Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT?"
The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down ? she?s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on. She says "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Black Box
The Pilot comes on the intercom and says "We’re having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare your self." The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup.
The Hispanic woman next to her says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash." The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.
The black woman sees this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"
The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first." The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties.
The other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"
The Hispanic woman next to her says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash." The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.
The black woman sees this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"
The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first." The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties.
The other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Crotchless Panties
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on.
"Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties. I ain't going any where near it!"
"Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties. I ain't going any where near it!"
Friday, January 27, 2012
New Rooster
This farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs. So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster in an effort to get his hens back into an egg laying mood. He names him Jimmy. That first day Jimmy lays every hen on the farm and at the end of the day the farmer finds Jimmy trying to make it with his horse. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "You've gotta slow down or you're going to kill yourself!"
The next day Jimmy lays every hen again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make it with his cow. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "I told you, you better slow down or you're going to kill yourself."
The following morning Jimmy lays every hen again, but this time, he lays all the other farm animals as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion.
In the middle of all his animals is Jimmy, laying with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Jimmy and says, "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Jimmy opens one eye, looks at the farmer and says, "Shhh... buzzards."
The next day Jimmy lays every hen again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make it with his cow. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "I told you, you better slow down or you're going to kill yourself."
The following morning Jimmy lays every hen again, but this time, he lays all the other farm animals as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion.
In the middle of all his animals is Jimmy, laying with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Jimmy and says, "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Jimmy opens one eye, looks at the farmer and says, "Shhh... buzzards."
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Gynecologist
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Phone
A man was in a locker room, changing after playing golf. Suddenly, his phone rang. He put it on speaker for the rest of the guys to hear....
"Hey hun!" A woman said.
"Hey babe." The man said.
"Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?"
The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you."
"Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars."
"Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied.
"Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it'll go fast." She said.
"Okay then offer 900,000- we'll be sure to get it then!"
"Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!"
"Bye." He shut the phone.
Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
"Hey hun!" A woman said.
"Hey babe." The man said.
"Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?"
The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you."
"Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars."
"Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied.
"Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it'll go fast." She said.
"Okay then offer 900,000- we'll be sure to get it then!"
"Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!"
"Bye." He shut the phone.
Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Breathalyzer
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied "You mean it shows that, too?"
He said "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied "You mean it shows that, too?"
Monday, January 23, 2012
Exhibitionist
There was an exhibitionist who was taking a trip on an airplane. At the top of the stairs there was a stewardess who was collecting tickets. So when the man got to the top of the stairs, he opened his coat and exposed himself.
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
The stewardess said, "I'm sorry sir. You have to show your ticket here, not your stub."
Sunday, January 22, 2012
A Mean Drunk
A business man hits the bar on the 42nd floor of a building in New York City.
The bar is pretty dead just the bartender and a guy at the end of the bar looking quite drunk.
"Drink," The guy says. "Rum and coke please." The bartender makes the drink and goes back to wiping the glasses.
The guy at the end of the bar looks over smiles and moves down.
"Hey buddy want to hear a secret?"
The business man is a good mood says, "Sure."
The drunk guy goes, " Did you know that here in New York they have a phenomenom only here and nowhere else in the world."
"Oh really what's that?" the business man asks.
The drunk guy continues, "See because of all the buildings here and I mean tall buildings there is a massive updraft and if you jump out the window you fall about 20-25 floors and then the updraft catches you and brings you back into the window you jumped out of."
"No freaking way dude you need to lay off the sauce." The business man replies.
"I am 100% serious I will show you." says the drunk. He walks over to the window opens it up looks back waves and jumps.
The business man is astonished and scared and runs over to the window to see the drunk guy falling and then miraculously he starts floating back up and comes right back into the window.
"SEE I TOLD YOU!!" the drunk says.
The Business man is not convinced and says do it again this time he watches the whole thing all the way down and all the way up.
"Believe me now? The drunk asks.
"I do" He says slams down his drink and head over to the window and jumps falling straight to the pavement and splattering all over the ground.
The bartender looks up and says, "Superman you are one mean drunk."
The bar is pretty dead just the bartender and a guy at the end of the bar looking quite drunk.
"Drink," The guy says. "Rum and coke please." The bartender makes the drink and goes back to wiping the glasses.
