"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Beware of Dog
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog." He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog." He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Happy Old Man
A women saw a wizzened little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life"?
He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".
The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?
He replied, "Twenty six".
He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".
The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?
He replied, "Twenty six".
Homeless
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
Soap and Water
After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked meal
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Sunday, May 18, 2014
The Knight's Error
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."
"What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West."
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."
"What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West."
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Cheapskate
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."
Hard Time
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Lifelong Dream
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."
Come Fly With Me
Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
Tuesday, May 13, 2014
Sleeping Positions
According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive,
women who sleep on their stomachs are competent,
and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive,
women who sleep on their stomachs are competent,
and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.
Body Language
A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.
Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"
The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.
Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.
Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.
A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.
The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."
The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"
The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"
Effective Messages
Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning I stopped reading.
Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.
Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.
Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning I stopped reading.
Fishing
A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
The kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."
The kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"
"Fishin', sir."
"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"
The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.
His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"
The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"
Ladies Man
Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."
Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."
Thursday, May 8, 2014
I Can Hear Just Fine!
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"
"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."
And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."
Movie Tickets
wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Ten dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Ten dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
I asked, "How much is a ticket?"
They said, "Ten dollars."
I asked, "How much for children?"
They said, "Same price, Ten dollars."
I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."
They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."
Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.
"Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a hand-carved pork chop bone and a 3 x 5" piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
"Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a hand-carved pork chop bone and a 3 x 5" piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
Brave Dad
Timmy: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.
Sam: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Timmy: I didn't say he got out.
Sam: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.
Timmy: I didn't say he got out.
Magic Lamp
Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.
The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.
Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.
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