Poor Kids

These two poor kids go to a birthday party at a rich kid's house. The kid is so rich that he has his own swimming pool and all the kids go in. As they're changing after wards, one of the poor kids says to the other one "Did you notice how small the rich kid's penises were?"

"Yeah." says his mate "It's probably because they've got toys to play with."

Notoriously Loose Girl

A guy was on his first date with a notoriously loose girl. She was immediately receptive to his foreplay after they parked. The petting went on and he put his hand in her panties. She seemed to be enjoying it, but suddenly objected "Ouch! That ring is hurting me!"

"That's no ring... That's my watch!"

Minor Surgery

A handsome young lad went into the hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, a friend stopped by to see how the guy was doing. The friend was amazed at the number of Nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc. "Why all the attention ?" the friend asked. "You look fine to me."

"I know !" grinned the patient. "But the Nurses kinda formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circumcision required twenty-seven stitches."

Earring

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a somewhat conservative fellow, so naturally he's curious about the sudden change in fashion sense. The man walks up to his co-worker and says "I didn't know you were into earrings."

"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring," he replies sheepishly.

"Well, I'm curious." begged the man "How long have you been wearing an earring?"

"Er, ever since my wife found it in our bed."

Olympic Condoms

A man is out shopping and discovers a new brand of Olympic condoms. Clearly impressed, he buys a pack. Upon getting home he announces to his wife the purchase he just made.

"Olympic condoms?" she blurts "What makes them so special?"

"There is three colours." he replies "Gold, Silver and Bronze."

"What colour are you going to wear tonight?" she asks cheekily.

"Gold of course." says the man proudly.

The wife responds really "Why don't you wear Silver, it would be nice if you came second for a change!".

Cosmetic Surgery

Two women were having lunch together, and discussing the merits of cosmetic surgery. The first woman says "I need to be honest with you, I'm getting a boob job."

The second woman says "Oh that's nothing, I'm thinking of having my asshole bleached!"

To which the first replies "Whoa I just can't picture your husband as a blonde!"

Both of Them

A guy stops by to visit his friend. They talk for a while and then the friend asks "My feet are cold. Would you be so kind as to go get me my sneakers please?"

The guest obliges and goes upstairs. There he sees his friend's daughters, both very good looking. Being the adventurous and quick thinking kind, he says "Hi, ladies! Your daddy sent me here to have sex with you!"

They stare at him and say "That can't be!"

He replies "OK, let's check!"

He shouts at his friend down the stairs "Both of them?"

"Yes, both of them!"

Pickle

A guy who married this woman. Unfortunately, his dick was too small, so every time they had sex he used a pickle instead of his dick. For seven year's he has been doing that. One night his wife suspect that something is wrong so while they are having sex she quickly threw the cover and turned on the lights!

So the woman said "What the hell is that, are you using a pickle on me. I am shocked, and for seven years you have been doing that, you piece of shit."

So the man said "Shut the fuck up! It's been seven years and I never asked where the hell those kids came from!"

Female Orgasm

A farmer and his wife were lying in bed one evening; she was knitting, and he was reading the latest issue of Animal Husbandry. He looked up from the page and said to her "Did you know that humans are the only species in which the female achieves orgasm?"

She looked at him wistfully, smiled, and replied "Oh, yeah? Prove it."

He frowned for a moment, then said "Okay."

He got up and walked out, leaving his wife with a confused look on her face. About a half hour later, he returned all tired and sweaty and proclaimed "Well, I'm sure the cow and sheep didn't, but the way that pig is always squealing, how can I tell?"

Raped by Elephant

A man goes to a doctor and says "What shall I do? I've just been raped by an elephant!"

The doctor tells him to bend over so he can have a look at his ass. "That's funny!" He says "Your asshole is 10 inches wide! I thought elephants only had thin long dicks?"

The man says "Yeah but he fingered me first!"

Been Cheating

A woman found out that her husband was cheating on her while stationed in Saudi a few months ago. So she sends him this care package. He is excited to get a package from his wife back home. He finds that it contains a batch of home made cookies and a VHS tape of his favorite TV shows. He invites a couple of his buddies over and they're all sitting around having a great time eating the cookies and watching some episodes of South Park.

