A bear and a bunny are sitting in a forest taking a shit.
The bear leans over to the bunny and says "Do you ever have the problem of shit sticking to your fur?"
The bunny says "No!"
So the bear grabs the bunny and wipes his ass.
Wednesday, February 29, 2012
New Intern
A new intern is getting a tour of the hospital he is working in. The intern walks past a room where a man is vigorously masturbating nonstop.
The intern asks the doctor he is with "Why that man was doing such a thing out in the open?"
The doctor answers, "Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."
"Oh, I see." says the intern.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.
Again, he asks the doctor, "What is up with THAT?"
The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."
The intern asks the doctor he is with "Why that man was doing such a thing out in the open?"
The doctor answers, "Oh, he has a medical condition where the sperm builds up so quickly in his body he has to masturbate constantly or he will explode."
"Oh, I see." says the intern.
They walk past another room where the intern sees a man laying on a stretcher getting a blow job from a nurse.
Again, he asks the doctor, "What is up with THAT?"
The doctor says, "Same condition, better medical plan."
Monday, February 27, 2012
Depressed Young Woman
A depressed young woman was so desperate that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. When she went down to the docks, a handsome young sailor noticed her tears, took pity on her, and said, "Look, you've got a lot to live for. I'm off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take good care of you and bring you food every day." Moving closer, he slipped his arm around her shoulder and added, "I'll keep you happy, and you'll keep me happy."
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
She got up off the ground and explained "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
The girl nodded yes, after all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on, every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine search, she was discovered by the captain.
"What are you doing here?' the captain asked.
She got up off the ground and explained "I have an arrangement with one of the sailors. He's taking me to Europe, and he's screwing me."
The captain looked at her "He sure is lady, this is the Staten Island Ferry.'
Sunday, February 26, 2012
Buy Cigarettes
A man tells his wife that he's going out to buy cigarettes. When he gets to the store he finds out it's closed. So the guy ends up going to the bar to use the vending machine. While there, he has a few beers and begins talking to this beautiful girl. He has a few more beer and the next thing he knows he's in this girl's apartment and having quite a pleasurable time. The next thing he know it was 3:00 AM.
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
"Oh my, god, my wife is going to kill me!" he exclaimed. "Quick give me some talcum powder!"
She gets him some and he rubs it all over his hands. When he got home his wife is up waiting for him and she's furious. "Where the hell have you been!"
He says, "Well to tell you the truth, I went into a bar, had a few drinks, went home with this blonde and I slept with her."
"Let me see your hands!" she demands. He shows his wife his powdery hands. "Damn liar, you were out bowling again!"
Saturday, February 25, 2012
Last Day
It was the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route he was greeted by the whole family there, who congratulated him and sent him on his way with a big gift envelope. At the second house they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had, had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door (which she closed behind him), and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had, had enough they went downstairs, where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge.
"All this was just too wonderful for words," he said, "but what's the dollar for?"
"Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you." He said, "Fuck him, give him a dollar." The lady then said, "The breakfast was my idea."
Friday, February 24, 2012
Patience
A husband and his wife who have been married 20 years were doing some yard work.
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Gees, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.
So the man says to his wife "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill" She ignores the remark.
A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Gees, it really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.
Later that night while in bed, her husband starts to feel frisky.
The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm going to fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."
Wednesday, February 22, 2012
Wild Party
During a wild party at a Long Island country house, Roxanne had too much to drink and strolled outside for some air. Getting to a grassy field, she lay down to watch the stars. Roxanne was almost asleep when a cow, searching for clover, carefully stepped over her.
Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."
Groggily, she raised her head and said, "One at a time boys, one at a time."
Tuesday, February 21, 2012
Masturbating Before Sex
A Man goes to the doctor's to find out how he can last longer during sex. The doc told him that masturbating before sex often helped men last longer during the act.
