The Moral of the Story 4

An old farmer in Georgia had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.

One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn't been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.

He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond. One of the women shouted to him, "We're not coming out until you leave!"

The old man replied, "I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked. I'm here to feed the alligator."

Old age and cunning will triumph over youth and enthusiasm every time.

Weight Loss

A man was looking through the newspaper and saw that he could lose 10 pounds in 2 days. He didn't believe but called anyway. The next day the man's weight loss product was there. It was a beautiful woman wearing nothing other than running shoes and a sign saying, "If you can catch me, you can have me.“ So the man chases her for a few hours then gets her. So then he has sex with her. Same thing happens the next day but it took him a little longer.

He calls the company again and asks, "Do you have a longer trial?" The man gives him a 5-day trial. The same woman arrives at the door and the same thing happens as last time except for 5 days this time.

The man called the company once again and asked happily "Do you have a longer trial than 5 days?"

So the operator says, "yes, we have a 7 day trial but it is harsh."

The man says "I'll take it."

The next day he answers the door waiting for the woman but, it is Richard Simmons wearing nothing, but running shoes and a sign saying "if I catch you I can have you..."

Don't Step on a Duck

There was a huge wreck on the freeway early one morning. Three women were killed and went to the Pearly Gates. St. Peter met them there and told each of them to be very careful to not step on a duck. They were everywhere! He told them they would be punished accordingly.

Well Lady #1 step on a duck within the first 30 minutes. So St. Peter came walking toward her with the most ugly man she had ever seen in her life and He handcuffed him to her for eternity. Lady #2 was a little more careful and it took her until the next day before she stepped on one, but the same happened to her, she was handcuffed to the ugliest and most repulsive man she had ever seen. Lady #3 was hoping to be so careful not to step on any since she had seen what had happened to the other two.

Four weeks later she saw St. Peter walking her way with the most handsome and sexiest man she had ever seen. And they were handcuffed together for eternity, She looked at him and smiled "Well I don't know what I have done to deserve such luck."

He said to her "I don't know about you but I stepped on 2 ducks."

Priceless

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!

Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the mirror: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping-Love you!"

He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper. His son is also at the table. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"

"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."

"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"

His son replies, "Oh THAT! Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady! I'm married!"

Broken furniture - $855.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$0.38
Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless.

Premature Ejaculation

A man was having problems with premature ejaculation so he decided to go to the doctor. He asked the doctor what he could do to cure his problem. In response, the doctor said, "When you feel like you are getting ready to ejaculate, try startling yourself."

That same day, the man went to the store and bought himself a starter pistol. All excited to try this suggestion, he ran home to his wife. At home, he found his wife was in bed, and waiting. Making love, they found themselves in the 69 position. Moments later, her husband felt the sudden urge to ejaculate so he reached over, grabbed the starter pistol and fired it.

The next day, the man went back to the doctor. The doctor asked, "How did it go?"

The man answered, "Not all that well...When I fired the pistol, my wife peed in my face, bit 3 inches off my penis and my neighbor came out of the closet with his hands in the air!"

The Screw

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl father answers and invites him in."Carrie's not ready yet, so sit down for a moment?" he says.

"That's really cool,” says Bobby.

Carrie's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they may go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds, "Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it." Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby, so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw, she'll screw all night if she gets a chance!"

Well this made Bobby's eyes light up, and he immediately revised his plans for the evening. A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out of the front door.

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly disheveled Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, "DAMMIT DADDY! THE TWIST!! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!!"

Lost Puppy

A young woman had lost her precious puppy. She pinned up signs and posters and went door-to-door asking about her precious puppy.

When she came to a door, a man appeared and asked, “What are you doing here?“

She asked back, “Have you seen my Titswiggle?"

The man replied with a red face "Yes, I watch you through my bedroom window before I go to bed."

Grumpy Mr. Periwinkle

Old Mr. Periwinkle was the nastiest, meanest patient in the hospital. So one day, Betty, the head nurse, decided to try and cheer him up. She brings him a beautiful bouquet of flowers and sets them down on his bedside table. Mean old Mr. Periwinkle promptly picks them up, throws them up against the wall, breaks the vase and flowers go everywhere. Betty patiently cleans up the mess and leaves the room.

Later in the day, Betty comes back in and says to Mr. Periwinkle, "It's time to take your temperature, Mr. Periwinkle."