The guy at the end of the bar looks over smiles and moves down.
"Hey buddy want to hear a secret?"
The business man is a good mood says, "Sure."
The drunk guy goes, " Did you know that here in New York they have a phenomenom only here and nowhere else in the world."
"Oh really what's that?" the business man asks.
The drunk guy continues, "See because of all the buildings here and I mean tall buildings there is a massive updraft and if you jump out the window you fall about 20-25 floors and then the updraft catches you and brings you back into the window you jumped out of."
"No freaking way dude you need to lay off the sauce." The business man replies.
"I am 100% serious I will show you." says the drunk. He walks over to the window opens it up looks back waves and jumps.
The business man is astonished and scared and runs over to the window to see the drunk guy falling and then miraculously he starts floating back up and comes right back into the window.
"SEE I TOLD YOU!!" the drunk says.
The Business man is not convinced and says do it again this time he watches the whole thing all the way down and all the way up.
"Believe me now? The drunk asks.
"I do" He says slams down his drink and head over to the window and jumps falling straight to the pavement and splattering all over the ground.
The bartender looks up and says, "Superman you are one mean drunk."
Saturday, January 21, 2012
Worlds Best Hooker
One day a man went on a buissness trip to Florida. He had saw this hooker and he asked "How much for a Hand-job?"
The hooker replied "100 Bucks."
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of damn money."
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving Hand-jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best Hand-job he's ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a Blow-job?"
She said "200 dollars."
"200 dollars that's a lot of money."
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving Blow-jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best Blow-job of his life
On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The Hand-job was good, the Blow-job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars."
"1000 dollars!!! That's a lot of damn money." So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a pussy."
The hooker replied "100 Bucks."
The man said "100 Bucks, That's a lot of damn money."
So the hooker pulled him to the side and said "See that Mercedes, I paid for that by giving Hand-jobs."
So he gave her the money and received the best Hand-job he's ever had. The next day he sees her and asks "How much for a Blow-job?"
She said "200 dollars."
"200 dollars that's a lot of money."
She pulled him to the side and said "You see that yahat by the pier, I paid for that yahat by giving Blow-jobs." So he gives her the money, and get the best Blow-job of his life
On hist last day in Florida he returns to the hooker and says "The Hand-job was good, the Blow-job was great how much for the whole package."
"1000 dollars."
"1000 dollars!!! That's a lot of damn money." So she pulled him to side and said "You see that island, I could afford that if I had a pussy."
Friday, January 20, 2012
Can I Ride?
A couple were in their bed ready to make love. When their four year old son walked in and asked "Daddy can I ride on your back?"
The Dad said "NO!" When the wife told her husband "It's OK. Honey he doesn't know whats going on." so he agreed.
As they got in to the throws of passion. The wife started moaning and breathing heavy.
The little boy said, "Daddy you better hold on, yesterday when she did that me and the milkman both almost hit the floor."
The Dad said "NO!" When the wife told her husband "It's OK. Honey he doesn't know whats going on." so he agreed.
As they got in to the throws of passion. The wife started moaning and breathing heavy.
The little boy said, "Daddy you better hold on, yesterday when she did that me and the milkman both almost hit the floor."
Thursday, January 19, 2012
Group Therapy
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.
John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.
The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight s the night!"
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.
John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.
The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight s the night!"
Wednesday, January 18, 2012
Urologist Appointment
A man went to his appointment with the Urologist.
In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control him self, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"IT'S SWOLLEN!!!" The man replied
In the examining room he told the doctor, "Don't laugh!"
"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years I've never laughed at a patient."
"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'Willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.
Unable to control him self, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later he was able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.
"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentleman, I promise it won't happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"
"IT'S SWOLLEN!!!" The man replied
Tuesday, January 17, 2012
Dirty Little Matt
Dirty little Matt is sitting in the back of math class, obviously not paying any attention, when the teacher calls his name.
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
"Yeah teach?" he replies.
"If there are three ducks on a fence and you shoot one of them with a shotgun, how many are left?" asks the teacher.
Matt answers "Well, teach, if I shoot one of them with a shotgun, the loud noise is gonna make them all fly off."
"No, Matt, there will be two left if you shoot one with a shotgun, but I like the way you're thinking." the teacher responds.
