A couple were in their bedroom and the girl says to her boyfriend "I wish I had bigger tits."
The boyfriend says "Well what I recommend is to get some toilet tissue and rub it between your tits for 2 months."
"How will that help to make my tits bigger?" asks the girlfriend.
"Well it worked for your ass." says the boyfriend
Thursday, April 19, 2012
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Efficiency Expert
A man entered a restaurant and sat at the only open table. As he sat down, he knocked the spoon off the table with his elbow. A nearby waiter reached into his shirt pocket, pulled out a clean spoon, and set it on the table. The diner was impressed. "Do all the waiters here carry spoons in their pockets?"
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
The waiter replied, "Yes. Ever since an Efficiency Expert visited our restaurant... He determined that 17.8% of our diners knock the spoon off the table. By carrying clean spoons with us, we save trips to the kitchen."
The diner ate his meal. As he was paying the waiter, he commented, "Forgive the intrusion, but do you know that you have a string hanging from your fly?"
The waiter replied, "Yes, we all do. Seems that the same Efficiency Expert determined that we spend to much time washing our hands after using the men's room. So, the other end of that string is tied to my penis. When I need to go, I simply pull the string, do my thing, and then return to work. Having never touched myself, there really is no need to wash my hands. Saves a lot of time."
"Wait a minute," said the diner, "how do you get your penis back in your pants?"
"Well, I don't know about the other guys, but I use the spoon."
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Wifes a Virgin
A guy out on the golf course takes a high speed ball right in the crotch. Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground. When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says," How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiance is still a virgin in every way."
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
The doc said , "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week." So he took four tongue depressors and formed a neat little four-sided bandage, and wired it all together; an impressive work of art.
The guy mentions none of this to his girl, marries, and on his honeymoon night in the motel room, she rips open her blouse to reveal a gorgeous set of breasts. This was the first time he had seen them. She says, "You'll be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts."
He whips down his pants and says, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
Monday, April 16, 2012
3 Dogs
Three people, 2 men and 1 woman, and their dogs are in the Vets waiting room. The first man's dog asked the second man's dog "What he's there for?"
"They are putting me down."
"Oh no, says the first dog, why?"
The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep."
The second dog asked the first dog " What are you here for?"
"Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also."
The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"
The other dogs say, " SO, that's why they are putting you to sleep?"
"No!" says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
"They are putting me down."
"Oh no, says the first dog, why?"
The second dog says, "Well, you see... I've been chasing the Postman for years. Yesterday, I finally caught him, and bit him. So, I'm going to be put to sleep."
The second dog asked the first dog " What are you here for?"
"Well, my master just completely remodeled the inside of his house. I didn't like it because my scent wasn't anywhere, anymore. So, when he went to bed last night, I pissed on everything I could find, to get my scent back. This morning, my master found out what I had done, so he is putting me to sleep also."
The third dog said, "This is my masters new girlfriend. She runs around the house all the time without her closes. This makes me very horny. So, this morning, as she was getting out of the shower, and bent over to wipe up the water on the floor. I couldn't stand it anymore, so I jumped on her a gave it to her good!"
The other dogs say, " SO, that's why they are putting you to sleep?"
"No!" says the dog, "She is bringing me here to get my toenails clipped!"
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Prisoner
This prisoner escapes after 15 years. He breaks into a house looking for money and food. He finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the husband out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the wife to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in the bathroom, the husband tells his wife “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which the wife responds “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too.”
He orders the husband out of bed and ties him to a chair. He ties the wife to the bed, gets on top of her, kisses her neck, and then gets up and goes into the bathroom.
While he’s in the bathroom, the husband tells his wife “Listen, this guy is an escaped prisoner, look at his clothes! He’s probably spent lots of time in jail, and hasn’t seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don’t resist, don’t complain and do what he tells you, no matter how much he ravages you. This guy is probably really dangerous. If he gets angry, he’ll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you.”
To which the wife responds “He wasn’t kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, and thought you were cute. He asked if we kept any Vaseline in the bathroom, so I told him where to find it. Be strong, darling. I love you, too.”
Shoe Sells Man
There was a shoe sales man sitting in his store when a beautiful woman comes in. He looks at her and can't stop staring. While helping her try on a pair of shoes he glances up her skirt to find she isn't wearing any panties.
He started thinking and something slipped out.
The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband.
She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!."
The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"
He started thinking and something slipped out.
The man said "I'd like to fill your pussy with ice cream and lick it all out!"
Hearing this the woman runs out to tell her husband.
She says, "Honey, this shoe salesman said he'd like to fill my pussy up with ice cream and lick it all out!" "Now go kick his ass!."
The husband replied "Dear, anyone that can eat that much ice cream, I ain't fuckin' with!"
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Park Bench
There was an old man sitting on a bench in the park crying.
A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?"
The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner."
The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."
The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
A younger man walked up to him and asked "What's wrong?"
The old man replied "I am married to a sexy 21 year old woman who gives me two blowjobs a day and we have sex the minute I get home from work and right after dinner."
The young man had a strange look on his face and asked "What's so bad about that? It sounds to me like you have a great sex life."
The old man replied "I can't remember where I live!"
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