Hi Tech Monkey

A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and said to the shopkeeper, "I'll have a C monkey please."

The shopkeeper nodded, went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey. He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, that'll be $5000." The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, "That was a very expensive monkey. Why did it cost so much?"

The shopkeeper answered, "Ah, that monkey can program in C very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money."

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. "That one's even more expensive! $10,000!What does it do?"

"Oh, that one's a C++ monkey; it can manage object- oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff," said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, "That one costs more than all the other put together! What on earth does it do?"

The shopkeeper replied, "Well, I haven't actually seen it doing anything, but the other monkeys call him the project manager."

Bank Holdup

Two men held up a bank. They cleaned out the cash drawers and then herded the tellers and clerks into the vault.

They were getting ready to make their getaway when one of the tellers whispered, "Hey, buddy, would you do me a favor?"

One of the robbers said, "What's on your mind, pal?"

"Would you mind taking the books, too? I'm five thousand short."

Bricks For Barbecue

A man goes into this local place where bricks and cement blocks are sold, and orders 20,000 bricks.

"May I ask what you're building?" asks the man behind the counter.

"Yeah, it's going to be a barbecue."

"Damn! That's a lot of bricks for one barbecue,"

"Not really; you have to consider that I live on the 18th floor."

Check Me Out

A woman rushed into the supermarket to pick up a few items.

She headed for the express line where the clerk was talking on the phone with his back turned to her.

"Excuse me," she said, "I'm in a hurry. Could you check me out, please?"

The clerk turned, stared at her for a second, looked her up and down, smiled and said, "Not bad."

Passport

The elderly American gentleman arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he fumbled for his passport.

"You 'ave been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically.

The old gent admitted that he had been to France previously.

"Zen, you should know enough to 'ave your passport ready for inspection."

The American said, "The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it."

"Impossible. You Americans alwayz 'ave to show your passports on arrival in France!"

The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, "Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach in '44; I couldn't find any Frenchmen to show it to!"

Dancing With Mom

At a dancing party a shy boy approached a girl and asked, "Will you dance with me, please.?"

The arrogant girl says, " I don't dance with a kid."

The taken back boy apologized, "I am sorry, I did not realize your were pregnant."

Co-eds

Two college co-eds were having a beer. One said to the other, "Mandy was so excited when she found out she was pregnant. She called me late one night after my boyfriend and I had already gone to bed."

"What on earth did she want?" her friend asked.

"Oh... she just said, I can't believe I have a person inside me !"

I said, "So do I. Could I call ya back in an hour or so?"

Poisoning Me

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me, what should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife. I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

The man said yes and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."

Wrong Bus

A very drunken man gets on a city bus late one night, staggers up the aisle, and sits next to an elderly woman.

She looks the man up and down and says, "I've got news for you - You're going straight to hell!"

The man jumps up out of his seat and shouts, "Good heavens, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Fast Food Clerks

We've always had trouble with fast food clerks always botching orders. Finally, one day I had had enough. Below is my interaction with the something gap-toothed female clerk.

Me, after returning a hamburger for the second time: "How hard is it to make a burger with cheese, lettuce and ketchup!!?"

Clerk: "I guess I don't have the right button for that on the register."

Me: "The cook is RIGHT BEHIND YOU, you can tell him what I want."

Clerk: "But I have to press the right button!"

Me: "You know, you've got the smoothest cortex I have ever seen!"

Clerk: "Why thank you! I use Oil of Olay every night."

Anybody Home

A tourist from the Atlanta area was hiking through the mountains of North Georgia when he came upon the tiniest cabin he had ever seen in his life. Intrigued, he went up and knocked on the door.

"Anybody home?" he asked.

"Yep," came a kid's voice through the door.

"Is your father there?" asked the tourist.

"Pa? Nope, he left afore Ma came in," said the kid.

"Well, is your mother there?" persisted the tourist.

"Ma? Nope, she left just afore I got here," said the kid.

"But," protested the city slicker, "are you never together as a family?"

"Sure, but not here," said the kid through the door.. "This is the outhouse!"

Out of Gas

Fred's convertible glided to a halt on the edge of a lonely country road. "I suppose," said his pretty but reluctant date, "you're going to pull the old 'out of gas' routine."

"No," said Fred, "I'm going to pull the 'here after' routine."

"The 'here after' routine? What's that?", she wanted to know.

"If you're not here after what I'm here after, you'll be here after I'm gone!"

