Purple Heart

Denis had been a soldier at war for more than three years, during which he had been in many battles and won many decorations. He was finally discharged from service and returned home to a wife and son whom he hadn’t seen in almost four years.

As he was walking up the path to his house, his young son spotted him and yelled, “Mommy, Mommy, here comes Daddy he’s got a purple heart on!” to which the mother replied, “I don’t give a dam what color it is! Let him in, and you go play at he Joneses’ for a couple of hours.”

Window Washer

A beautiful woman had just stepped out of the bathtub in her hotel suite and was about to reach for a towel when she caught sight of a window washer taking in all of her glory. Too stunned to move, she stood staring at the man. 

“Whatcha lookin’ at, lady?” he finally asked. “Ain’tcha never seen a window washer before?”

Cork

Two guys are in a locker room after their racquetball match when one guy notices the other has a cork in his ass. “If you don’t mind me saying,” said the second, “the cork looks terribly uncomfortable. Why don’t you take it out?”

“I can’t,” lamented the first man. “It’s permanent.”

“I don’t understand,” said the other.

"Well," says the first guy, “I was walking along the beach and I tripped over an oil lamp. There was a puff of smoke, and then a huge man in a turban came oozing out. He said, “I am Hasan the Genie. I can grant you one wish.

And I said, ‘No shit.’”

New U2 Record

Walking up to the counter in the record store, the luscious young lady asked the man, “Do you have U2’s latest?”
 
“What I got for you,” the man said, leaning closer, “is an eight-inch schlong.”
 
Puzzled, the girl asked, “Is that a record?” 

“No,” the clerk said, “but it’s far better than average.”

Cookie

A farmer was munching on a cookie as he watches the rooster chase a hen around. Playfully, the farmer threw a piece of cookie to the ground. Seeing it, the rooster stopped chasing the hen and ran to the piece of cookie. 

The farmer shook his head slowly and said, “Gosh, I hope I never get that hungry.”

Fuzz

After meeting at a bar, the young couple repaired to a local lover’s lane, where they proceeded to cement their new relationship. Having freed her of blouse and bra, he was helping remove the rest of her clothing when a police car drove by.

“Fuzz,” he whispered excitedly, ducking his head.

“What did you expect,” she replied, “a ponytail?”

Blind Man

A husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their 8 children. A blind man joins them a few minutes later. When the bus arrives, they find it is overloaded and only the wife and kids are able to fit. The husband and the blind man decide to walk, the blind man’s cane tapping the ground. After a while the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick and says, “Why don’t you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick? The ticking sound is driving me crazy!” 

The blind man replies, “If you had put a rubber at the end of your stick, we would be sitting in the bus right now.”