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
The man decided, "What the hell, I'll try it." He spent the rest of the day thinking about where to do it. He couldn't do it in his office. He thought about the restroom, but that was too open. He considered an alley, but figured that was too unsafe. Finally, he realized his solution. On his way home, he pulled his truck over on the side of the highway. He got out and crawled underneath as if he was examining the truck. Satisfied with the privacy, he undid his pants and started to masturbate.
He closed his eyes and thought of his lover. As he grew closer to orgasm, he felt a quick tug at the bottom of his pants. Not wanting to lose his mental fantasy or the orgasm, he kept his eyes shut and replied, "What?"
He heard, "This is the police. What's going on down there?"
The man replied, "I'm checking out the rear axle, it's busted."
Came the reply, "Well, you might as well check your brakes too while you're down there, because your truck rolled down the hill 5 minutes ago."
Sunday, February 19, 2012
What's a Penis?
There is a little boy and a little girl in the woods.
The little girl asked the boy "What is a penis?"
The boy replied "I don't know."
At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is.
He whips out his penis and says to her "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
The little girl asked the boy "What is a penis?"
The boy replied "I don't know."
At that time he hears his mum calling him for lunch. He goes home and eats his lunch. Then he sees his dad on the couch.
He goes up to his dad and ask him "What is a penis?"
The dad whips his out and says to the boy "This is a penis, as a matter of fact this is the perfect penis."
The boy leaves to go find his friend and brings her to the woods. The girl again asks him what a penis is.
He whips out his penis and says to her "This is a penis, and if it was two inches smaller it would be the perfect penis!"
Saturday, February 18, 2012
No Scuba Gear
A deep-sea diver is twenty feet below sea level when he sees another guy with no scuba gear. He goes down another thirty feet, and the guy with no equipment stays with him.
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes "You asshole, I'm drowning."
He takes out a waterproof chalkboard and writes "How the hell can you stay down this deep without equipment?"
The guy takes the chalkboard and writes "You asshole, I'm drowning."
Friday, February 17, 2012
It's Cold in Alaska
A couple decided to go to Alaska for a romantic weekend. When they got to the cabin it was extremely cold so the wife asked her husband to go chop some wood for the fire place. He came in after 5 minutes and told his wife that his hands were cold.
She said "Put your hands between my thighs and it will warm them."
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " Honey my hands are cold again."
So she tells him "Here put your hands between my thighs to warm them."
So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey my hands are cold again."
She then said, “Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
She said "Put your hands between my thighs and it will warm them."
So he did and went back outside to finish chopping wood. He came in after another 5 minutes and said " Honey my hands are cold again."
So she tells him "Here put your hands between my thighs to warm them."
So he did and then he went back out to chop some more wood. 5 minutes has passed and he went in again and said, "Honey my hands are cold again."
She then said, “Damn don't your ears ever get cold?"
Thursday, February 16, 2012
Son of a Bitch
Brought to you by S.S.
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”
“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”
“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”
Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.
“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”
“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?”
“Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”
Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!”
“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
“What are you doing Sister?”
“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”
“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”
“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”
“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”
“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.
“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people.”
The parish priest went on a fishing trip. On the last day of his trip he hooked a monster fish and proceeded to reel it in. The guide, holding a net, yelled, “Look at the size of that Son of a Bitch!”
“Son, I’m a priest. Your language is uncalled for!”
“No, Father, that’s what kind of fish it is – a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Really? Well then, help me land this Son of a Bitch!”
Once in the boat, they marvelled at the size of the monster.
“Father, that’s the biggest Son of a Bitch I’ve ever seen”
“Yes, it is a big Son of a Bitch.. What should I do with it?”
“Why, eat it! Of course. You’ve never tasted anything as good as Son of a Bitch!”
Elated, the priest headed home to the rectory. While unloading his gear & his prize catch, Sister Mary inquired about his trip.
“Take a look at this big Son of a Bitch I caught!”
Sister Mary gasped & clutched her rosary, “Father!”
“It’s OK, Sister. That’s what kind of fish it is, a Son of a Bitch fish!”
