "in the act" after taking Viagra and rigor mortis has set into his private parts.

The funeral director can't get the coffin lid nailed on and has to discuss the alternatives with the man's beautiful young widow. "I'm afraid that the only way to get the lid on is either to pay another $3,000 for an extra large coffin or to amputate his member."

"Well I have no more money," states the widow, "and it is against my religion for me to bury my husband in more than one piece."

The funeral director thinks about this and then comes up with a brain-wave: He'll amputate the member and then stick it up the deceased's backside, in which case a more expensive coffin is unnecessary and the husband will still be, in a manner of speaking, in the one piece. The widow reluctantly agrees.

On the day of the funeral, the deceased is displayed in an open casket. As the mourners file by, one mourner places flowers on the coffin and a drop of water from the flowers falls onto the deceased's face, looking for all the world like a teardrop.

The next mourner to file by is the widow. She looks down at her lifeless husband, notices the "teardrop" and says to him quietly, "See, I told you it hurts!"

Topical Lovemaking Aid

John comes home all excited with this bottle and says to Jill, "I bought this at the store. It is supposed to be a topical lovemaking aid for women. When applied to the clitoris, a rush of blood is let in and the woman is supposed to experience pleasures she's never dreamed of. I can't wait for you to try it out."

"Really??" Jill said grabbing it out of his hand "Let me look at the directions for use."

John hands over the bottle and Jill says, "Ohhhhh, now I see why you can't wait for me to try it out. The directions say 'Apply liberally with tongue'"

Other Half

There were 2 old-maid sisters... both virgins. It's Friday night and Jen looks at Lyn and says, "I'm not going to die a virgin... I'm going out and I'm not coming home 'til I've been laid!!"

Lyn says, "Well, make sure you're home by 10, so I won't worry." 10 o'clock rolls around and there's no sign of Jen... 11 o'clock... 12 o'clock... Finally about 15 after 1 the front door flies open. In runs Jen.. straight to the bathroom.

Lyn goes and knocks on the door, "Are you okay, Jen?" No answer, so she opens the door and there sits Jen with her panties around her ankles, legs spread, and her head stuck between her legs looking at herself. "What is it, Jen? What's wrong?" asks Lyn.

"Lyn, it was 10 inches long when it went in... and 5 when it came out. When I find the other half you're gonna have the time of your life!!"

Finding a Perfect Husband

A very straight and honest girl is going to town. Before she left, her mother gave her some advice: "Daughter, when you're in town and if you're looking for a match there, you must take note of the following requirements mothers set for their daughters. You must find a man that is faithful', 'thrifty' and must be a 'virgin'.

With this advice from her mother, the girl went to town. After some months later, she came home to get her mother's blessings to marry.

"Mother, I've met my match following your instructions. My future husband is faithful because when we went out for holiday one day, he took care of me specifically even though there were so many prettier girls around. Isn't that being faithful?"

Her mother nodded in agreement.

"Then, since the day was getting late in the night and rain was pouring, he decided that we stay the night at a hotel. He also suggested that in order not to spend too much, we should share a room. Is he not a thrifty guy?"

For the second time her mother nodded her head in agreement, but with a little concern.

"And finally mom... I know he is a virgin"

"How did you know he is still a virgin?" The mother asked with concern.

"Mmmm...his 'thingy' was still new and hard.... All wrapped up in plastic!"

Airborne Training

A US Army soldier sat in a bar with his head in his hands having just finished his first day of Airborne training. His buddy sat down on the stool next to him and asked him what was the matter.

"I just finished my first day in Airborne training and it didn't go too well." he sighed.

"What happened?" his buddy asked.

"Well, we got over the jump zone, the green light came on and we all hooked up to the jump line. We shuffled to the door and when it was my turn, I just froze. I couldn't jump."

"What happened then?" his buddy asked, concerned.

"Well the jump sergeant started yelling at me. He said, Boy, if you don't jump right now, I'm going to shove my fist up your ass!"

"Did you jump?"

"Well, a little at first."

Doctor's Visit

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam. The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed,"she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered. She did.

He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed The doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came."

New Boots

An older couple went to Texas on vacation. The husband is trying to revigorate his romanticism and onward to sex, buys some cowboy boots. He takes all his clothes off to total bareness, wears his new shining boots and walks to the bathroom where wife was taking bath.

He says, "Hi honey, see anything exciting on me?"

Wife looks and says, "What? That withered thing of yours that hangs down, that aleays is hanging down now and appears it will be hanging down for ever. So what is exciting to see?"

Husband says, "No dear, that thing of mine is looking down at my new sexy boots! Notice them?"

Wife says, "Yes, then why didn't you buy a hat? It would at least be looking up for an exciting change."

