Brought to you by T.B.
Leaving Minnesota for Colorado, I decide to make a stop at one of those rest areas on the side of the road. I go in the washroom. The first stall was taken so I went in the second stall. I just sat down when I hear a voice from the next stall. "Hi there, how is it going?"
Okay, I am not the type to strike conversations with strangers in washrooms on the side of the road. I didn't know what to say... so finally I say, "Not bad..."
Then the voice says, "So, what are you doing?"
I am starting to find that a bit weird, but I say, "Well, I'm going back to Colorado..."
Then I hear the person say all flustered: "Look I'll call you back, every time I ask you a question this idiot in the next stall keeps answering me."
Saturday, December 31, 2011
A Touching Christmas Story
Brought to you by T.B.
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it."
A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed. Walking through the mall the surprised wife looked up and noticed her husband was no where around and she was very upset because they had a lot to do.
She used her cell phone to call her husband because she was so upset, to ask him where he was. The husband in a calm voice said, honey remember the jewelry store we went into 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day.
His wife said crying, "Yes I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well I'm in the bar next to it."
That's Once
Brought to you by T.B.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my hus...band's mule stumbled."My husband quietly said "That's once."
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said "That's once."
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. A local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
"Well, it dates back to our honeymoon," explained the lady.
"We visited the Grand Canyon and took a trip down to the bottom of the canyon by pack mule. We hadn't gone too far when my hus...band's mule stumbled."My husband quietly said "That's once."
We proceeded a little farther when the mule stumbled again. Once more my husband quietly said, "That's twice."
We hadn't gone a half-mile when the mule stumbled a third time. My husband took a pistol from his pocket and shot him. I started to protest over his treatment of the mule when he looked at me and quietly said "That's once."
Circumcised
Brought to you by T.B.
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his private parts hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, shed come and pick me up from school."
A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch, and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy.
The teacher told him to go down to the principals office. He was told to telephone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did and returned to his class.
Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his private parts hanging out.
"I thought I told you to call your mom!" she said.
"I did," he said, "And she told me that if I could stick it out until lunchtime, shed come and pick me up from school."
2 Babies
Brought to you by T.B.
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
A man was carrying 2 babies, one in each arm, while waiting for a train.
A woman upon seeing those 2 cute babies asked the man, "Aren't they cute, what are their names?"
The man giving the lady an angry look replied, "I don't know."
The lady then asked, Are they boys or girls?"
The man looking angrier than before replied "I don't know."
The woman then started to scold the man, "What kind of a father are you?".
The man replied, "I am not their father, I am just a condom salesman and these are the 2 complaints that I am taking back to my company."
This one is brought to you by S.S.
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants."
more jokes
K this is what I'm doing besides posting my jokes.... I told my close friends if they have a joke and wanted it posted to E-Mail me & I will post it.... Just to mess around a lil more for a GREAT laugh :)
I will not be putting up names just initials.
I will not be putting up names just initials.
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Train Ride
A man and a woman who have never met before find themselves in the same sleeping carriage of a train.
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!"
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own fucking blanket!!!
After the initial embarrassment they both go to sleep, the man on the top bunk, the woman on the lower.
In the middle of the night the man leans over, wakes the woman and says, "I'm sorry to bother you, but I'm awfully cold and I was wondering if you could possibly get me another blanket?"
The woman leans out and, with a glint in her eye, says, " I have a better idea, just for tonight, let's make pretend that we're married!"
The man says happily, "OK!" AWESOME!"
The woman says, "GOOD .... Get your own fucking blanket!!!
What Size?
A man goes into a drug store and asks the cashier for some rubbers. The cashier asks, "What size?"
The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
The man replies, "Size? I didn't know they came in sizes."
"Yes, they do," she says, "What size do you want?"
"Well, gee, I don't know," the man answers.
