A man is celebrating his daughter’s 18TH birthday. And is pondering “I'm so glad this is my last damn child support payment. Month after month, year after year, those ...damn payments!”
So he calls his girl to come over to his house and says “Baby, I want you to do me a favor. Take this last check to over to your mom, and tell her this is the last damn check she's going to get from me. Later I want you to tell me the expression on her face."
The girl takes the check home and the following day comes back to her Dad’s house. He is anxious to hear what the bitch had to say and what she looked like, so he asked "Now what did she have to say?"
His daughter says "She told me to tell you. THAT YOUR AIN'T MY DADDY!!!"
Wednesday, February 27, 2013
Tuesday, February 26, 2013
Tampon
A man was walking down the road then he kicked a bottle. All of the sudden a genie popped out, “I will grant you three wishes."
The man smiled and said," Ok, I want to be soft to the touch, but hard as a rock and surrounded by pussy."
The genie smiled, "Wish granted."
The man turned into a tampon.
The man smiled and said," Ok, I want to be soft to the touch, but hard as a rock and surrounded by pussy."
The genie smiled, "Wish granted."
The man turned into a tampon.
Sunday, February 24, 2013
The Proposal
The President of Chase Manhattan Bank decides he should take a vacation/business trip. Since the president has heard how much fun Taipei is, he decides to visit the offices there. He books two tickets, one for him and one for his secretary. After his arrival in Taipei, the president receives an urgent message from headquarters that the richest man in Taiwan wants to put all his money into a Chase Manhattan account. Since the account would be quite substantial, the president decides to meet personally with the man.
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary. After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for a while then, with a nod of his head, answers, and “No problem I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."
The man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, and then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut
The next day, the president and his secretary go to meet the Taiwanese at an exclusive restaurant. Throughout the dinner, the president tries to bring up the subject of opening the new account but the prospective client only seems interested in the president's secretary. After dinner, the businessman asks the secretary to spend the rest of the evening seeing the sights in Taipei with him. Not wishing to offend the prospective client, the president orders his secretary to go ahead but tells her that she must be diplomatic and under no circumstances is she to insult the man by rejecting him outright.
After going to a dance club for a few hours, the businessman takes the secretary aside. As he holds her hand and looks her straight into her eyes, he tells her that he loves her. Then, he gets on his knees and asks her to marry him. Naturally, the secretary is quite taken aback. However, she remembers what her boss told her: Don't reject the guy outright. So, she tries to think of a way to dissuade the businessman from wanting to marry her.
After a few minutes, the woman says, "I will only marry you under three conditions. First, I want my engagement ring to be a seventy-five carat diamond ring, with a matching two hundred carat diamond tiara."
The Taiwanese man pauses for a while then, with a nod of his head, answers, and “No problem I buy. I buy."
Realizing that her first condition was too easy, the woman says, "My second condition is a one hundred-room mansion in New York. As a vacation home, I want a chateau built in the middle of the Gironde in France."
The man pauses for a while. He whips out his cellular phone, calls some brokers in New York, and then he calls some real estate agents in France. He looks at the woman, nods his head and says, "Okay, okay. I build, I build."
Realizing that she has one last condition, the secretary knows that she'd better make this a good one. She takes her time to think and finally, she gets an idea. A sure-to-work condition. She squints her eyes, looks at the man and says, rather coldly, "Since I like to have sex, I want the man I marry to have a twelve-inch penis."
The man seems a bit disturbed. He cups his face in his hands and rests his elbows on the table. All the while, he's muttering something in Chinese.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, the man shakes his head, looking real sad, says to the woman,
"OK. I cut. I cut
Saturday, February 23, 2013
Saving Up
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel.
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"Ohhh my God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!
The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak,"Ohhh my God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years and I thought he meant his money!!"
Friday, February 22, 2013
Camping
Two kids are camping, Jim and Earl. Earl had to take a pee and a snake bit him.
He screams, "I’ve been bitten, call up to see what to d.".
Little Jim calls up and the doctor says "You got to suck the venom out."
Little Jim hangs up and asks Earl:”Where is the bite?"
Earl says "On my penis, what did the doctor say?"
Jim replies "The doctor said your going to die."
He screams, "I’ve been bitten, call up to see what to d.".
Little Jim calls up and the doctor says "You got to suck the venom out."
Little Jim hangs up and asks Earl:”Where is the bite?"
Earl says "On my penis, what did the doctor say?"
Jim replies "The doctor said your going to die."