Three Whores

Three whores were comparing notes about their customers from the night before.

"I fucked a cowboy last night", said the first.

"How did you know he was a cowboy?" asked the second.

"Well, he wore a cowboy hat, cowboy boots, and kept both the hat and the boots on all the time we were screwing."

"Sounds like a cowboy, all right," the others agree.

"I fucked a lawyer," announced the second. "I could tell because he wore a three piece suit and packed a briefcase. He wore the vest of the suit and hung on to the briefcase all the time we were fucking."

They all agreed he sounded like a lawyer.

"I fucked a grain farmer," commented the third.

"How could you possibly know he was a grain farmer?" one asked.

"First he complained it was too dry, then he whined it was too wet, then he asked if he could pay me in the fall."

A police car pulls up in front of Grandma Bessie's house, and Grandpa Morris gets out.

The polite policeman explained that this elderly gentleman said that he was lost in the park...and couldn't find his way home.

"Oy vey, Morris, " said Grandma, "You've been going to that park for over 30 years! So how could you get lost?"

Leaning close to grandma, so that the policeman couldn't hear, Morris whispered, "I wasn't lost...I was just too tired to walk home."

Twice a Day

A guy goes to his doctor and says "Doctor, doctor you've got to help me. I just can't stop having sex!"

"Well how often do you have it?" the doctor asks.

"Twice a day I have sex with my wife."

"That's not so much", says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with my secretary."

"Well that is probably a bit excessive," says the doctor.

"Yes, but that's not all. Twice a day I have sex with a prostitute."

"Well, that's definately too much," says the doctor. "You've got to learn to take yourself in hand."

"I do", says the man. "Twice a day."

First Date

A young innocent girl is about to go on her first date and is given some word of advise and warning by her "Look darling, they all want the same, so do be very careful and don't you ever let him; kiss your lips. Your lips are as soft as rose petals and will shrivel, or touch your breast. They are like of thin crystal and can shatter, and never ever to touch your "private" part. That one is like a "GRILL" and will burn everything coming to touch it."

The girl is off full of excitement and anxiety, and Mom waits and waits until just after midnight when she's back.

"How was it?" asks mom.

"Oh mom, it was absolutely fantastic, and I think I'm in love!"

"Lets not go too fast dear. And did he tried to come too close?"

"Well, yes, he did and I did as you said and he was absolutely careful not to hurt or harm me!"

"What do you mean careful, did you let him do something?"

"Not exactly mom, see it was like that. First he wanted to kiss me and I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he went to touch my breast and again I told him what you said, and he stopped. Then he slowly went under my skirt close to the private part, and I told him what you said"

"And he then took his hands out and said; 'What a coincidence, I happen to have a nice piece of "Fillet" and would love to put it in your "Grill" to cook!!'"

"WHAT?!?" screams the mother, "I knew that bastard is no different to the others. You hopefully stopped him there too, didn't you?"

"Well, not really mom. You see, he promised to be careful and was very careful not to 'burn' his fillet. Every now and then he took it out and had me 'taste it' to see if it was cooked or not."

New Store

Two business men are sitting in their soon to be new store. As of now the store is bare with just a few shelves. One says to the other, "I bet any minute now someone is going to walk by, put his face to the window and ask what we are selling."

No sooner were the words out of his mouth when sure enough, a curious fellow walks to the window, has a peak and asks, "What are ya sellin here boys?"

One of the men (being a smart ass) replies, "Oh we're selling assholes."

Without skipping a beat the fellow says, "Well I see you're doing really well, you've only got two left!"

Mad dog

A young man in a public swimming pool was startled when his swimsuit fell off. He was in the deep end, and couldn't find it, no matter how desperately he looked. Perplexed, he went to the shallow end and tried to figure out what to do.

As he stood there up to his chest in water and watched the young ladies in their bikinis, he was additionally stressed to realize that he now sported a raging hard on. Finally, he struck up a course of action. He jumped violently out of the water and shouted loudly, "Mad dog! Mad dog!"

Although most of the others in the pool began screaming in fear, a lusty redhead took a more direct course of action.

She tore off her bikini bottoms, flattened him on the ground and straddled him yelling, "Quick! Let me muzzle that son of a bitch before it gets away!"

Artificial Pussy

A very talented inventor devised an artificial pussy. You could not distinguish it from the real thing. Realizing what a money maker he had devised, he approached a sea captain who was embarking on a six month cruise. He made an agreement with the captain to split the profits 50/50 and charge each sailor $2.00 to utilize it.

Upon the end of the voyage the inventor was standing on the pier awaiting the ship. The ship tied up and the captain came down the gangway.

The two embraced and the inventor asked "How much did we make?"

The captain reached in his pocket, drew out a dollar bill and handed it to the inventor.