He grumpily opens his mouth but Betty says, "No, not this time Mr. Periwinkle. We have to check it in the other end this time."

Grumbling, Mr. Periwinkle turns over and sticks his rear end up in the air. Betty sticks it in and leaves the room. A while later, Dr. Brown is walking past Mr. Periwinkles room and looks in. He does a double take and walks in his room.

"Mr. Periwinkle, what are you doing?" he says.

"Oh that old nurse is taking my temperature." he replies.

To which Dr. Brown says, "With a daisy?"

Daughters Names

A man is watching TV and one of his daughters comes up to him and asks,” Daddy, why did you name me Rose?”

"Because when you were born, a beautiful rose petal fell on your head and we just had to name you Rose," he replies.

The next daughter shows up and asks, “Daddy, why did you name me Lily?”

“Because when you were born a water lily petal fell on your head and we decided to name you Lily.”

In the other room you hear "aaaaaaahhhhhkuidkasdhfasf, hjkhhksejhhffukfpaoe", and the father yells,” SHUT UP CINDERBLOCK

He Doesn't Need It

Mr. Jones died. Later that night the funeral home calls Mrs. Jones, "So sorry to bother you in your time of grieving, Mrs. Jones, but as you know, your husband died with an erection and we can't close the casket. What would you like us to do?"

"Well," said Mrs. Jones, "He doesn't really need it anymore, so just cut it off."

The man from the funeral home says ok, and then hangs up. A few hours later he calls back. "So sorry to bother you in your time of grieving, Mrs. Jones, but what should we do with it?"

Mrs. Jones says, "Well, He should die with it, so just shove it up his ass."

The man from the funeral home says ok, and then hangs up. The next day at the funeral, Mrs. Jones walks up to her beloved husband, looks down at him lovingly, and she notices a tear in his eye.

So she leans down close and says, "IT HURTS, DON'T IT!!!!"

Discussing Anatomy

A family is sitting around the supper table discussing anatomy. Suddenly the son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of breasts are there?"

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated the wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kind of penises are there?"

The mother, smiles, and looks at her husband and answers, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In a man's twenties, his penis is like an oak, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up & the balls are there for decoration only!"

Viagra Medical Names

In pharmacology, all drugs have a generic name: Tylenol is acetaminophen, Aleve is naproxen, Amoxil is amoxicillin, Advil is ibuprofen, and so on. The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra, and announced that it has settled on mycoxafloppin. Also considered were mycoxafailin, mydixadrupin, mydixarizin, mydixadud, dixafix, and of course, ibepokin.

My Fire Truck

A firefighter is at the station house working outside on the fire truck when he notices a little girl next door. The little girl is in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side. She is wearing a Firefighter's hat and has the wagon tied to a dog.

The firefighter says "Hey, little girl, whatcha doing?"

The little girl says, "I'm a firefighter and this is my Fire truck!"

The firefighter walks over to take a closer look. "Little girl, that sure is a nice fire truck!" the firefighter says.

"Thanks, mister" says the little girl. The firefighter looks a little closer and notices the little girl had tied the wagon to the dog's testicles.

"Little girl" says the firefighter "I don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the dog's neck, I think you could go faster."

The little girl says "You're probably right, mister, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Tight Skirt

A nice looking woman wearing a very tight leather skirt was standing in line to board a bus in Houston Texas. When her turn came to get on the bus she went to step up but her skirt was too tight and she could not. She smiled at the bus driver and reached behind her to unzip her skirt just a little to give her enough movement to step up onto the platform. She tried a second time and still her skirt was too tight, so again she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more. When she stepped up the third time she still could not reach the step do to her tight skirt. So smiling at the bus driver again she reached behind her for the third time and lowered her zipper even more. It was no use. Her skirt was still too tight to give her enough legroom to step up.

All at once the big burly Texan behind her gently grabbed her around the waist and lifted her onto the bus platform. The woman whirled around in a rage. "HOW DARE YOU TOUCH ME LIKE THAT! We don't even know each other!"

The Texan smiled and said, "Well mam, normally I'd say the same thing. But I thought we were at least friends after the third time you reached behind you and unzipped my fly!"

Dun in Texas

A cowboy rode into town and stopped at a saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on strangers. When he finished his drink, he found his horse had been stolen. He went back into the bar, handily flipped his gun into the air, caught it above his head without even looking and fired a shot into the ceiling.

