Timbuktu

One day there were two college students in a poetry contest. One was a respected English major from Harvard and the other was from the boonies in the south. They were the final contestants when the judges said, "Okay, now you have to say a poem and end it in Timbuktu."

So the English Major steps up and says, "Camels move across the sand, on like a caravan, on to Timbuktu." The judges clap and tales their scores.

Next the student from the boonies steps up and says, "A hunting' me and Tim went, we found some whore's in a pop up tent, them was three and we was two, I buck one and TIM BUCK TWO."

Lil Billy

One day, during English class, Miss Smith asked her class, "Who can tell me the meaning of indifferent?"

The class fidgets a little, and they all look at one another.

No one knows. Finally, Little Billy puts up his hand. The teacher, hesitant to call on him because of his propensity for foul language and sexual innuendo, looks for another student to ask. Finally, when no one else raises their hand, she says, "Yes, Billy?"

"Miss Smith, it's means lovely."

Relieved, but a little puzzled, the teacher says, "Billy, can you explain why you think indifferent means lovely?"

"Sure, teach. Last night when I was in bed, I heard Mommy say, 'That's lovely'."

Then Daddy said, 'Yep, it's in different."

Strip Joint

Three guys went to a striptease joint. The young lady on stage, wearing only thongs and a smile came up to the First guy and perform her dance for him. He took out $100.00, and slapped it on her right cheek, it, stuck.

Then she proceeded to the Second guy did her same dance and the Second guy took out $100.00 and slapped it on her left cheek, it stuck.

She then went to the Third guy and performs her dance. The Third guy pulled out his wallet, only to realize that he did not have any cash so he took his visa card and swipe.

Catches Most Fish

Two women are fishing. Lisa always catches the most fish. Wanda asked her, "How do you do it? Every time we go fishing you always catch the most fish."

Lisa replied, "When I wake up in the morning if my husbands thing is hanging off to the left, I fish off the left side of the boat. If his thing is hanging off to the right I fish off the right side of the boat."

Wanda says, "What if his thing is standing straight up?”

Lisa says, "Then you don't go fishing!"

Hiking up a Mountain

A guy is hiking up a mountain when he sees a girl standing at the edge of a cliff, crying.

"Hey," he says, "if you're going to jump, how about giving me a blow job before you do it?"

"My life's been nothing but crap," says the girl. "So I might as well."

After the girl's done, the guy says, "Wow, that was great! Why are you so depressed, anyway?"

The girl replies, "My family disowned me for dressing like a woman."

Good Girl and a Nice Girl:

What's the difference between a good girl and a nice girl:

A nice girl goes out on a date, goes home, and goes to bed.

A good girl goes out on a date, goes to bed, and then goes home.

Drive Your Wife Wild

Three guys are sitting in a bar having a few drinks together. One guy says, "So tell me, what do you do to drive your wife wild?"

"Well," says the second guy, "After making love, I go out to the garden and pick some roses. Then I take the petals off and sprinkle them all over her body. Then I blow them off with a soft breath that drives her wild."

Next guy says, "After making love, I get some baby oil and massage it gently all over her body, and that drives her wild!"

Last guy says, "When me and the old lady are through, I jump out of bed and wipe my dick on the curtain. Drives her fucking nuts!"

$500

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her dress. Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his head on the table and merged red-faced. Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments.

Bill's wife followed and asked "Did you see anything that you liked under there?" Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed he did.

She said, "Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500." After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of this offer, John confirms that he is interested.

She tells him that since her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 PM sharp and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house, asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for few minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

With a satisfied look on his face, Bill surprised his wife by saying "Good I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

The Lottery

A blond woman named Brandi finds herself in dire trouble. Her business has gone bust and she's in serious financial trouble. She's so desperate that she decides to ask God for help. She begins to pray..."God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto."

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it. Brandi again prays "God, please let me win the lotto! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well."

Lotto night comes and Brandi still has no luck. Once again, she prays..."My God, why have you forsaken me? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My children are starving. I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Brandi is confronted by the voice of God Himself: "Brandi, You have to meet me halfway on this... You have to buy a ticket."

Almost Every Night

A 70-year-old man has never been married. One day he meets a beautiful 17-year-old girl, and it is love at first sight. They get married and go to Florida for their honeymoon.

When they get back, his friend says to him, "So, tell me, how was it?"

"Oh, it was beautiful," says the man.

"The sun, the surf, we made love almost every night, we--"

His friend interrupts him. "A man your age! How did you make love almost every night?"

"Oh," says the man, "we almost made love Monday, we almost made love Tuesday..."

