A young man who wants to see the world signs on to a tramp steamer to be trained as a helmsman. He masters the classroom instruction, then starts his practical training on the wheel of the vessel. In his first lesson, the mate gives him a heading, and the young fellow holds to it.
Then the mate orders, "Come starboard."
Pleased at knowing immediately which way starboard is, the young man leaves the helm and walks over to his instructor.
The mate has an incredulous look on his face as the helm swings freely. Then, rather gently considering the circumstance, he asks politely, "Could you bring the ship with you?"
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Artist
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in his paintings on display.
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death when I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"
"He was your doctor."
"I have good news and bad news," the owner replied. "The good news is that a gentleman inquired about your work, and wondered if they would increase in value after your death when I told him they would, he bought all 15 of your paintings."
"That's great news," the artist said. "What's the bad news?"
"He was your doctor."
Swimming Lessons
A member of the Country Club asked the lifeguard how he might go about teaching a young lady to swim.
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
"It takes considerable time and technique." replied the guard. "First you must take her into the water, then place one arm about her waist, hold her tightly, then take her right arm and raise it very slowly..."
"This is certainly most helpful." said the member. "I know that my sister will appreciate it."
"Your sister?" said the lifeguard. "In that case, just push her into the deep end of the pool. She'll learn in a hurry."
Flock of Geese
A local fire department got a call that a flock of geese had become stuck in a frozen lake.
The rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the flock flew off!
The men were left staring at open water.
Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"
The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
The rescue team crawled out onto the ice, pushing a boat and ice-breaking tools. They got within three yards --and the flock flew off!
The men were left staring at open water.
Someone at the station asked, "How did it go?"
The reply was, "Wild goose chase."
Moonshine
A redneck and a Frenchman were caught in Kentucky for making and selling bad moonshine. The law decided to hang them off the middle of the Ohio Bridge. They tied the rope around the Frenchman's neck and said, "Do you have any last words?"
He said, "No."
They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.
Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"
He said, "Yep, you-uns shorten up that thare rope boys 'caws I cain't swim."
He said, "No."
They threw him off the bridge, but the rope was too long. He removed the rope from his neck and swam to the Ohio side of the river.
Then they tied the same rope around the redneck's neck and said, "Do you have any last words to say?"
He said, "Yep, you-uns shorten up that thare rope boys 'caws I cain't swim."
Sunday, June 1, 2014
At The Lake
One hot sunny summer day, Tim and Don decided to go and spend the day fishing at the lake. They sat on the dock, enjoying the perfect weather and watching a speed boat pulling a water skier back and forth across the lake.
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."
Tim and Don, being friendly sorts, waved at the skier but when the skier tried to wave back he lost his hold on the tow line and went down hard.
The two friends jumped to their feet in horror and waited for the skier to surface. But the skier's life jacket came up without him. Feeling responsible for the fall, Tim and Don both dove in and swam out to try and save him.
After several fruitless dives they finally found the body lying on the bottom of the lake and pulled him to shore. They started CPR, Tim doing compressions and Don giving mouth to mouth.
All of the sudden, Don stopped blowing and started to gag.
Tim, noticing Don had stopped, yelled, "Why are you stopping?! We have to save this guy!"
Don replied, "The guy WAS water skiing right?"
"Well yeah. We both saw him. Why?"
"Because THIS guy is wearing ice skates..."
Sleeping Butt
Two old women were sitting on a bench waiting for their bus.
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"
The buses were running late, and a lot of time passed.
Finally, one woman turned to the other and said, "You know, I've been sitting here so long, my butt fell asleep!"
"I know," the other woman replied. "I heard it snoring...!"
Smart Pizza Boy
After the college boy delivered the pizza to Amanpreet's trailer house.
Amanpreet asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
Amanpreet asked, "What is the usual tip?"
"Well," replied the youth, "This is my first trip here, but the other guys say if I get a quarter out of you, I'll be doing great."
"Is that so?" snorted Preet. "Well, just to show them how wrong they are, here's five dollars."
"Thanks," replied the youth, "I'll put this in my school fund."
"What are you studying?" asked Preet.
The lad smiled and replied, "Applied psychology."
Sportsman Double
I ended up with an older woman at a club last night. She looked okay for a 57-year-old.
We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
We drank a bit, and started to get real friendly, and she asked if I'd ever had a Sportsman's Double.
"What's that?" I asked.
"It a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
I said, "No."
We drank a bit more, then she says that tonight was my lucky night.
We went back to her place. She put on the hall light and shouted upstairs: "Mom, you still awake?"
Wednesday, May 28, 2014
Too Hot
"It's just too hot to wear clothes today," Jack says as he stepped out of the shower, "honey, what do you think the neighbors would think if I mowed the lawn like this?"
"probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
"probably that I married you for your money," she replied.
Beware of Dog
As a stranger entered a little country store, he noticed a sign warning, "Danger! Beware of dog!" posted on the glass door. Inside, he noticed a harmless old hound dog asleep on the floor beside the cash register.
