A man and his wife got into bed for the night. The wife had curled up ready for sleep and the husband put his bed lamp on to read a book. As he was reading, he stopped and reached over to his wife and started fondling her pussy. He did this only for a very short while then stopped and went back to reading his book. The wife got up and started stripping in front of him.
The husband was confused and asked "What the hell are doing, taking all your jammies off?"
The wife replied "You were playing with my pussy. I thought it was foreplay for something a bit heavier".
The husband said "Hell no! I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages.
Monday, April 30, 2012
Sunday, April 29, 2012
The Many Uses of Vasoline
Scott is shopping for a new motorcycle. He finally finds one for a great price. The motorcycle is missing a seal, though, so whenever it rains Scott has to smear Vaseline over the spot where the seal should be. Scott’s girlfriend is having him over for dinner to meet her parents one evening. He drives his new motorcycle to his girlfriend’s house.
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Scott sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Scott decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Scott and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Scott grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table. Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Scott remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
She is waiting outside for him when he arrives. "No matter what happens at dinner tonight, don't say a word. Our family had a fight a while ago about doing the dinner dishes. We haven't done any since... and the first person to speak at dinner has to do them."
Scott sits down for dinner and soon notices that his girlfriend wasn’t exaggerating. It is just how she described it. Dishes are piled up to the ceiling in the kitchen and nobody is saying a word. Scott decides to have a little fun. He grabs his girlfriend, throws her onto the table and has sex with her in front of her parents. His girlfriend is a little flustered, her father is obviously livid, and her mother is horrified. Yet, when Scott and his girlfriend resume their places at the dinner table, nobody says a word.
A few minutes later, Scott grabs his girlfriend’s mom, throws her onto the table and does a repeat performance. Now his girlfriend is furious, her father is boiling, and her mother is a little more pleased. But still, there is complete silence at the table. Suddenly, there is a loud clap of thunder and it starts to rain. Scott remembers his motorcycle outside and so he jumps up and grabs his jar of Vaseline.
With a look of terror in his eyes, the girlfriend’s father backs away from the table and exclaims "Okay, enough already, I'll do the damn dishes!"
Saturday, April 28, 2012
Blow Job Celebration
A man walks into a bar and orders 6 shots of tequila.
The bartender asks "Why so many buddy?"
The man replies "I'm celebrating my first blow job".
The bartender says "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free."
The man says "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."
The bartender asks "Why so many buddy?"
The man replies "I'm celebrating my first blow job".
The bartender says "Well hell, congratulations, I will give you one on the house for free."
The man says "No thank you, if the first 6 shots don't get the taste out of my mouth one more won't make a difference."
Friday, April 27, 2012
The Moral of the Story 2
A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.
There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading,
"Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches."
Door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading,
"Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."
He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches."
Door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.
The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."
Thursday, April 26, 2012
The Moral of the Story 1
A teacher gave her class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.
Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."
"And what is the moral to that story?" Asked the Teacher
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Answered Kathy
"Very good," said the teacher.
Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
"That was a fine example, Tammy."
"Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."
"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."
"And what is the moral to that story?" Asked the Teacher
"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Answered Kathy
"Very good," said the teacher.
Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."
"That was a fine example, Tammy."
"Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."
"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."
"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"
"Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
The Coma
A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse , no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse , no heart rate.
The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.
The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?
Little Johnnie
The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."
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