Cold And Chilly

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?

"In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in January and the second time is in August"

Nun with a Tin Cup

A guy was in New York on a business trip and decided to head to a local bar for a drink. Standing outside the bar was a nun holding a tin cup. As the man threw a few bucks into her cup the nun launched into a long tirade about the evils of alcohol. She went on and on about how alcohol was tearing apart the fabric of society and how it was the root of all the city's problems.

Slightly pissed off at having to listen to this the guy said, "Listen sister, I work hard for my money and sometimes at the end of a long day I like a drink or two. That doesn't make me a bad person. I have a wife I idolize and two wonderful kids at home. I provide for my family, I volunteer my time to several local service clubs and I contribute regularly to various charities. Yet you stand here and condemn me just because I drink the occasional glass of scotch!"

The nun was slightly taken aback and replied, "I see your point my son and I apologize if I offended you but the alcohol is such a powerful demon that all who consume it are doomed..."

"Look there you go again," said the man, "How can you make such a sweeping statement. Have you ever even TRIED alcohol?"

"Of course not!" gasped the nun, "The evil alcohol has never touched my lips."

"Do you really think that one glass of booze can change you from a devout nun to some kind of evil degenerate?"

"Well, I really don't know ...."

"I'll tell you what, come into the bar with me and I'll buy you a drink. One drink. I'll prove to you that "evil" is not inside the glass, it's inside the person."

"Oh I could never be seen going into such a den of inequity, it's out of the question. However, your comment about evil residing in the person rather than the glass is quite intriguing. I must admit you've aroused a curiosity in me."

"Well let's go inside and settle this"

"No my son, I could never enter such a place... but how about this. Take my tin cup with you and fill it with this "scotch" you mentioned. Bring it out to me and I'll try it."

"You're on!" said the guy.

The nun removed all the change and handed him the tin cup. He went into the bar and said to the bartender, "Two scotch on the rocks, and could you put one of them in this tin cup please"

The bartender sighed and said, "Is that fucking nun out there again!"

Never Slept With A Man

"I never slept with a man until I married your father," declared the stern mother to her wild young daughter.

"Will you be able to say the same thing to your daughter?"

"Yes," replied the girl, "but not with such a straight face."

Female Sex Education

Three boys received their grades from their female sex education instructor. One got a D+, the second a D- and the third an F.

"One day we should get her for this," said the first boy.

"I agree. We'll grab her..." said the second.

"Yeah," said the third. "And then we'll kick her in the nuts!"

Sex Frog

A beautiful well-endowed young lady was searching the pet store for an exotic pet when she noticed a sign reading, "Sex Frogs! Only $20 each!" and then in small print, "Money Back Guarantee! Comes with complete instructions."

She pointed and whispered softly to the clerk, "Give me one of those."

The man packaged her new frog and said, "Follow the instructions carefully."

As soon as she got home, she read the instructions: Take a shower. Perfume your entire body. Slip into a sexy nightie. Climb into the bed. Place your frog beside you. She followed each instruction precisely but nothing happened! She was totally frustrated and not a little upset, so she reread the instructions to confirm that she had followed everything exactly. This time she saw the fine print at the bottom of the page: "If you have any problems, phone the pet store." She did.

The clerk responded, "I'll be right over." And within minutes, he was. "Show me exactly what you did."

She once again followed the instructions precisely. "Look," she said. "That dumb frog just sits there."

The clerk picked up the frog and spoke to it sternly. "Listen here, pal: I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Good way for Wishing

A few months after his parents were divorced, little Johnny passed by his mom's bedroom and saw her rubbing her body and moaning, "I need a man, I need a man!"

Over the next couple of months, he saw her doing this several times. One day, he came home from school and heard her moaning. When he peeked into her bedroom, he saw a man on top of her. Little Johnny ran into his room, took off his clothes, threw himself on his bed, started
stroking himself, and moaning:

"Ohh, I need a bike! Ahh, I need a bike!"

Horny

A man came home and said to his wife, "Honey, I'm sure horny; how about a little bit tonight?"

"No," she said, "I've got cold crème on my face and I'm afraid I might get it on the bed."

He said, "Ok," and went on to bed.

The next night he came in and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"

She said, "No, I've got a mud pack on my face and I'm afraid I might mess up the bed.

He said, "Ok." and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really horny tonight, how about a little bit?"

She said, "No, I took a laxative and I'm afraid I might shit on the bed."

He said, "Ok," and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home and said, "Honey, I'm really getting horny, how about a little bit tonight?"

She said, "No, I'm on my period. I'm afraid I might get blood on the bed."

"Ok," he said and went on to sleep.

The next night he came home with a big cowboy hat, jeans and spurs on.

His wife asked what the outfit was for.

He replied, "Cream, mud, shit, or blood, old Tex is gonna ride tonight!!"

Hair From Ass

A guy was spending the night with a married couple in their apartment. Since they didn't have a couch, they let him share their bed with them.

Once they all went to bed and the husband fell asleep, the wife whispered in the guy's ear, "Pull a hair from my husband's ass; if he is asleep we can have sex."

