World Signs

A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.

Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."

Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.

The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"

Artist

An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.

"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death when I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."

"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"

"He was your doctor."

Swimming Lessons

A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.

"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."

"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."

"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."

Flock of Geese

A local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake.

The rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the flock flew off!

The men were left staring at open water.

Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"

The reply was, "Wild goose chase."

Moonshine

A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"

He said, "No."

They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.

Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"

He said, "Yep, you-uns shorten up that thare rope boys 'caws I cain't swim."

At The Lake

One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.

Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.

The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.

After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.

All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.

Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"

Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"

"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"

"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."

Sleeping Butt

Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.

The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.

Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"

"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"

Smart Pizza Boy

After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house.

Amanpreet asked, "What is the usual tip?"

"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."

"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."

"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."

"What are you studying?" asked Preet.

The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."

Sportsman Double

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.

We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.

"What's that?" I asked.

"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.

I said, "No."

We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.

We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"