Pantyhose

A couple were indulged in sexual intercourse and the man noticed that with each movement of his pelvis, his partner's toes would rise. Later that night, while going at it pretty hot and heavy in the shower, her toes remained still.

Confused, he asked, "Why is it that when we do it in bed, your toes go up, but when we do it in the shower, they don't?"

"Silly," she replied, "I take my pantyhose off in the shower!"

Man Without Arms

Jason walks into a restroom in an airport and goes up to a urinal.

A man with no arms comes up to him and says "Hey, can you give me a hand?".

Though he feels uncomfortable, he agrees to help. He unzips the man's pants, takes a deep breath, and reaches in and takes out his penis, which he is horrified to discover is all green and moldy. Imagining the bonus he will get come judgment day, he continues to hold the man's moldy unit as he urinates, gives it a shake, and zips it back up in his pants.

"Hey, thanks a lot man." The man says

"No problem. But there is one thing I have to know, what is wrong with your Johnson?"

Then the man pulls his arms out into his sleeves and says "I don't know, but I'm sure as hell ain't gonna touch it!"

Nurse

A very tired nurse walks into a bank, totally exhausted after an 18-hour shift Preparing to write a check, she pulls a rectal thermometer out of her purse and tries to write with it. When she realizes her mistake,she looks at the flabbergasted teller.

And without missing a beat she says 'Well, that's great . . . that's just great .. . Some asshole's got my pen!"

Mr. Smith

Mr. Smith wanted to become a teacher in the worst way, but the only job he could find was as an instructor at an all female college teaching sex education. His wife was a very jealous woman so Mr. Smith decided he would tell his wife that he would be teaching sailing at this college so that she would not get angry. He was very happy and for months all was well.

As fate would have it, one day in the grocery store check out lane, Mrs. Smith overheard a group of girls standing in line behind her talking about college and their instructor Mr. Smith. The girls went on and on about how great this Mr. Smith was at teaching their class.

The cashier handed Mrs. Smith her change and said "Have a great day Mrs. Smith, and thank you, again."

One of the girls in line heard the cashier, and asked Mrs. Smith if she was related to the Mr. Smith that was teaching at the college. 

"Yes, he is my husband." Mrs. Smith replied

Well that set off a torrent of accolades about how knowledgeable Mr. Smith was about the subject matter he was teaching, about how he got the whole class to discuss their fears about learning the subject.

Well Mrs. Smith was taken back by what she heard from these girls and replied "I don't know how you find him to be so gifted at teaching you this course. You know he only tried it twice in his life. The first time he tried it, he got sick, and the second time, his hat blew off and he just quit."

Mr. Burford

Burford is checking out of a hotel when suddenly he has to take a shit real bad. The toilet in his room isn't working so he bolts down to use the lobby Men's Room, but all of the stalls are occupied. So then he runs back up to his room and in desperation, he drops his pants, uproots a plant, and takes a shit in the pot. Then he puts the plant back in the pot and leaves.

Two weeks later, he gets a postcard from the hotel that says "Dear Mr. Burford... All is forgiven. Just tell us...where it is?"

Genie

A man was walking along a California beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it and out popped a genie!

The genie said, "OK. You released me from the lamp, blah, blah blah. This is the fourth time this month and I'm getting a little sick of these wishes. So you can forget about getting three wishes. You only get one wish."

The man sat down on the beach and thought about it for awhile. Then he said, "I've always wanted to go to Hawaii; but I'm scared to fly and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so that I can drive over there to visit?"

The genie laughed and said, "That's impossible! Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete... how much steel...! No. Think of another wish."

The man tried to think of another wish. Finally, he said, "I've been married and divorced several times. My wives always said that I don't care and that I'm insensitive. So I wish that I could understand women... know how they feel inside and what they're thinking when they give me the silent treatments...know why they're crying...know what they really want when they say, 'Nothing'...knows how to make them truly happy...."

The genie said, "You want that bridge two lanes or four?"

Horny Guy

This guy wakes up out of a deep sleep and, feeling real horny, nudges his wife awake and asks, "Why don't we get it on, eh?"

She replies, "I have an appointment at the gynecologist tomorrow and you know I don't like to make love the night before."

So the husband agrees and rolled back over and started to go back to sleep.

A few minutes later, he nudges his wife again and asks, "You don't by any chance have a dentist's appointment tomorrow, do you?"