The lady is used to this, so she tells him to go to the back yard and measure his dick by sticking it into each of the three holes in the fence. While the man is back there, the lady sneaks around to the other side of the fence and spreads her legs behind each hole as the man tests it. When the they return, the cashier asks, "What will it be? Small, medium, or large?"
The man replies, "To hell with the rubbers, give me a hundred feet of that fence back there!"
X Rated Movie
Judi decides to do something wild she hasn't done before, so she sets out to rent her first X-rated adult video.
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Judi: It's called "Head Cleaner'."
She goes to the video store and, after looking around for a while, selects a title that sounds very stimulating.
She drives home, lights some candles, slips into something comfortable, and puts the tape in the VCR. To her disappointment, there's nothing but static on the screen, so she calls the video store to complain.
Judi: "I just rented an adult movie from you and there's nothing on the tape, but static."
Store Clerk: "Sorry about that. We've had problems with some of those tapes. Which title did you rent?"
Judi: It's called "Head Cleaner'."
Like A Statue
A woman was in bed with her lover, Steve, when she heard her husband opening the front door.
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
"Hurry!" she said. "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with talcum powder.
"Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered. "Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly. "The Martins bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for us, too."
No more was said about the statue -- not even later that night when they went to sleep. Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen and returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk.
"Here," he said to the 'statue'. "Eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Martins for three days and nobody offered me so much as a glass of water."
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Taking Girlfriend Home
A Guy is driving his girlfriend home when she decides she wants to go to her friends instead. Her friend lives out of the way so she tells her boyfriend that she would get naked for him if he drove her. The guy says ok and the girl takes off all her clothes. The boyfriend is so busy looking at her that he flips the car and gets stuck between the steering wheel and the seat.
He tells her "You have to go get help" and she replied "I can't couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on."
He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
He tells her "You have to go get help" and she replied "I can't couldn't because she didn't have any clothes on."
He replies, "Take my shoe and cover your snatch with it, and go for help!"
She takes the shoe and runs to the closest gas station. She finds the clerk and says, "Help, my boyfriend is stuck! Can you help us?"
The clerk replies, "I'm sorry, I think he's too far in."
One Fine Day in the Woods
A man was walking in he woods, It was a great day. Suddenly, the man hears a rustling in the bushes.
He peeks over the bush and sees a short man dressed all in green dancing around and singing.
"Holy shit" the man says "That's a Leprechaun, I gotta grab him so I can get my three wishes" So the man pounces on the Leprechaun and says "Gotcha, now give me my wishes!!
I want Cindy Crawford in my bed every morning, A million dollars given to me everyday for the rest of my life, and immortality.
"The Leprechaun says" Ah, Those are some hard wishes, for me to grant them I'll need you to let me bone you up the ass!!!"
The man thinks for a second and says "All right, I'll do it for those things" SO the Leprechaun mounts him and starts going to town.
The man says, "I can't beleive I'm doing this." The Leprechaun says, "I can't beleive it either" The man replies, "You can't beleive I'm actually letting you bone me too huh?" "Not exactly," The Leprechaun says, "I just can't beleive you really think I'm a Leprechaun!!!"
He peeks over the bush and sees a short man dressed all in green dancing around and singing.
"Holy shit" the man says "That's a Leprechaun, I gotta grab him so I can get my three wishes" So the man pounces on the Leprechaun and says "Gotcha, now give me my wishes!!
I want Cindy Crawford in my bed every morning, A million dollars given to me everyday for the rest of my life, and immortality.
"The Leprechaun says" Ah, Those are some hard wishes, for me to grant them I'll need you to let me bone you up the ass!!!"
The man thinks for a second and says "All right, I'll do it for those things" SO the Leprechaun mounts him and starts going to town.
The man says, "I can't beleive I'm doing this." The Leprechaun says, "I can't beleive it either" The man replies, "You can't beleive I'm actually letting you bone me too huh?" "Not exactly," The Leprechaun says, "I just can't beleive you really think I'm a Leprechaun!!!"
Measure of Manliness
3 guys get pulled over by a woman cop.