Busybody Spinster

A fat man was seated on his front steps drinking a can of beer when a busybody spinster from down the street began to berate him for his appearance.

"What a disgusting sight," she said. "If that belly was on a woman, I'd swear she was pregnant."

To which the man smiled and replied, "Madam, it was and she is."

Ironic, Death Story

Two women were waiting to get into the Pearly Gates of Heaven when they struck up a conversation.

"How did you die?", the first woman asked the second.

"I froze to death," said the second.

"That `s awful," said the first woman. "How does it feel to freeze to death?"

"It`s very uncomfortable at first," says the second woman. "You get the shivers and shakes and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But, eventually, it`s a very calm way to go. You get very numb and just sort of go to sleep. How did you die?"

"I had a heart attack," says the first woman. "You see, I knew my lousy husband was cheating on me, so one day, I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, but I found him alone, watching TV. I ran down to the basement but no one was hiding there either. I ran up to the second floor, but no one was hiding there, so I ran as fast as I could up to the attic. Just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died."

The second woman shakes her head. "That`s so ironic," she says.

"What do you mean?" asks the first woman.

The second woman tells her, "If you had only stopped to look in the freezer, we would both still be alive."

Can You Hear Me Now?

An elderly gentleman feared his wife was getting hard of hearing. So one day he called her doctor to make an appointment to have her hearing checked. The MD made an appointment for a hearing test in two weeks, and meanwhile there's a simple informal test the husband could do to give the doctor some idea of the state of her problem.

'Here's what you do," said the doctor, "start out about 40 feet away from her, and in a normal conversational speaking tone see if she hears you. If not, go to 30 feet, then 20 feet, and so on until you get a response."

That evening, the wife is in the kitchen cooking dinner, and he's in the living room. He says to himself, "I'm about 40 feet away, let's see what! happens."

Then in a normal tone he asks, 'Honey, what's for supper?" No response.

So the husband moved to the other end of the room, about 30 feet from his wife and repeats, "Honey, what's for supper?" Still no response.

Next he moves into the dining room where he is about 20 feet from his wife and asks, "Honey, what's for supper?" Again he gets no response so he walks up to the kitchen door, only 10 feet away. "Honey, what's for supper?"

Again there is no response, so he walks right up behind her. "Honey, what's for supper?"

"Damn it Earl, for the fourth time, CHICKEN!"

Wardrobe

Joe Bob, John Boy and Bubba were moving furniture. While Joe Bob and John Boy were struggling with a particularly heavy oak wardrobe, Joe Bob noticed that Bubba was nowhere in sight.

"John Boy, where's Bubba?" asked Joe Bob. "He should be helping us with this thing."

"He is helping," said John Boy. "He's inside holding the clothes hangers in place!"

Difference

The Boss to a lady aspirant to the post of a Secretary:

Boss: "What is the difference between a paper clip and a screw?"

Lady: "I do not know. I have never been paper clipped"

Rude Man

Over dinner, Jill said to John, "I met this horrible and rude man downtown this morning, and right away I knew he was a troublemaker. He started to insult me; he used really bad language; he even threatened me!"

"How did you meet this fellow?" John asked, very concerned.

Jill said, "Well, we met by accident. I hit him with the car."

Walking On Water

A pastor and two of his deacons are out on the river fishing in their rowboat. Twelve o'clock rolls around, and one of the deacons notices a nice spot on the bank to have lunch. He turns to the others and says, "That looks like a nice spot for lunch. What do you say we have lunch over there?"

The other deacon agrees, and so does the pastor. The deacon stands up in the boat, steps out onto the river and walks over to the bank. The pastor looks on with amazement, and thinks to himself, if his deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The other deacon stands up, picks up the picnic basket, steps out of the boat, and walks over to the bank and sits with the first deacon. Again, the pastor thinks, if his second deacon is holy enough to walk on water, surely he can.

The pastor stands up, steps out of the boat, and falls right into the water. While he's splashing around the first deacon turns to the second and says, "Think we should have told him where the tree stumps are?"

Good And Bad

A long passenger train was traveling cross country when one of its two engines broke down. The engineer shut off that engine and continued on at half power. Later, the other engine broke down and the train gradually came to a halt.

The engineer announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, I have good news and bad news. The bad news is: both engines have failed and we will be stuck here until they send out a replacement locomotive. The good news is: you decided to take the train today instead of an airplane!"