The Photographer

The photographer for a national magazine was assigned to get photos of a great forest fire. Smoke at the scene was too thick to get any good shots, so he frantically called his home office to hire a plane. "It will be waiting for you at the airport!" he was assured by his editor.

As soon as he got to the small, rural airport, sure enough, a plane was warming up near the runway. He jumped in with his equipment and yelled, "Let's go! Let's go!" The pilot swung the plane into the wind and soon they were in the air.

"Fly over the north side of the fire," said the photographer, "and make three or four low level passes."

"Why?" asked the pilot.

"Because I'm going to take pictures! I'm a photographer, and photographers take pictures!" said the photographer with great exasperation.

After a long pause the pilot said, "You mean you're not the instructor?"

Just Following Orders

A couple of hunters are out in the woods in the deep south when one of them falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing, and his eyes are rolled back in his head.

The other guy whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "My friend is dead! What can I do?"

The operator, in a calm and soothing voice, says, "Alright, take it easy. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is silence, and then a gun shot is heard.

The hunter comes back on the line. "OK. Now what??"

Impress Date

To impress his date, the young man took her to a very chic Italian restaurant. After sipping some fine wine, he picked up the menu and studied it with an appraising eye.

"We'll have the Giuseppe Spomdalucci," he said finally.

"Sorry, sir," said the waiter. "That's the owner."

Know Your Math

Rick, fresh out of engineering school, went to a interview for a good paying job. The company boss asked him various questions about him and his education, but then asked him, "What is three times seven?"

"22," Rick replied. After he left, he double-checked it on his calculator (he *knew* he should have taken it to the interview!) and realized he wouldn't get the job.

About two weeks later, he got a letter that said he was hired for the job! Not to look a gift horse in the mouth, but he was very curious. The next day, he went in and asked why he got the job, even though he got such a simple question wrong.

The boss shrugged and said, "Well, you were the closest."

Secret of Success

Sir, " What is the secret of your success?" a reporter asked a bank President.

"Two words."

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Right decisions."

"And how do you make right decisions?"

"One word.'

"And, sir, What is that?"

"Experience. "

"And how do you get Experience?"

"Two words"

"And, Sir, what are they?"

"Wrong decisions ."

Let me Win the Lottery

Joe found himself in serious financial trouble. He was desperate he decided to pray to God for
help. He begins to pray. "God, please help me. I've lost my business and if I don't get some
money, I'm going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lottery."


Lottery night comes and somebody else wins it. Joe again prayed."God, please let me win
the lottery! I've lost my business, my house and I'm going to lose my car as well".


Lottery night comes and Joe is still out of luck. Once again, he prayed."My God, why have
you forsaken me?? I've lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving.
I don't often ask you for help and I have always been a good person and loyal to you and the church.
PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE... I beg you...just let me win the lottery this one time so I can get
my life back in order."


Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the clouds part and the heavens open up. Joe
falls to his knees in awe, shieding his eyes from the light as God's voice booms "Come on Joe. Buy a freaking ticket."

Ranch Hand

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.

She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him
around the house than the drunk.

He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and
the ranch was doing very well.

Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, "You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great. You should go into town and kick up your heels."

The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night.

One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock, and no hired hand. He returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to her.

"Unbutton my blouse and take it off," she said. Trembling, he did as she directed.

"Now take off my boots."

He did as she asked, ever so slowly. "Now take off my socks."

He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt."

He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."

Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor.

"Now," she said, "take off my panties."

By the light of the fire, he slowly pulled them down and off.

Then she looked at him and said, "If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired."

Sleeping Pills

An elderly woman went into the doctor's office. When the doctor asked why she was there, she replied, "I'd like to have some birth control pills."

Taken aback, the doctor thought for a minute and then said, "Excuse me, Mrs. Smith, but you're 75 years old. What possible use could you have for birth control pills?"

The woman responded, "They help me sleep better."

The doctor thought some more and continued, "How in the world do birth control pills help you to sleep?"

The woman said, "I put them in my granddaughter's orange juice and I sleep better at night."

