Pole

While riding the bus, my mother noticed a young man, who was holding onto the same pole, staring at her. Eventually, he said, "Excuse me. This is my stop."

Since she wasn't blocking his way, she was confused. "Well," she said, "go ahead."

"And this is my pole," he said.

My mother was completely perplexed until the young man added, "I just bought it at the hardware store to hold up my shower curtain."

And with that, he picked up his pole and carried it off the bus.

Discoverh

A mortician was working late one night. He examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, about to be cremated, and made a startling discovery.

Schwartz had the largest private part he had ever seen! "I'm sorry Mr.Schwartz," the mortician commented, "I can't allow you to be cremated with such an impressive private part. It must be saved for posterity."

So, he removed it, stuffed it into his briefcase, and took it home "I have something to show you won't believe, " he said to his wife, opening his briefcase.

"My God!" the wife exclaimed, "Schwartz is dead!"

Desert Island

A guy was stuck on a desert island for years. Then, from the depths of the ocean, came a stunning dark-haired beauty equipped with scuba gear.

She walked slowly, voluptuously, up to the guy and asked very softly "Would you like a cigarette?".

He answered "sure".

She unzipped a pocket on the sleeve of her wetsuit, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and a light. She offered him the cigarette, took one herself and lit them both.

As they smoked their cigarettes, she asked, "Would you like a martini?"

"WOW, Yes" he responded with immense enthusiasm.

So she unzipped another pocket, pulled out a shaker of martinis, a couple of glasses and poured them both a drink.

She watched him as he sipped his drink and, with a breathtakinly beautiful smile, whispered into his ear, "Would you like to play around?"

Amazed at his good fortune, he said "You've got to be kidding! You've got golf clubs in there, too?"

Bingo

A young girl from Donegal leaves home to find work in the bright lights of London. She comes home 6 months later and steps out of a taxi wearing a full-length mink coat.

"Begorrah, Colleen," says her mother. "Tis a lovely soft coat yer wearin' an' it looks so expensive. Where did ye get that?"

Colleen replies, "Sure now, I won it at the bingo. Don't they have wonderful prizes in London?"

When the weekend's over, Colleen returns to the bright lights, but she's back to visit her mom a few months later. This time, when she steps out of the taxi, she's wearing a beautiful gold wristwatch and a large diamond ring.

Same exchange with Mom...same "Won it at bingo! "

Colleen returns to the bright lights again. A few months later, she's back. This time she's sporting a beautiful emerald and diamond necklace with matching bracelet and earrings. She hands her mother 1,000 pounds and explains that she won it all in bingo. Then she asks Mom to run her a bath as she needs to freshen up.

When Colleen gets to the washroom, there's only a quarter inch of hot water in the bathtub. Colleen, a wee bit peeved at her Mom being so cheap with the hot water after being handed 1,000 pounds, calls downstairs, "Mom! Sure now, didn't I ask you to run me a bath? There's only a quarter inch of water in the tub!"

"Indade there is, me darlin," replies her Mom. "But we don't want ye gettin' yer bingo card wet now, do we?"

Playing Soldiers

One a day a man and his wife were watching their son playing with Army soldiers, when they heard him say, ''Look daddy the Green soldiers just blew the Hell out of the Tan soldiers.''

Shocked the wife tells the boy to go to his room, and think about what he just said.

A few minutes later the husband says to his wife, "How about me and you play soldiers and you can blow the hell out of me?"

Toilet Paper

An old couple is on a walk, when a pigeon flies by and drops a little present on the woman's head.

"Yech!" says the woman. "Get some toilet paper."

"What for? He must be half-a-mile away by now."

Powder

One morning Tom took a pair of underwear out of the drawer.

"What's this?" he said to himself as a little "dust" cloud appeared when he shook them out.

"Sherry," he hollered into the bathroom, "why did you put talcum powder in my underwear?"

She shot back, "It's not talcum powder. It's Miracle Grow"

Night Out

Rosey had invited her younger sister, Nina, to leave her country home and come to the city for a weekend to see how the urban half lived. She also arranged for a friend of hers named Bill to take Nina out for a night on the town.

After a pleasant dinner and a show, Bill and Nina went to Bill's apartment for a nightcap.

They talked and listened to soft music for a pleasant interlude; then Bill suggested they retire to the bedroom.

"Oh, no," Nina protested. "I don't think my sister would like it."

"Nonsense," said Bill, as he gently took her arm. "She loves it."