Buys me Flowers

Two girlfriends where walking down the street and one sees her boyfriend in a flower store buying flowers and tells her friend "Shit I hate when my boyfriend buys me flowers he always expects something from me.”

Her friend says "What’s wrong with that I think its sweet."

The girl says "I am tired of laying on my back with my legs spread open for three days.”

Her friend replies "Why don't you just buy a vase..."

Blow-Jobs

Three men are walking down the street, the first guy sees a sign that says 'Blow-Jobs: $25' he goes in comes out (looking very happy) and the other two guys are like “What happened?"

The guy replies “Well first she pulled down my pants, put chocolate ice cream on it and then she sucked it off."

They keep walking down the street and the second guy sees a second sign ‘blow-jobs: $50' he goes in comes out (looking very happy) and he tells the other two what happened.

“First she pulled off my pants, put vanilla ice cream on it and whip cream then she sucked it off.”

They are walking down the road again and the third guy sees a third sign that says 'blow-jobs: $75' he goes in comes out and he looks very sad.

The other two asked, "What happened?"

He replied "Well first she put strawberry ice cream on it then whip cream and a cherry."

The guys say "so....."

He said, "Well it looked so good I ate it"

I'll Sue

A rich slut and a poor slut were standing next to the road when the poor slut asked the rich slut "Where do you get all the money from?"

"That's easy" replied the rich slut, "Just before you have sex, stick an elastic band up your arse, with the movement the elastic band will ping and you shout OW, my back! and you sue the guy."

"Thanks." says the poor slut and rushes home and starts looking around but she can't find an elastic band, all she can find is a catapult. So, with a major struggle she got it up. She went down the spot where she had been standing and almost immediately a car pulled up.

The two went back to the guy's home and they went down to business and suddenly, PING! The catapult had shot and the slut yelled "OW, my back! I'll sue you for this!"

The man replied "Never mind your back, my balls just went out the window!"

Not all blondes are dumb

Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice.

She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."

With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"

Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!"

She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.

Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"

The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"

It's Dark in Here

A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch. The woman's husband also comes home so she puts her lover in the closet not realizing that her son is hiding in there.

The little boy says ''It's dark...in here''

The man replies ''Yes, it is''
Boy "I have a baseball."
Man "That's nice."
Boy "Want to buy it?"
Man "No, thanks."
Boy "My dad's outside."
Man "OK, how much?"
Boy "$250"

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together once again.
Boy "Dark in here."
Man "Yes, it is."
Boy "I have a baseball glove."
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?"
Boy "$750"
Man "Fine."

A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab
your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch."
The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove."
The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?"
Boy "$1,000"
The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that... that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess."
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, "Dark in here."
The priest says, "Don't start that shit again!''

Frigging Ice Cream Truck

A middle-aged lady was in Europe when she learned that her 100-year-old grand father had died. She was unable to get an immediate flight so; the funeral was over when she reached home. She immediately went to console her 98-year-old grandmother.

She asked, “What happened granny?"

Granny said, "It was Sunday morning and we were having sex as we did every Sunday when the church bells started to ring. Poppa was great at keeping rhythm with the slow toll of the church bells, you know, ding in and dong out. I think he might have avoided that fatal heart attach if that frigging ice cream truck hadn't passed. His heart just couldn't stand the pace."

Let’s Play a Game

A man has a small dick and is embarrassed to tell his girlfriend so he says to her "Let’s play a game"

"You take off your clothes shut your eyes and let me feel a body part and guess which part it is "

she said "OK." So they went in to the bedroom She took her top off and let her boyfriend feel her breast.

He guessed the right part and said; "All right my turn" close your eyes. He takes his pants off and puts his dick in her hand. she

Jerking her hand away "man, you know I don't smoke"

Chastity Belt

Before going to war, in the kingdom of Camelot the King had his Queen wear a chastity belt in order to keep her faithful. Upon his return, he asked all his men to drop their pants.

To his surprise all but one had their penis cut off showing their betrayal. To the intact one he said: “for your loyalty I will cover you with gold.”

“Thanklou thir,” the man replied.

Bell System

This fireman comes home from work and tells his wife about the bell system they have at the station and proceeds to explain; bell one we slide down the poll. Bell two we get dressed for the fire. Bell three we get on the truck and go. Lets try a system like that when I come home and say bell one you strip and when I say bell two we go to the bedroom and when I say bell three we can be wild the rest of the night. His wife agrees to try.

So the next night the husband comes home and yells bell one the wife strips then he yells bell two and they go back to the bedroom, he then yells bell three and they start having sex.

Well a few minutes pass and the wife yells bell four. The husband asks "What’s bell four?" and the wife says “Not enough hose to reach the fire.”

