Fishing

A kind-hearted fellow was walking through Central Park in New York and was astonished to see an old man, fishing rod in hand, fishing over a beautiful bed of lillies.

"Tsk Tsk!" said the passerby to himself. "What a sad sight. That poor old man is fishing over a bed of flowers. I'll see if I can help."

The kind fellow walked up to the old man and asked, "What are you doing, my friend?"

"Fishin', sir."

"Fishin', eh. Well how would you like to come have a drink with me?"

The old man stood put his rod away and followed the kind stranger to the corner bar. He ordered a large glass of beer and a fine cigar.

His host, the kind fellow, felt good about helping the old man, and he asked, "Tell me, old friend, how many did you catch this morning?"

The old fellow took a long drag on the cigar, blew a careful smoke ring and replied, "You are the sixth today, sir!"

Ladies Man

Bill had been quite the ladies man and player all his life, but now that he was getting up there in age, his doctor was getting concerned about him.

"Bill," advised the doctor, "I can add 15 more years to your life if you will just quit your old routine of wine, women, and song."

Bill thought for a few minutes, then said, "Tell you what doc, I'll settle for five more years and just give up singing."

I Can Hear Just Fine!

Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day.

One remarked to the other, "Windy, isn't it?"

"No," the second man replied, "it's Thursday."

And the third man chimed in, "So am I. Let's have a beer."

Movie Tickets

wanted to take my kids to the movies but did not want to wait on line to buy the tickets, so I called ahead to the theater to buy them over the phone.

I asked, "How much is a ticket?"

They said, "Ten dollars."

I asked, "How much for children?"

They said, "Same price, Ten dollars."

I said, "The airlines charge half fare for children."

They said, "OK, put your kids on a plane to somewhere, and you come to the movie. You'll enjoy it a lot more that way."

Scavenger Hunt

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list.

"Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a hand-carved pork chop bone and a 3 x 5" piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

Brave Dad

Timmy: My dad was an extremely brave man. He once entered a lion's cage.

Sam: He probably got a lot of applause when he got out.

Timmy: I didn't say he got out.

Magic Lamp

Three blondes are stuck on a desert island and one finds a magic lamp. They rub it and a genie pops out and gives them each a wish.

The first blonde says, "I wish I was 10% smarter so I could get off of this island." Then she turns into a redhead and swims off the island.

The second sees what happens and says "I wish I was 25% smarter so that I can get off this island!" She then turns into a brunette, makes a raft from trees and sails off.

Finally, the third blonde says "I wish I was 50% smarter so I can get off this island." She then suddenly turns into a man and walks across the bridge.