The guy pulled a hair from the husband's ass, and he didn't wake up, so the guy proceeded to make it with the wife. Not satisfied, the wife told him to do it a second, then a third time, which he happily did.

Finally, the husband rolled over and said wearily, "It's bad enough that you're fucking my wife in the same bed as me, but do you have to use my ass as a scoreboard?"

Visited Prostitutes

Kitty: I suspect that my ex used to visit prostitutes before we met.

Becky: What makes you think so?

Kitty: Well, one night we were just playing around, and he picked me up and headed for the bedroom.

Becky: So?

Kittyy: So I giggled and asked, "Should I struggle?" And he asked, "I don't know. Does that cost extra?"

Birthday Cake

For his wife's birthday party, a doctor ordered a cake with this inscription: "You are not getting older, You are just getting better."

When asked how he wanted it arranged, he said, "Just put 'You are not getting older' at the top, and 'You are just getting better' at the bottom."

It wasn't until the good doctor was helped to his feet after being hit over the head with his wife's walking stick, that he discovered it read:

"YOU ARE NOT GETTING OLDER AT THE TOP, YOU ARE JUST GETTING BETTER AT THE BOTTOM."

Can Beat That

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer and two young people show up. One is a good looking lad in his mid-twenties and the other is a gorgeous blonde about the same age.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugar coat it -- this is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first."

She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge at her. About half way there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body.

The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her ankles. He continues to lick her calves, kisses them and rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's mouth is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the young man and asks, "Can you top that?"

The young man replies. "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."

The New Arm

A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him.

"I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!"

"Oh God no!" cries the man. "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?"

"The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm. I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant."

"Go for it doc" says the man. "As long as I can play golf again."

The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon.

"Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon.

"Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved."

"That's great," said the surgeon.

"Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors."

"Unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?"

"Well, just one problem," said the golfer. "Every time I get an erection, I also get a headache."

100

A guy walks into a local pharmacy and walks up to the counter where a lady pharmacist is filling prescriptions.

When she finally gets around to helping him he says, "I'd like 99 condoms please".

With a surprised look on her face the pharmacist says, "99 Condoms!?! Fuck me!" to which the guy replies, "Make it 100 then."

Sex Starved Sailors

"Let us assume," said the professor, "that you are aboard a small craft alone in the Pacific, and you spot a vessel approaching you with several thousand sex-starved sailors on board. What would you do in this situation to avoid any problem?"

"I would attempt to turn my craft in the opposite direction," stated the brunette.

"I would pass them, trusting my knife and a bottle of mace to keep me safe," responded the redhead.

"Frankly" murmured the blonde, "I understand the situation, but I fail to see the problem."

Undress

Little Johnny was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one.

Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking off their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man.

The man asked Little Johnny, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!"

Little Johnny replied, "My mom and dad told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone... and I think its happening I feel something hard under my pants!"

Bride of Frankenstein

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a stand still in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep.

Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.

"He's never in the mood," complained the Bride.

"Try a romantic candlelight dinner," suggested the therapist.

The next day, the Bride returned to the therapist with a frown on her face. "He's still not in the mood," she complained.

"This time," the therapist recommended, "Try something more seductive. Put on some sexy lingerie and lure him into the bedroom."

But the Bride returned to the therapist the following day complaining that her monster of a husband was still not in the mood.

As a final piece of advice, the therapist said, "You should try to recreate the moment that first sparked your romance."

The next day the Bride returned with a huge grin on her face. "Thank you so much," she said to the therapist. "Last night, I forced Frankenstein to come outside in the middle of the lightening storm. And right there, in our backyard, he made love to me like it was our very first time."

"Making love in a lightening storm put him in the mood?" asked the therapist.

"Well," said the Bride of Frankenstein, "I tied a kite to his penis."

Button Mystery

On a flight to Singapore, a gentleman had made several attempts to get into the men's restroom, but it had always been occupied. The flight attendant noticed his predicament. Sir, she said," You may use the ladies room if you promise not to touch any of the buttons on the wall."

He did what he needed to, and as he sat there he noticed the buttons he had promised not to touch. Each button was identified by letters: WW, WA, PP, and a red one labeled ATR. Who would know if he touched them? He couldn't resist. He pushed WW. Warm water was sprayed gently upon his bottom. What a nice feeling, he thought.

Men's restrooms don't have nice things like this. Anticipating greater pleasure, he pushed the WA button. Warm air replaced the warm water, gently drying his underside. When this stopped, he pushed the PP button. A large powder puff caressed his bottom adding a fragile scent of spring flowers to this unbelievable pleasure. The ladies restroom was more than a restroom, it is tender loving pleasure.

When the powder puff completed its pleasure, he couldn't wait to push the ATR button which he knew would be supreme ecstasy. Next thing he knew he was in a hospital as he opened his eyes.

A nurse was staring down at him with a smirk on her face. "What happened?" he exclaimed. "You pushed one too many buttons," replied the nurse. "The last button marked ATR was an Automatic Tampon Remover." Your balls are in the bucket under the bed".

