Lost Man

A guy is driving out in the middle of nowhere, very lost. Finally he spots 2 houses so he goes up to the first house and looks in the door way. He sees an old lady yanking on her boobs and an old man jerking off.

He is so freaked out that he goes to the next house and says "What's up with your neighbors?"

The owner of the house says "Oh that's the Robinson's, they're both deaf. She's telling him to go milk the cow and he's telling her to go fuck herself!"

Truck Driver

A man is driving his eighteen wheeler down the road, when he sees a hitch hiker. So the trucker stops and picks up the man. While they are driving down the road.

The trucker says "Hey man, you wanna see something pretty cool?"

The hitch hiker says "sure."

So the trucker has this monkey in the back, and he makes it come up with the men, and he smacks the monkey up side his head, and the monkey gives him a blow job.

So after that, the trucker says "Hey man, do you want some of that?"

And the hitch hiker says "Sure, but just don't smack me so hard."

Sunday School

Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping,

''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear.

''God Almighty!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber.

Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin.

This time Mary jumped up and shouted ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'' The Teacher fainted.

Dwarf in a Elevator

A dwarf gets on an elevator and pushes the button to go up, just before the door closes, a hand comes through and opens the door. In steps a very large black man.

The dwarf stares and says "You're the biggest man I have ever seen".

The man nods his head, and replies "I'm 6-9, weigh 259 lbs., and I have 16 inches, I'm Turner Brown."

The dwarf faints! After coming too, the dwarf asks the man to repeat himself. 

So he does "I said I'm 6-9, 259 lbs., with 16 inches, my name is Turner Brown."

The dwarf looked relieved and started laughing "For a minute there, I thought you said 'Turn Around'."

Do me a Favor

Bruce comes home one day and says to his lover "Please do me a favor. It feels like something's stuck up my ass. Could you check it out for me?"

His roommate lubes up his finger (mercifully) and shoves it up Bruce's ass, feeling all around, and says "I don't feel anything."

Bruce says "Trust me, there's something up there. Try lubing up your whole hand and checking it out." So his roommate lubes his whole hand and sticks it up Bruce's ass. He feels around, and then pulls out a Rolex watch.

He says "I found your problem. There was a watch stuck up your ass."

Bruce starts singing "Happy birthday to you, happy birthday to you..."

Two Whales

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore.

The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female "lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."

At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him. "Look", she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."

Uncle Ted

A married fellow gets home early from work and hears strange noises coming from the bedroom. He rushes upstairs to find his wife naked on the bed, sweating and panting. "What's up?" he asks.

"I'm having a heart attack," cries the woman.

He rushes downstairs to grab the phone, but just as he's dialing, his 4-year-old son comes up and says, "Daddy! Daddy! Uncle Ted's hiding in your closet and he's got no clothes on!"

The guy slams the phone down and storms upstairs into the bedroom, past his screaming wife, and rips open the closet door. Sure enough, there is his brother, totally naked, cowering on the closet floor.

"You bastard!!!" says the husband. "My wife's having a heart attack, and all you can do is run around the house naked scaring the kids?"