They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.
The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.
The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.
The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.
So they get out of the ticket.
After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.
The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I had a boner.
They tried to get out of the speeding ticket, so the woman said if all ur dicks equal up to 15 inches ill let you off.
The driver pulls out his dick which is 7 inches.
The guy in the front of the passenger seat pulls his out which is 6 inches.
The last guy in the back pulls his out and it's 2 inches.
So they get out of the ticket.
After a while they hear the guy laughing hysterically in the back.
The driver asks, "What's wrong why are you laughing?" the guy in back says good thing I had a boner.
No Excuse
A teacher was wrapping up class, and started talking about tomorrow's final exam. He said there would be no excuses for not showing up tomorrow, barring a dire medical condition or an immediate family member's death. One smart ass, male student said, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion?", and the whole classroom burst into laughter.
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
After the laughter had subsided, the teacher glared at the student, and said, "Not an excuse, you can use your other hand to write."
I Remember....
One day an 85-year-old man is taking a stroll around his hometown, which he has lived in for his whole life. As he sees the landmarks, homes, and streets from his youth, he starts reminiscing....
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."
"I remember helping build that bridge when I was 25. I worked hard on that. But people won't call you 'the bridge builder' if you do that here. No, no, they don't!"
"I remember building that house over there when I was 30. But people won't call you 'the house builder' if you do that. No, no they don't!"
"I remember building that tavern that I still lounge at when I was 35. If you do that people won't call you 'the tavern builder' either. They sure won't!"
"But if you fuck one goat......."
I want to get weighed
John took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked the man. "I want to get weighed," said the girl. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, John again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and John lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, John figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
5th Floor
Construction worker on the 5th floor of a building needed a handsaw. So he spots another worker on the ground floor and yells down to him, but he can't hear him. So the worker on the 5th floor tries sign language.
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
He pointed to his eye meaning "I", pointed to his knee meaning "need", then moved his hand back and forth in a hand saw motion. The man on the ground floor nods his head, pulls down his pants, whips out his cock and starts masturbating.
The worker on 5th floor gets so pissed off he runs down to the ground floor and says, "What the fuck is your problem!!! I said I needed a hand saw!".
The other guy says, "I knew that! I was just trying to tell you - I'm coming!"
Son-in-Law
Sitting at home one night with his wife, a man is casually tossing peanuts into the air and catching them in his mouth. As the couple take in the latest episode of their favorite program, the man loses concentration for a split second, and a peanut goes into his ear. He tries to get it out, but succeeds only in forcing the thing in awfully
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
deep.
After a few hours of fruitless rooting the couple decide to go to the hospital, but on their way out of the front door they meet their daughter coming in with her boyfriend.
The boyfriend takes control of the situation; he tells them he's studying medicine and that they're not to worry about a thing. He then sticks two fingers up the man's nose and asks him to blow, and low and behold, the nut shoots from the ear and out across the room.
As the daughter and her boyfriend go through to the kitchen to get drinks, the man and his wife sit down to discuss their luck. "So" the wife says, "what do you think he'll become after he finishes school? A GP or a surgeon?"
"Well says the man, rubbing his nose, "by the smell of his fingers, I think he's likely to be our son-in-law."
Penis Name
A man walks into a bar and immediately realizes its a gay bar.
He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to the bar.
The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?"
The man says "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer."
The bartender replies,"I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
The man says, "Okay then what's the name of your penis?"
The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know Just Do it.
The man thought for a moment then replied "Mine is named Secret."
The bartender replied "Secret??"
The man explained you know, Strong enough for a man, made for a woman."
He thinks to himself I'm not gay but I really want to to drink so he walks up to the bar.
The bartender asks "What is the name of your penis?"
The man says "Man get outta my face I'm not like that, just gimme a beer."
The bartender replies,"I'm sorry sir but I can't serve you until you tell me the name of your penis."
The man says, "Okay then what's the name of your penis?"
