A Good Witch

One afternoon, there was this good witch who was flying along, when all of a sudden, she heard this soft crying from down below. When she landed, she saw this yellow frog. Touched by his sadness, the witch asked why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other frogs will let me join in all their frog games. Boo hoo."

"Don't cry, little one.", replied the witch, and with a wave of her magic wand, the frog turned green.

All happy now, the frog was checking himself over when he noticed that his penis was still yellow. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if he saw the wizard, he'd fix things up for him.

So happily, the little green frog hippity-hopped along his merry way. Feeling quick happy about herself, the witch once more took to the skies, and once again, she heard some crying, but this time of a thunderous sort. So down to the ground she flew only to discover a pink elephant. The witch asked him why he was crying.

"Sniff. None of the other elephants will let me join in all their elephant games. Boo hoo."

Now if you have ever seen an elephant cry, you know it to be a pathetic looking sight, but a PINK elephant crying is just downright heart-breaking, and that is just how the witch felt. So once again,
she waved her magic wand, and *POOF*, the elephant was all grey.

All happy now, the elephant was checking himself all over when he noticed that his penis was still pink. He asked an embarrassed witch about this, and she told him that there were some things that she just couldn't do, but if saw the wizard, he would fix things up for him. At this point, the elephant just started wailing. "I don't know where the wizard is", he sobbed.

"Oh that's easy. Just follow the yellow pricked toad", said the good witch.

A Graduate Student in Psychology

A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, "No, I won't sleep with you tonight!" Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I'm a graduate student in psychology and I'm studying how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, "What do you mean, $200?"

All Blue

"I think I have a problem, Doc," says a patient. "One of my balls has turned blue."
 
The doctor examines the man briefly and concludes that the patient will die if he doesn't have his testicle removed.
 
"Are you crazy?!" bursts the patient. "How could I let you do such a thing to me!"
 
"You want to die?" asks the doctor rhetorically, at which point the patient has to agree to have his testicle removed. Two weeks after the operation, the patient comes back. "Doc, I don't know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue, too." 

Again, the doctor tells him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off, too. Again, the man is very reluctant to the idea.

"Hey, you want to die?" asks the doctor, and the patient has to agree with the operation. After two weeks of being testicle-less, the patient returns to the doctor and says, "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue."
 
After briefly examining the patient, the doctor gives him the bad news: If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, the patient does not want to hear about it. "You want to die?" asks the doctor.
 
"But...how do I pee?"
 
"We'll install a plastic pipe, and there will be no problem." So the patient has his penis removed, and, a while after the operation, the unfortunate man enters the doctor's office again. He is very angry.
 
"Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue!"
 
"What?"
 
"Can you tell me what the hell is happening??"
 
The doctor examines the patient more carefully and says, "Hmmm, I don't know. Could it be the jeans?"

Easy Tommy

A woman in a supermarket is following a grandfather and his badly-behaved 3-year-old grandson. It's obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for candy in the candy aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Grandpa is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, "Easy, Tommy,we won't be long . . . easy, boy."

Another outburst and she hears the grandpa calmly say: "It's okay, Tommy, just a couple more minutes and we'll be out of here. Hang in there, boy." 

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart and Grandpa says again in a controlled voice, "Tommy, Tommy relax buddy, don't get upset. We'll be home in five minutes, stay cool, Tommy boy.

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She says to the elderly man, "It's none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don't know how you did it. That whole time you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying 'things would be okay...Tommy is very lucky to have you as his grandpa."

"Thanks," said the grandpa, "but I'm Tommy,This wee shit's name is Billy.

All-night Duty

A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. 

She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache."
 
"Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. 

As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?"
 
"Yes, I am," said the officer.
 
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"

American History

It was the first day of school in Marietta, Georgia, and a new student named Suzuki, the son of a Japanese businessman, entered the fourth grade.
 
The teacher said, "Let's begin by reviewing some American history. Who said 'Give me Liberty, or give me Death?'"
 
 She saw a sea of blank faces, except for Suzuki, who had his hand up. "Patrick Henry, 1775," he said.
 
 "Very good! Who said 'Government of the people, by the people, for the people, shall not perish from the earth'"? Again, no response except from Suzuki. "Abraham Lincoln, 1863.", said Suzuki.
 
 The teacher snapped at the class, "Class, you should be ashamed. Suzuki, who is new to our country, knows more about its history than you do." He heard a loud whisper: "Fuck the Japs."
 
 "Who said that?" she demanded. Suzuki put his hand up. "Lee Iacocca, 1982."
 
At that point, a student in the back said, "I'm gonna puke." 

