Newlywed Couple

On their first night together, a newlywed couple go to change. The new bride comes out of the bathroom showered and wearing a beautiful robe. The proud husband says, "My dear, we are married now, you can open your robe." The beautiful young woman opens her robe, and he is astonished."Oh, oh, aaaahhh," he exclaims, "My God you are so beautiful, let me take your picture.

Puzzled she asks "My picture?"

He answers "Yes my dear, so I can carry your beauty next to my heart forever".

She smiles and he takes her picture, and then he heads into the bathroom to shower. He comes out wearing his robe and the new wife asks, "Why do you wear a robe? We are married now." At that the man opens his robe and she exclaims, "oh, OH, OH MY, let me get a picture." He beams and asks why and she answers, "So I can get it enlarged!"

Two Boys

Two five year old boys are standing at the toilet to pee. One says "Your thing doesn't have any skin on it!".

"I've been circumcised.", the other replied.

"What's that mean?"

"It means they cut the skin off the end."

"How old were you when it was cut off?"

"My mom said I was two days old."

"Did it hurt?", the kid asked inquiringly.

"You bet it hurt, I didn't walk for a year!"

Amish Father & Son

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. 

The boy asked his father "What is this, Father?"

The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful and very busty 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son "Go get your mother."

No Bridal

Cowboy and his wife had just been married and they went to a hotel for their honeymoon. The man went to the front desk to ask for a room.

He said, "This here's a very special 'casion........our weddin' night. We need a good room with a strong bed!!"

The clerk winked and asked, "Do you want the Bridal?"

The Cowboy thought about it for a while and then replied, "No, I don't think so.......I'll just hold onta her ears until she gits used to it."

Finally Got Laid

When Ernie came home with the news that he'd gotten laid for the first time, his mother was less than pleased. Slapping him across the face, she sent him off to his room without any supper. When Ernie's father got home and heard the news, he went up to see his son.

"Well, my boy," he admonished, secretly pleased, "I hope you learned something from this experience."

"You bet I did," admitted his son. "Next time I use Vaseline ... my ass is killing me!"

Bar Talk

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions...

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know...
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent,Ecologist

The second guy says " I'm a D.I.N.K.Y., you know...
Double Income, No Kids Yet."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know...
Rich, Urban, biker"

They turn to a woman and ask her, "
What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a W.I.F.E, you know...
Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc"

Senior Sex Life

A senior citizen visits his doctor for a routine check-up and everything seems fine.

The doctor asks him about his sex life.

"Well..." the man drawled, "not bad at all to be honest. The wife ain't all that interested anymore, so I just cruise around.

In the past week I was able to pick-up and bed at least three girls, none of whom were over thirty years old."

"My goodness Frank, and at your age too." the doctor said.

"I hope you took at least some precautions."

"Yep. I may be old, but I ain't senile yet doc. I gave 'em all a phony name."

Newly Married

A newly-married couple came home from their honeymoon and moved into the upstairs apartment they'd rented from the groom's parents.

That night, the father of the groom was awakened from his sleep by his wife. "Tony, listen!" she whispered. He listened. Upstairs, the bed was creaking in rhythm.

The wife said "Come on, Tony! Let's make love!"

So Tony climbed on top of his wife, and pounded the old bone home. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's make love again!"

Once again, Tony climbed on top of his wife and screwed her as hard as he could. As he was trying to fall back asleep 15 minutes later, the bed upstairs started creaking in rhythm again.

"Come on, Tony!" said the wife. "Let's do it again!"

So Tony grabbed a broom and pounded on the ceiling as he shouted "Hey, kids, cut it out! You're killing your old man down here!"

Face Lift

A woman decided to have a face lift for her birthday. She spent $5000 and felt really good about the results. On her way home she stopped at a dress shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the sales clerk "I hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"

"About 35." was the reply.

"I'm actually 47." the woman said, feeling really happy.

After that she went into McDonalds for lunch and asked the order taker the same question. He replied "Oh, you look about 29."

"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling really good.

While standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question. He replied "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."

There was no one around, so the woman said "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.

After feeling around for a while, the old man said "OK, You are 47."

Stunned, the woman said "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"

The old man replied "I was behind you in line at McDonalds."

Always Tired

A woman goes to her doctor complaining that she is exhausted all the time. After the diagnostic tests showed nothing, the doctor gets around to asking her how often she has intercourse.

"Every Monday, Wednesday, and Saturday," she says.

The doctor advises her to cut out Wednesday.

"I can't." says the woman.  "That's the only night I'm home with my husband!"

Little Bear

It's spring, and the baby bear comes out of his cave.His knees are wobbling, he's a wreck. He's skin and bones, with big circles under his eyes.

His mother says, "Junior! Did you hibernate all winter like you were supposed to?"

"Hibernate? Shit Ma, I thought you said masturbate!"

Belligerent Drunk

A belligerent drunk walks into a bar and hollers: "I can lick any man in the place!"

The nearest customer looks him up and down, then says: Crude, but direct."Tell me, is this your first time in a gay bar?"

The Bet

Two farmers, Joe and Bob, lived as neighbors, but didn't like each other much. That winter there was a period of -30 degree Bob and Joe had nothing to do because of it. So they bet a bottle of vodka who can sit out on the window ledge the longest with a bare ass.

After two hours Bob's wife came home and asked Bob "What are you doing?"  Bob explained and she said "Come on, you will only freeze your ass off."

Bob refused as he wanted to win the bet.

Then his wife got an idea. "Lets change places when Joe is looking the other way."

Bob's Wife put on the same kind of pullover and cap and traded places with Bob.

Half an hour later Joe's wife came home and asked him "What are you doing?"  Joe told her and said, "I am determined to win the bottle!" 

"You are crazy. Come on in."

"Certainly not, I am already on the winning side. Bob lost his balls half an hour ago!"

Operation

A woman goes to her doctor and says she wants an operation because her vagina lips are much too large. She asks the doctor to keep the operation quiet because it's an embarrassing procedure and she doesn't want anyone to find out about it. The doctor agrees.

The next day, the woman awakens from her successful operation and finds three roses carefully placed beside her bed. Outraged, she immediately calls in the doctor and says "I thought I asked you not to tell anyone about my operation!"

"Don't worry," he explains, "I didn't tell anybody. The first rose is from me because I felt bad that you had to go through all this by yourself. And, the second rose is from the nurse who assisted me with the operation. She too had the same operation some time ago."

"Who is the third rose from?" asked the curious woman.

"That rose is from the guy upstairs in the burn unit," explained the doctor "Because he wanted to thank you for his new ears!"

Lovemaking Discussion

Frenchman, an Italian and an American were discussing love-making.

"Last night I made love to my wife three times" boasted the Frenchman.  "She was in sheer ecstasy this morning..."

"Ah, last night I made love to my wife six times," the Italian responded "and this morning she made me a wonderful omelette
and told me she could never love another man."

When the American remained silent, the Frenchman smugly asked "And how many times did you make love to your wife last night?"

"Once." he replied.

"Only once?" the Italian arrogantly snorted. "And what did she say to you this morning?"

"Don't stop."

Small Penis

Guy goes to a doctor and says he has a problem with sex.

"I think my penis is too small" he says.

The doctor asks him "Which drink he prefers?"

"Well, Lager" he replies quite bemused.

"Aaaahhh. There's your problem, It shrinks things those Lagers. You should try drinking Guinness. That makes things grow."

Two months later the chap returns to the doctor with a big smile on his face. He shakes the doctor by the hand and thanks him.

"I take it you now drink Guinness?" asked the doc.

"No" replies the man "But I've got the wife on Lager!"

Pickup Attempt

A guy met a girl in a bar and asked, "May I buy you a drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good" she says.

A little later, he asks, "May I buy you another drink?"

"Okay. But it won't do you any good" she says again.

He invites her up to his apartment and she replies,

"Okay. But it won't do you any good."

They get to his apartment and he says, "You are the most beautiful thing I have ever seen.  I want you for my wife."

She says, "Oh, that's different. Send her in."

Bathroom Sex

A husband and wife were in the bathroom getting ready for work when the husband looked at his wife and said "I gotta have you!"