The bartender replies "Mine is named Nike, You know Just Do it.
The man thought for a moment then replied "Mine is named Secret."
The bartender replied "Secret??"
The man explained you know, Strong enough for a man, made for a woman."
Mental Institute Hot Line
Answering Service At The Mental Institute
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
"Hello, and welcome to the mental health hotline.
If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
If you have multiple personalities, press 3,4,5, and 6.
If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will transferred to the mother ship.
If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
If you are manic depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the hash key until someone comes on the line.
If you are dyslexic, press 6969696969.
If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, phone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
If you have post-traumatic-stress disorder, slowly and carefully press 000.
If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9. If you have short term memory loss, press 9.
If you have low self esteem, please hang up. All our operators are too busy to talk to you."
Magic Penis
A businessman was preparing to go on a long business trip, so he thought he'd buy his wife something to keep her occupied. He went to a sex shop and explained his situation. The man there said, ' Well, I don't know that I have anything that will keep her occupied for so many weeks, except.... the Magic Penis!'
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
The husband said, 'The what'?
The man repeated, 'The Magic Penis,' and pulled out what seemed to be an ordinary dildo.
The husband laughed, and said, 'It looks like a dildo!'
The man then pointed to the door and said, ' Magic Penis, door!'
The penis rose out of its box, darted over to the door and started pounding away at the keyhole. The whole door shook wildly with vibrations, so much so, that a crack began to form down the middle. Then the man said, 'Magic Penis, return to box!' and the penis stopped and returned to the box.
The husband bought it and took it home to his wife. After the husband had been gone a few days, the wife
remembered the Magic Penis. She undressed, opened the box and said 'Magic Penis, my crotch.' The penis
shot to her crotch. It was absolutely incredible. After three mind shattering orgasms, she became very exhausted and decided she'd had enough. She tried to pull it out, but it was stuck. Her husband had neglected to tell her how to turn it off so she put her clothes on, got in her car and started for the closest hospital.
On the way, another incredibly intense orgasm made her swerve all over the road. A police officer saw this and immediately pulled her over. He asked for her license, and then asked how much she'd had to drink.
Gasping and twitching, the woman said, 'I haven't had anything to drink officer You see, I've got this Magic Penis thing stuck in my crotch and it won't stop screwing me.'
The officer looked at her for a second, shook his head and replied, 'Yeah right.... Magic Penis, my ass....!'
The rest, as they say, is history...
Fluffy Toys
A guy meets a girl out at a nightclub and she invites him back to her place for the night, her parents are out of town and this is the perfect opportunity. They get back to her house and they go into her bedroom, and when the guy walks in the door he notices all these fluffy toys. There's hundreds of them, fluffy toys on top of the wardrobe, fluffy toys on the bookshelf and window sill, there's more on the floor, and of course fluffy toys all over the bed. Later, after they've had sex, he turns to her and asks,
''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''
''So, how was I?''
She says, ''Well, you can take anything from the bottom shelf.''
Electric Fence
There's an old couple, both in their 70's, on a sentimental holiday back to the place where they first met. They're sitting in a pub and he says to her, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the barn. You leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
"Yes, she says, I remember it well." she replies.
"OK, he says, How about taking a stroll round there again and we can do it for old times sake?"
Smiling his wife responds, "Oh Henry, you devil, that sounds like a good idea, she answers."
There's a man sitting at the next table listening to all this, having a chuckle to himself. He thinks, I've got to see this, two old timers having sex against a fence. So he follows them.
They walk haltingly along, leaning on each other for support, aided by walking sticks. Finally they get to the back of the barn and make their way to the fence. The old lady lifts her skirt, takes her knickers down and the old man drops his trousers. She turns around and hangs on to the fence and the old man moves in. Suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex the watching man has ever seen. They are bucking and jumping like eighteen-year-olds. This goes on for about forty minutes. She's yelling Ohhh God! He's hanging on to her hips for dear life.