The teacher glares and asks "All right! Now, who said that?" Again, Suzuki says, "George Bush to the Japanese Prime Minister, 1991."
 
 Now furious, another student yells, "Oh yeah? Suck this!" 

Suzuki jumps out of his chair waving his hand and shouts to the teacher: "Bill Clinton, to Monica Lewinsky, 1997!"

Epic Blonde Joke

A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer, who was also a blonde.

The cop asked to see her driver's license. She dug through her purse and was getting progressively more agitated.

"What does it look like?" Asked the blonde

The policewoman replied, "It's square and it has your picture on it."

The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse, looked at it and handed it to the policewoman.

"Here it is." she said

The officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying, "OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop..."

Starting of a Christmas Tradition

One particular Christmas a long time ago, Santa was getting ready for his annual trip... but there were problems everywhere. Four of his elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, so Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule. Then, Mrs. Claus told him that her Mom was coming to visit. This stressed Santa even more.

Then when he went to harness the Reindeer, he found three of them jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress. Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the boards cracked and the toy bag fell to the ground, and scattered the toys. So, frustrated, Santa went back into the house for a cup of coffee and a shot of whiskey.

When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had hid the liquor and there was nothing to drink. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the coffee pot and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw it was made from.

Just then, the doorbell rang and Santa cussed his way to the door. He opened the door and there was a little angel with a great big Christmas Tree. The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas Santa. Isn't it just a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you, Isn't it just a lovely tree? Where would you like me to stick it?"

Thus began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas Tree

The Ventriloquist Cowboy

A ventriloquist cowboy walks into town and sees an Indian sitting near his pad.

Cowboy: Hey, cool dog. Mind if I speak to him?
 
Indian: Dog no talk.
 
Cowboy: Hey dog, how's it going?
 
Dog: Doin' all right. Indian: [Extreme look of shock]
 
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
 
Dog: Yep
 
Cowboy: How's he treating you?
 
Dog: Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play. Indian: [look of disbelief] 

Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your horse?
 
Indian: Horse no talk.
 
Cowboy: Hey horse, how's it going?
 
Horse: Cool. Indian: [extreme look of shock]
 
Cowboy: Is this your owner? [pointing at Indian]
 
Horse: Yep
 
Cowboy: How's he treating you?
 
Horse: Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements. Indian: [total look of amazement]
 
Cowboy: Mind if I talk to your sheep?
 
Indian: Sheep lie!

Ball Buster

"Doc," says Jay, "I want to be castrated."
 
"What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement.
 
"It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Jay.
 
"But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!"
 
"I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor."
 
"Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!"
 
So Jay has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way.
 
"Hi there," says Jay,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me."
 
"Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
 
Jay stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!

Are You Gay?

A man dies and due to his evil and sinful life, goes to hell. The devil himself meets him at the gates of hell and tells him, "I don't know what all you've heard up there, but hell isn't all that bad a place. Let me ask you, do you like to smoke?"
 
The man answers, "Yes, I do"
 
"Oh, good then," the devil says, "You'll LOVE Mondays. Every Monday we all sit around and smoke cigarettes, cigars, pipes, try out new types of tobacco. Do you like to drink?"
 
The man answers, "Yeah, sure, I like to drink."
 
The devil says, "Good, you'll love Tuesdays, then. All we do on Tuesdays is sit around and drink beer, wine, and all kinds of different mixed drinks."
 
"You'll just love Tuesdays. Do you like to swear?"
 
"Sure," says the man, "I swear a lot."
 
"Great then. You'll love Wednesdays."
 
The devil says, "On Wednesdays, all we do is sit around and swear a lot, we try to make up new cuss words, and have a great time, you'll just love Wednesdays."
 
"Oh, by the way," asks the devil, "Are you gay?"
 
"Hell no," the man replies, "I hate fags!"
 
The devil look at him, and says, "Then you're gonna hate Thursdays."

Artificial Respiration

While leading a party of Girl Scouts through the woods in silent Indian fashion, the troop leader suddenly came upon a clearing where a young couple was engaged in an indecent act.
 
"Back ladies, back!" cried the leader. "There's a very dangerous beast out there!"
 
But it was too late. Several of the girls had more or less seen it all. They asked their leader what was happening.
 
"Well, if you must know, that man and woman were practicing a brand new form of artificial respiration." 

"Wow!" exclaimed the oldest of the group. "I know which merit badge I'm gonna try for next."

Small Step for Man

When Neil Armstrong first walked on the moon, he said "One small step for man, one giant leap for mankind, good luck Mr. Goorski."

For years, mission control tried to find what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski." They checked with Russian astronauts but could not locate Mr. Goorski. Until now, Neil would not reveal what he meant by "Good luck Mr. Goorski."