"Well, teach, I've got a question for you... There are 3 women that come out of an ice-cream parlor, one is biting her ice-cream cone, one is licking it, and one is sucking on it. Which one is married?"
The teacher, a little taken back by the question answers, "Well, uh, gee Matt, I guess the one that's sucking on the ice cream."
Matt replies "No teach, the one that has the wedding ring on her finger, but I like the way you're thinking!"
Monday, January 16, 2012
Billy-Bob
One day the sheriff sees Billy-Bob walking around town with nothing on except his gun belt and his boots.
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same."
Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
The sheriff says "Billy-Bob, what the hell are you doing walking around town dressed like that?"
Billy-Bob replies "Well sheriff, it's a long story!"
Sheriff says he isn't in a hurry and that Billy-Bob should tell the story.
Billy-Bob continues "Well sheriff, me and Mary-Lou was down on the farm and we started a cuddling. Mary-Lou said we should go in the barn and we did."
"Inside the barn we started a kissing and a cuddling and things got pretty hot and heavy, well Mary-Lou said that we should go up on the hill so we did."
"Up on the hill we started a kissing and a cuddling and the Mary-Lou took off all her clothes and said that I should do the same."
Well, I took off all my clothes except my gun belt and my boots.
Then Mary-Lou lay on the ground and opened her legs and said "Okay Billy-Bob, go to town..."
Sunday, January 15, 2012
Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need of his good time being spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went. The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his partner high and dry and devoted his time to the new stuff that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her husband. Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little bang. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind of a time he had had. He said, "Oh the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." The she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the den and played poker all evening. But I'll tell you... the guy I loaned my costume to, sure had a real good time!"
Saturday, January 14, 2012
Alaskan Road
A man was driving down an Alaskan road and his car broke down. He phoned the Alaskan Mobile Fixit Service and they arrived shortly after.
He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal. "
The man replies "No, it's just frost on my mustache."
He service man opened the bonnet and after a while the repair man said " It looks like you've blown a seal. "
The man replies "No, it's just frost on my mustache."
Friday, January 13, 2012
Pet Frog
This guy walks into the bar and sees a gorgeous blonde sitting on a bar stool all alone. So the guy sits down next to her and pulls a small box from his pocket. He opens it and there's a frog inside.
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
the blonde says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
The blonde says, "He's cute, but does he do tricks?"
The guy says, "Yea, he licks pussy."
So after talking with her for several minutes, he convinces her to come with him to his apartment. They get there and she takes all of her clothes off, gets into the bed and spreads her legs. The guy sets the frog right between her legs and it just sits there not moving at all.
the blonde says, "Well? what's up?" The frog still does not move.
So the guy leans over to the frog and says, "All right, I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Sex in the Dark
A man and a woman started to have sex in the middle of a dark forest.
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
After 15 minutes of this, the man finally gets up and says, "Damn, I wish I had a flashlight."
The woman says, "So do I. You've been eating grass for the past ten minutes!"
Wednesday, January 11, 2012
Stranger
A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"
"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"
"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"
"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."
"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Tuesday, January 10, 2012
Some Women Decide to Play Golf
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the two some teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him, "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
Monday, January 9, 2012
Tarzan
Tarzan had been living alone in his jungle kingdom for 30 years with only apes for company, and suitably shaped holes in trees for sex. Jane, a reporter, came to Africa in search of this legendary figure. Deep in the wilds she came to a clearing and discovered Tarzan vigorously thrusting into a jungle oak. She watched in awe for a while.
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
Finally, overcome by this display of animal passion Jane came out into the open and offered herself to him. As she reclined on the wild grass Tarzan ran up to her and gave her a big kick in the crotch. In pain she screamed 'What the hell did you do that for?' Tarzan replied, 'Always check for squirrels.'
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Dinner Roll
A guy can't obtain an erection so he goes to the doctor. The doctor tells him the muscles at the base of his penis are broken down and there's nothing he can do unless he's willing to try an experimental surgery.
The guy asks "What is this surgery."
The doctor tells him "They take the muscles from the base of a Baby Elephant’s Trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best."
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "Try out his New Equipment."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
The guy asks "What is this surgery."
