Flavored Condoms

A Man comes home with some flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his wife, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the balls and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.

While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

Gas Station Contest

Two rednecks, Billy Joe and Bubba, were out driving when they noticed the gas tank was getting low, so they stopped at a local station to fill up.

After topping off the tank, they went inside to pay, where noticed a big sign on the desk: ASK ABOUT OUR FREE SEX CONTEST!

"Hey, what's that all about?" Billy Joe asked the attendant.

"Oh, that's something new we just started," the attendant replied. "The way it works is that I think of a number, and if you guess it, you get free sex."

Billy Joe and Bubba thought that was a pretty good idea, so they each took a guess.

"I'll say eight," said Billy Joe.

"Sorry," said the attendant. "It's four."

"I'll try five," said Bubba.

"Nope. It's two," the attendant replied. "But hey, come back and try again."

Billy Joe and Bubba walked away, disappointed, but they were determined to give it another try. And so the next time they were low on gas, they stopped in again. And again. After about a month, they decided to give it one last try.

"Six," Billy Joe said to the attendant. "It's gotta be six."

"I'm really sorry," said the attendant. "It was nine this time."

"Okay, I guess three," said Bubba.

"Oh, you were close," said the attendant. "It was two."

And so, the two disappointed rednecks walked back to their truck.

"You know," said Billy Joe, "I'm beginning to think that contest is rigged!"

"No," sighed Bubba. "It's for real. My wife's won seven times already."

Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the Girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Cowboy and The Mexican

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him.

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...

At the cowboys hearing the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead.

"Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad"

"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him"?, asked the Judge.

"Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass."

Onions And Christmas

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Chinese Couple

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

Condom

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"

Mommy and Daddy

Ten year old Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away, Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."

Trying to placate him, she says, "OK. I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play 'Mommy and Daddy'."

Trying not to register surprise and a bit confused about what her 10 year old son was learning in school, she decided to appease him, by saying, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."

Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs. Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.

Really confused, and now even a bit worried, his mother raises her head and says, "What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Johnny says, "Get your butt downstairs and give that kid some ice cream!"

Blank Out

My wife and I are watching 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire' while we are in bed. I turned to her and said, "Do you want to have sex?"

"No," she answered.

I then said, "Is that your final answer?"

"Yes," she replied.

Then I said, "I'd like to phone a friend."

That's the last thing I remember after waking up in Hospital.

Back at Ya

An Indian is having his breakfast (coffee, croissants, bread, butter and jam) when an American man; chewing gum, sits down next to him.

The Indian ignores the American who, nevertheless, starts a conversation.

American: "You Indians eat the whole bread?"

Indian (coolly): "Of course."

American: (after blowing a huge bubble)"We don't. In America, we only eat what's inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle it, transform them into croissants and sell them to India." The American has a smirk on his face.

The Indian munches on... gives a cold look but did not reply.

The American refuses to take the cue and persists: "Do you eat jelly with the bread??"

Indian: "Of Course."

American: (cracking his gum between his teeth and chuckling). "We don't. In America we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and left overs in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell the jam to India."

The Indian puts his coffee mug down...looks straight in the American's eye and then asks: "Do you have sex in America?"

American: "Why of course we do", the American says with a big smirk.

Indian: "And what do you do with the condoms once you've used them?"

American: "We throw them away, of course."

Indian: "We don't. In India, we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to America.

Pebbles

One day Pebbles Flintstone was in bed with Fred and Wilma. They were both naked.

Pebbles sees Fred's penis and says, "Daddy, what's that?" and Fred says "Th-that's.. .um... that's daddy's rock."

A little while later Pebbles looks down and sees Wilma's vagina.

"What's that, mommy?" she asks. "Oh.. that.. that's mommy's rock grinder."

All of a sudden Pebbles sits up and says, "I get it! Daddy puts his rock into mommy's rock grinder and out comes pebbles!"

Bad Knees

A woman went to the doctor and complained that she was suffering from knee pains.

"Do you indulge in any activity that puts a lot of pressure on your knees? asked the doctor.

"Every night, my husband and I have sex on the floor doggy style."

"I see," said the doctor. "You know, there are plenty of other sexual positions?"

"Not if you want to watch TV there ain't"

Some Quickies

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Old Italian

A salesman drove into a small town where a circus was playing. A sign read:

"Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". The salesman bought a ticket and sat down. There, under The Big Top, in the center ring, was a table with three walnuts on it. Standing next to it was an old Italian.

Suddenly, the old man dropped his pants, whipped out his huge male member and smashed all the walnuts with three mighty swings! The crowd erupted in applause and the elderly Italian was carried off on their shoulders.

Fifteen years later the salesman visited the same little town, found the same circus and saw the same faded sign that read, "Don't Miss The Amazing Italian". He couldn't believe the old guy was still alive, much less still doing his act!

He bought a ticket. Again, the center ring was illuminated. This time, however, instead of walnuts, three coconuts were placed on the table. The Italian stood before them, then suddenly dropped his pants and smashed the coconuts with three swings of his amazing member.

The crowd went wild! Flabbergasted, the salesman requested a meeting with him after the show. "You're incredible!" he told the Italian, "but I have to know something. I saw your act 15 years ago and you were using walnuts. Why the switch from walnuts to coconuts?"