Seat Of Death

A man received a free ticket to a Pittsburgh Steelers home game from his company. Unfortunately, when he arrived at Heinz Field, he realized his seat was in the upper deck and was closer to the Goodyear Blimp than it was to the playing field.

Near the end of the first quarter, he spotted an empty seat 10 rows from the field right at the 50-yard line. He decided to go for it. He snaked his way down the stadium, past the security guards, and made it to the empty seat.

He asked the elderly gentleman next to the empty seat if the seat was being saved for someone, and the man said no.

Very excited, he sat down in the seat and said to the elderly man, "This is incredible! Who in their right mind would have a seat like this and not use it?"

The elderly man responded, "Actually, the seat belongs to my wife. But she passed away recently, and this is the first Steelers game we haven't attended together in almost 50 years of marriage."

The man, now feeling a little guilty to be in the empty seat said, "That's really sad. But, still, couldn't you find a good friend or a close relative to take the seat?"

"No," the elderly man replied, "they're all at the funeral."

Kissing The Stone

A group of Americans was touring Ireland. One of the women in the group was a real curmudgeon, constantly complaining. The bus seats are uncomfortable. The food is terrible. It's too hot. It's too cold. The accommodations are awful.

The group arrived at the site of the famous Blarney Stone.

"Good luck will be followin' ya all your days if you kiss the Blarney Stone," the guide said. "Unfortunately, it's being cleaned today and so no one will be able to kiss it. Perhaps we can come back tomorrow."

"We can't be here tomorrow," the nasty woman shouted. "We have some other boring tour to go on. So I guess we can't kiss the stupid stone."

"Well now," the guide said, "it is said that if you kiss someone who has kissed the stone, you'll have the same good fortune."

"And I suppose you've kissed the stone," the woman scoffed.

"No ma'am," the frustrated guide said, "but I've sat on it."

Twin Sisters

There were twin sisters turning one hundred years old in St. Luke's Nursing Home.

The editor of the local paper told a photographer to get over there and take some pictures of these 100 year old twins.

One of the twins was hard of hearing and the other could hear quite well. When the photographer got there, he asked them to sit on the sofa and the deaf one said to her twin, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

The twin answered, "He said, 'WE GOTTA SIT OVER THERE ON THE SOFA!'"

"Now get a little closer together," said the cameraman.

Again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS SQUEEZE TOGETHER A LITTLE."

So they wiggled up close to each other.

"Just hold on for a bit longer, I've got to focus a little," said the photographer.

Yet again, "WHAT DID HE SAY?"

"HE SAYS HE'S GONNA FOCUS!"

With a big grin the deaf twin shouted out, "OH MY GOD - BOTH OF US?!"

10 Pints

A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, "I hear you Irish are a bunch of drinkin' fools. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back."

The room is quiet and no one takes of the Texan's offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later, the same Irishman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.

"Is your bet still good?", asks the Irishman.

The Texan says "Yes," and he asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness.

Immediately, the Irishman tears into all 10 pints of beer, drinking them all back-to-back.

The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and askes, "If ya don't mind me askin', where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?"

The Irishman replies, "Oh... I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first."

Which is Which

A blonde bought two horses, and could never remember which was which. A neighbor suggested
that she cut the tail of one horse and that worked
great until the other horse got his tail caught
in a bush. It tore just right and looked exactly
like the other horse's tail and our friend was
stuck again.


The neighbor suggested she notch the ear off
one horse. That worked fine until the other horse
caught his ear on a barbed wire fence. Once again
our friend couldn't tell them apart. The neighbor
suggested she measure the horses for height.
When she did, she was very pleased to find that
the white horse was 2 inches taller than the
black.

Interesting Facts

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days, you would have produced enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it)

If you fart consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it)

A pig's orgasm lasts for 30 minutes. (In my next life I want to be a pig) (How'd they figure this out, and why?)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories an hour.
(Still can't get over that pig thing) (Don't try this at home...maybe at work?)

Humans and dolphins are the only species that have sex for pleasure. (Is that why Flipper was always smiling?) (And pigs get 30-minute orgasms? Doesn't seem fair)

The strongest muscle in the body is the tongue.
(Hmmmmmmmmm........)