Thursday, February 21, 2013
Frederick's of Hollywood
At Frederick's of Hollywood a husband wants to buy his wife the sheerest lingerie he can find. "This is $200," says the saleswoman, showing him an item.
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350." "
Sheerer than that."
"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!" he replies.
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
"I want one that's more sheer," says he.
"This one is $350." "
Sheerer than that."
"This is the sheerest we have. It's $500."
"I'll take it!" he replies.
The man goes home to his wife and shows it to her, saying, "Go put this on and come down to model it for me."
She goes upstairs, opens the box and thinks, "This thing is so see-through that the old coot won't even notice if I'm wearing it or not. I can take it back for a refund and he won't know the difference."
So she comes out wearing nothing at all and strikes a pose at the top of the stairs. "So, how do you like it?" she asks.
He looks at her a moment and says, "Well, you'd think for $500 they'd iron the thing."
Wednesday, February 20, 2013
Lazy Husband
This woman could never get her husband to do anything around the house. He would come home from work, sit in front of the tv, eat dinner, and sit some more. He would never do those little household repairs that most husbands take care of. This frustrated the woman quite a bit. One day the toilet stopped up. When her husband got home, she said sweetly, "Honey, the toilet is clogged. Would you look at it?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
Her husband snarled, "What do I look like? The Tidy-Bowl man?" and sat down on the sofa.
The next day, the garbage disposal wouldn't work. When her husband got home she said, very nicely, "Honey, the disposal won't work. Would you try to fix it for me?"
Once again, he growled, "What do I look? Mr. Plumber?"
The next day, the washing machine was on the blink. When her husband got home, she steeled her courage and said, "Honey, the washer isn't running. Would you check on it?"
And again she was met with a snarl, "What do I look like? The Maytag repairman?"
Finally, she had had enough. The next morning, the woman called three repairmen to fix the toilet, the garbage disposal, and the washer.
When her husband got home, she said, "Honey, I had the repairmen out today."
He frowned, "Well, how much is that going to cost?"
"Well, honey, they all said I could pay them by baking them a cake or having sex with them."
"Well, what kind of cakes did you bake them?"
She smiled. "What do I look like, BETTY CROCKER?"
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
More Naughty Questions
12. I make some guys shoot in the air. I usually have a little pecker. I'm better in your hand than in your bush. What am I?
13. What do all men have, some have it long some have it short the pope doesn't use it, when a man gets married their wife gets it. what am i?
14. my name starts with a "c" and ends in a "t" i am hairy, im in a ball shape, i am squishy inside what am i?
15. my name starts with a "f" and ends in a "uck" i give out alot of excitement and heat what am i?
16. What fits neatly between your breasts, works best when tugged, and inserts neatly into a whole. What am I?
17. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?
18. What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love. What am I?
19. I have fuzzy balls, Someone's going to be beaten, You start off with love, but that doesn't last. What am I?
20. I'm long, hard, and powered by batteries, I give off a steady stream, People grope for me in the dark. What am I?
21. I get laid in an alley, I often end up in the middle of your split, When you slip your finger inside me, I'm ready to roll. What am I?
22. You want to suck it, wanna move your tongue all over it, wanna fill it in your mouth, I am Ice cold. What am I?
Answer:
ɯɐǝɹɔ ǝɔı ˙22
llɐq ƃuılʍoq ˙12
ɥɔɹoʇ ɐ ˙02
sıuuǝʇ ˙91
ʇɹɐǝɥ ˙81
ʇuǝʇ ˙71
ʇlǝqʇɐǝs ˙61
ʞɔnɹʇǝɹıɟ ˙51
ʇnuoɔoɔ ˙41
ǝɯɐu ʇsɐl ˙31
pɹıq ɐ ˙21
13. What do all men have, some have it long some have it short the pope doesn't use it, when a man gets married their wife gets it. what am i?
14. my name starts with a "c" and ends in a "t" i am hairy, im in a ball shape, i am squishy inside what am i?
15. my name starts with a "f" and ends in a "uck" i give out alot of excitement and heat what am i?
16. What fits neatly between your breasts, works best when tugged, and inserts neatly into a whole. What am I?
17. You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do. What am I?
18. What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, has lots of veins, like pumping, & is responsible for making love. What am I?
19. I have fuzzy balls, Someone's going to be beaten, You start off with love, but that doesn't last. What am I?
20. I'm long, hard, and powered by batteries, I give off a steady stream, People grope for me in the dark. What am I?
21. I get laid in an alley, I often end up in the middle of your split, When you slip your finger inside me, I'm ready to roll. What am I?