Raise

A maid asked for a raise.

Her Madam was very upset about this and asked "Now Maria, why do you want an increase?"

"Well Madam, there are three reasons why I want an increase. The first is that I iron better than you."

"Who said you iron better than me?" asked the Madam

"The Master said so."

"Oh!"

"The second reason is that I am a better cook than you." said the maid

"Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than I?"

"The Master did."

"Oh!"

"My third reason is that I am a better "woman" than you."

very upset now Madam said. "Did the Master say so as well?"

"No Madam, the gardener said."

Got a Problem

Its a farms third day on the job when he hits something that gets stuck under his truck. He stops and checks and After a few minutes he radios his boss and says, "Boss, I've got a problem. I hit a pig on the road and he's stuck under my truck. He's still wriggling what should I do?"

"In the back of your truck there's a shotgun. Shoot the pig in the head and when it stops wriggling you can pull it out and throw it in a bush."

The farm worker agrees and signs off. About 10 minutes later he radios back.

"Boss I did what you said, I shot the pig and dragged it out and threw it in a bush."

"So what's the problem now?" his Boss snapped.

"The blue light on his motorcycle is still flashing."

Four Weeks

Woman on an African safari strays from the group and is grabbed by a baboon and raped. Rescued, she is rushed back to the States, where it takes her nearly a month to come out of the shock.

A friend visits. "Don't you think it would help to talk about it?", she asks.

"What's to say?" the woman sighs sadly. "It's been four weeks - he doesn't call, he doesn't write ..."

Same Size

A young boy went to the store with his grandmother. On the way home, he looked at the items she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "queen size."

Excited, the boy turned to his grandmother and exclaimed,

"Look, Grandma! You wear the same size as your bed."

Bank Robbers

The bank robbers arrived just before closing and promptly ordered the few remaining depositors, the tellers, clerks, and guards to disrobe and lie face down on the floor, behind the counter.

One nervous blonde pulled off all her clothes and lay down on the floor facing upwards.

"Turn over, Cindy," whispered the girl lying beside her. "This is a stick-up,... not an office party!"

New Shiny Watch

Johnny was in the playground with his friend Jimmy when he noticed the brand new shiny watch Jimmy was wearing.

"Did you get that for your birthday?" he asked.

"Nope," Jimmy replied.

"Well, did you get it for Christmas then?" Johnny asked.

"Nope."

"You didn't steal it did you?"

"No," said Jimmy. "I went into Mom and Dad's bedroom the other night when they were on the job. Dad gave me his watch to get rid of me."

Johnny was extremely impressed with this idea, and extremely jealous of Jimmy's new watch. He vowed to get one for himself.

That night he waited outside his parents' room until he heard the unmistakable noises of lovemaking.

Johnny swung the door wide open and boldly strode into the bedroom.

His father, caught in mid stroke, turned and asked him angrily, "What do you want now?"

"I wanna watch," Johnny replied.

"Well, stand in the corner and keep quiet then," said his father.

Another

A man walks into a bar and says "Bartender gimme a triple shot of Jack".

The bartender pours, and the man downs it, slams the glass on the bar and says "Another".

The bartender pours another. The man downs it and says "Another".

As the bartender pours the third glass he says, "Mister you drink like you have a problem. Want to talk about it?"

The man says, "Ten years, ten years I've been married to my wife, and today I go home a little early to surprise her, and I find my best friend, my best friend, in bed having sex with her."

The bartender says "Geez, what did you say."

The man says " I told him, BAD DOG! BAD DOG!"

First Grade

Two little boys in first grade were chosen to be the leads in their first school play. It was to be a Shakespearean play. The first boy was to say "My fair maiden...I have come to snatch a kiss and fill your soul with hope."

The second little boy was to reply by saying, "Hark, a pistol shot."

Well, on opening night in the school auditorium, the two little boys were a bit nervous, knowing that all the seats were going to be filled with grown ups.

The teacher told them to take their places on the stage and to remember to speak very loud as soon as the curtain goes up.

The curtain rose and looking out upon the audience the two boys were terrified. They stood there staring out at the audience, frozen. So the teacher whispered for them to begin. The first boy yelled out these unforgettable words....

"My fair maiden...I have come to kiss your snatch!! And fill your hole with soap."

The second boy screams out..."Hark! a shistol pot, a postle shiss, a pot of shit, horse shit, bull shit... I never wanted to be in this lousy play anyway.."

The audience left howling.