Right-handed people live, on average, nine years longer than left-handed people do. (If you're ambidextrous do you split the difference?)

The ant can lift 50 times its own weight, can pull 30 times its own weight and always falls over on its right side when intoxicated. (From drinking little bottles of...?) (Did taxpayers pay for this research??)

Polar bears are left-handed. (Who knew? Who cares? How'd they find out, did they ask them?)

The catfish has over 27,000 taste buds. (What can be so tasty on the bottom of the pond?)

The flea can jump 350 times its body length. It's like a human jumping the length of a football field. (30 minutes...can you imagine?? And why pigs?)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head, before it starves to death. (Creepy)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off. (Honey, I'm home. What the....) (Well, at least pigs get a break there...)

Some lions mate over 50 times a day. (In my next life I still want to be a pig ... quality over quantity)

Butterflies taste with their feet. (Oh, Geez) (That's almost as bad as catfish)

An ostrich's eye is bigger than it's brain. (I know some people like that.)

Starfish don't have brains. (I know some people like that too.)

After reading all these, all I can say is............. Lucky Pigs...

Dirty Mind

One day a young boy and girl meet in a garden where the grass is up to their shoes.The boy asks the girl "Should we do it?".

The girl says "Not now."

They further go up where the grass comes to the knees.The boy again asks "Should we do it?".

The girl again says "Not now." They further go up where the grass reaches to their neck level. The boy impatiently asks "Now should we do it?".

The girl again says "Not now."

They further go up where the grass is above their heads. The boy (losing his patience) asks "Now should we do it?".

The girl finally says "Yes "....... And both start cutting the grass.

And what were you thinking dirty mind :-)

The Hotel Bill

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells the clerk although it's a nice hotel, the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic- sized pool and a huge conference center that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them", the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager.

He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies.

No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!"

The Manager is unmoved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check.

"But sir," he says, "this check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "she was here, and you could have...."

Pete The Playboy

Pete was the playboy of the office. He kept the cubicle set bug-eyed with juicy tales of his conquests. One afternoon a bachelor in the office cornered him and asked, "Pete, how the hell do you do it? You're a married man, but you make Casanova look like a two-bit amateur. Come on, buddy, what's your secret?"

Pete was in a conversational mood. "I wouldn't do this for everybody, Eddie," he said, "but you're a friend, so I'll tell you my secret. Like all great plans, it's really very simple. It's all in the approach! Tonight, take the 5:21 out of Penn Station and get off at Great Neck. You'll find dozens of women there waiting for their husbands. Now there are always some husbands who have to work late. So all you have to do is be charming and let nature take its course."

The system was indeed simple, and also seemed foolproof. Eddie boarded the 5:21 that night with Pete's instructions fixed firmly in his mind. But he dozed en route and didn't waken till Plandome, two stops after Great Neck. He got off the train in a hurry and was about to catch a cab back to his destination when he noticed an unescorted female standing on the platform looking very available.

He sauntered over casually, lit her cigarette, and asked whether she'd like to have a nice quiet drink with him. "I'd love to," she said, "but let's go to my place. It's near here and it's very, very quiet."

Everything went as planned. They had a small dinner at her place, some drinks, then they retired to the pleasures of the bedroom. They'd been enjoying themselves only a few minutes, however, when the door swung open and the woman's husband entered.

"Dammit, Betty!" he cried. "What the hell's going on here? So this is what you do when my back is turned... And as for you, I thought I told you to get off at Great Neck!"

The Night Stay

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. So they loaded up Jack's minivan and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered he door if they could spend the night.

"I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house."

"Don't worry," Jack said. "We'll be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light." The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing.

But about nine months later, Jack got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Bob and asked, "Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up north about 9 months ago?"

"Yes, I do." said Bob

"Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?"

"Well, um, yes," Bob said, a little embarrassed about being found out "I have to admit that I did."

"And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?"

Bob's face turned beet red and he said, "Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?"

"She just died and left me everything."