22. You want to suck it, wanna move your tongue all over it, wanna fill it in your mouth, I am Ice cold. What am I?
Answer:
ɯɐǝɹɔ ǝɔı ˙22
llɐq ƃuılʍoq ˙12
ɥɔɹoʇ ɐ ˙02
sıuuǝʇ ˙91
ʇɹɐǝɥ ˙81
ʇuǝʇ ˙71
ʇlǝqʇɐǝs ˙61
ʞɔnɹʇǝɹıɟ ˙51
ʇnuoɔoɔ ˙41
ǝɯɐu ʇsɐl ˙31
pɹıq ɐ ˙21
Monday, February 18, 2013
10 Questions that Sound Dirty but arn't
1. When I go in I might cause pain. I cause you to spit and ask you not to swallow. I can fill your hole. What am I?
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
11. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?
Answers:
ʍoɹɹɐ uɐ ˙11
ɥsnɹqɥʇooʇ ɐ ˙01
ǝuɐɹɔ ɐ ˙9
ǝʌolƃ ɐ ˙8
ʎoq ɹǝdɐdsʍǝu ɐ ˙7
ǝsou ɐ ˙6
ɹoʇɐʌǝlǝ uɐ ˙5
ɯnƃ ƃuıʍǝɥɔ˙4
ɹǝʇʇnq ʇnuɐǝd ˙3
ƃuıɹ ƃuıppǝʍ ɐ ˙2
ʇsıʇuǝp ɐ ˙1
2. A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first. What am I?
3. I'm spread before I'm eaten. Your tongue gets me off. People sometimes like to lick my nuts. What am I?
4. I go in hard. I come out soft. You blow me hard . What am I?
5. All day long it's in and out. I discharge loads from my shaft. Both men and women go down on me. What am I?
6. I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When You blow me you feel good. What am I?
7. If I miss, I hit your bush. It's my job to stuff your box. When I come, it's news. What am I?
8. I offer protection. I get the finger ten times. You use your fingers to get me off. What am I?
9. I assist an erection. Sometimes big balls hang from me. I'm called a big swinger. What am I?
10. I'm at least 6 inches long. I leave foamy lubrication when engaged in my job. What am I?
11. I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver. What am I?
Answers:
ʍoɹɹɐ uɐ ˙11
ɥsnɹqɥʇooʇ ɐ ˙01
ǝuɐɹɔ ɐ ˙9
ǝʌolƃ ɐ ˙8
ʎoq ɹǝdɐdsʍǝu ɐ ˙7
ǝsou ɐ ˙6
ɹoʇɐʌǝlǝ uɐ ˙5
ɯnƃ ƃuıʍǝɥɔ˙4
ɹǝʇʇnq ʇnuɐǝd ˙3
ƃuıɹ ƃuıppǝʍ ɐ ˙2
ʇsıʇuǝp ɐ ˙1
Saturday, February 16, 2013
Nerd Love
Son: How did I come to the world?
Father (is surfing): I'll explain it to you later.
Son: Why don't you tell me right now?
Father (is thinking of a sorrow and sighing): All right! You listen to me very carefully..."When your mom and me visited Internet together in the bedroom, I connected with your mom. I uploaded some data from my "memory stick" to your mom. After your mom downloaded all stuff, she screamed that she had not installed any "Anti Virus". And I hadn't installed any "Firewall" either. Both of us tried to delete the file and format the "hard disk" but found it's too late."
"Then, you appeared in the world after nine months."
Father (is surfing): I'll explain it to you later.
Son: Why don't you tell me right now?
Father (is thinking of a sorrow and sighing): All right! You listen to me very carefully..."When your mom and me visited Internet together in the bedroom, I connected with your mom. I uploaded some data from my "memory stick" to your mom. After your mom downloaded all stuff, she screamed that she had not installed any "Anti Virus". And I hadn't installed any "Firewall" either. Both of us tried to delete the file and format the "hard disk" but found it's too late."
"Then, you appeared in the world after nine months."
Friday, February 15, 2013
Bathroom Graffiti
This is a place to spill your guts....
Not a place to bust your nuts.........
So keep it nice and keep it neat......
And find another place to beat your meat.
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to shit and stink
I come here to scratch my balls
And read the writing on the walls
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
You look left and it reads: Look Right
You look right and it reads: Look Left.
Not a place to bust your nuts.........
So keep it nice and keep it neat......
And find another place to beat your meat.
Scratched into the paint of the condom-dispensing machine were these words:
"Don't buy this gum, it tastes like rubber."