Right in the middle of one episode the tape cuts to a home video of his wife on her knees sucking his best friend's ding dong. After a few seconds, he blows his load in her pie hole and she turns and spits the load right into the mixing bowl of cookie dough.

She then looks at the camera and says "By the way, I want a divorce."

Hands Shake

Three old guys are sitting around complaining. The first guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I shaved this morning I almost cut my ear off."

The second guy says "My hands shake so bad that when I ate breakfast today, I spilled half my coffee on my toast."

The third guy says "My hands shake so bad that the last time I went to pee I came taking my cock out."

Feeling Horny

A salesman in a strange city was feeling horny and wanted release. He inquired for the address of a good house of ill repute. He was told to go to 225 West 42nd St. By mistake, he went to 255 West 42nd St, the office of a podiatrist. Being met by a beautiful woman in a white uniform surprised but intrigued him. She directed him to an examining room and told him to uncover and someone would be with him soon.

He loved the thought of the table and the reclining chair and was really getting aroused because of the strange and different approach this house offered. Finally the doctor's assistant, a really gorgeous redhead entered and found him sitting in the chair with his generous member in his hand.

"My goodness!" she exclaimed "I was expecting to see a foot."

"Well!" he said "If you're going to complain about an inch then I'll take my business elsewhere."

Busty Blonde

A man is sitting on a train across from a busty blonde wearing a tiny mini skirt. Despite his efforts, he is unable to stop staring at the top of her thighs. To his delight, he realizes she has gone without underwear. The blonde realizes he is staring and inquires "Are you looking at my pussy?"

"Yes, I'm sorry." replies the man and promises to avert his eyes.

"It's quite alright." replies the woman "It's very talented, watch this, I'll make it blow a kiss to you." Sure enough the pussy blows him a kiss.

The man, who is completely absorbed, inquires what else the wonder pussy can do. "I can also make it wink." says the woman. The man stares in amazement as the pussy winks at him.

"Come and sit next to me," suggests the woman, patting the seat. The man moves over and is asked "Would you like to stick a couple of fingers in?"

Stunned, the man replies "Good grief! Can it whistle too?!"

Get Rich Quick

A knockout young lady decided she wanted to get rich quick. So she proceeded to find herself a rich 73 year old man, planning to screw him to death on their wedding night. The courtship and wedding went off without any problem, in spite of the half- century age difference. On the first night of her honeymoon, she got undressed, and waited for him to come out of the bathroom to come to bed. When he emerged, however, he had nothing on except a rubber to cover his 12 inch erection, and he was carrying ear plugs and a pair of nose plugs.

Fearing her plan had gone amiss, she asked "What are those for?"

The old man replied "There are just two things I can't stand: the sound of a woman screaming... and the smell of burning rubber!"

$65,000 Quiz Show

Jane was a first time contestant on the $65,000 quiz show, where you have to answer questions to win the cash prize.

Lady luck had smiled in her favor, as Jane had a gained substantial lead over her opponents. She even managed to win the game but, unfortunately, time had run out before the show's host could ask her the big question. Needless to say, Jane agreed to return the following day. Jane was nervous and fidgety as her husband drove them home. "I've just gotta win tomorrow. I wish I knew what the answers are. You know I'm not going to sleep at all tonight. I will probably look like garbage tomorrow."

"Relax, honey," her husband, Roger, reassured her. "It will all be OK." Ten minutes after they arrived home, Roger grabbed the car keys and started heading out the door. "Where are you going?" Jane asked. "I have a little errand to run. I should be back soon" he replied. Jane waited impatiently for Roger's return. After an agonizing 3 hour absence, Roger returned, sporting a very wide and wicked grin. "Honey, I managed to get tomorrow's question and answer!"

"What is it?" she cried excitedly.