"Well," said the Italian, "My eyes aren't what they used to be"

Convent Girl

A young man, with a promising career ahead of him, decided to marry a respectable convent girl, untarnished with the sins of contemporary society. After the wedding service, the bridal couple had to drive through the more unsavory areas of the city on the way to the reception.

"William, what are those women doing leaning against lampposts?"

"Oh, those are just tarts who hire their bodies out for sex at fifty dollars a time."

"Wow, fifty dollars!" exclaimed the bride, "the monks only used to give us an apple..."

Do You Know?

A guy had never had sex before, so his buddies set him up with this whore for a couple of hours. He really had NO clue, and when she sat down on the bed completely naked, she says, "Do you know what I want?"

He looks at her and says, "No" and then she lies down on the bed and starts rubbing her breasts and moaning she says, "do you know what I want?"

And he says, "No" So then she spreads her legs *wide open* and starts fingering herself and says, "NOW do you know what I want?"

And he says, "Yeah, you want the whole fucking bed to yourself!"

Lettuce

A man walked into the vegetable section of his local supermarket and asked for half a head of lettuce.

The boy working there told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.

The man was insistent that the boy asked his manager about the matter.

Walking into the back room, the boy said to his Manager, "Some tosser wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added, "And this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."

The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the Manager found the boy and said, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on their feet here. Where are you from son?"

"Originally from Essex sir," the boy replied.

"Why did you leave Essex ?" the manager asked.

The boy answered, "Sir, there's nothing but whores and footballers there."

"Really?" said the manager. "My wife is from Essex ."

"No shit!" the boy replied. "Who does she play for?"

Stranded In The Desert

Two guys are stranded in the desert dying of thirst. As they're walking along they see a little shack. They run up to it and knock on the door. This big, fat, hairy, smelly, ugly, lady answers.

The first man tells the lady about their situation and begs her for a drink.

The women says, "Sure, if you fuck me."

The first man replies, "I would rather die in this desert, then sleep with your fat smelly ass."

The second man wants to live and agrees to do the deed.

The second man and the women enter the shack, leaving the first man outside. The women says, "fuck me then!"

The man agrees to do it only if she will close her eyes.

He looks around the shack and sees a table full of corn on the cob. He picks one up, fucks her with it and throws it out the window.

The women opens her eyes and asks for it again.

The man agrees and repeats the deed.

The women is finally satisfied and agrees to give the gentleman and his friend some water. The man calls his friend in and informs him that the women is going to give them some water.

The friend replies, "Fuck the water, I want some more of that buttered corn."

Whorehouse

Little Johnny hears the word whorehouse in school and asks his father what it means. His father is quite shocked, and replies, "Well, uh, you go there to, uh, have a good time."

Johnny starts screaming and hollering that he wants to go there, too, but his father insists that he's too young.

Saturday night rolls around. Johnny's dad and a few of his friends head out to Mable's ("Liquor In The Front, Poker In The Rear! – Our Customers Come First!) for a "good time."

Naturally, Little Johnny tags along secretly.

After his dad and his dad's friends have been safely inside for some time, Little Johnny knocks on the door. The madame opens the door. "Yes?" she asks.

"I'm here to have a good time!"

The madame is a little puzzled, but, being a kind-hearted soul, invites Little Johnny inside. She gives him three donuts and then bids him goodbye.

When he gets home, his dad is frantic. (Dad obviously had come and gone at Mabel's.) "Where have you been?"

"I went to a WHOREHOUSE!" Johnny proudly boasted!

Johnny's dad blanched. "Uhh, you did? Umm, how was it?"

"Well, I managed the first two without any problem, but I just licked the third one!"

Hey Big Boy!

John decided to visit his friend, Dave,who had just moved into a new high-rise apartment building. As he parked his car and got out, he heard a woman's voice say, "Hi there, big boy."

Looking up, he saw a gorgeous lady-dressed in a shear negligee, leaning over the railing. "Come on up and see me," she purred.

John wasn't about to pass up an opportunity like that! He took the elevator to the fifth floor, and as he got off-an apartment door opened and the sexy lady beckoned him toward her. John walked over to the open door. "I've been waiting for someone like you, "the lady said as she slowly unzipped his pants.

John's pecker rose swiftly to the occasion, and the lady took it into her hand. Then she gave it a sharp whack with the other hand! John jumped back in alarm. "What the hell did you do that for?" he cried.

She answered, "That'll teach you to take my parking place!!

100 Bucks for Sex

100 Bucks For Sex
Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office...but she belonged to someone else...

One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said, "I'll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you..." but the girl said, "NO."

Johnny said, "I'll be fast, I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll be finished by the time you pick it up."

She thought for a moment and said that she would have to consult her boyfriend... so she called her boyfriend and told him the story.

Her boyfriend says ask him for $200 then pick up the money very fast... he won't even be able to get his pants down.

She agrees and accepts the proposal.

Half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend to call. Finally after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks what happened...She said, "The bastard used quarters.......!"

Management Lesson: Always consider a business proposal in it's entirety before agreeing to it, and getting screwed.....