Today in a press conference, he told reporters that years ago, when he was a young boy, he and his brother were playing ball when his brother hit the ball under their neighbor's bedroom window.

When Neil went to retrieve the ball, he overheard his neighbor's wife, Mrs. Goorski,
telling her husband, "ORAL SEX? I'LL GIVE YOU ORAL SEX WHEN THE KID
NEXT DOOR WALKS ON THE MOON!"

Scotsmen first Baseball Game

A recent Scottish immigrant attends his first baseball game in his new country, and after a base hit he hears the fans roaring, "Run....run!"
 
The next batter connects heavily with the ball and the Scotsman stands up and roars with the crowd in his thick accent, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-run will ya!"
 
A third batter slams a hit and again the Scotsman, obviously pleased with his knowledge of the game, screams, "R-r-run ya bahstard, r-r-run will ya!"
 
The next batter holds his swing at three and two and as the ump calls a walk. The Scotsman stands up yelling: "R-r-run ya Bahstard, r-r-run!"
 
All the surrounding fans chuckle quietly and he sits down confused. A friendly fan, sensing his embarrassment whispers, "He doesn't have to run, he got four balls."
 
The Scotsman yells even louder, "Walk with pr-r-ride man! Walk with
pr-r-ride!"

Cannibals

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a malfunction, and went down. A few weeks later, the Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane. They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. 

They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
 
 The Chief said, "You betcha!"
 
When asked where the crew was, the Chief replied, "We ate the crew, and we drank the Pepsi."
 
 The Rescue crew were shocked. One man asked, "Did you eat their legs?"
 
The chief replied, "We ate their legs, and we drank the Pepsi."
 
Another rescuer asked, "Did you eat their arms?"
 
The Chief replied, "We ate their arms, and we drank the Pepsi."
 
After looking totally perplexed for a minute, a third asked, "Did you...you know...eat, their...'things'?"
 
 The chief says, "No."
 
"No?" asked the rescuer.
 
"No," replied the Chief, "THINGS go better with Coke."

Congratulations

While the bar patron savored a double martini, an attractive women sat down next to him. The bartender served her a glass of orange juice, and the man turned to her and said, "This is a special day. I'm celebrating."
 
"I'm celebrating, too," she replied, clinking glasses with him.
 
"What are you celebrating?" he asked.
 
"For years I've been trying to have a child," she answered, "Today my gynecologist told me I'm pregnant!"
 
"Congratulations," the man said, lifting his glass.
 
"As it happens, I'm a chicken farmer, and for years all my hens were infertile. But today they're finally fertile." "How did it happen?"
 
"I switched cocks."
 
"What a coincidence," she said, smiling.

Cowboy Wishes

It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow-choked trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to shoot the snake.
 
"Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot - I'm an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any three wishes you want."
 
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a body like Arnold Schwarzenagger, and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this horse I'm, riding."
 
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house you'll have all three wishes."
 
The cowboy turned his horse around and galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on the run and went straight inside to the mirror. Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like Arnold Schwarzenagger's.
 
Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at his crotch and shouted, "My God, I forgot I was riding the Mare!"

Dam Fish

There was a boy standing on a corner selling fish. He was saying, "Dam fish for sale, dam fish for sale." 

A preacher walked up and asked why he was calling them dam fish. The kid said, "I caught them at the dam, so they're dam fish."
 
The preacher bought some, took them home and asked his wife to cook the dam fish.
 
His wife looked at him in bewilderment and said, "Preachers aren't supposed to talk like that."
 
The preacher explained why they were dam fish, and she agreed to cook them. When dinner was ready and everyone was sitting down, the preacher asked his son to pass him the dam fish.
 
 His son replied, "That's the spirit dad. Pass the fucking potatoes!"

Dear Diary

Aug. 12 - Moved to our new home in Canada. I am so excited. It's so beautiful here. The mountains are so majestic. Can hardly wait to see them with snow covering them.

Oct. 14 - Canada--it is the most beautiful place on earth. The leaves have turned all colors and shades of red and orange. Went for a ride through the beautiful countryside and saw some deer. They are so graceful. Certainly they are the most wonderful animals on earth. This must be paradise. I love it here!

Nov. 11 - Remembrance Day. Deer season starts soon. I can't imagine anyone wanting to kill such a gorgeous creature. Hope it snows soon. I love it here!

Dec. 2 - It snowed last night. Woke up to find everything blanketed with white. It looks like a postcard. We went outside and cleaned the snow off the steps and shoveled the driveway. We had a snowball fight (I won). When the snowplow came by we had to shovel the driveway again. What a beautiful place. I love Canada!

