Flavored Condoms

A Man comes home with some flavored condoms to spice up the long winter nights. He comes in, throws off his coat, and announces it to his wife, who becomes immediately excited. Without a word, she grabs him by the balls and drags him upstairs. He jumps into bed, and she runs off to the bathroom to powder her nose.

While he is lying in the bed, hands behind his head, the wife comes in. She strips at the foot of the bed and slides up under the bedding and starts playing the pink oboe.

Suddenly, she lifts the bedding and says to her husband "Mmmmm, cheese and onion?"

To which he replies, "No, hang on a minute. I haven't put one on yet."

Gas Station Contest

Two rednecks, Billy Joe and Bubba, were out driving when they noticed the gas tank was getting low, so they stopped at a local station to fill up.

After topping off the tank, they went inside to pay, where noticed a big sign on the desk: ASK ABOUT OUR FREE SEX CONTEST!

"Hey, what's that all about?" Billy Joe asked the attendant.

"Oh, that's something new we just started," the attendant replied. "The way it works is that I think of a number, and if you guess it, you get free sex."

Billy Joe and Bubba thought that was a pretty good idea, so they each took a guess.

"I'll say eight," said Billy Joe.

"Sorry," said the attendant. "It's four."

"I'll try five," said Bubba.

"Nope. It's two," the attendant replied. "But hey, come back and try again."

Billy Joe and Bubba walked away, disappointed, but they were determined to give it another try. And so the next time they were low on gas, they stopped in again. And again. After about a month, they decided to give it one last try.

"Six," Billy Joe said to the attendant. "It's gotta be six."

"I'm really sorry," said the attendant. "It was nine this time."

"Okay, I guess three," said Bubba.

"Oh, you were close," said the attendant. "It was two."

And so, the two disappointed rednecks walked back to their truck.

"You know," said Billy Joe, "I'm beginning to think that contest is rigged!"

"No," sighed Bubba. "It's for real. My wife's won seven times already."

Firefighter

A firefighter was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides & a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl was wearing a firefighter's helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog & her cat.

The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the firefighter said with admiration.

"Thanks," the Girl replied.

The firefighter looked a little closer & noticed the girl had tied the wagon to her dog's collar & to the cat's testicles.

"Little partner," the firefighter said "I don't want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster."

The little girl replied thoughtfully, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Cowboy and The Mexican

The cowboy sat on a stool drinking a beer as the Mexican, also dressed in western garb sat next to him.

There was a slight nod as they looked at each other. Soon the cowboy ordered another and bought one for the Mexican also. When their glasses became empty the cowboy bought again. Then a third time the cowboy bought again and the Mexican grinned and spoke something but the bar-tender never knew what he said. Then the cowboy seemed to be infuriated and stood up suddenly drawing his gun and shot the Mexican dead...

At the cowboys hearing the judge asked the cowboy, "Why did you suddenly become enraged for no apparent reason and shoot this individual dead.

"Well, the cowboy explained, I tried to be friendly and he began calling me names and insulting me for no reason and finally I got mad"

"What names did he call you that made you so mad that you wanted to kill him"?, asked the Judge.

"Well, answered the cowboy, three times I bought him a drink, and each time he grinned in my face and called me Grassy Ass."

Onions And Christmas

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?

The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of breasts. In her 20s, a woman's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions".

"Onions?"

"Yes, you see them and they make you cry."

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mom, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20s, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree".

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are just for decoration."

Chinese Couple

There is this just married Chinese couple that decided to make love on their wedding night in the hotel where they held their wedding. The wife did not want to get pregnant and requested the husband to buy a condom from the shop nearby. When the husband went out, the wife waited anxiously in the room with all the lights switched off.

The husband had a hard time looking for a shop that sold condoms and when he finally found one, he realized that he had only one 20 cents coin. He asks the shop owner to sell him one piece of condom and the shop owner asked him which quality he wanted.

"The white condom, lowest quality, is 15 cents each. The black condom, average quality, is 20 cents each. And the purple condom, highest quality, is 25 cents each."

So the husband took the black condom as he had only 20 cents with him. While the husband was out, a black thief came into the room. The wife did not notice and thought that it was her husband. She grabbed the thief and happily started screwing away. The wife was so exhausted that she fell asleep immediately.

When the husband reached the hotel, he found his wife sleeping. Without a warning, he jumped onto his wife, mounted her and started screwing her vigorously. The wife was surprised that the husband was so energetic as she thoroughly enjoyed the session.

A year later, the wife gave birth to a black baby boy. When the baby grew up, he asked the father. "Papa, why am I black and you are white?"

The father shouted "You are damn lucky, 5 cents more and you would have been PURPLE!"

Condom

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy the first thing Daisy asked was, "Do you have a condom?"

Donald frowned and said, "No."

Daisy told Donald that if he didn't get a condom, they could not have sex.

"Maybe they sell them at the front desk," she suggested.

So Donald went down to the lobby and asked the hotel clerk if they had condoms.

"Yes, we do," the clerk said and pulled one out from under the counter and gave it to Donald.

The clerk asked, "Would you like me to put that on your bill?

"No!" Donald quacked, "What kind of a pervert do you think I am?"