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
"Is that the dog folks are supposed to beware of?" he asked the owner.
"Yep, that's him," came the reply.
The stranger couldn't help but be amused. "That certainly doesn't look like a dangerous dog to me. Why in the world would you post that sign?"
"Because," the owner explained, "Before I posted that sign, people kept tripping over him!"
Sniffer
A man had just settled into his seat next to the window on the plane when another man sat down in the aisle seat, and put his black Labrador Retriever in the middle seat between them.
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog." He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
The first man looked very quizzically at the dog and asked why it was allowed on the plane.
The second man explained that he was a DEA agent, and that the dog was a "drug-sniffing dog." He went on, "His name is Sniffer and he's the best there is. I'll show you once we get airborne, when I put him to work."
The plane took off, and once it leveled out, the agent said "Watch this." He told Sniffer to "search".
Sniffer jumped down, walked along the aisle, and finally sat very purposefully next to a woman for several seconds. Sniffer then returned to his seat and put one paw on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "Good boy!", turned to the man and said, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of her seat number and the authorities will apprehend her when we land."
"Say, that's pretty neat" replied the first man.
Once again, the agent sent Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffed about, sat down beside a man for a few seconds, returned to his seat, and placed two paws on the agent's arm.
The agent said, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of his seat number for the police."
"I like it!" said his seat mate.
The agent then told Sniffer to "search" again.
Sniffer walked up and down the aisles for a little while, sat down for a moment, and then came racing back to the agent, jumped into the middle seat and pooped all over the place.
The first man was really grossed out by this behavior and couldn't figure out how or why a well-trained dog would act like that. He asked the agent, "What's going on?"
The agent nervously replied, "He just found a bomb!"
Happy Old Man
A women saw a wizzened little old man with a big smile on his face, sat rocking in a chair on his porch. She walked up to him and said, "I couldn't help but notice how happy you look. What's your secret for a long happy life"?
He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".
The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?
He replied, "Twenty six".
He said, "I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day, I drink a case of whisky a week, I eat all the fatty foods I can, and never do any exercise".
The women said, "That's amazing. How old are you now"?
He replied, "Twenty six".
Homeless
A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
The man took out his wallet, extracted two dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead?"
"No, I stopped drinking years ago," the homeless man said.
"Will you use it to gamble instead of buying food?" the man asked.
"No, I don't gamble," the homeless man said. "I need everything I can get just to stay alive."
"Will you spend the money on green fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.
"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"
"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you two dollars. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."
The homeless man was astounded, "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty, and I probably smell pretty bad."
The man replied, "Hey, man, that's okay! I just want her to see what a man looks like who's given up beer, gambling, and golf!"
Soap and Water
After several exciting dates, Jim invited Tina over to his house for a home-cooked meal
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
When she sat down at the table, she noticed that the dishes were the dirtiest that she had ever seen in her life.
"Have these dishes ever been washed?" Tina asked, running her fingers over the grit and grime.
Jim replied, "They're as clean as soap and water could get them."
Tina felt a bit apprehensive, but started eating. It was really delicious and she said so, despite the dirty dishes.
When dinner was over, Jim took the dishes outside, whistled and yelled, "Here, Soap! Here, Water!"
Sunday, May 18, 2014
The Knight's Error
A knight and his men return to their castle after a long hard day of fighting.
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."
"What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West."
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
"How are we faring?" asks the king.
"Sire," replies the knight, "I have been robbing and pillaging on your behalf all day, burning the towns of your enemies in the West."
"What?" shrieks the king. "I don't have any enemies to the West."
"Oh," says the knight. "Well, you do now."
Cheapskate
A man takes his seat in the theater, but he is too far from the stage.
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."
He whispers to the usher, "This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I'll give you a handsome tip."
The usher moves him into the second row, and the man rewards him with a quarter.
The usher looks at his tip for a second and then leans over to whisper to the man, "The wife did it."
Hard Time
An accountant is having a hard time sleeping and goes to see his doctor. "Doctor, I just can't get to sleep at night."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
"Have you tried counting sheep?"
"That's the problem - I make a mistake and then spend three hours trying to find it."
Lifelong Dream
For a holiday, an Irishman decided to go to Switzerland to fulfil a lifelong dream and climb the Matterhorn. He hired a guide and just as they neared the top, the men were caught in a snow slide.
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."
Three hours later, a Saint Bernard plowed through to them, a keg of brandy tied under its chin.
"Hooray!" shouted the guide. "Here comes man's best friend!"
"Yeah," said the Irishman. "An' look at the size of the dog that's bringin' it."
Come Fly With Me
Two blind pilots board the plane wearing dark glasses. One is using a guide dog and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes and the engines start up.
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. No one is forthcoming.
The plane moves faster and faster down the runway and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the the water, panicked screams fill the cabin.
At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands.
In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "Ya know, Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die."
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