Dec. 12 - More snow last night. The snowplow did his trick again to the driveway. I love it here.

Dec. 19 - More snow last night. Couldn't get out of the driveway to get to work. It's beautiful here but I'm exhausted from shoveling. Fucking snowplow.

Dec. 22 - More of that white shit fell last night. I've got blisters on my hands and a sore back from shoveling. I think the snowplow hides around the corner until I'm done shoveling the driveway. Asshole.

Dec. 25 - Merry Fucking Christmas! More frigging snow. If I ever get my hands on the sonovabitch who drives the snowplow, I swear I'll kill the bastard. Don't know why they don't use more salt on the roads to melt the fucking ice.

Dec. 27 - More white shit last night. Been inside for three days now except for shoveling out the driveway after that snowplow goes through every time. Can't go anywhere, the car's stuck in a mountain of white shit and it's so frigging cold. The weatherman says to expect another 10 inches of the shit again tonight. Do you know how many shovels full of snow 10 inches is?

Dec. 28 - That fucking weatherman was wrong. We got 34 inches of the shit this time. At this rate it won't melt before summer. The snowplow got stuck up in the road and that bastard came to my door and asked to borrow my shovel. After I told him that I had already broken six shovels shoveling out all the shit he had pushed into my driveway, I damn near broke my last one over his fucking head.

Jan. 4 - Finally got out of the house today. Went to the store to get food and on my way back a damned deer ran in front of the car. Did about $3,000 damage to the car. Those fucking beasts should be killed. The bastards are everywhere. Wish the hunters had exterminated them all last November.

May 3 - Took the car to the garage in town. Would you believe the thing is rusted out from all that fucking salt they put all over the roads.

May 10 - Moved to Florida. I can't imagine why anyone in their right mind would ever want to live in such a God forsaken place as Canada!

Deer

A teacher in New York City wanted to see how many animals the city kids in her fourth-grade class could identify. She drew a picture of a cow on the blackboard and said, "Who can tell me what this is?"
 
A little girl raised her hand. "Yes, Janie, what do you think it is?"
 
"It's a cow, teacher."
 
"Very good, Janie," said the teacher.
 
Then she drew a picture of a pig, and a little boy answered correctly. She drew several other barnyard animals and was unable to stump the class. Finally, she decided to try something a little more difficult. She drew a stag with a large spread of antlers. The kids just stared, but nobody offered an answer.
 
"I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "What does your mommy call your daddy when she's trying to be 'lovey-dovey'?"
 
 Instantly, little Johnny raised his hand and said, "I know, Teacher. It's a big horny bastard!"

Dominated By Women

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines, one line for the men that dominated their women on earth, and the other line for the men who were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St. Peter."

The next time God looked, the women are gone, and there are two lines. The line for the men who were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men who dominated their women there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image, and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons who stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them, my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

The man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

Drinking Buddies

There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.
 
And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend's illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time.
 
"Shawn," said Pat, "can you hear me?"
 
Faintly, Shawn replied, "Yes, Paddy, I can."
 
Bashfully, Pat started, "Do you remember our pact, Shawn?"
 
"Yes, I do Patty," Shawn strained.
 
"And, you'll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?" said Pat.
 
"Yes Patty, I do," whispered Shawn.
 
"It's a very old bottle now, you know," urged Pat.
 
"And what are you gettin' at Pat?" asked Shawn, briskly.
 
"Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?"

Duck Hunting

One weekend, a man from the city decided to go duck hunting. He headed for the country and stopped at a field that looked as though it could attract ducks. While walking through a field, several ducks flew overhead. He aimed, fired, and shot one of the ducks out of the sky. However, the duck landed on the other side of a large irrigation ditch with no signs of any nearby crossing. 

He briefly thought about leaving the duck but realized that the weather was becoming worse. Not wanting to return home empty handed, he decided to try and find some way across. About a quarter mile further ahead he found a crossing and, as he walked back along the other side, came across a farmer who was carrying his duck. 

"Excuse me?" he said, "I believe that's my duck you're carrying."
 
"Oh I don't think so," replied the farmer, "It landed on my property. This here's my duck."
 
 They argued back and forth for a few minutes and then the farmer suggested a solution.
 
"Let's settle this the country way. We'll take turns kicking each other in the balls and the first man to give in, gives up the duck."
 
 The hunter thought about it for a minute. At first he questioned the sanity of engaging in a "ball-kicking" contest but felt he was tough enough and accepted the challenge.
 
 "Alright then," Said the farmer, "I'll go first."
 