“Oh, well then, what are you going to do with that big Son of a Bitch?”
Sister Mary informed the priest that the new Bishop was scheduled to visit in a few days and that they should fix the Son of a Bitch for his dinner.
“I’ll even clean the Son of a Bitch,” she said. As she was cleaning the huge fish, the Friar walked in.
“What are you doing Sister?”
“Father wants me to clean this big Son of a Bitch for the new Bishop’s Dinner”
“Sister! I’ll clean it if you’re so upset! Please watch your language!”
“No, no, no, it’s called a Son of a Bitch Fish.”
“Really? Well, in that case, I’ll fix up a great meal to go with it, and that Son of a Bitch can be the main course! Let me know when you’ve finished cleaning that Son of a Bitch.”
On the night of the new Bishop’s visit, everything was perfect. The Friar had prepared an excellent meal. The wine was fine, and the fish was excellent.
The new Bishop said, “This is great fish, where did you get it?”
“I caught that Son of a Bitch!” proclaimed the proud priest.
“And I cleaned the Son of a Bitch!” exclaimed the Sister.
The Friar added,” And I prepared the Son of a Bitch, using a special recipe! The new Bishop looked around at each of them. A big smile crept across his face as he said, “You fuckers are my kind of people.”
Outhouse
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. The family had to use an outhouse, and the little boy hated it because it was so hot in the summer and freezing cold in the winter and stank all the time. The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy was determined that one day he would push that old outhouse straight into the creek.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked "Why?"
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" dad replied
The boy answered "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. He found a large stick and started pushing. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That night his dad told him they were going to the woodshed after supper. Knowing that meant a spanking, the little boy asked "Why?"
"Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn't it son?" dad replied
The boy answered "Yes." Then he thought a moment and said, "Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn't get into trouble because he told the truth."
The dad replied, "Well, son, George Washington's father wasn't in the cherry tree."
Wednesday, February 15, 2012
Three Women
Three women were sitting around talking about their husbands performance as a lover.
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
The first woman says "My Husband works as a marriage counselor. He always buys me flowers and candy before we make love. I like that."
The second woman says, "My husband is a motorcycle mechanic. He likes to play rough and slaps me around sometimes. I kinda like that."
The third woman just shakes her head and says, "My husband works for Microsoft. He just sits on the edge of the bed and tells me how great it's going to be when I get it."
Tuesday, February 14, 2012
Three Hillbillies
Three hillbillies were sitting on the porch.
The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"
The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"
The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table.
Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"
The first hillbilly said "My wife is so dumb, yesterday she drug home a brand new washer and dryer, and we ain't even got electricity!"
The second hillbilly said "My wife is stupider than yers, yesterday she brings home a new dishwasher, and we ain't even got runnin water!"
The third hillbilly said "My wife is even stupider! Yesterday I was in the kitchen and I saw her purse on the table.
Everything was spilled out of it and there was a bunch of rubbers layin there... and she ain't even got a dick!"
Old Lady in Wheelchair
An old lady in a nursing home is wheeling up and down the halls in her wheelchair making sounds like she's driving a car. As she's going down the hall an old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but you were speeding. Can I see your driver's license?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a candy wrapper, and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her a warning and sends her on her way.
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"
Up and down the halls she goes again. Again, the same old man jumps out of a room and says, "Excuse me ma'am but I saw you cross the center line back there." "Can I see your registration please?" She digs around in her purse a little, pulls out a store receipt and hands it to him. He looks it over, gives her another warning and sends her on her way.
She zooms off again up and down the halls weaving all over. As she comes to the old man's room again he jumps out. This time, he's stark naked and has an erection! The old lady in the wheel chair looks up and says, "Oh no...... not the Breathalyzer again!"
Group Therapy
John just graduated from clinical psychology and opens his first office. After some successful advertising he is astounded to have nearly 300 people wanting to be in group therapy. John decides to rent a big hall and invite the entire group.