Expect For $10

One night, a horny old geezer decides to get himself a hooker. Since the man doesn't have much money, he looks for the cheapest whore in the nearest Red Light District. A short while later, he finds what he's looking for and spends $10 for oral sex and intercourse.

The next morning, the old geezer wakes up and discovers he has crabs. So, he gets dressed and heads down to where he had been the night before. He notices the same hooker on the street corner, so he marches over to her and says, "Hey, lady, you gave me crabs!"

The hooker replies, "Hey, old man, what did you expect for $10? Lobster?"

Bright Kid

A black boy and his sister were out trick or treating.

They go to the first house and ring the bell, the door soon opens.

The owner asks "What are you two dressed as?"

The black boy says, "We're dressed as Jack and Jill."

"You can't be Jack and Jill, they are white." the owner replied.

The children got their candy, thought about what they could say they were dressed as and went to the next house.

They rang the bell; the owner opened the door and asked them the same question the previous homeowner had asked.

The little girl replied, "We are dressed as Hansel and Gretel."

The owner told them they could not dress as Hansel and Gretel, since they were not white, like Hansel and Gretel.

The children thought long and hard about their dilemma as they moved to the next house.

The little boy came up with an idea and told his sister to take off her clothes.

Naked, they walked up to the door and rang the bell.

As the owner opened the door, the little boy piped up "We're dressed as Hershey bars, one with nuts, one without nuts."

Twist

It's the spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date, Peggy Sue. Bobby's a pretty hip guy with his own car and a ducktail hairdo. When he goes to the front door, Peggy Sue's father answers and invites him in.

"Peggy Sue's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?" he says.

"That's cool," says Bobby.

Peggy Sue's father asks Bobby what they are planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the malt shop or to a drive-in movie.

Peggy Sue's father responds, "Why don't you kids go out and screw? I hear all of the kids are doing it."

Naturally this comes as quite a surprise to Bobby and he says, "Whaaaat?"

"Yeah," says Peggy Sue's father, "Peggy Sue really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Bobby's eyes light up and he smiles from ear to ear. Immediately, he has revised the plans for the evening.

A few minutes later, Peggy Sue comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt with her saddle shoes and announces that she's ready to go.

Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door while Dad is saying, "Have a good evening, kids!"

About 20 minutes later, a thoroughly dishevelled Peggy Sue rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her and screams at her father: "Dammit, Daddy! The twist! It's called the twist!!"

Blow Job

Back in the good ole days in Texas, when stage coaches and the like were popular, there were three people in a stage coach one day: a true red blooded born and raised Texas gentleman, a tenderfoot city slicker from back East, and a beautiful and well endowed Texas lady.

The city slicker kept eyeing the lady, and finally he leaned forward and said, "Lady, I'll give you $10 for a blow job."

The Texas gentleman looked appalled, pulled out his pistol, and killed the city slicker on the spot.

The lady gasped and said, "Thank you, suh, for defendin' mah honor!"

Whereupon the Texan holstered his gun and said, "Your honor, hell! No tenderfoot is gonna raise the price of a woman in Texas!"

Airplane Quickie

Two voices, one male and one female, overheard on a plane:

"I think everyone's asleep, let's go."

"This one's empty ... no-ones looking... you go in first."

"It's a bit cramped - let me sit down!"

"Have you got the condom? Quick - put it on."

Sniff, sniff ,"Ah perfume - you think of everything!"

"This is great....." (long sigh!)

Static on the loud speaker, then a new voice: "This is the captain speaking, to those two people in the rear toilet. We know what you're doing, and it is expressly forbidden by airline regulations. Now put those cigarettes out and take the condom off the smoke detector."

Docs Assistant

A Doctor in Minnesota wanted to get off work and go hunting, so he told his assistant "Sara, I am going hunting tomorrow and we don't want to close the clinic. I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of our patients".

"Yes, sir..." answers Sara.

The doctor goes hunting and returns the next day and asks: "So Sara, how was your day?"

Sara tells him he took care of three patients. "The first one had a headache, so I gave him TYLENOL." "Good job Sara, and the second one?" says the doctor.

"The second one had stomach burning, and I gave him MAALOX, sir," says Sara.

"Awesome! You're good at this and what; about the third one?" asks the doctor.

"Sir, I was sitting here, and suddenly the door opens, and a woman enters like a flame. She undresses herself, taking off her bra and panties then lies down on the table, spread her legs and shouts: HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!!!"

"And what did you do Sara?" asks the doctor.

"I put eye drops in her eyes."

Urinal Performing

Three accountants were in the urinal performing their morning constitutional. The first finishes and walks over to the sink to wash his hands. He then proceeds to dry his hands carefully. He uses paper towel after paper towel and ensures that every single spot of water on his hands is dried.

Turning to other two accountants, he says - "Chartered Accountants are trained to be extremely thorough."

The second finishes his task at the urinal and he proceeds to wash his hands. He uses a single paper and makes sure that he dries every drop of water from his hands using every available portion of the paper towel. He turns and says - "Certified Accountants are not only trained be extremely thorough but also trained to be extremely efficient."

The third accountant finishes and walks straight for the door. "Management Accountants learn not to piss on their hands."