The hunter took a deep breath and prepared himself for the blow. The farmer reared back and kicked the hunter in the balls as hard as he could. The hunter moaned and dropped to the ground, rolling around in pain as he grasped his groin. After several minutes the hunter
recovered to his feet, took several deep breaths and said, "Okay, now it's my turn."
 
 The farmer looks at the hunter, shakes his head and says, "Oh, that's okay, you can have you're duck."

Experimental Pill

A lady goes to the doctor and complains that her husband is losing interest in sex. The doctor gives her a pill but warns her that it is still experimental and tells her to slip it into his mashed potatoes at dinner. That night at dinner, she does so.
 
 About a week later, she's back at the doctor. She says, "Doc, the pill worked great! I put it in the potatoes like you said! It wasn't five minutes, and he jumps up, rakes all the food
and dishes on the floor, grabs me, rips all my clothes off, and ravages me right there on the table!"
 
 The doctor says, "I'm sorry, we didn't realize the pill was that strong. The foundation will be glad to pay for any damages."
 
 "Naah," she says, "that's okay. We aren't going back to that restaurant anyway."

Food

A woman asks her husband if he'd like some breakfast-bacon, eggs, perhaps a slice of toast? An Aitken's buttery? Grapefruit with ginger and coffee to follow?
 
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."
 
At lunch time, she asks if he would like something-a bowl of homemade soup, maybe, with a cheese sandwich? Perhaps a plate of snacks and a glass of milk?
 
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It has really taken the edge off my appetite."  

Come dinner time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers to go to the cafe and buy him a burger supper. Maybe a red pudding or a steak pie? Maybe he'd like a pizza microwaved? Or a tasty stir-fry that would only take a couple of minutes?
 
He declines. "It's this Viagra", he says. "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."
 
"Well," she says, "would you mind getting off me? I'm starving!"

Fuel Injected

Bud and Jim were a couple of drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Atlanta. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
 
Bud says, "Man, I wish we had something to drink!" 

Jim says, "Me too. Y'know, I've heard you can drink jet fuel and get a buzz. You wanna
try it?" 

So they pour themselves a couple of glasses of high octane hooch and get completely smashed. The next morning Bud wakes up and is surprised at how good he feels. In fact he feels GREAT! NO hangover! NO bad side effects. Nothing! Then the phone rings... It's Jim.
 
Jim says, "Hey, how do you feel this morning?" 

Bud says, "I feel great. How about you?" 

Jim says, "I feel great, too. You don't have a hangover?" 

Bud says, "No, that jet fuel is great stuff -- no hangover, nothing. We ought to do this more often." 

"Yeah, well there's just one thing..." 

"What's that?" 

"Have you farted yet?" 

"No....."
 
 "Well, DON'T, cause I'm in PHOENIX!!!"

First Exam

A man went into the proctologist's office for his first exam. The doctor told him to have a seat in the examination room and that he would be with him in just a few minutes.

Well, when the man sat down in the examination room, he noticed that there were three items on a stand next to the doctor's desk: a tube of K-Y jelly, a rubber glove, and a beer.

When the doctor came in, the man said, "Look Doc, this is my first exam... I know what the K-Y is for... and I know what the glove is for... but what's the BEER for?"

At this instant, the doctor became noticeably outraged and stormed over to the door. The doc flung the door open and yelled to his nurse, "Come on, nurse!!!... I said a BUTT LIGHT!!!"

How Old Are You

A little girl and her mother were out and about. Out of the blue, the girl asked her mother, "Mommy, How old are you?"
 
The mother responded, "Honey, women don't talk about their age. You'll learn this as you get older."  

The girl then asked, "Mommy, how much do you weigh?"
 
Her mother responded again, "That's another thing women don't talk about. You'll learn this, too, as you grow up."
 
The girl, still wanting to know about her mother, then fired off another question, "Mommy, why did you and Daddy get a divorce?"
 
The mother, a little annoyed by the questions, responded, "Honey, that is a subject that hurts me very much, and I don't want to talk about it now."
 
The little girl, frustrated, sulked until she was dropped off at a friend's house to play. She consulted with her girlfriend about her and her mother's conversation.
 
The girlfriend said, "All you have to do is sneak a look at your mother's driver's license. It's just a like a report card from school. It tells you everything."
 
Later, the little girl and her mother were out and about again. The little girl started off with, "Mommy, Mommy, I know how old you are. I know how old you are. You're 32 years old."
 
The mother was very shocked. She asked, "Sweetheart, how do you know that?"
 
The little girl shrugged and said, "I just know. And I know how much you weigh. You weigh 130 pounds."
 
"Where did you learn that?"
 
The little girl said, "I just know. And I know why you and Daddy got a divorce. You got an 'F' in sex."