"OK. The question is: What are the three main parts of the male anatomy?" And the answer is "The head, the heart, and the penis." Shortly after that, the couple went to sleep with Jane, now feeling confident and at ease, plummeting into a deep and restful slumber. At 3:30 in the morning, however, Jane was shaken awake by Roger, who was asking her the quiz show question. "The head, the heart, and the penis," Jane replied groggily before returning to sleep. And Roger asked her again in the morning, this time as Jane was brushing her teeth. Once again, Jane replied correctly.

So it was that Jane was once again on the set of the quiz show. Even though she knew the question and answer, she could feel the butterflies conquering her stomach and nervousness running through her veins. The cameras began running and the host, after reminding the audience of the previous days events, faced Jane and asked the big question.

"Jane, for $65,000, what are the main parts of the male anatomy? You have 10 seconds."

"Hmm, uhm, the head?" she said nervously. "Very good. Six seconds."

"Eh, uh, the heart?" "Very good! Four seconds."

"I, uhh, ooooooohh, darn! My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..."

"That's close enough," said the game show host, "CONGRATULATIONS!!!"

The Newlyweds

The newlyweds are in their honeymoon room and the groom decides to let the bride know where she stands right from the start of the marriage.

He proceeds to take off his trousers and throw them at her. He says "Put those on."

The bride replies "I can't wear your trousers."

He replies "And don't forget that! I will always wear the pants in the family!"

The bride takes off her panties and throws them at him with the same request "Try those on!"

He replies "I can't get into your knickers!"

The bride replies "And you never fucking will if you don't change your attitude."

25th anniversary

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"

The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to fuck your brains out, and suck your tits dry."

Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"

He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

The Best Patients

Five surgeons from big cities are discussing who makes the best patients to operate on.

The first surgeon, from  New York , says, I like to see Accountants on my operating table; because when you open them up, everything inside is numbered.

The second surgeon, from  Chicago , responds, Yeah, but you should try Electricians. Everything inside them is color coded.

The third surgeon, from  Dallas , says, No, I really think Librarians are the best. Everything inside them is in alphabetical order.

The fourth surgeon, from   ;Los Angeles , chimes in, You know, I like construction workers. Those guys always understand when you have a few parts left over.

But the fifth surgeon, from  Washington ,  DC , shut them all up when he observed, You're all wrong. Politicians are the easiest to operate on. There's no guts, no heart, no balls, no brains, and no spine; and the head and the butt are interchangeable.

Smoking Condoms

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.

Lady 1: "What's that?"

Lady 2: "A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet."

Lady 1: "Where did you get it?"

Lady 2: "You can get them at any drugstore."

The next day, Lady 1 hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.

The guy looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but politely asks "What brand she prefers?"

She said "It doesn't matter as long as it fits a Camel."

The pharmacist fainted.

Sex with a Cowboy

Prior to her trip to Texas, Buffy (a New Yorker) confided to her sorority sister she had three goals for her trip to the Lone Star State. She wanted to taste some real Texas Bar B Que, take in a bona fide rodeo and have sex with a cowboy. Upon her return, her sorority sisters were curious as to how she fared.

"Let me tell you, they have a tree down there called a mesquite and when they slow cook that brisket over that mesquite, oh so good!! The taste is unbelievable!! And I went to a real rodeo, talk about athletes, these guys wrestle real full-grown bulls like in Spain! Except they ride a horse out at full gallop, then jump off the horses and literally grab the bulls by the horns and throw them to the ground. It is incredible!"

They then asked "Well tell us, did you have sex with a cowboy?"

"Are you kidding? Once I saw the outline of the condom they carry around in the back pocket of their jeans, I changed my mind!"

Top Ten Reasons To Go To Work Naked...

10. No one steals your chair.
9. Gives "bad hair day" a whole new meaning.
8. Diverts attention from the fact that you also came to work drunk.
7. People stop stealing your pens after they've seen where you keep them.
6. So that with a little help from Muzak you can add "Exotic Dancer" to your exaggerated resume.
5. You want to see if it's like the dream.
4. To stop those creepy guys in Marketing from looking down your blouse.
3. "I'd love to chip in, but I left my wallet in my pants."
2. Can take advantage of computer monitor radiation to work on your tan.

