Man Reading

A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.

The husband was confused and asked "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"

The wife replied "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".

The husband said "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.

The Many Uses of Vasoline

Scott is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Scott has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Scott’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.

She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."

Scott sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Scott decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Scott and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.

A few minutes later, Scott grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table. Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Scott remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.

With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"

Blow Job Celebration

A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.

The bartender asks "Why so many buddy?"

The man replies "I'm celebrating my first blow job".

The bartender says "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free."

The man says "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."

The Moral of the Story 2

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading,
"Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches."

Door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

The Moral of the Story 1

A teacher gave her class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

"And what is the moral to that story?" Asked the Teacher

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Answered Kathy

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy."

 "Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

 "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

The Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse , no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?

Little Johnnie

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Bear Trap

A guy goes to his doctor and the doctor says "Your going to need to have an operation on his knees." The doc goes on to say "Knee operations are difficult and painful."

He asks "If he's ever experienced extreme pain.

The man replies "That once he was hunting in the woods in the fall and had to take a dump. He leaned his gun against a tree and pulled his pants down and squatted down. I squatted down on a bear trap and it sprung."

The doctor cringed and said "Damn I bet that hurt like hell".

The man says "Oh yeah that hurt, but not half as bad as when I hit the end of that chain."

Wild Jamaican Sex!

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?"

The Jamaican replied "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, The Jamaican then began screaming "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET”!!!

Symbols

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_ x _) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of their asses
(_?_) Dumb Ass

Bigger Tits

A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend "I wish I had bigger tits."

The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months."

"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.

"Well it worked for your ass." says the boyfriend

Efficiency Expert

A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"

The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."

The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"

The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."

"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"

"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."

Wifes a Virgin

A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."

The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.

The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."

He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"

3 Dogs

Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog "What he's there for?"

"They are putting me down."

"Oh no, says the first dog, why?"

The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep."

The second dog asked the first dog " What are you here for?"

"Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also."

The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"

The other dogs say, " SO, that's why they are putting you to sleep?"

"No!" says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"

Prisoner

This prisoner escapes after 15 years. He breaks into a house looking for money and food. He finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the wife to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.

While he’s in the bathroom, the husband tells his wife “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”

To which the wife responds “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too.”

Shoe Sells Man

There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties.

He started thinking and something slipped out.

The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"

Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband.

She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!."

The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"

Park Bench

There was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying.

A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?"

The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner."

The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."

The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"

Donation Center

A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.

Man: "What are you doing here today?"

Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."

Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."

The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.

Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"

Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."

Cussing Problem

Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.

The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year? "

Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the SON-OF-A-BITCH!"

Visits the Local Brothel

Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door.

The madam opens the door and asks Jack "What can I do for you?"

"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam.

She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem."

She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken.Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.

One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.

"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him.

Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other.

Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".

The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".

Didn't Mean It

Two guys are drinking at a bar.

The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"

The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'

The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'

Tennis Ball

While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.

Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.

A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.

"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.

"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."

12 pack

A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.

The son asks his father "Why there are so many different boxes of condoms?" \

The father replies ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''

The son then asks his father ''What's the 6-pack for?''

The father replies ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''

Then the son asks his father "What the 12-pack is for?"

The father replies ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''

Orange Dick

This guy calls up his doctor trying not to have a panic attack.

"Hello, This is Doc. Williams. What seem to be your emergency?'

"Doc, My DICK is orange!"

"OIC, Well lets see what I can do for you. I'll need to ask you some questions and you have to be Honest."

"OK."

"What did you eat for dinner last night?"

"Steak, Potato and Carrots."

"Well the Carrots wouldn't do that. What did you have for Breakfast?"

"Bowl of Cereal and Toast."

"Nope, OK What did you have for Lunch?"

"A Bologna sandwich and Cheetos."

"Oh, What we're you doing while you were eating lunch?"

"Just sitting in front of my laptop watching my new PORN!"