World Signs

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death when I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

Swimming Lessons

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

Flock of Geese

A local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake.

The rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the flock flew off!

The men were left staring at open water.

Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"

The reply was, "Wild goose chase."

Moonshine

A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"

He said, "No."

They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.

Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"

He said, "Yep, you-uns shorten up that thare rope boys 'caws I cain't swim."

At The Lake

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

Sleeping Butt

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"

Smart Pizza Boy

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house.

Amanpreet asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Preet.

The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."

Sportsman Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"

Too Hot

"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"

"probably that I married you for your money," she replied.

Beware of Dog

As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.

"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.

"Yep, that's him," came the reply.

The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"

"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"

Sniffer

A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.

The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.

The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog." He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."

The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search".

Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."

"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.

Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.

The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."

"I like it!" said his seat mate.

The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.

Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.

The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent, "What's going on?"

The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"

Happy Old Man

A women saw a wizzened little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life"?

He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".

The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?

He replied, "Twenty six".

Homeless

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"

"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.

"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."

"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."

The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"

Soap and Water

After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked meal

When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.

"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.

Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."

Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.

When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"

The Knight's Error

A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.

"How are we faring?" asks the king.

"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."

"What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West."

"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."

Cheapskate

A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."

Hard Time

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Lifelong Dream

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."

Come Fly With Me

Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Sleeping Positions

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive,
women who sleep on their stomachs are competent,
and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Effective Messages

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning I stopped reading.

Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

The kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Ladies Man

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

I Can Hear Just Fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Movie Tickets

wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

I asked, "How much is a ticket?"

They said, "Ten dollars."

I asked, "How much for children?"

They said, "Same price, Ten dollars."

I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."

They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."

Scavenger Hunt

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.

"Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a hand-carved pork chop bone and a 3 x 5" piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

Brave Dad

Timmy: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.

Sam: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.

Timmy: I didn't say he got out.

Magic Lamp

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.

Hi Tech Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000!What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

Bank Holdup

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.

They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"

One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"

"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

Bricks For Barbecue

A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"Yeah, it's going to be a barbecue."

"Damn! That's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; you have to consider that I live on the 18th floor."

Check Me Out

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Passport

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44; I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

Dancing With Mom

At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please.?"

The arrogant girl says, " I don't dance with a kid."

The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize your were pregnant."

Co-eds

Two college co-eds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."

"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.

"Oh... she just said, I can't believe I have a person inside me !"

I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

Poisoning Me

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Wrong Bus

A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Fast Food Clerks

We've always had trouble with fast food clerks always botching orders. Finally, one day I had had enough. Below is my interaction with the something gap-toothed female clerk.

Me, after returning a hamburger for the second time: "How hard is it to make a burger with cheese, lettuce and ketchup!!?"

Clerk: "I guess I don't have the right button for that on the register."

Me: "The cook is RIGHT BEHIND YOU, you can tell him what I want."

Clerk: "But I have to press the right button!"

Me: "You know, you've got the smoothest cortex I have ever seen!"

Clerk: "Why thank you! I use Oil of Olay every night."

Anybody Home

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"

Out of Gas

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

Busybody Spinster

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his appearance.

"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."

To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."

Ironic, Death Story

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.

"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.

"I froze to death," said the second.

"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It`s very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That`s so ironic," she says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.

The second woman tells her, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive."

Can You Hear Me Now?

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The MD made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what! happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"

Wardrobe

Joe Bob, John Boy and Bubba were moving furniture. While Joe Bob and John Boy were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Joe Bob noticed that Bubba was nowhere in sight.

"John Boy, where's Bubba?" asked Joe Bob. "He should be helping us with this thing."

"He is helping," said John Boy. "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"

Difference

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"

Rude Man

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

Walking On Water

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, the pastor thinks, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls right into the water. While he's splashing around the first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the tree stumps are?"

Good And Bad

A long passenger train was traveling cross country when one of its two engines broke down. The engineer shut off that engine and continued on at half power. Later, the other engine broke down and the train gradually came to a halt.