And the number 1 To Go to Work Naked IS...
1. Your boss is always yelling, "I wanna see your ass in here by 8:00!"

Top ten things that sound dirty in golf but aren't!

10. Nuts! ...my shaft is bent
9. After 18 holes I can barely walk
8. You really whacked the hell out of that sucker
7. Look at the size of his putter
6. Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more
5. Mind if I join your threesome?
4. Stand with your back turned and drop it
3. My hands are so sweaty I can't get a good grip
2. Nice stroke, but your follow through has a lot to be desired

And the number 1 thing that sounds dirty in golf but isn't:
1. Hold up...I need to wash my balls first

Horny Hippy

There was a bus going to Cleveland and there was a nun in it. The bus stopped to pick up a guy, and he was a hippy. The hippy sat next to the nun and said, "Hey baby want to have sex with me?" The nun slapped him across the face.

Well as the hippy got off at his bus stop, the bus driver said, "Hey I see that nun praying every night at that cemetery over there, if you go there dressed as God you could probably get her to have sex with you."

The hippy said thanks and got off the bus, then got dressed up like God with the robes and cream and powder and hid behind a grave in the graveyard. Well just as the bus driver said, the nun came to pray at around six thirty. The Hippy popped out from behind the grave and said, "I am God!"

The nun said, "Oh great and powerful one what can I do for you?"

The hippy said, "You must have sex with me."

So she did. Then the hippy jumped up and said, "Haha I am the hippy!"

And the nun jumped up and said, "Haha I am the bus driver!"

Ticket Agent

A crowded United Air Lines flight was canceled. A single agent was assigned to rebook a long line of unhappy inconvenienced travelers. She was doing her best when suddenly an angry customer pushed his way to her desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and shouted: "I don't want to stand in line. I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS and RIGHT NOW!"

The young agent replied "I'm sorry, sir, I'll try to help you but I've got to help these folks first. I'm sure we'll be able to work things out for you." The angry passenger was unimpressed and unrelenting. He asked loudly, so that all the passengers could hear "I don't want to stand in line! Do you have any idea who I am?"

Without hesitation, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have you attention, please," her voice bellowed through the terminal. We have a passenger here WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him identify himself, please come to the gate." With the crowd laughing hysterically, he glared at her and swore "Fuck you!"

Without flinching, she smiled an said "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to stand in line for that too!"

Before & After Marriage

Before marriage.....

He: Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He: No! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me?
He: Of course! Over and over!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He: No! Why are you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He: Every chance I get.
She: Will you hit me?
He: Are you crazy! I'm not that kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He: Yes.
She: Darling!

After marriage....
Simply read from bottom to top.

80-year old man

An 80-year old man was having his annual check-up and the doctor asked him how he was feeling. "I've never been better!" he boasted. "I've got an eighteen year old bride who's pregnant and having my child! What do you think about that?"

The doctor considered this for a moment, then said, "Let me tell you a story. I knew a guy who was an avid hunter. He never missed a season. But one day, he went out in a bit of a hurry, and he accidentally grabbed his umbrella instead of his gun." The doctor continued, "So he was in the woods, and suddenly a grizzly bear appeared in front of him! He raised up his umbrella, pointed it at the bear and squeezed the handle. And do you know what happened?" the doctor queried. Dumbfounded, the old man replied, "No." The doctor continued, "The bear dropped dead in front of him!" "That's impossible!" exclaimed the old man. "Someone else must have shot that bear."

"That's kind of what I'm getting at," replied the doctor.

Bronco Style

There were three guy sitting and telling each other the best way they like to have sex.

The first guy said "I like to do it sixty-nine."

The second guy said "I like to do it doggy-style."

The third guy said "Well I like to do it bronco style."

The to other guys "What the fuck is bronco style?"

The third guy says "Let me tell you what bronco style is, you start out doing it doggy-style then in the middle of doing it you leen down and wisper in her ear. Your sister likes it this way to, then try and hold on for eight seconds."