What You Got

A married couple is driving along a highway doing a steady forty miles per hour. The wife is behind the wheel. Her husband suddenly looks across at her and speaks in a clear voice.

"Darling," he says. "I know we've been married for twenty years, but I want a divorce."

The wife says nothing, keeps looking at the road ahead but slowly increases her speed to 45 mph.

The husband speaks again, "I don't want you to try and talk me out of it, "he says, "because I've been having an affair with your best friend, and she's a far better lover than you are."

Again the wife stays quiet, but grips the steering wheel more tightly and slowly increases the speed to 55.

He pushes his luck. "I want the house," he says insistently. Up to 60. "I want the car, too," he continues. 65 mph. "And," he says, "I'll have the bank accounts, all the credit cards and the boat." The car slowly starts veering towards a massive concrete bridge.

This makes him a wee bit nervous, so he asks her: "Isn't there anything you want?"

The wife at last replies - in a quiet and controlled voice. "No, I've got everything I need." she says.

"Oh, really?" he inquires, "So what have you got?"

Just before they slam into the wall at 75 mph, the wife turns to him, smiles, and says, "The airbag."

Hairless

Mrs. Schmidlap hires a maid with beautiful blonde hair. The first morning, the girl pulls off the hair and says, "I wear a wig, because I was born totally hairless. Not a hair on my body, not even down there."

That night, Mrs. Schmidlap tells her husband. He says, "I've never seen anything like that. Please tomorrow, ask her to go into the bedroom and show you. I want to hide in the closet so I can have a look."

The next day, Mrs. Schmidlap asks the girl, the two of them go into the bedroom, and the girl strips and shows her. Then the girl says, "I've never seen one with hair on it. Can I see yours?"

So Mrs. Schmidlap pulls off her clothes and shows her. That night, Mrs. Schmidlap says to her husband, "I hope you're satisfied, because I was pretty embarrassed when that girl asked to see mine."

Her husband says, "You think you were embarrassed...I had the four guys I play poker with in the closet with me."

Large Stiff One

After noticing a beautiful young redhead sitting alone at the bar, a young stud confidently strolls over to her side and says, “What can I get you, gorgeous?”
 
The woman blushes and replies, “if you’re sure you don’t mind, I’ll have a large stiff one, please.”
 
“Would that be before or after I get the drinks?”

New CEO

A new CEO of a company decided to make some changes in his company. He was going to let the workforce know he means business. While he was walking the floor he noticed a man leaning against a wall.

He approached him and said, " How much do you make a week?"

The man said $400.00 The CEO gave him $1,600.00 and said, "Leave here and don't ever come back." The man took the money and did as he was told.

The CEO asked an employee, "What did that guy do around here anyway?"

The employee replied; "That was the Pizza delivery guy."

Smoke Rings

A guy is traveling across the plains of America and stops at a roadhouse. He stands at the end of the bar quietly sipping his beer and blowing smoke rings. 

After this goes on for a while an angry Indian approaches him and says, “Now buddy, listen if you don’t stop insulting my wife, I’ll kick the crap out of you!”

Run Dandy

“What’s that drink you’re mixing?” the stranger asked the bartender in the exotic Caribbean bar. “I call this a rum dandy,” said the bartender.

“What’s in it?” asked the stranger.

“Sugar, milk, and rum,” said the bartender.

“Is it good?” asked the stranger.

“Sure,” said the barkeep. “The sugar gives you pep, the milk gives you energy.”

“And the rum?” asked the stranger.

“Ideas about what to do with all that pep and energy” replied the bartender.

One Question

An office manager at Wal-Mart was given the task of hiring an individual to fill a job opening. After sorting through a stack of resumes he found four people who were equally qualified. He decided to call the four in and ask them only one question.
Their answer would determine which of them would get the job.

The day came and as the four sat around the conference room table the interviewer asked, "What is the fastest thing you know of?" Acknowledging the first man on his right, the man replied, "A THOUGHT". It just pops into your head. There's no warning that it's on the way; it's just there. A thought is the fastest thing I know of." "That's very good!" replied the interviewer.

"And now you sir?" he asked the second man. "Hmm.... let me see. A blink! It comes and goes and you don't know that it ever happened. A BLINK is the fastest thing I know of." "Excellent!" said the interviewer. "The blink of an eye, that's a very popular cliché for speed."

He then turned to the third man who was contemplating his reply. "Well, out at my dad's ranch, you step out of the house and on the wall there's a light switch. When you flip that switch, way out across the pasture the light in the barn comes on in less than an instant. Yep, TURNING ON A LIGHT is the fastest thing I can think of." The interviewer was very impressed with the third answer and thought he had found his man. "It's hard to beat the speed of light" he said.

Turning to Bubba, the fourth and final man, the interviewer posed the same question. Old Bubba replied, "After hearing the three previous answers, it's obvious to me that the fastest thing known is DIARRHEA." "WHAT!" said the interviewer, stunned by the response. "Oh I can explain,” said Old Bubba. "You see the other day I wasn't feeling so good and I ran for the bathroom. But, before I could THINK, BLINK, or TURN ON THE LIGHT, I had already ...........my pants!"

Old Bubba is now the new "Greeter" Blackwell, Oklahoma Wal-Mart.