The engineer announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is: both engines have failed and we will be stuck here until they send out a replacement locomotive. The good news is: you decided to take the train today instead of an airplane!"

The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Just Following Orders

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

Impress Date

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

Know Your Math

Rick, fresh out of engineering school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked him various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Secret of Success

Sir, " What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank President.

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word.'

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience. "

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions ."

Let me Win the Lottery

Joe found himself in serious financial trouble. He was desperate he decided to pray to God for
help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."


Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win
the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".


Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have
you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good person and loyal to you and the church.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get
my life back in order."


Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe
falls to his knees in awe, shieding his eyes from the light as God's voice booms "Come on Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."

Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Sleeping Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Seat Of Death

A man received a free ticket to a Pittsburgh Steelers home game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at Heinz Field, he realized his seat was in the upper deck and was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than it was to the playing field.

Near the end of the first quarter, he spotted an empty seat 10 rows from the field right at the 50-yard line. He decided to go for it. He snaked his way down the stadium, past the security guards, and made it to the empty seat.

He asked the elderly gentleman next to the empty seat if the seat was being saved for someone, and the man said no.

Very excited, he sat down in the seat and said to the elderly man, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?"

The elderly man responded, "Actually, the seat belongs to my wife. But she passed away recently, and this is the first Steelers game we haven't attended together in almost 50 years of marriage."

The man, now feeling a little guilty to be in the empty seat said, "That's really sad. But, still, couldn't you find a good friend or a close relative to take the seat?"

"No," the elderly man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Kissing The Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Twin Sisters

There were twin sisters turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home.

The editor of the local paper told a photographer to get over there and take some pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. When the photographer got there, he asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The twin answered, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!"

10 Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Which is Which

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested
that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught
in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly
like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.


The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off
one horse. That worked fine until the other horse
caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor
suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the
black.

Interesting Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is............. Lucky Pigs...

Dirty Mind

One day a young boy and girl meet in a garden where the grass is up to their shoes.The boy asks the girl "Should we do it?".

The girl says "Not now."

They further go up where the grass comes to the knees.The boy again asks "Should we do it?".

The girl again says "Not now." They further go up where the grass reaches to their neck level. The boy impatiently asks "Now should we do it?".

The girl again says "Not now."

They further go up where the grass is above their heads. The boy (losing his patience) asks "Now should we do it?".

The girl finally says "Yes "....... And both start cutting the grass.

And what were you thinking dirty mind :-)

The Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have...."

Pete The Playboy

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, "Pete, how the hell do you do it? You're a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what's your secret?"

Pete was in a conversational mood. "I wouldn't do this for everybody, Eddie," he said, "but you're a friend, so I'll tell you my secret. Like all great plans, it's really very simple. It's all in the approach! Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You'll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course."

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete's instructions fixed firmly in his mind. But he dozed en route and didn't waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available.

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she'd like to have a nice quiet drink with him. "I'd love to," she said, "but let's go to my place. It's near here and it's very, very quiet."

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. They'd been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman's husband entered.

"Dammit, Betty!" he cried. "What the hell's going on here? So this is what you do when my back is turned... And as for you, I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!"

The Night Stay

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."

Pole

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

Discoverh

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe, " he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Desert Island

A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.

She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly "Would you like a cigarette?".

He answered "sure".

She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him the cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.

As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"

"WOW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.

So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.

She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"

Amazed at his good fortune, he said "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"

Bingo

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo! "

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

Playing Soldiers

One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.''

Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said.

A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

Toilet Paper

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and drops a little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Powder

One morning Tom took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What's this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Sherry," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow"

Night Out

Rosey had invited her younger sister, Nina, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nina out for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nina went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap.

They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.

"Oh, no," Nina protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

Raise

A maid asked for a raise.

Her Madam was very upset about this and asked "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

"Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who said you iron better than me?" asked the Madam

"The Master said so."

"Oh!"

"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." said the maid

"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

"The Master did."

"Oh!"

"My third reason is that I am a better "woman" than you."

very upset now Madam said. "Did the Master say so as well?"

