What did this Prove

A schoolteacher wanted to show her students how dangerous drinking alcohol could be. She brought a jar of alcohol and an earthworm to class one day to demonstrate its effects. She dropped the worm into the alcohol and it died instantly.

She then asked her students "What did this prove?"

One student raised his hand and said, "If you drink a lot of alcohol, you won't get worms."

Doms Out-of-Bounds

On the first day of college, the Dean addressed the students, pointing out some of the rules: "The female dormitory will be out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."

He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180. Are there any questions?"

At this point, a male student in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

English Exam

It was the final examination for an introductory English course at the local university. Like many such freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class! The examination was two hours long, and exam booklets were provided. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. 1/2 hour into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked the professor for an exam booklet.

"You're not going to have time to finish this," the professor stated sarcastically as he handed the student a booklet.

"Yes I will," replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing.

After two hours, the professor called for the exams, and the students filed up and handed them in. All except the late student, who continued writing.

1/2 hour later, the last student came up to the professor who was sitting at his desk preparing for his next class. He attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets already there.

"No you don't, I'm not going to accept that. It's late."

The student looked incredulous and angry. "Do you know WHO I am?"

"No, as a matter of fact I don't," replied the professor with an air of sarcasm in his voice.

"DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?" the student asked again.

"No, and I don't care." replied the professor with an air of superiority.

"Good," replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

Extra Day to Study

Two college seniors had a week of exams coming up. However, they decided to go to a party instead and they didn't get any studying done. When they went to the test, they decided to tell the professor that their car had broken down the night before due to a flat tire and they needed a bit more time to study.

The professor told them that they could have another day to study.

That evening, both of the boys crammed all night until they were sure that they knew just about everything. Arriving to class the next morning, each boy was told to go to separate classrooms to take the exam. Each shrugged and went to two different parts of the building. As each sat down, they read the first question. "For 5 points, explain the contents of an atom."

At this point, they both thought that this was going to be a piece of cake, and answered the question with ease.

Then, the test continued... "For 95 points, tell me which tire it was."

Sadly Disappointed

The male teacher in a girls' school asked the science class: "Who can tell me what organ of the human body expands to 10 times its usual size when stimulated? Mary, can you tell me?" Mary blushed furiously as she stood up.

She said: "Sir, how dare you ask such a question? I will complain to my parents, who will complain to the principal."

The teacher was taken aback at first by Mary's reaction. Then, as understanding dawned on him, he called for another pupil, this time a volunteer.

Lily put up her hand. "Yes, Lily?"

"Sir, the correct answer is the iris of the eye."

"Very good. Thanks, Lily," said the teacher.

He then turned to the 1st girl, who threatened to complain to her parents and principal: "Well, Mary, I have 3 things to tell you: First, you have NOT done your homework. Second, you have a DIRTY mind. And thirdly, I fear, one day, you are going to be sadly disappointed."

Vacation in Florida

Two fleas that live in Maine vacation in Florida every summer. One summer the first flea arrives shaking and shivering. The second flea asks "Why are you so cold?"

The first flea says "Because I just rode down here on the mustache of a guy on a motorcycle."

The second flea replies "That’s no way to travel, what you do is go to the airport and get a little drunk. Then you crawl up the leg of a hot flight attendant and go to sleep. When you wake up you'll be here nice and warm."

So the next summer the first flea arrives cold, shivering, and shaking. The second flea asks "What’s wrong didn't you take my advice?"

The first flea answers "I did what you said to do, then the next thing I know I'm riding down here on the mustache of a guy on a motorcycle."

Rectum Stretcher

Early one morning, a rookie cop was on radar duty under a bridge, when he observed a red Corvette, traveling at a ridiculous speed. Upon pulling the car over he asked the driver, " What's the hurry, Buddy?"

The driver calmly replied, " I'm late for work."

"Oh yeah, what exactly do you do?" asked the Cop.

"I’m a Rectum Stretcher," the driver says. "I stick one finger in the rectum, wriggle it around, and then when it's stretched large enough I move on to two fingers and so on until I make the rectum about 6 feet."

"What the hell do you do with a 6 foot ass?” the Cop inquired.

"Well, apparently you give him a radar gun and tell him to hide under a bridge..."

5th DUI

A guy gets pulled over for speeding 88 MPH in a 45 zone. The cop asks for his drivers license and the guy says, "I'm sorry officer, but my license was suspended after my 5th DUI."