This is the most athletic sex imaginable. Finally, they both collapse panting on the ground. The guy watching is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life that he didn't know. He starts to think about his own aged parents and wonders whether they still have sex like this.
After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The guy, still watching thinks, That was truly amazing, he was going like a train. I've got to ask him what his secret is.
As the couple pass, the guy says to them, "That was something else, you must have been shagging for about forty minutes. How do you manage it? Is there some sort of secret?"
"No, there's no secret, the old man says, except fifty years ago that fucking fence wasn't electrified."
Cinderella
Cinderella wanted to go to the ball one night, but she didn't have any tampons to use and she was on the rags. Her Fairy Godmother came to the rescue and turned a pumpkin next to Cinderella's house into a tampon. The Godmother says, "Now use the tampon, but be sure to get back home before midnight or it will turn back into a pumpkin, and that wouldn't be good." Cinderella agrees and leaves the house.
Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."
Midnight comes along...no Cinderella, 1am, 2am and 3am, still no Cinderella!
Finally, 5am rolls by and Cinderella waltzes through the door and the fairy godmother jumps up. "Where the hell have you been?!?" To which Cinderella replies, "I met this amazing guy, and well, before I knew it, we got into a serious bang session. His name was Peter Peter....."
Chicken Sandwiches
A little boy and a little girl attended the same school and became friends. Everyday they would sit together to eat their lunch.
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards"!!!
They discovered that they both brought chicken sandwiches every day!
This went on all through the fourth and fifth grades, until one day he noticed that her sandwich wasn't a chicken sandwich.
He said, "Hey, how come you're not eating chicken, don't you like it anymore?"
She said "I love it but I have to stop eating it."
"Why?" he asked.
She pointed to her lap and said "Because I'm starting to grow little feathers down there!"
"Let me see" he said.
"Okay" and she pulled up her skirt.
He looked and said "That's right. You are! Better not eat any more chicken."
He kept eating his chicken sandwiches until one day he brought peanut butter. He said to the little girl, "I have to stop eating chicken sandwiches; I'm starting to get feathers down there too!"
She asked if she could look, so he pulled down his pants for her. She said, "Oh, my God, it's too late for you! You've already got the neck and the gizzards"!!!
Boat Ride
Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a great big smile on his face. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so happy for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat, and a redhead came up to me.. tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I said 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. I turned off the key and I said 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike. She couldn't swim!"
The next day Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat sitting at the end of the bar with a even bigger smile on his face. Mike says, "What are you happy about today Pat?"
"Well Mike.... I gotta tell ya... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just waxin' my boat and a BEAUTIFUL blond came up to me...tits out to here, Mike. Tits out to here! She said 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
I told her 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out, Mike. Way out much further than the last one. I turned off the key and I said, 'It's either screw or swim!' She couldn't swim, Mike! She couldn't swim!"
A couple days pass and Mike walks into a bar and sees Pat down there cryin'
over a beer. Mike says, "Pat, what are you so sad for?"
"Well Mike, I gotta tell ya.... Yesterday I was out waxin' my boat, just
waxin' my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me... tits WAY out to here, Mike. Tits WAY out to here. She says, 'Can I have a ride in your boat?'
So I said, 'Sure you can have a ride in my boat.' So I took her way out,
Mike, way WAY out... much further than the last two.
I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said 'It's either screw or swim!'
She pulled down her pants and.....She had a pecker, Mike! She had this great BIG pecker! ... and I can't swim Mike! I can't swim!"
Barbie & G.I. Joe
A little girl goes to see Santa Clause at the local shopping mall.
When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
When she arrives and sits down on Santa's lap Santa asks "What do you want for Christmas little girl?".
"I want a Barbie and a GI Joe" says the little girl.
"But Barbie comes with Ken" Santa says,
"No, Barbie only 'cums' with GI Joe!"
Sweet Ass Story
It was another Payday and I was tired of Mr. Goodbar.