The inventor screamed, "What the hell, one dollar, didn't they like it?"

The captain responded "Oh yeah, the first guy liked it so much he ate it!!"

Vacation

Three friends took their wives on vacation for a week in Las Vegas and they all had a great time.

A few days after they returned home, the men were sitting around talking about their trip.

"I don't think I'm ever going to do that again!" says the first guy. "Since we've been back, my wife flings her arms and hollers '7 come 11' all night long. I haven't had a wink of sleep!"

"I hear ya, buddy," the second guy replies. "My wife played blackjack the whole time we were there. Since we've been back, she slaps the bed all night and hollers 'hit me light, hit me hard'. I haven't had a wink of sleep either!"

"You guys think you have it bad!" exclaims the third guy. "My wife played the slots the entire time we were there. Every morning I wake up with a sore dick and an ass full of quarters!"

Panties

A man asked his neighbor how he kept his car looking so nice and glossy.

The neighbor replied "My wife gave me all her worn out panties and I use them to polish his car with."

Being a bachelor, he decided to ask his stenographer for some of hers, so one day at the office he asked "By the way, Miss Jones, what do you do with your panties when you wear them out?"

"Why?" she replied demurely, "If I can find them afterwards, I put them back on again!"

Anatomy Class

A woman enrolled in nursing school was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk up the students a bit, asked the woman "Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm?"

"Sure" she said. "He's at home, taking care of the kids"

Blow or...

James leaves his place at the bar to go have a piss. He comes back about ten-fifteen minutes later, sits down at the bar, muttering and swearing very softly. The bartender approaches him and asks what the problem is.

"Oh, some son-of-a-bitch snuck up behind me while I was at the urinal and put a gun to my head."

"Ouch! What happened?"

"He told me to give him a blow job or he'd blow my brains out!"

"Yeah, then what?"

"Well you didn't hear a gun shot, did you???"

Golfer

A very avid golfer was lined up and ready on the 17th tee when out of the woods came a naked girl who ran past him and into the woods on the other side of the tee. Being the avid golfer he was, he once again bared down on the ball and right in the middle of his back swing a guy in a white coat ran out of the woods and asked him if a naked lady ran past.

Our golfer said "Yes, she ran into the woods."

The guy in the white coat said thanks and ran after her. Our golfer again prepared to hit the ball when all of a sudden another man in a white coat came out of the woods carrying a 5 gallon bucket of sand and asked if he had seen a man in a white coat come through here chasing a naked lady. He said, "Yes, they ran that way through the woods."

The man said thanks and started to run off when the golfer stopped him and asked, "Hey, what's going on?"

The guy explained, "You see we work at a sanitarium institution nearby and every now and then that girl gets away and all she wants to do is get naked and fuck."

The golfer then asked, "Well what's the bucket of sand for?"

The guy in the white coat said, "Oh, that's my handicap. You see, I caught her last time!"

Halloween Costumes

A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days. So the husband tells his wife to go to the store and get costumes for them to wear.

When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume.

The husband yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear."

The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement.

The Husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom, and there, laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!"

The next morning his irate wife goes shopping.

When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items: one is a set of three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is 2 x 4.

The husband yells at the wife, "What the hell are these for?"

The wife yells back, "take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that one, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT one, you can stick the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle."

Virgins

Two friends were at a bar discussing life and love.

One said, "Would you believe that out of all the women I've been with not a one of them was a virgin? It'd be nice if girls saved themselves for marriage. I think it would cure a big part of the huge divorce crisis we have."

"Yeah, Jim, I hear you," said the other. "Out of all the women I've been with I've only had two virgins myself; my wife and yours."

Baby Sitting

Little Johnny was sitting in his bedroom feeling really depressed. In walked his dad and asked, "What's up son?"

Johnny replied, "Dad, I really need to get laid. I'm really horny!" With that the father pulled $100 from his wallet and said, "Here you go son, go in to town tonight and have a good time."

"Great!" said the boy and off he went.

The next day Little Johnny is in his room feeling good. In walks the old man again and asks, "How did you do? How did you manage that?" his father asked with interest.

"Well," said the boy, "I went in to town like you told me and I met grandma there and told her what I was up to and she took me to her place and fixed me up".

The father's jaw dropped and he shouted, "What! You screwed my mother!" Little Johnny said, "why not dad? You screw mine!"

Blind Date

Jack had a blind date with Jill for the prom and, as the evening progressed, he found himself more and more attracted to her.

After some really passionate embracing, he said, "Tell me, do you object to making love?"

"That is something I have never done before," Jill replied.

"Never made love? You mean you are a virgin?"

Jack was amazed. "No, silly!" she giggled. "I've never objected!"