The cop asks for his registration and the guy says, "It's in the glove compartment, but it's not in my name because I stole this car in a car jacking and I killed the woman that owns the car and stuffed her in the trunk and the gun I used is in the glove compartment. At this point the cop tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and he radios for back-up.

When a supervisor shows up, the cop tells him the story and he walks up to the guy in the car. The supervisor asks to see the guy's drivers license and the guy hands it over and it is valid with the guys real name and information.

The supervisor asks for the registration and the guy says, "It's in the Glove compartment."

The supervisor tells the guy to keep his hands in sight and walks around to the passenger side and opens the glove compartment. There is the registration in the guys name and everything seems in order.

Next the supervisor asks the guy to get out and open the trunk. The guy opens the trunk and the only thing there is a spare tire.At this point the supervisor tells the guy what the other cop had told him.

The guy says "I'll bet that lying S.O.B. told you I was speeding too!"

Best Pick-Up Lines LOL

Man: "Hey baby, can I give you an Australian kiss?"
Woman: "What's that?"
Man: "It's like a French Kiss, only down under!"

Man: Are you a Captain?
Woman: No
Man: Cause my Privates are under your command!

Man: "Your place or mine?"
Woman: "Both. You go to yours and I'll go to mine."

Man: "I know how to please a woman."
Woman: "Then please leave me alone."

Man: Do you work for the U.P.S. Company?
Woman: No, why?
Man: Cause I thought I saw you checking out my package.

Want to play army? I can lay down and you can blow the hell out of me.

I am fighting the urge to make you the happiest woman in the world tonight.

Know what I like even better than roses on my piano? Tulips on my organ!

5-One Liner

What has 75 balls and screws old ladies?..... Bingo!

How do you make Winnie the Pooh mad?..... Stick 2 fingers in his honey.

Two men walk into a bar; the second one should have seen it coming!

Isn’t it amazing that they had computers way back in the time of Adam and Eve? Eve had and apple, and Adam had a Wang!

Stress is when you wake up screaming and realize that you haven’t fallen asleep yet.

Getting Married

Little Johnny and the little girl next door are in love. One day Johnny goes to his mother and tells her that the two are getting married.

She thinks this is absolutely adorable and asks "Well Johnny where are the two of you going to live?"

He says they can live in her room. "And how are you going to support your new wife?" Johnny's mother asks.

Johnny tells her "The two of their allowances combined should be enough to support two six year olds."

"Well what will you do if you have a baby?"

Johnny look at her, shrugs his shoulders and says, “Well we've been lucky so far!"

Little Jon

Little Jon goes to school on day and his Dad tells the teacher Jon has a gambling problem and might bet the kids for their lunch money. The teacher said, "I can handle it."

Well later that day Jon’s Dad gets a call from Jon’s teacher. "I think I've cured Jon’s betting problem." said the teacher.

"How?" Asked Jon’s Dad.

"Well he bet me ten bucks there was a mole on my ass and, I took him to the teachers lounge and showed him there wasn’t one there; and took the ten bucks."

"Damn, he bet me fifty bucks he would see the teachers ass before the day was through."

Best Present

A guy wanted to buy a gift for his new girl friend's birthday and as they had only started dating, after careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: personal, but not too personal. Accompanied by the girl friend's younger sister, he went to Herrod's and bought a pair of white gloves. The sister purchased a pair of panties for herself. During the wrapping, however, the clerk got the items mixed up and the sister got the gloves and the girl friend got the panties. The guy sent the package to the girl friend with the following note:

I chose these because I noticed you are not in the habit of wearing any in the evening. If it had not been for your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with the buttons, but she wears the short ones that are easier to remove. These are a delicate shade, but the sales clerk that helped me has a pair that she has been wearing for the past three weeks and they are hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart. I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt other hands will come into contact with them before I have a chance to see you again. When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing. Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I hope you will wear them for me Friday night.

All my love.

PS: The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur showing.

Worse Life

There is a hot dog, a cucumber, and a dick.

The hot dog said, "My life is very bad. People put ketchup, mustard, and relish and then they eat me."

Then the cucumber said "My life is worse, People chop me up put me in dill brine and pickle me."

Then the dick said, "My life is the worst ever! They shove me into a plastic tube, put me in a tunnel and make me do jumping-jacks until I puke."

Little Tommy

Little Tommy hears his parents fighting, "You Bitch, You Bastard" and little Tommy says, "What does that mean?"

"Grandma and Grandpa, son."

He goes and plays out side and hears these guys talking, "Yeah so I said c'mon stick your dick in my pussy." He asks, "What is dick and pussy."

