A man and a woman were waiting at the hospital donation center.
Man: "What are you doing here today?"
Woman: "Oh, I'm here to donate some blood. They're going to give me $5 for it."
Man: "Hmm, that's interesting. I'm here to donate sperm, myself. But they pay me $25."
The woman looked thoughtful for a moment and they chatted some more before going their separate ways. A couple months later, the same man and woman meet again in the donation center.
Man: "Oh, hi there! Here to donate blood again?"
Woman: [shaking her head with mouth closed] "Unh unh."
Wednesday, April 11, 2012
Cussing Problem
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do.
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year? "
Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
The shrink said, "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage. When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year? "
Johnny replied,"I think I got a dog but I can't find the SON-OF-A-BITCH!"
Saturday, April 7, 2012
Visits the Local Brothel
Jack is one horny guy and is not sure what to do about it. He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a five dollar bill. He walks down the steet to the local brothal and knocks on the door.
The madam opens the door and asks Jack "What can I do for you?"
"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam.
She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken.Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other.
Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".
The madam opens the door and asks Jack "What can I do for you?"
"I'm really horny but I only have $5. What can you do for me?", Jack asks the madam.
She looks over this fellow and tells him, "Don't worry we can take care of you. No problem."
She leads Jack into this room where in the opposite corner is a chicken.Jack thinks about this a second and figures it can't be that bad. He gives the madam the $5 and she closes the door behind her. Jack undresses and has the time of his live. When he's done he can't remember when he has had such a pleasurable experience.
One week later, and horny again, Jack has saved up $10. Being a satisfied customer he goes back to the same madam and asks what she can do for him for $10.
"Well for $10 we have special show", the madam replies. She leads him into a different room where there are several other people sitting on benches. "Sit back and enjoy the show Jack", the madam tells him.
Jack gives the money to the madam and takes a seat on one of benches. Soon after, the lights dim and the blinds open revealing another room on the other side of a two way mirror where two women begin to undress each other. Jack is very impressed. Clearly these women are unaware anyone is watching as they begin to make love to each other passionately. Apparently there is nothing they won't do to each other.
Jack once again feels like he is getting his money's worth. He turns to the person beside him and says, "This is a pretty good show for ten bucks eh?!".
The guy turns to Jack and says, "That's nothing... last week we saw a guy fuck a chicken".
Friday, April 6, 2012
Didn't Mean It
Two guys are drinking at a bar.
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
The first says "Do you ever start thinking about something, and when you go to talk, you say something you don't mean?"
The Second guy says "Yeah, I was at the airport buying plane tickets, and the chick behind the counter had these huge tits, and instead of asking her for 'two tickets to Pittsburgh' I asked for 'two tickets to Titsburgh'
The First guy says, "Yeah, well I was having breakfast with my wife last week, and instead of saying 'Honey can you please pass me the sugar?', I said 'You've ruined my life you FUCKING BITCH'
Thursday, April 5, 2012
Tennis Ball
While out one morning in the park, a jogger found a brand new tennis ball, and seeing none around it might belong to, he slipped it into the pocket of his shorts.
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Later, on his way home, he stopped at the pedestrian crossing, waiting for the lights to change.
A girl standing next to him eyed the large bulge in his shorts.
"What's that ?" she asked, her eyes gleaming with lust.
"Tennis ball," came the breathless reply.
"Oh," said the girl sympathetically, "that must be painful.... I had tennis elbow once."
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
12 pack
A father and his son go into the grocery store when they happen upon the condom aisle.
The son asks his father "Why there are so many different boxes of condoms?" \
The father replies ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father "What the 12-pack is for?"
The father replies ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
The son asks his father "Why there are so many different boxes of condoms?" \
The father replies ''Well, you see that 3-pack? That's for when you're in high school. You have 2 for Friday night and 1 for Saturday night.''
The son then asks his father ''What's the 6-pack for?''
The father replies ''Well, that's for when you're in college. You have 2 for Friday night, 2 for Saturday night, and 2 for Sunday morning.''
Then the son asks his father "What the 12-pack is for?"
The father replies ''Well, that's for when you're married. You have one for January, one for February, one for March, one for.....''
Orange Dick
This guy calls up his doctor trying not to have a panic attack.
"Hello, This is Doc. Williams. What seem to be your emergency?'
"Doc, My DICK is orange!"
"OIC, Well lets see what I can do for you. I'll need to ask you some questions and you have to be Honest."
"OK."
"What did you eat for dinner last night?"
"Steak, Potato and Carrots."
"Well the Carrots wouldn't do that. What did you have for Breakfast?"
"Bowl of Cereal and Toast."
"Nope, OK What did you have for Lunch?"
"A Bologna sandwich and Cheetos."
"Oh, What we're you doing while you were eating lunch?"
"Just sitting in front of my laptop watching my new PORN!"
"Hello, This is Doc. Williams. What seem to be your emergency?'
"Doc, My DICK is orange!"
"OIC, Well lets see what I can do for you. I'll need to ask you some questions and you have to be Honest."
"OK."
"What did you eat for dinner last night?"
"Steak, Potato and Carrots."
"Well the Carrots wouldn't do that. What did you have for Breakfast?"
"Bowl of Cereal and Toast."
"Nope, OK What did you have for Lunch?"
"A Bologna sandwich and Cheetos."
"Oh, What we're you doing while you were eating lunch?"
"Just sitting in front of my laptop watching my new PORN!"
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