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky shit." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
I saw Miss Hershey standing behind the Powerhouse on the corner of Clark and Fifth Avenue when I whipped out my Whopper and whispered, "Hey Sweetheart, how'd you like to Crunch on my big hunk for a Million Dollar Bar?"
Well, she immediately went down on my Tootsie Roll, and it was like pure Almond Joy!
I couldn't help but grab her delicious Mounds because it was easy to see that this little Twix had the Red Hots.
It was all I could do to hold the Snickers and Crackle as my Butterfinger went up her tight little Kit Kat and she started to scream "Oh Henry, Oh Henry!"
Soon she was fondling my Peter Pan and ZagNut and I knew it wouldn't be long before I blew my Milk Duds clear to Mars that gave her a taste of the old Milky Way.
She asked me if I was into M&M, but I said, "Hey Chicklet, no kinky shit." I said, "Look you little Reese's Pieces, don't be a Zero, be a Lifesaver. Why don't you take my Whatchamacallit and slip it up your Bit 'O' Honey?"
(What a piece of Juicy Fruit she was, too!)
She screamed, "Oh Crackerjack, better than the Three Musketeers!" as I rammed my Ding Dong up her Rocky Road and into her Peanut Butter Cup.
Well, I was giving it to her Good 'N' Plenty, when all the sudden... my Starburst!
Yeah, as luck would have it, she started to grow Chunky and complained of a Wrigley in her stomach.
Sure enough, nine months later, out popped? Baby Ruth!
3 Guys in a Strip Club
There were these three guys in a strip club and the first guy had 15 dollars, the 2nd guy had 10 and the 3rd guy had 5.
Well the 3rd guy went backstage with one of the girls and he came back smiling.
Everyone was like what did she do to you and he said "she put whip cream on my ___ and licked it off."
So the guy with $10 decided to go back.
He also came back smiling and he said "that she put whip cream and caramel on his ___ and licked it off."
So the guy with $15 decided to try his luck.
He also came back smiling and they were dying to know what happened.
He said "well she put whip cream, caramel, AND gummy worms on mine, but hey it looked so good I decided to lick it off myself !"
Well the 3rd guy went backstage with one of the girls and he came back smiling.
Everyone was like what did she do to you and he said "she put whip cream on my ___ and licked it off."
So the guy with $10 decided to go back.
He also came back smiling and he said "that she put whip cream and caramel on his ___ and licked it off."
So the guy with $15 decided to try his luck.
He also came back smiling and they were dying to know what happened.
He said "well she put whip cream, caramel, AND gummy worms on mine, but hey it looked so good I decided to lick it off myself !"
Two Friends
Two friends meet in the office of one of them, a notorious techno-geek.
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
"Hey, bud, how are ya?"
"I'm good. Congratulations, that new secretary of yours is beautiful!"
"Well, I'm glad you like her. Believe it or not, she's a robot!"
"No way, how could that be?"
"Way! She's the latest model from Japan. Lemme tell you how she works. If you squeeze her left tit, she takes dictation. If you squeeze her right tit, she types a letter. And that's not all, she can have sex, too!"
"Holy shit! You're kidding, right?"
"No, she's something, huh? Tell you what, you can even borrow her."
So, his friend takes her into the restroom and is in there with her for a while. Suddenly, he hears him screaming "Eeeeyaaaaa! Heeelp" Ooooooh! Aaaaaaah! eeeeeeeeeaaargghhhh!"
The guy says, "Shit! I forgot to tell him her ass is a pencil sharpener!"
Hello All this is EzMony
Since this is my first post, I'd like to take this time to WARN everybody.... most of my jokes have Foul Language & Sexual themes...... If you don't care for that type of stuff PLEASE don't read & get offended.... If you do then read on LOL..... I'll post three to four new jokes every week for your enjoyment....... And thanks for stopping by my Blog & reading my goofiness :)
Your friend,
EzMony
Your friend,
EzMony
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