The guys turn around surprised and quickly say, "Hat and coat."

Back in the house he goes upstairs to find his dad shaving. His dad cuts himself and says, "SHIT!"

"What does that mean Daddy?"

"Oh, um, shaving cream." little Tommy goes down stairs to watch his mom who is stuffing the turkey. Her ring gets caught and she says, "FUCK!"

Little Tommy says, "What does that mean Mommy?"

"Stuffing, son stuffing." Then the doorbell rings and Tommy goes to open it. It's his grandparents.

Little Tommy says "Hi Bitch, hi Bastard, can I take your dick and pussy? Dad's upstairs putting shit all over his face and Mom's in the kitchen fucking the turkey!"

Upstairs

A man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The barman charges him 10 cents. Confused, but not complaining, the man pays. After a while he decides to have another, and some food, so he orders another beer and a steak. The barman charges him 25 cents, 10 for the beer and 15 for the food.

After finishing his food and drink, he calls the barman over and says, "Mate, that was the best steak I've ever had. I want to talk to the manager and thank him."

"No problem," says the barman. "He's upstairs with my wife."

"What's he doing upstairs with your wife?" asks the man.

"Probably the same thing I'm doing to his business down here!"

Not So Tough

At the end of the night a man leaves the bar. Outside he sees a nun. He walks over to her and slaps her in the face. Then he punches her in the stomach and knocks her over.

He proceeds to kick her several times and when he's done he bends down to her and says, "not so tough tonight, are you Batman?"

Jar of 20s

A guy walks into a bar and, and notices that behind the bartender there is a big gigantic jar full of 20-dollar bills. So the guy asks

Guy: Hey bartender what’s all the money for?

Bartender: Well mister, we have a little contest going on.

Guy: Oh yea, what is it?

Bartender: Well, for 20 dollars, u have to go down to the end of the bar and knock that big fellow there out in one punch.
The guy takes a look down at the end of the bar and sees a big, muscular looking guy.

Guy: Well, I think I could take him.

Bartender: Hold on there partner, there's more. You see that door over there behind you?

Guy: Yea I see it.

Bartender: Well I got a pit-bull in there with a rotten tooth and u got to yank it out.
The guy thinks for a little while and replies

Guy: You know what I'm not of afraid of any dog I could do that.

Bartender: Wait a second there partner; there is one more task.

Guy: Then hurry up and tell me!

Bartender: Why do you see that door to the right of the pit-bull?

Guy: Yea

Bartender: Why I got my 70-year-old grandma in there and you got to make love to her.

Guy: I’M OUTTA THIS BET!

But after a couple of hours of drinking at the bar, the guy gets piss drunk. He goes over to the bartender and slaps 20 bucks on the table goes to the end of the bar and WHAM, knocks the big guy out in one punch. Then the guy slowly walks to the door with the pit-bull...He opens the door and steps in...All of a sudden its quite and all the bartender can hear is the growling and barking of an angry dog. The bartender listens closer and can hear things falling and breaking inside the room. Then after awhile the bartender hears the dog whimpering in fear and pain. Then the door opens...The guy slowly crawls out of the room...his clothes are torn and his leg and arms are all bloody...The guy slowly gets up and looks at the bartender:

Guy: Now where's the old bitch with the rotten tooth.

Condoms with Insecticide

A man walks into a pharmacy and asks for some condoms with insecticide.

I think you mean "spermicidal," says the cashier.

"No", he says, "I need condoms with insecticide, my wife has a bug up her ass and I'm going in after it."

Naughty Neighbor

A woman gets out of the bath and puts on a towel. Her husband comes into the bathroom to go to the toilet. The doorbell rings. The woman goes to answer it wearing only the towel. She opens the door to find her next door neighbor Bob standing on the doorstep.

Bob whistles and says "I'll give you $200 if you drop the towel."

The woman doesn't want to miss out on $200, so she drops the towel. Bob takes a good look at the naked woman then says his goodbyes and leaves. As the woman closes the door her husband comes down stairs.

"Who was that?" He asks.

"It was Bob." She says.

"Oh right, did he give you that $200 that he owes me?"

Three Wishes

An old woman is sitting in a rocking chair on her porch, petting her cat, Fu-Fu.

A fairy appears and says, ”I’m here to grant you three wishes.”

