Pole

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

Discoverh

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe, " he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Desert Island

A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.

She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly "Would you like a cigarette?".

He answered "sure".

She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him the cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.

As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"

"WOW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.

So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.

She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"

Amazed at his good fortune, he said "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"

Bingo

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo! "

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

Playing Soldiers

One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.''

Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said.

A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

Toilet Paper

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and drops a little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Powder

One morning Tom took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What's this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Sherry," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow"