Husband and wife are getting all snugly in bed. The passion is heating up. But then the wife stops and says "I don't feel like it, I just want you to hold me."
The husband says "WHAT?"
The wife says, "You must not be in tune with my emotional needs as a woman."
The husband realizes that nothing is going to happen tonight and he might as well deal with it. So the next day the husband takes her shopping at a big department store. He walks around and has her try on three very expensive outfits. She can't decide. He tells his wife to take all three of them. They go over and get matching shoes worth $200 each. Then they go to the Jewelry Department where she gets a set of diamond earrings. The wife is so excited. She thinks her husband has flipped out, but she does not care. She goes for the tennis bracelet.
The husband says, "But you don't even play tennis, but OK, if you like it then let's get it."
The wife is jumping up and down ? she?s so excited, she cannot believe what is going on. She says "I'm ready to go, let's go to the cash register."
The husband says, "No - no - no, honey we're not going to buy all this stuff."
The wife's face goes blank, "No honey - I just want you to HOLD this stuff for a while."
Her face gets really mad and she is about to explode and the husband says "You must not be in tune with my financial needs as a man."
Monday, January 30, 2012
Sunday, January 29, 2012
The Black Box
The Pilot comes on the intercom and says "We’re having major engine trouble and a crash is inevitable, so please prepare your self." The blonde immediately opens her purse and frantically touches up her makeup.
The Hispanic woman next to her says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash." The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.
The black woman sees this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"
The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first." The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties.
The other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"
The Hispanic woman next to her says, "What are you doing? We're going to crash! We're not going to a party!"
The blonde answers, "I know, but I heard that they always save the beautiful people first in a crash." The Hispanic woman then goes through her purse and puts on every bit of jewelry she has and puts on the beautiful new sweater she was taking to her mother as a gift.
The black woman sees this and asks, "Girl, are you crazy? What are you doing?"
The Hispanic woman says, "I heard, that in a crash, they always look for the rich people first." The black woman then jumps up and removes her skirt and panties.
The other two women ask her what she is doing.
"I don't know where you two get your information, but when I see a plane crash on the news, the most important thing is finding the black box!"
Saturday, January 28, 2012
Crotchless Panties
One day a girl decided to buy some crotchless panties to surprise her boyfriend. She went and bought them, got home, put them on and waited. When the boyfriend got home there she was spread eagle on the bed with only her panties and bra on.
"Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties. I ain't going any where near it!"
"Come over here baby." she says smiling.
The boyfriend backs off, "If your pussy can do that to your panties. I ain't going any where near it!"
Friday, January 27, 2012
New Rooster
This farmer has a bunch of hens that are not producing many eggs. So one morning he goes out and buys a young horny rooster in an effort to get his hens back into an egg laying mood. He names him Jimmy. That first day Jimmy lays every hen on the farm and at the end of the day the farmer finds Jimmy trying to make it with his horse. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "You've gotta slow down or you're going to kill yourself!"
The next day Jimmy lays every hen again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make it with his cow. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "I told you, you better slow down or you're going to kill yourself."
The following morning Jimmy lays every hen again, but this time, he lays all the other farm animals as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion.
In the middle of all his animals is Jimmy, laying with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Jimmy and says, "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Jimmy opens one eye, looks at the farmer and says, "Shhh... buzzards."
The next day Jimmy lays every hen again, and at the end of the day the farmer finds the rooster now trying to make it with his cow. The farmer walks over to Jimmy and says, "I told you, you better slow down or you're going to kill yourself."
The following morning Jimmy lays every hen again, but this time, he lays all the other farm animals as well. The farmer finds all his animals passed out from exhaustion.
In the middle of all his animals is Jimmy, laying with his legs sticking straight up in the air and buzzards circling over head. The farmer walks up to Jimmy and says, "See, I told you if you didn't slow down, you'd kill yourself." Jimmy opens one eye, looks at the farmer and says, "Shhh... buzzards."
Thursday, January 26, 2012
The Gynecologist
A woman in her 30's was taking her mother, who was in her 50's to the gynecologist. After dropping her mother off, she and her daughter ran a few errands, then returned to the doctor. While the older woman had her feet in the stirrups, the doctor remarked, "Don't we look pretty today", as he performed his examination. The lady was quite shocked, but said nothing.
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
When her daughter picked her up, she was quite upset. The Following conversation ensued:
Mother: Do you know what that doctor said to me? He said, "Don't we look pretty today", while he was looking between my legs! Do you think that was appropriate?
Daughter: No! Are you sure he wasn't referring to your hairstyle or something?
Mother: Well, it still wasn't appropriate or professional. I wonder if it could be considered sexual harassment. What do you think?
Daughter: I don't know. We're you embarrassed?
Mother: I was very embarrassed. I used some of your FDS this morning, and he may have smelled that, but I still don't think he should have commented!
Daughter: I don't have any FDS.
Mother: Why, sure you do! In the blue can that was on back of the toilet. I used some before the appointment...
Granddaughter: That's my Barbie Golden Glitter Hair Spray!
Wednesday, January 25, 2012
Phone
A man was in a locker room, changing after playing golf. Suddenly, his phone rang. He put it on speaker for the rest of the guys to hear....
"Hey hun!" A woman said.
"Hey babe." The man said.
"Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?"
The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you."
"Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars."
"Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied.
"Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it'll go fast." She said.
"Okay then offer 900,000- we'll be sure to get it then!"
"Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!"
"Bye." He shut the phone.
Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
"Hey hun!" A woman said.
"Hey babe." The man said.
"Oh my gosh, I just found this beautiful leather jacket... but it was 200 bucks... can I get it?"
The man replied, "Of course baby! Anything for you."
"Thanks! And by the way, I passed the dealership and saw the car we want, but its 20,000 dollars."
"Oh, who cares! Get it with all the options and features!" The man replied.
"Really! Oh, and lastly, the house we wanted is back on the market... the asking price is 750,000, and they expect it'll go fast." She said.
"Okay then offer 900,000- we'll be sure to get it then!"
"Ok! Great hun. I gotta go. I love you! Byee!"
"Bye." He shut the phone.
Every man in the locker room looked at him in disbelief. Then the man said.... "Does anyone know whose phone this is?"
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Breathalyzer
A cop saw a car weaving all over the road and pulled it over. He walked up to the car and saw a nice-looking woman behind the wheel. There was a strong smell liquor on her breath.
He said "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied "You mean it shows that, too?"
He said "I'm going to give you a breathalyzer test to determine if you are under the influence of alcohol." She blew up the balloon and he walked it back to the police car. After a couple of minutes, he returned to her car and said "It looks like you've had a couple of stiff ones."
She replied "You mean it shows that, too?"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)