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.
John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.
The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight s the night!"
To break the ice, and to get the therapy started, John decides to ask a show of hands how often the attendees had sex. He first asks for a show of hands of all the people who had sex almost every night. A modest number of hands were raised.
He then asks, how many had sex once a week? This time a larger number of hands were raised.
John then asks how many had sex once or twice a month? Again a few hands were raised.
After John polled his group several more times he noticed one guy sitting off to the side with this huge beaming grin on his face. John noticed that the guy never raised his hand, so he asked him how often he had sex.
The guy said, "Once a year!" To John's dismay, he responds, "Why are you so happy getting sex only once a year?" The grinning guy responds, "Tonight s the night!"
First Football Game
A guy took his girlfriend to her first football game. After the game, he asked her how she liked it.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she said "They flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "Especially the tight pants and the big muscles, but I don't get why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well" she said "They flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
Blow Job
A young man went up to his father and asked him
"Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
"Can I have twenty bucks for a blow job?"
His father said, "I don't know. Are you any good?"
Thursday, February 9, 2012
It's My Birthday
It's this man's 33rd birthday. He gets a package at the Post Office and goes to collect it. At the counter the woman brings his package to him, and the man says, "It's my birthday today."
"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker.
"33," says the man.
"Well, have a good day," says the worker.
"Thank you," replied the man.
To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.
The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today."
"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..."
"No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."
"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man.
"If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how old you are," says the old lady.
"I don't believe you." the man said shocked
"Well let me prove it!" the old lady says
"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man.
"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."
After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants.
"You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed.
"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
"Oh, happy birthday, how old are you?," asks the Post Office worker.
"33," says the man.
"Well, have a good day," says the worker.
"Thank you," replied the man.
To get home, the man has to take the bus. At the bus stop an old lady walks up and waits soon after he arrives.
The man says to the old lady, "It's my birthday today."
"Oh, happy birthday," says the old lady. "I'm..."
"No don't tell me," interjects the old lady, "I know a unique way of telling how old somebody is."
"Oh yeah? What's that then," asks the man.
"If I can feel your balls for about 5 minutes, I can tell exactly how old you are," says the old lady.
"I don't believe you." the man said shocked
"Well let me prove it!" the old lady says
"I'm not going to let you feel my balls!," says the man.
"Oh well, I guess you'll never know then," replies the lady.
After a couple of minutes curiosity gets the better of the man and he says, "Oh, okay then, you can do it."
After a good feel of the man's balls the woman finally takes her hands out of his pants.
"You are 33 years old exactly," she exclaims! "How the fuck did you know that?!" exclaims the man, impressed.
"I was behind you in the line at the Post Office," said the lady.
Wednesday, February 8, 2012
Bags
There was this woman who had bags under her eyes and wanted to get them removed so she could look younger so she went to a plastic surgeon.
She tells the doctor "I cant get rid of these bags, please help me."
The doctor says "He is gonna try and new experimental technique on her."
He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.
She says to the doctor "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes."
The doctor replies "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!"
All she had to say was "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
She tells the doctor "I cant get rid of these bags, please help me."
The doctor says "He is gonna try and new experimental technique on her."
He will put a crank in the back of her head and when she sees bags under her eyes she's supposed to crank it and the bags will go away. So she gets this crank put in her head and leaves. It works and works for a while until one day she cant get rid of these bags under her eyes. She cranks and cranks as hard as she can but they just wont go away. So she goes to the doctor.
She says to the doctor "Doctor, this was working for a while, but I cant seem to get rid of these bags under my eyes."
The doctor replies "Lady those aren't bags... those are your tits!"
All she had to say was "Now that would explain why I have this goatee."
Tuesday, February 7, 2012
Chicken & Egg
A chicken and an egg are lying in bed.
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face.
The egg, looking a bit ticked off, grabs the sheet, rolls over and says ... Well, I guess we finally answered "THAT question!"