He backed her up against the bathroom door, pulled down her panties and ravaged her. He knew he was doing great because she screamed and wiggled more than she ever had before.

When he finished, he started putting his clothes back on and when he noticed his wife still writhing against the door he said "That was the best, honey. You've never moved like that before, you didn't hurt yourself did you?"

His wife replies "No, no. I'll be OK once I can get the doorknob out of my ass."

Yard Sale

A man was walking one day, when he came to this big house in a nice neighborhood. Suddenly he realized there was a nude couple making love out on the lawn. Then he noticed another couple over behind a tree. Then he saw an other couple behind some bushes by the house. He walked up to the door of the house and knocked.

A well-dressed woman answered the door and the man asked "What kind of place is this?".

"This is a brothel." replied the madam.

"Well, what's all this out on the lawn?" queried the man.

"Oh, we're having a yard sale today."

The Princesss & the Frog

Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful,
independent, self assured princess happened upon a
frog as she sat,  contemplating ecological issues on
the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow
near her castle.

The frog hopped into the princess' lap and said
"Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome price, until an
evil witch cast a spell upon me.  One kiss from you,
however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young
price that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and
setup housekeeping in yon castle with my mother, where
you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my
children, and forever feel grateful and happy
doing so."

That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a
repast of lightly sauted frog legs seasoned in a white
wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled to herself
and thought: "I don't fucking think so!"

Peeing at A Bar

A man walks into a bar, sits down and drinks a beer. Then he drinks another beer, and another and...soon he needs to take a leak. He's standing at the urinal in the men's room, when he looks over and notices three black men standing at the other urinals. The one in the middle has a white cock.He zips up and, still a bit confused, goes back to the bar. He orders another beer and thinks about what he had seen.

When the bartender hands him his beer, he leans over and whispers "I was in the men's room and noticed three black men in there. I swear the one in the middle had a white cock!

The bartender points at three guys sitting at a table. "You mean those guys?"

"Yeah." the man says "They're the ones."

The bartender grinned. "Those guys aren't black. They're coal miners. The one in the middle must have gone home for lunch."

Blow Up Love

There was a guy who owned a whorehouse and on one particular day all of his women happened to get the flu and had called in sick.Not wanting to lose any business that day, he thought up a solution and went to the local sex shop to purchase inflatable women. He put one in each room and then dimmed all the lights so no one would notice.

Not long after he opened, a man walked in and ordered six beers and a hooker. The man gave him his six beers and a key to one of the rooms. The man went upstairs but not long after he returned with what remained of his beer and sat down to drink it by himself.

The bartender, worried, went over to ask what had happened. The man told his story, "Well sir, I got on her and was pounding away and she was letting out these tiny little squeaking noises and everything was good. Then I moved over and bit her nipple, when all of a sudden she let out this really loud fart and flew out the window!!"

Lucky Lamp

A guy is strolling down the street in London where he comes across an old lamp. He picks it up, rubs it vigorously, and out pops a genie.

The genie offers to grant him one wish, to which the guy replies "I've always wanted to be lucky."

The genie grants his wish.  So off the bloke strolls, wondering how this will change his life, when he spies 10 bucks on the footpath. Not a bad start he thinks. As he picks it up, he notices a Ladbrokes betting shop across the road. He strolls over, looks through the racing lists, and sees a horse named Lucky Lad at 100/1 in the 4th at Ascot. He puts the 10 on it, and what do you know, the horse bolts in.

Feeling on a bit of a roll, he heads to the local illegal casino, fronts up at the roulette table and puts the whole 1010 bucks on "Lucky seven."  Round and round the wheel spins, and "bang!" on Lucky Seven.

Now he's really flying....what better way to celebrate than to head to the local brothel for a bit of horizontal folk dancing. He knocks and enters, when all of a sudden he is showered with streamers and handed a glass of champagne.

The madam of the  establishment puts her arm around him and says, "Welcome sir! We have much pleasure in informing you that you are our lucky 1,000th customer, and you have won the right to enjoy the pleasures on offer from any girl who works here, absolutely free of charge."