The old woman says, “I wish I was twenty-years old and beautiful again.” Poof! She is.
“Now I wish I had a million dollars and this old house was a mansion.” Poof! Done.
“And now I wish that Fu-Fu was the handsomest man ever and deeply in love with me.” Poof! Suddenly she’s in the arms of a gorgeous man.

He kisses her and says, “Darling, aren’t you sorry you had me fixed?”

Shut Up

Two guys are in a strip joint and one is seating in front of the other, a woman comes on to the stage and starts to strip the guy in the back says "Oh yeah oh yeah."

The other guy turns around and says, "Hey bro shut up."

then two women come on the stage and start stripping. He once again starts "OOOH yeah baby."

Once again the guy in the front turns around and tells him to be quite. Then three women come out and start stripping but the guy stays silent, and the guy in front yells "Hey where's all your excitement now?"

He replies, "All over your back!"

10 More Confucius Say...

.....Virginity like bubble, one small prick and it gone.
.....Girl who sits on judge's lap, gets honorable discharge.
.....It is better to puke while pooping than poop while puking
.....Man who like 69, always sticking his nose where it not wanted. (LOVE this one :))
.....Man who puts hand in bush not always gardener!
.....Man who wants pretty nurse, must be patient.
.....Man who eat many prunes get good run for his money.
.....Man who feel woman on period get caught red handed.
.....Man who fart in church sit in own pew.
.....Man who lay girl on bed spring, this spring; get offspring, next spring.

Selling Books

A guy with a speech impediment (he stutters) gets a job selling books door-to-door. On his first day, the sales manager gives him some books and sends him out and a five o’clock the salesman returns with all receipts, no books.

The second day, the sales manager loads him up with more books than the firs day and sends him out. The salesman, returns at five o’clock with all the receipts, no books.

This goes on for a few days, and the sales manager calls him in and says, “This is truly amazing, In a few days you have sold more books than my top salesman does in a week. What’s your sales pitch?”

“W-w-well,” says the salesman, “I s-s-say, ‘D-d-do, y-y-you w-w-want t-t-to b-b-buy a b-b-b-book or d-d-do y-y-you w-want m-me t-to r-read it t-to y-you?

Persian-Rug Store

A woman visits a very posh Persian-rug store. She spots the perfect rug, walks over to inspect it, and as she bends down to feel the texture, she rips a giant fart. She looks behind her to see if anybody heard it, and all seems fine, but when she turns back around, there’s a salesman standing next her.

She says, “Umm, how much does this rug cost?”

The salesman says, “Lady, if you farted just from touching it, you’re gonna shit when you hear the price.”

Not Guilty

A young woman boarded a bus while highly pregnant. She was very conscious about people around her. She noticed a young man looking at her and smiling. She felt humiliated and moved to a different seat, which only broadened the man's smile. She moved again, and on her fourth move he burst out laughing. She complained to the driver, who called the police, and the man was arrested.

When the case came before the court the judge gave the man the opportunity to defend his rude behavior. He explained his action this way: "When the lady boarded the bus I couldn't help noticing that she was pregnant. She sat under an advertisement, which read 'Coming soon: The Gold Dust Twins', then she moved under one which read 'Sloan’s' Liniments Remove Swellings'".

"I was even more amused when she sat under a shaving ad which read: 'William Stick Did The Trick'. I'm sorry, but I couldn't control myself any longer when, on the fourth move, she sat under an advertisement which read: 'Dunlop Rubber Would Have Prevented this Accident'".

The judge found him not guilty!!!

Hunting for Food

There was an Indian, a caveman, and a cowboy. One day they ran out of food and decided to go hunting. The Indian went out and got a bear, the caveman and the cowboy said, "How did you get that?"

He said, ”Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get bear."

So the next day the cowboy went out and got a deer, the caveman said, ”How did you get that?"

He said "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get deer."

So when the caveman got backs from his hunt all bloody, and disfigured.

The Indian and cowboy said, ”How did that happen?"

The caveman replied, "Me find tracks, me follow tracks, me get hit by train!"

10 Confucius say jokes...

......Man who puts dick in Peanut Butter jar is Fucking Nuts.
......Man with tool in woman's mouth is not necessarily a dentist.
......Couple on 7 day honeymoon make hole weak.
......Man who excels at putting worm on hook is master baiter.
......Man who stands on toilet, is high on pot.
......Man who have sex in strawberry patch get ass in jam.
......Woman who go out on boat with seven fisherman come home with one red snapper.
......He who fishes in others' holes often catches crabs.
......Man with hand in pocket....feel cocky all day!
......Panties not best thing on earth, but next to it.