Monday, February 6, 2012
Don't Get
There was a boy playing in the farm field when his mom called him in for breakfast. On his way in he kicked a cow, pig, and a chicken. So when he gets to the table he sees a dry bowl of cereal.
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
"What's the deal?" he asks.
His mom says " You kicked the cow so no milk for you, you kicked the pig so no bacon for you, and you kicked the chicken so no eggs for you."
Then his father walks into the kitchen and accidentally kicked the cat.
The the boy says "Do you want me to tell him or should you?"
Sunday, February 5, 2012
Bag of Fruit
One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plump and red."
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy, and colored red and brownish."
Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replies. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard."
By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking."
Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"
Saturday, February 4, 2012
Police Raid
A young teen-aged girl was a prostitute and, for obvious reasons, kept it a secret from her grandma. One day, the police raided a brothel and arrested a group of prostitutes, including the young girl. The prostitutes were instructed to line up in a straight line on the sidewalk. Well, who should be walking in the neighborhood, but little old Grandma. The young girl was frantic.
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck'em dry!"
Sure enough, Grandma noticed her young granddaughter and asked curiously, "What are you lining up for, dear?" Not willing to let grandma in on her little secret, the young girl told her that some people were passing out free oranges and that she was lining up for some.
"Mmm, sounds lovely," said Grandma. "I think I'll have some myself," she continued as she made her way to the back of the line. A police officer made his way down the line, questioning all of the prostitutes. When he got to Grandma, at the end of the line, he was bewildered. "But you're so old... how do you do it?"
Grandma replied, "Oh, it's quite easy, sonny... I just remove my dentures and suck'em dry!"
The Lone Ranger
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, YOU are the great Lone Ranger. In honor of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days."
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" The chief says. "What is your FIRST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???" The chief says.
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents. But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???" The chief says.
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears.
Looks him square in the eye and says "Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME..." Lone Ranger tell Silver "I SAID BRING POSSE!!!"
"Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" The chief says. "What is your FIRST request ???"
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse."
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night.
The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed "You have a very fine and loyal horse. But I will still kill you in two days."
"What is your SECOND request ???" The chief says.
The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night.
The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents. But I will still kill you tomorrow."
"What is your LAST request ???" The chief says.
The Lone Ranger responds "I'd like to speak to my horse... alone."
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears.
Looks him square in the eye and says "Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR... THE... LAST... TIME..." Lone Ranger tell Silver "I SAID BRING POSSE!!!"
Thursday, February 2, 2012
The Barrel
This guy decides to join the Navy. On his first day of service, he gets aquatinted with all the facilities around the ship he will be serving on. The guy asks the sailor showing him around, "What do you guys do around here when you get really horny after months of being out at sea?", to which the other replies, "Well, there is this barrel on the upper deck, just pump your cock in the side with the hole."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
Weeks pass, and the new guy is getting real horny and remembers the barrel. He climbs to upper deck and sees the barrel. Flings his shlong out and starts fucking the barrel. Its simply the best feeling he had ever experienced, it was truly a success!
After he was done, zipped up and merrily walking along, the guy who originally told him about the barrel walks by. "That barrel really was great! I could do it every day!"
To which the other crew member replies, "Yeah, you can every day except Thursday." Confused, the new guy asks why, to which the other guy replies, "Because its your turn in the barrel on Thursday."
Deaf Couple
Two deaf people get married. During the first week of marriage, they find that they are unable to communicate in the bedroom when they turn off the lights because they can't see each other using sign language. After several nights of fumbling around and misunderstandings, the wife decides to find a solution.
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
"Honey," she signs, "Why don't we agree on some simple signals? For instance, at night, if you want to have sex with me, reach over and squeeze my left breast one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and squeeze my right breast one time.
"The husband thinks this is a great idea and signs back to his wife, "Great idea, Now if you want to have sex with ME, reach over and pull on my penis one time. If you don't want to have sex, reach over and pull on my penis ... fifty times"
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