"Which one of you sidewinders stole my horse?" he yelled forcefully.

No one answered. "All right, I'm gonna have another beer, and if my horse isn’t back outside by the time I finish, I'm gonna do what I dun in Texas! And I don't like to have to do what I dun in Texas!"

Some of the locals shifted restlessly. The man, true to his word, had another beer, walked outside, and his horse had been returned to the post. He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, "Say partner, before you go, what happened in Texas?"

The cowboy turned back and said, "I had to walk home."

Running Red Lights

This man was driving on the highway and runs a red light. The passenger says "Didn't you see that light? It was red."

The driver says "my brother runs reds all the time

So then they come to a nother red light and runs the red light. Once again the passenger says "
"Didn't you see that red light?"

The driver once again says "My brother does it all the time."

So then they come up to a GREEN light and they stop. Then The passenger says "The light is green, you can go."

Then the driver says "My brother might be coming."

You Ain't Catching Nothing

A young boy was walking down the road one day carrying an armload of duct tape and passed an old man on his front porch.

The old man asked the boy "Where the hell are you going with all that duct tape boy?

The boy replied, "I"m going to catch me some ducks!"

"You ain't catching nothing' with duct tape boy!" the old man exclaimed as the boy passed. About a half hour later the boy comes walking back passed with an armload of ducks and just peers at the old man.

The next day the little boy is walking past the old man with an arm load of chicken wire, and the old man asks "Where you going with that chicken wire boy?”

"I'm going to catch me some chickens!" the boy replied.

The old man screams as he passes "You a'int catching no chickens with that wire boy!" About a half hour later the boy passes back by the old man again with a catch, an armload of chickens.

So the next day the little boy comes walking past the old man with an armload of pussy willow and the old man yells, "Wait boy! I'll get my coat!"

Small Wooden Ball

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

Everybody Grives in Their Own Ways

There were these three homosexuals at a crematory grieving over their loved ones.

The first one says to the others, "I'm going to spread my lover's ashes over the hill we used to lay and watch the sunset. It was sooo beautiful."

The other homo says, "I'm going to spread my lover's ashes over our garden we used to have. We would always smell the roses."

The third one says, "I'm going to mix my lover's ashes into a bowl of chili and eat him." The other two look at him in disgusting and say what a horrible lover he is.

He replies, " I just want to feel him tear the hell out of my ass one more time!"

Bill Gates

I was in the airport VIP lounge in route to Seattle a couple of weeks ago. While in there, I noticed Bill Gates sitting comfortably in the corner, enjoying a drink. I was meeting a very important client who was also flying to Seattle, but she was running a little bit late.

Well, being a straightforward kind of guy, I approached the Microsoft chairman, introduced myself, and said, "Mr. Gates, I wonder if you would do me a favor."

"Yes?"

"I'm sitting right over there," pointing to my seat at the bar, "and I'm waiting on a very important client. Would you be so kind when she arrives as to come walk by and just say, 'Hi, Ray,'?"

"Sure."

I shook his hand and thanked him and went back to my seat. About ten minutes later, my client showed up. We ordered a drink and started to talk business. A couple of minutes later, I felt a tap on my shoulder. It was Bill Gates.

"Hi, Ray," he said.

I replied, "Get lost Gates, I'm in a meeting."

Half A Turn

One day a priest was driving to the shops when he realized that he had a flat tire. A regular churchgoer sees the priest on the side of the road and pulls over to give him a hand. He changes the tire and tightens up the nuts.

The priest turns to him and asks "If that would be tight enough?"

The man replies "It's as tight as a Nuns pussy!"

The priest laughs as he says "Oh Well, you had better give it another half a turn"!

Headache

The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice, but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ...size 44 long."

Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?"

Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let’s see...34 sleeve and 16 and a half. Neck."

Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?"

Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure."The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9- ½ E."

Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?"

Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see...size 36."

Joe laughed, "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."

Bald Head

A man had two Parrots, and he was having difficulties figuring out which is a male and which is a female. One day coming back from work he saw that one of the parrots was on top of the other. He caught the one on top and shaved his head, giving him a bald head, thinking, now he could identify which is the male or female.

The following day a friend of the owner of the parrot, who was bald, came looking for the man, the parrot called out to him.

"Hey mister" when the man turned, the parrot said, "where you caught fucking too?"