Some come here to sit and think
Some come here to shit and stink
I come here to scratch my balls
And read the writing on the walls
While your sitting on the toilet you see written on the stall door:
Congratulations! You've won one free game of Toilet Tennis!
Look Left.
You look left and it reads: Look Right
You look right and it reads: Look Left.
Monday, February 11, 2013
Blind Pilots
In recent years part of Air Canada's settlement with its unions was the hiring of handicapped people. One day after that settlement, passengers on a small commuter plane were waiting for their flight to leave. The door opened and two men walked up the aisle, dressed in pilots' uniforms and both wearing dark glasses. One pilot was using a guide dog, and the other was tapping the aisle seats with a white cane. Nervous laughter spread through the cabin; but the men entered the cockpit, the door closed, and the engines started up. The passengers began glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this was just a little practical joke.None was forthcoming.
The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands.
Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"
The plane moved faster down the runway, and people at the windows realized that they were headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport perimeter. As it began to look as though the plane would never take off, but instead would plunge into the water, panicked screams filled the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifted smoothly into the air. The passengers relaxed and laughed a little sheepishly. Soon they all retreated into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane was indeed in good hands.
Then over the PA system they heard the copilot say to the pilot, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're going to scream too late, and we're all going to die!"
Saturday, February 9, 2013
Just like my wife
A man on a bus keeps staring at another male passenger; the male passenger has had enough and asks the man "Why are you staring at me."
The man says ''If it wasn't for the mustache, you would look just like my wife."
The male passenger says ''I don't have a mustache."
''No, but my wife does.'' the man replies.
The man says ''If it wasn't for the mustache, you would look just like my wife."
The male passenger says ''I don't have a mustache."
''No, but my wife does.'' the man replies.
Thursday, February 7, 2013
Wednesday, February 6, 2013
Baking a Cake
A little girl and he mother were taking a walk in the park when they stumbled on two dogs having sex.
The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?"
Not knowing what to say the mom quickly answers, "They are baking a cake."
The next morning the little girl walks up to her mom and says "Mommy, I know what you and daddy were doing last night,"
Mom asks "What?"
"You two where baking a cake."
The mom asks; "And how do you know that?"
The little girl says "Cause I had to wipe the icing off the couch to watch TV!"
The little girl asked her mom "What are they doing?"
Not knowing what to say the mom quickly answers, "They are baking a cake."
The next morning the little girl walks up to her mom and says "Mommy, I know what you and daddy were doing last night,"
Mom asks "What?"
"You two where baking a cake."
The mom asks; "And how do you know that?"
The little girl says "Cause I had to wipe the icing off the couch to watch TV!"
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
State Farm
A young married woman and an older married woman sitting together on a train from Boston to New York. As sometimes happens with strangers in such an environment, they began to discuss highly personal matters.
As they were passing through Hartford, the younger woman spoke up thoughtfully, “Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”
“No”, replied the older lady, “I think we have State Farm”
As they were passing through Hartford, the younger woman spoke up thoughtfully, “Tell me, do you and your husband have mutual orgasm?”
“No”, replied the older lady, “I think we have State Farm”
Sunday, February 3, 2013
Why you Doing That?
A candidate brought a dice into the examination hall for MCQ. He started tossing the dice to select his answers. The superintendent just gave a glimpse at his candidate as he passed by since it is common to have students trying their luck. Very soon the candidate finished his whole paper and slept on his table. Half an hour later the candidate sat up and started tossing the dice again.
The superintend felt curious and approached the candidate.
Superintendent: 'Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?'
Candidate: 'Sir, my mom said that I have to double check my answers.'
The superintend felt curious and approached the candidate.
Superintendent: 'Gentleman, why are you tossing the dice again since you've already finished all the questions earlier on?'
Candidate: 'Sir, my mom said that I have to double check my answers.'
Saturday, February 2, 2013
Good Manners
During class, a teacher was trying to teach good manners.The teacher asks the students "Michael, if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
"Just a minute, I have to go piss."
"That would be rude and impolite!!! What about you John, how would you say it?"
"I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom, I'll be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the table. And you Peter, are you able to use your intelligence for once and show us your good manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment, I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after supper."
Grading Essay Finals
A professor was grading the essay finals he had just given his class and opened the exam book of a failing student to reveal blank pages and a $100 bill. The only thing written in the book was "$100 = 100% - I get an A."
A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.
The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"
A month later, the student approached the professor. "I don't understand," he said. "I failed the course. Didn't you read my final?" The professor handed the student the exam book.
The student opened it to reveal $50 and the phrase "$50 = 50% - You fail!"
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