"No Madam, the gardener said."

Got a Problem

Its a farms third day on the job when he hits something that gets stuck under his truck. He stops and checks and After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

Four Weeks

Woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock.

A friend visits. "Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.

"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly. "It's been four weeks - he doesn't call, he doesn't write ..."

Same Size

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."

Bank Robbers

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

New Shiny Watch

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.

Another

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, my best friend, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

First Grade

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first boy was to say "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there staring out at the audience, frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words....

"My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch!! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway.."

The audience left howling.

Cold And Chilly

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August"

Nun with a Tin Cup

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fucking nun out there again!"

Never Slept With A Man

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," declared the stern mother to her wild young daughter.

"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"

"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."

Female Sex Education

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

Sex Frog

A beautiful well-endowed young lady was searching the pet store for an exotic pet when she noticed a sign reading, "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!" and then in small print, "Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

She pointed and whispered softly to the clerk, "Give me one of those."

The man packaged her new frog and said, "Follow the instructions carefully."

As soon as she got home, she read the instructions: Take a shower. Perfume your entire body. Slip into a sexy nightie. Climb into the bed. Place your frog beside you. She followed each instruction precisely but nothing happened! She was totally frustrated and not a little upset, so she reread the instructions to confirm that she had followed everything exactly. This time she saw the fine print at the bottom of the page: "If you have any problems, phone the pet store." She did.

The clerk responded, "I'll be right over." And within minutes, he was. "Show me exactly what you did."

She once again followed the instructions precisely. "Look," she said. "That dumb frog just sits there."

The clerk picked up the frog and spoke to it sternly. "Listen here, pal: I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Good way for Wishing

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning:

"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"

Horny

A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?"

"No," she said, "I've got cold crème on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed."

He said, "Ok," and went on to bed.

The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"

She said, "No, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess up the bed.

He said, "Ok." and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"

She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed."

He said, "Ok," and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?"

She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed."

"Ok," he said and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home with a big cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.

His wife asked what the outfit was for.

He replied, "Cream, mud, shit, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight!!"

Hair From Ass

A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

Visited Prostitutes

Kitty: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.

Becky: What makes you think so?

Kitty: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up and headed for the bedroom.

Becky: So?

Kittyy: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"

Birthday Cake

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was helped to his feet after being hit over the head with his wife's walking stick, that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Can Beat That

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

The New Arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

100

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.

When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then."

Sex Starved Sailors

"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?"

"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunette.

"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.

"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."

Undress

Little Johnny was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one.

Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking off their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.

The man asked Little Johnny, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!"

Little Johnny replied, "My mom and dad told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone... and I think its happening I feel something hard under my pants!"

Bride of Frankenstein

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.

Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.

As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

Button Mystery

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as he opened his eyes.

A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover." Your balls are in the bucket under the bed".

Expect For $10

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

Bright Kid

A black boy and his sister were out trick or treating.

They go to the first house and ring the bell, the door soon opens.

The owner asks "What are you two dressed as?"

The black boy says, "We're dressed as Jack and Jill."

"You can't be Jack and Jill, they are white." the owner replied.

The children got their candy, thought about what they could say they were dressed as and went to the next house.

They rang the bell; the owner opened the door and asked them the same question the previous homeowner had asked.

The little girl replied, "We are dressed as Hansel and Gretel."

The owner told them they could not dress as Hansel and Gretel, since they were not white, like Hansel and Gretel.

The children thought long and hard about their dilemma as they moved to the next house.

The little boy came up with an idea and told his sister to take off her clothes.

Naked, they walked up to the door and rang the bell.

As the owner opened the door, the little boy piped up "We're dressed as Hershey bars, one with nuts, one without nuts."

Twist

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!"

Blow Job

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady.

The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

Airplane Quickie

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Docs Assistant

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Sara, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir..." answers Sara.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Sara, how was your day?"

Sara tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Good job Sara, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Sara.

"Awesome! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and panties then lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!!"

"And what did you do Sara?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes."

Urinal Performing

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."