How was your day

One-day tits, ass, and pussy were all having a nice day. Tits asked ass how was her day, she replied, “boring as ever. I did nothing but shit all day.”

Then ass asked tits how was their day, they replied, "oh nothing, just a little wet from here and there and always being held”.

Pussy was so quiet, so tits and ass asked pussy how was her day, and she replied, “It was terrible, some big guy busted through the door, pinned me on the wall, and spit in my face.”

Thank You Notes

On their wedding night the husband was so self-conscious about the smallness of his penis that before undressing, he snapped off the light. Once he was in bed, he unzipped his pants and handed his member to his bride.


“That’s thoughtful, darling,” she cooed, “but we’ll need the light if you want to write thank you notes.”

State-of-the-art

A rather confident man walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance, then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No", he replies, "I just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," he explains.

"What's it telling you now?" she asks.

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken then because I am wearing panties!"

The man explains, "Damn thing must be an hour fast."

Movie Theater

Two perverts are watching a film in a movie theater.

When Julia Roberts appears on the screen, one pervert says to the other, “You know, I’ve had her three times.”

A Half hour goes by and Demi Moore is on the screen. “You know, I’ve had her four times,” the first pervert says to the second pervert.

Soon, Sharon Stone appears on the screen. The second pervert turns and says to his pal, “I guess you had her too, huh?
“Be quiet, I’m having her now.”

Love Suit

A mother-in-law stopped by her daughter-in-law's house, to give her some fruit. When her daughter-in-law opened the door, she was naked! "Oh my gosh! Why aren't you wearing anything?" exclaimed the mother-in-law.

Very surprised, and shocked. "I'm wearing my love suit," replied the daughter-in-law.

"You are crazy!" yelled the mother-in-law, and with that she left.

A while later, she thought to herself that wearing a love suit wasn't such a bad idea so, she decided to try it. In the evening, when her husband opened the door, he exclaimed, "My god! Why are you naked? You are crazy!"

She replied, "I'm wearing my love suit!" and he said, "Hmmm, it needs ironing!"

Who like Sex More?

A man and a woman are having some drinks and they get into a discussion about who enjoys sex more.

The man says, “ Men obviously enjoy sex more than women. Why do you think we’re so obsessed with getting laid?”

“That does not prove anything,” says the woman. “Think about this; when your ear itches and you put your little finger in it and wiggle it around, then pull it out, which feels better, your ear or your finger?”

Menu Says!

A waitress walking to a table in a restaurant sees 4 foreign businessmen, furiously jerking off. She takes their orders and before walking back she asks the businessmen "Gentlemen, may I ask you, why are you so frantically jerking off? "


The businessmen reply "Menu says, first come first served”

Breakfast Naked

An elderly couple was celebrating their 75th wedding anniversary. They came to the breakfast table naked, just like they had done on the morning that they were first married.

Grandma told her hubby "You know, this makes me feel all warm and tingly."

Grandpa replied "No wonder! You have one tit in your oatmeal, and the other in your tea!"

Buy Some Condoms

There are 3 guys, we'll call them Ethan, Webster, and Chris. Ethan walks up to the counter and says, "Yeah, I'd like to buy some condoms."

"What size?" the pharmacist asks.

"Well, LARGE I presume."

The pharmacist says, "Well, go see Sophie in aisle four."

Ethan goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a handful and says "Oh! That'll be a medium!"

Ethan, a bit disgusted, goes to the counter and says, "Ya ya ya, whatever. Give me a medium." And he walks out. In comes Webster.

Webster goes to the counter and says, "I need some condoms."

"And what size?" the pharmacist asks.

"I'll take LARGE!"

The pharmacist says, "Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back."

Webster goes to Sophie in aisle four, she grabs a GREAT BIG handful and says "HO! That'll be a Large!" Proud and happy, chest puffed out, Webster goes to the counter, gets his condoms and walks out. In comes Chris.

He approaches the counter rather nervously. Scratching his head he asks, "Yeah, um, I uh, I need some condoms."


"CONDOMS?!" The pharmacist says sarcastically "Well, what size?!"

Confused, Chris says "Gee, I uh, I don't know. I've never done this before."

The pharmacist tells him, "Go see Sophie in aisle four and come back."

So ol' Chris goes to Sophie in aisle four, Sophie reaches down, grabs a handful and says "CLEANUP, AISLE FOUR!"

Middle of the Night

Once in the middle of the night two little boys got up to get some water from the kitchen. On their way past their parent’s bedroom they heard a funny sound coming out from there.

The oldest boy looked into the keyhole. He backed up and said, "I can't believe it!”

The younger brother looked in after wards and said, "And she yells at me for sucking my thumb!”