The bloke says "He's always fancied making it with an Indian girl...." So he's ushered into one of the rooms when in strolls the most gorgeous sub-continental he has ever seen. Not much time passes before clothing is strewn around the room and the Karma Sutra (pp 101 to 532)is being well and truly tested.

At one point the guy pauses and says to the girl "You are one of the most beautiful women I've ever seen in my life. I can't believe how lucky I am. But there is one thing I don't really like about Indian women. I don't like that red spot that you all have on your forehead."

The Indian girl looks him in the eye and says "Sir, I am here to please you and succumb to your every desire.  If you wish to see it gone, then please scratch off my caste mark."

So the bloke goes at it with his fingernail. All of a sudden he leans back and starts laughing his ass off.

"What's wrong, what's wrong?" asks the Indian girl.

To which the bloke replies "You're never going to believe this, but I've just won a car!"

Phone Call

A couple were sitting in the living room watching TV when the phone rang.

The husband picked it up, listened for a minute then screamed "How the hell would I know? Call the weather
bureau!"

As he stomped back to his chair his wife asked "What was that all about?"

He replied "Aw, it was just some dumb dork wanting to know if the coast was clear."

Condoms

There was a lady who worked in an all night drugstore. On a Friday she started working at about 8 pm so she would be there all night. At about 11 p.m. a mature man comes in and asks for some condoms.

The clerk asks "What size will you be needing?"

The man says "Size? Guess it's been a while -- hell I don't know"

Clerk says "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a look."

So the man whips it out on the counter the clerk gives it a few strokes then over the intercom the clerk announces "Size medium condoms to aisle 6." The man pays for his purchase and he is off.

Around midnight another gentleman comes in and he is also wanting condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size will you be needing?"

The gentleman says "Actually I have never purchased any before I have no idea."

The clerk says "Well whip it out on the counter here and let's take a look."

So the gentleman whips it out on the counter, the clerk gives it a few rubs, and announces over the intercom "Size large condoms to aisle 6." The gentleman pays for his purchase and leaves.

A little later on a young fella about 17 comes in and very shy-like asks for some condoms. The clerk asks him "Well what size are you needing sonny?"

Of course the boy is quite embarrassed and blurts out "Oh my God, size???"

The clerk says "Whip it out on the counter here sonny and we will take a look."

Shy but willing the boy whips it out on the counter the clerk gives it a few rubs and then announces on the intercom "Clean up on aisle 6."

Final Blow Job

A woman recently lost her husband. Their marriage had been a very lousy one, and she was relieved that he was finally gone. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home. Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the counter.

Then she started talking to him, and tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said "You know that fur coat you promised me?"

She answered by saying "I bought it with the insurance money!"

She then said "Remember that new car you promised me?"

She answered again saying "Well, I bought it with the insurance money!"

Still tracing her finger in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you? Well.... here it comes..."

Now clap your Hands

This couple were in bed getting busy when the girl places the guys hand onto her pussy.

"Put your finger in me..." she asks him.

So he does without hesitation, as she starts moaning.

"Put two fingers in...", she says.

So in goes another one. She's really starting to get worked up when she says, "Put your whole hand in!".

The guy's like, "Ok!".

So he has his entire hand in, when she says moaning aloud "Put both your hands inside of me!!!".

So the guy puts both of his hands in! "Now clap your hands..." commands the girl. "I can't", says the guy.

The girl looks at him and says "See, I told you I had a tight pussy!".

Summer Help

A farmer hires a college student one summer to help around the farm. At the end of the summer the farmer says, "Son, since you have done such a fine job here this summer, I am going to throw a party for you."

The college guy says, "Right on, thanks a lot man."

So the farmer says, "Well you better be able to handle a few beers because there will be lotsa drinkn' going on."

College guy: "Hey, I can drink just as much as anyone else so I should do just fine."

Farmer: "There is also going to be a lot of fightn' so I hope you are ready."

College guy: "I have been working hard all summer and I think I am in pretty good shape."

Farmer says: "Well, did I mention that there will be lotsa sex?"

College guy: "Good. I have been out here all summer and I have been dying for some action. What should I wear to this party?"

Farmer says: "I don't care it's just going to be me and you."