The doctor tells him "They take the muscles from the base of a Baby Elephant’s Trunk, insert them in the base of his penis, and hope for the best."
The guy says that sounds pretty scary but the thought of never having sex again is even scarier so go ahead.
The doctor goes ahead and performs the surgery and about 6 weeks later gives him the go ahead to "Try out his New Equipment."
The guy takes his girlfriend out to dinner. While at dinner he starts feeling an incredible pressure in his pants. It gets incredibly unbearable and he figures no one can see him so he undoes his pants. No sooner does he do this than his penis pops out of his pants, rolls across the table, grabs a dinner roll, and disappears back into his pants.
His girlfriend sits in shock for a few moments, and then gets a sly look on her face. She says "That was pretty cool! Can you do that again?"
With his eyes watering and a painful expression on his face, he says "Probably, but I don't know if I can fit another dinner roll up my ass!"
What's for Dinner?
A hunter kills a deer and brings it home.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
He decides to clean and serve the venison for supper.
He knows his kids are fussy eaters, and won't eat it if they know what it is - so he does not tell them.
His little boy keeps asking him, "What's for supper?" "You'll see", says his dad.
They start eating supper and his daughter keeps asking what they're eating.
"Ok," says her dad, "here's a hint, its what your mother sometimes calls me."
"We're eating asshole!!", she screams.
Blind Man
A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu. "I'm sorry sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from the previous customer, I'll smell it and order from there."
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes that's what I'll have, meatloaf and mashed potatoes." Unbelievable, the owner says to himself as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife and he tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves. Several days later the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.
"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man." "I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork." The owner again retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.
After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great, I take the Macaroni and cheese with broccoli. Once again walking away in disbelief, the owner things the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in he's going to test him.
The blind man eats and leaves. He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Mary rub this fork around your vagina before I take it to the blind man." Mary complies and hands her husband the fork back.
As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting. "Good afternoon sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you." The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff and says, "Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here?"
Black Board
One day when the teacher walked into the classroom, she noticed that someone had written the word 'PENIS' (in tiny letters) on the blackboard. She scanned the class looking for a guilty face. Finding none, she rubbed the word off and began class.
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
The next day, the word 'PENIS' was written on the board again; this time it was written about halfway across the board. Again she looked around in vain for the culprit, so she proceeded with the day's lesson.
Every morning for about a week, she went into the classroom and found the same disgusting word written on the board, each day's being larger than the previous one, and each being rubbed off vigorously.
At the end of the second week, she walked in expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board but instead found the words: "The more you rub it, the bigger it gets."
Monday, January 2, 2012
Posting Comments
Hello everybody this is EzMony :)
I just made it where if you'd like to post a comment on my jokes you can..... So feel free to add your comment to them :) I'd LOVE to hear feed back on em.
I just made it where if you'd like to post a comment on my jokes you can..... So feel free to add your comment to them :) I'd LOVE to hear feed back on em.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
The Pharmacist
Brought to you by C.C.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
A man went into a pharmacy and asked to talk to a male pharmacist. The woman he was talking to said that she was the pharmacist and that she and her sister owned the store, so there were no males employed there. She then asked if there was something she could help the gentleman with.
The man said "this is embarrassing for me, but I have a permanent erection which causes me a lot of problems and severe embarrassment. I was wondering what you could give me for it?"
The pharmacist said "Just a minute, I'll go talk to my sister." When she returned, she said, "the best we can do is 1/3 ownership in the store and $3000 a month in living expenses.
Doesn't Use
Brought to you by C.C.
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
A wife arrived home after a long shopping trip, and was horrified to find her husband in bed with a young, lovely thing. Just as she was about to storm out of the house, her husband stopped her with these words: "Before you leave, I want you to hear how this all came about. Driving home, I saw this young girl, looking poor and tired, I offered her a ride. She was hungry, so I brought her home and fed her some of the roast you had forgotten about in the refrigerator. Her shoes were worn out so I gave her a pair of your shoes you didn't wear because they were out of style. She was cold so I gave her that new birthday sweater you never wore even once because the color didn't suit you. Her slacks were worn out so I gave her a pair of yours that you don't fit into anymore. Then as she was about to leave the house, she paused and asked, 'Is there anything else that your wife doesn't use anymore?' "And so, here we are!"
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