The Moral of the Story 2

A fellow passed a house with a little red light burning in front, so he stepped inside.

There was nothing in sight and nothing there but an empty bare hallway, with two doors reading,
"Over 35" and "Under 35." He decided to be truthful and entered the door that said, "Over 35."

He found himself in another empty hallway, this one with two doors that read,
"Over 8 inches" and "Under 8 inches." Truthful again, he went through the "Under 8 inches."

Door and found himself in another empty hall, with two more doors reading, "Once a night" and "Over 4 times a night." Still wanting to be truthful, he entered the door marked "Once a night" and found himself back out on the street.

The moral of this story is: "Always tell the truth and you'll never get screwed."

The Moral of the Story 1

A teacher gave her class an assignment: They were to have their parents tell them a story with a moral. The next day the kids came to class, and one by one, told their stories.

Little Kathy raised her hand first and said, "We live on a farm and have hens that lay eggs for market. Once we were taking a basket of eggs to market on the front seat of the pickup truck and we hit a big bump in the road. The eggs went flying and broke all over everything."

"And what is the moral to that story?" Asked the Teacher

"Don't put all your eggs in one basket." Answered Kathy

"Very good," said the teacher.

Then little Tammy raised her hand and said, "We live on a farm, too. But we raise chickens for the meat market. We had a dozen eggs once, but when they hatched, we got only ten live chicks. And the moral to that story is, don't count your chickens before they are hatched."

"That was a fine example, Tammy."

 "Johnny, I believe you had your hand up next."

"Yes Ma'am. My daddy told me that my Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in Desert Storm and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete. She drank the whiskey on the way down so it wouldn't break, and then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets, then she killed twenty more with the machete before the blade broke off. Then she killed the last ten with her bare hands."

"Good Heavens!" said the horrified teacher. What did your daddy tell you was the moral to that terrible story?"

 "Stay the hell away from Aunt Karen when she's been drinking."

The Coma

A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her room giving her a sponge bath.
One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor when she touched her.
They tried it again and sure enough there was sizable movement.

They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, "As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little oral sex will do the trick and bring her out of the coma."

The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they'd close the curtains for privacy.
The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse , no heart rate.

The nurses run back into the room. "What happened!?" they cried.

The husband said, "I'm not sure....maybe she choked?

Little Johnnie

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.

But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.

Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.

"It's a period," reported Johnnie.

"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."

"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

Bear Trap

A guy goes to his doctor and the doctor says "Your going to need to have an operation on his knees." The doc goes on to say "Knee operations are difficult and painful."

He asks "If he's ever experienced extreme pain.

The man replies "That once he was hunting in the woods in the fall and had to take a dump. He leaned his gun against a tree and pulled his pants down and squatted down. I squatted down on a bear trap and it sprung."

The doctor cringed and said "Damn I bet that hurt like hell".

The man says "Oh yeah that hurt, but not half as bad as when I hit the end of that chain."

Wild Jamaican Sex!

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!" So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex God he was.

The husband asked the man "How could sandals make you into a sexfreak?"

The Jamaican replied "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes... something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, and ripped down his own pants, The Jamaican then began screaming "YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!! YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET”!!!

Symbols

We all know those cute little computer symbols called "emoticons," where: :) means a smile and :( is a frown. Sometimes these are represented by :-) :-(

Well, how about some "ASSICONS?" Here goes:

(_!_) a regular ass
(__!__) a fat ass
(!) a tight ass
(_*_) a sore ass
{_!_} a swishy ass
(_o_) an ass that's been around
(_ x _) kiss my ass
(_X_) leave my ass alone
(_zzz_) a tired ass
(_E=mc2_) a smart ass
(_$_) Money coming out of their asses
(_?_) Dumb Ass