Cheapskate

A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the stage.

He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.

The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."

Hard Time

An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."

"Have you tried counting sheep?"

"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."

Lifelong Dream

For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.

Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.

"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"

"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."

Come Fly With Me

Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.

The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.

The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.

At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.

In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."

Sleeping Positions

According to a new article in 'Cosmopolitan' magazine, they say the position you sleep in says a lot about you.

They say women who sleep on their sides are sensitive,
women who sleep on their stomachs are competent,
and women who sleep on their backs with their ankles behind their ears are very popular.

Body Language

A woman gets on a city bus. She looks at the driver and holds up one hand; the driver holds up two hands.

Next, the woman points up; the driver points down.

Then, the woman grabs her breast; the driver grabs his crotch.

Finally, the woman grabs her butt and gets off the bus.

A curious passenger asked the bus driver what the odd motions were all about.

The driver explained, "The woman is a deaf-mute. She asked me if a bus ride is five cents, and I told her it was ten cents. Next, she asked if the bus was going uptown, and I told her it was going downtown. Then, she asked if the bus was going pass the milk-farm, and I told her it was going pass the ball-park."

The passenger interjected, "Okay, but why did she grab her butt as she left the bus?"

The driver continued, she replied "Oh shit, I'm on the wrong bus!"

Effective Messages

Fifteen days ago, I read that smoking can kill you; The next day I stopped smoking.

Twelve days ago, I read that too much red meat can kill you; The next day I stopped eating red meat.

Eight days ago, I read that drinking can kill you; the next day I stopped drinking.

Yesterday, I read that having sex can kill you; this morning I stopped reading.